Parents of son's friend invitied him on a Disney trip for spring break next year

[verleniahall]

After 16 pages - I wanted to put in my 2 cents -

My dh didn’t grow up well off - but he was invited several times to go on trips with friends who were - his mother didn’t not allow him due to not being Ankeny to recripicate. But she did take the friends on camping trips when they went - not everything has to seem equal to you -

If u allow him to go, do something special with the other two.

It honestly sounds like u had ur mind made up when u joined - and now u r upset that we didn’t take ur side and pointing out what you CAN ado

Also, if ur daughter DOES join our armed forces, that is a great career move - dh is going on 11 yrs in the Army

 

[maxaroni]

If this is real, this is very sad. IMO, it’s the OP’s problem/depression/self esteem, etc. at issue. He is projecting this onto his children, which IMO, is very toxic.

My in-laws didn’t have a lot of money, raising 4 children in a 900 Sq Ft home. They did not vacation but built tremendous memories as a family. They did take day trips, being picnics or some very inexpensive activities. It may have been something that others take for granted, but DH and his siblings loved. Also, each of my in-laws took time to have special time with each child alone. My in-laws worked hard for their money, at times, my MIL working night shift, coming home in the morning to get kids on the bus. She’d go to bed during the school day but also got chores done during the day so that once the kids were home, she had time with them. Many times it wasn’t needing to go to do something, it was time with a parent.

A different scenario, friends of ours spent a day with their kids out somewhere. Don’t recall where, but they spent quite a bit of money during the day. When putting the kids to bed, they were asked what was the best part of the day? It was coming home and roasting marshmallows. Point being that nothing needs to be all that much, in terms of a dollar value.

As for a teen saying things are boring....that’s a teens job! LOL It may be that is what is projected in the house, or it may be typicall teen angst. Many times, what they are griping about isn’t what is troubling them. They may have other issues but it comes out this way as they don’t have the coping mechanisms that come with life, maturity and with help from a parent(s).

I would not take a teens say so for therapy as gospel. It is your job as a parent to get them help either by a professional therapist, priest, minister or anyone else able to guide the child. It’s what is called parenting. Also, family counseling may be in order.

I have never ever heard of anyone being ashamed to have financial help to put children through college. Look at threads here on the Dis with posters talking about financial aid, scholarships, by whatever means they can get it. The help is there for people.

OP, take a look at yourself first. You need help to be able to help your children. Yes, losing your wife is tragic and can’t imagine it. Losing a parent is hard as an adult, as a child it has to be be that much harder. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help You are doing yourself and your children a disservice.

As far as the trip to WDW, again it is your purview as a parent to decide to let your child go or not. However, the people that asked him to go, most certainly know that you can’t afford to repay them in equal ways. I am sure they are 100% fine with that and are not batting an eye about it. Swallow the pride and let other people help your children, be it this trip or anything else that comes along. Life tosses plenty of lemons along the way, it’s up to us as parents to teach that we can make lemonade. My inlaws had 4 kids and each of the children had different experiences at times. Life isn’t fair at all at times. By you trying to make it fair for them, you may be holding them back as individuals.

 

[NHdisneylover]

after 16 pages of back and forth, there comes a time when straight talking and bluntness is called for

@Dadof3inNH you sound EXACTLY like a toxic friend I used to have, everything was an issue, excuses left right and center, projecting your insecurities and low self esteem on to every thing and everyone.

YOU are the one with issues, YOU sound in deep deep depression. Everything you have posted sounds to me like someone who is bi polar, deep deep lows and I bet you get crazy highs, when you are soo much fun, and everything is sunny and roses and rainbows and unicorns.

You need help, you need to get on drugs to sort out your depression, you need therapy. BUT until YOU come to this realisation, nothing will change.

Your teen daughter wants out so bad she wants to join the military. That says that the home life you are providing is not giving her the emotional support she needs

Now you are depriving your son of a trip to Disney and a chance to experience happiness and joy and a break from the oppressive doom and gloom which surrounds you.

Unlike others who have so generously shared their own hardships as a way of being nice, Im not, cos its obvious you dont care about anyone except yourself.

I hope you dont end up like one of my neighbours, the local drunk, disowned by her grown up children, who just leaves the house to go to the liquor store

I agree with most of this--though I am not so sure there are manic stages. I get more a feeling of just continual depression/acting the martyr (that martyr type thing is not something i have seen in the depressive episodes of manic depressives, but it shows up a lot in certain types of depression--it's a funny thing, feeling inadequate to others while simultaneously feeling superior to them for being such a better/more practical/lest wasteful person)

 

[dhardawa]

after 16 pages of back and forth, there comes a time when straight talking and bluntness is called for

@Dadof3inNH you sound EXACTLY like a toxic friend I used to have, everything was an issue, excuses left right and center, projecting your insecurities and low self esteem on to every thing and everyone.

YOU are the one with issues, YOU sound in deep deep depression. Everything you have posted sounds to me like someone who is bi polar, deep deep lows and I bet you get crazy highs, when you are soo much fun, and everything is sunny and roses and rainbows and unicorns.

You need help, you need to get on drugs to sort out your depression, you need therapy. BUT until YOU come to this realisation, nothing will change.

Your teen daughter wants out so bad she wants to join the military. That says that the home life you are providing is not giving her the emotional support she needs

Now you are depriving your son of a trip to Disney and a chance to experience happiness and joy and a break from the oppressive doom and gloom which surrounds you.

Unlike others who have so generously shared their own hardships as a way of being nice, Im not, cos its obvious you dont care about anyone except yourself.

I hope you dont end up like one of my neighbours, the local drunk, disowned by her grown up children, who just leaves the house to go to the liquor store

I was going to respond, but now I don’t have to. I probably wouldn’t have diagnosed bipolar simply because it takes more than a thread on a message board to do that, but the rest is spot on.

 

[Marchand63]

Pretty sure we know who you actually are. But if you aren't - BOY is it all about you & not your kids.

All I see in your posts are - me, me, me, me, & less about the kids you purport to care about. How this would affect you, how money affects you, how vacations affect you. Narcissistic much.

 

[Marchand63]

After 16 pages - I wanted to put in my 2 cents -

My dh didn’t grow up well off - but he was invited several times to go on trips with friends who were - his mother didn’t not allow him due to not being Ankeny to recripicate. But she did take the friends on camping trips when they went - not everything has to seem equal to you -

If u allow him to go, do something special with the other two.

It honestly sounds like u had ur mind made up when u joined - and now u r upset that we didn’t take ur side and pointing out what you CAN ado

Also, if ur daughter DOES join our armed forces, that is a great career move - dh is going on 11 yrs in the Army

Yeah but don’t allow her to vote if her husband says no.

 

[PixieLily]

Trust your gut instinct. By the fact that they have already mentioned that they are taking him because ur son cant afford sounds condescending to me. Be honest with your son and see how he feels.

 

[tzolkin]

Yes, education is part of the the reason my daughters wants to join the military and it's for the benefits and she is already aware of that. My children will probably have to work while going to college, but I want to help them as much as I can that way I can feel that I didn't fail them when it came to education. I have already failed my kids when it comes to not being able to give them good trips, nice clothes, and other nice things. So yes, helping them with college is something that I want to do to at least make sure I didn't completely fail them in life.

These things do not equal "failing" your children.

Both DH & I grew up poor. Never a family vacation, never ate out at restaurants (not even fast food). Our parents did not contribute one penny to our educations. (Not even for SAT/ACT fees, college applications, or anything). But I have never once thought that my parents "failed" me.

I feel fortunate to have a loving family and to have had the opportunity to learn skills that would greatly benefit my own family later in life. Through the hardship of our college years (juggled working FT, school FT, having a child, and renovating a house), DH and I both gained an unparalleled work ethic and determination... plus some amazing budgeting skills! We have also learned to care for others and have structured our lives around being able to do things that we find meaningful-- volunteering, working in developing countries, caring for the sick, dropping everything and travelling across the country to help a family member or friend in need, etc.

We have many friends who grew up in affluent families. We don't feel that we missed out in comparison. If anything, we actually feel that THEY missed out on some invaluable life lessons.

A small part of me wants to let him go. I know if he goes that means that the only vacation he had during his childhood was with another family. It kills me inside that my kids will never know what's it's like to have a family vacation with both parents and all kids. Cheap stuff like camping gets boring after awhile and my oldest has expressed this to me.

Time has run out for a family vacation. My kids will grow up and leave home and may not want to go on a trip with me. I probably wouldn't be able to afford trips in the distant future that would have to include the kids' SOs or spouses or even their own kids. I won't ever be able to give my kids a decent vacation.

I wouldn't want my kids when they are grown to spend money on a vacation for me when their focus should be their spouses and kids. The guilt of not being able to give them a decent vacation will always be with me. I don't think my younger two are happy with camping just like the older one.

You are on a horrible downward spiral that is twisting your sense of reality.

Your family should be able to have a future to look forward to, but you are eroding any hope with your negativity.

My parents were very poor for most of my life. As mentioned above, we NEVER went on any trips. For both DH & I, our first vacation was when we took our own children to Disney. (In subsequent years we have taken both our parents on various trips with us.)

My parents never thought that they would have the opportunity to "treat" their kids to anything, but just last year they were in a position to purchase DVC. They took my sister's family on a trip that cost well over $10k. And they have a similar trip planned for each of our families. Their oldest grandchild (my daughter) is already an adult who is independent and lives on her own. By your logic, their time for being able to vacation ended decades ago when their children became adults and moved out, but here they are taking a trip with their grown grandchildren. You do not know what the future will hold.

​

My son and I can't pay back the family with somethin of equal value.

First-- Why do you feel the need to "pay them back"? Do you always expect that you are going to get something in return for every gift you give or nice thing you do?

Second-- How do you possibly know that you can't offer something of "equal value". Not everything is about money. I have had countless experiences in life where someone gave of themselves in a way that could never be matched by any monetary gift.

Tent camping in the backyard wouldn't equal their offered gift of a Disney trip.

Again, how do you possibly know what would be valuable to someone else?

Perhaps the kid's parents have no time or interest in him and it would mean the world to have an adult invest some time in his life. I remember several friends for whom sitting at our table for a family dinner that my mom had cooked was a highlight of their childhood/teen years. Their parents made more money and they had way more "things", but they had never once sat at the kitchen table and eaten a meal as a family.

I don't feel comfortable with the other parents because they have a lot more than me and in recent years I avoid friends and relatives who have a lot more than me because I don't feel good enough for them.

This sentiment has come across in several of your posts, like this one:

Maybe, if the family wasn't all that well off I would be ok doing small things for them. But, their son isn't used to simple things like my kids are. I doubt a weekend at my house would even entertain the kid.

You seem to be projecting your self-esteem issues on other people and/or to have unnecessarily harsh beliefs about people you consider to be wealthy. (They're going to judge your home, they're going to expect you to be forever indebted for a gift, they're going to think any gift/trip/etc that you can offer would be so beneath them, etc)

But, in my opinion, a trip to an expensive amusement park or resort is a luxury.

Of course it's a luxury! That's why no one can figure out why you keep thinking of it as "charity" ​

My goal is to have them not rely so much on scholarships, loans, or grants. As I said before, I don't want them to depend too much on government programs or education funds from private sources.

This is the most skewed perception of scholarships and college funding that I have ever heard. I have never heard of ANYONE who planned to turn down scholarships in an effort to avoid "charity". If you were to receive a bonus at work for a job well done, would you tear it up and throw it in the trash?

But, for me it's more about feeling guilty that I wasn't able to take all three kids and my wife(when she was alive) on a very nice vacation.

This is the crux of the entire thread.

There are countless regrets in life that we can never change. But that does not mean you should allow these regrets to destroy your spirit.

Use the regrets to inform your future decisions and the course your life takes in a positive way rather than negatively impacting everything around you.

This thread has been so disheartening since I seem to have such a different philosophy than most people here. I think I'm pretty much the only one who told the OP it's okay not to let his child go. I don't believe he's doing anything wrong by having those feelings. Every parent parents differently, but pretty much every parent has some things they say no to. His children will be just fine if they don't go on fancy vacations.

I think it would be fine to not allow the child to go on the trip. The child will get over it and it may prevent some hard feelings between the siblings. I can also see where it's completely normal for a parent to feel sad or disappointed about missing out on such experiences with their child. I don't think I'm judging the OP for either of those.

I just think his overly negative attitude about everything and his fixation on all things he deems to be "charity" is doing a great disservice to his children. ​

 

[I Love Pluto]

Dadof3inNH - please read this - it is the same subject of not accepting charity, but seen through a child’s eyes.

We grew up poor like many other kids did and still do. One Christmas must have been very difficult for my parents. It was the worst on earth for me at age 8. My sister was 11, and my brother was 15.

It was Christmas Eve. A few men knocked on our door. My Mom and Dad answered the door knock together. The men were from a club (I believe the local Lions Club) which helped people. They had brought gifts - lots of them - for the kids in the home. The kids were us! Wow - real gifts for us!
Mom and Dad told the men that they did not accept charity from anyone. They refused the gifts. They would not allow them to leave any gifts for the kids. None. We were extremely disappointed that the gifts for us were sent away. I can still hear my parents saying “We don’t accept charity from anyone”.
As an adult, I do understand why they felt humiliated. But as a child, we saw two parents who hated us because they did not want to see us be happy.
On Christmas morning we opened our gifts from Santa. I got a pair of red rubber rain boots. My sister got a sweater. My brother got a chemistry set. I resented my parents for refusing gifts which were meant for us.

Every Christmas since age 8, I have remembered the men with gifts. I remember how they were turned away because our parents were “too proud” to accept charity. I wonder each year what the wonderfully wrapped presents had contained. How do you tell an 8 year old to be thankful for red rubber boots on Christmas?

I am 72 years old now. I support groups who make Christmas wonderful for kids. I applaud the kindness of a giver. Please don’t be too proud to take help on Christmas, or birthdays, or any other special days, if needed. Be thankful for the givers and workers who cared about your child. Let your child be a kid!

Thanks for reading this! I’m sorry it was so long!

 

[Hisgirl]

I haven't read through all 17 pages so I may be repeating what others have said.

For starters, I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife. I know this is a tough time, but you are doing great being a single Dad to your kids and your care will be reflected in their lives forever. So bless you.

Second...my husband and I have taken many, many teen friends with us on vacation. We realize teens are so very into their friends and we wanted their enjoyment level to stay high, and we knew having a very good friend along helped to give them a fun time. We were happy to bring the friends along as our guests. We paid for lodging, food, and any recreation. We did not expect them to bring any money except for something they wanted to buy themselves.

If the parents had sent along money to help pay for food, that would have been fine but we never expected it nor asked for it. If nothing was sent, that was fine too. Again, the kids were our 100% guests and we were thrilled to do it.

If this scenario is unfamiliar to you, I can understand why you may feel the need to do a payback. But please, if the family has invited your child as their guest, they mean for him to be their guest. If I were you, I would call and have an honest conversation and explain you are considering this but you need to better understand the financial needs. What would he be responsible for? How much would he need?

Then....write the number down and tell your more than capable young man who is learning the value of hard work, that if he wants to go to Disney world with his buddy, you will contribute XXX amount and he can earn the rest. He can mow yards, wash cars, rake leaves....you get the picture. What a great way for him to learn the value of hard work!

I think it would be a wonderful thing for him to do! And again, they are NOT looking for you to payback if they are like all the others I know who invite friends on vacation. Please realize what a blessing it is and just be happy your son has friends. It is not a reflection on you or your financial standing. It just means he has a friend whose family enjoys disney and wants their son to have your son along. It's a good thing.

Edited to add: Now that I have read through a bit, I want to comment on you saying that you want your children to learn to 'live within their means'. I am a financial counselor and have been my entire adult life. Teaching people to live within their means is what I do.

That said, part of your son's 'means' is having a friend whose family wants to invite him to disney world. THAT, my friend, is part of his means. Kids don't have 'means' for the most part unless they mow yards and baby sit and are responsible for their own living. Your son should be making use of his resources which are himself, you and any other opportunity that comes along and falls into his path and is ethical and wonderful.

It'd be like someone praying for a boat and someone comes along with a boat offering a fun day on the lake and you say, "No...we don't take charity".

Get over that attitude and teach your son to humbly be grateful for opportunities that come along. When he is older, he can remember that generosity and duplicate it. Giving and sharing with others is a GOOD thing. Do you give of your time, your advice, do you volunteer, do you help a neighbor? If you don't, I suggest you do so you can better appreciate the thought behind it.

 

[MomOTwins]

When we were around 12 years old, my mom invited our best friend (who had a single mom and money was tight) to go to Universal Studios with us. We never expected her mother to "pay us back"--the whole point was having our friend there as a companion which was the best gift in and of itself and made the trip so much fun for us. OP--your son's friend's parents would not have offered to pay if they could not afford to pay, and didn't care about you not paying them back.

Think of it like being invited to a really elaborate birthday party. There are families near us that spend hundreds (even thousands) of dollars on party decorations, catering, and entertainment. They want their kid's friends to be there, but certainly don't expect you to host a fancy party in return.

 

[camreesmom]

You’d be shocked how different kids feel. When I was young I lived in a nice house four floors and we were pretty well off. My group of friends I chose lived in a trailer park. I never once thought about it and I loved being in their homes. My sons one friend lives in a mansion. And we live in a townhouse. His friend loves coming over here. They have so much fun!

Life is about way more than dollar signs and who has what. The lesson to be learned here is it doesn’t matter what you have. Everyone should be treated equally and with respect. Whether they are well off or not you shouldn’t think badly about them.

You would be surprised. Our daughter (one of 8 children) dated a boy who had one brother who was 10-12 years older than him so he had basically been raised as an only child. His family was well off and had a beautiful home like you would see in magazines. Our house is messy and LOUD. I was surprised to learn that he preferred spending time at our house instead of his.

 

[Lori74]

i have kinda a cute story... many years ago while pregnant with my youngest, my husband and i bought a house. it wasnt anything great, but it was big enough and in a good area. it was really only supposed to be a starter house and we would work up to a nicer one eventually. years went by, we fixed what needed fixing. we loved to travel, and decided, we cannot travel with a larger mortgage, so we chose to travel and just stay in this house and make it as nice as our money will allow. every once in a while we dream and wish we could have this or that in a new home. we watch our friends live in these very nice houses, with wonderful yards. but still, we would miss going and doing what we so love to do. so with a little envy in our hearts, we just make our home as nice as we can. eight years or so pass, and our youngest is asking where i have lived before, and we are having a talk about me moving so much as a child. i said, maybe i'll move once more in my life to a nicer house and that will be the last time i move. he puts up his arms and kind of waves his hands and says 'and all this will be mine!!' i asked if he actually wanted the house, he said of course, its so nice. flash forward quite a few yrs...just recently my husband and i have been talking about whether we want to buy or build a new home in 3 yrs when my son graduates, and my son says, 'i've never understood why you would want to leave here, it's a great house!' let me tell you, its not a great house, its a money pit, old, cobbled, ugly, ive even joked that if a robber came to our neighborhood they would rob our neighbors pretty houses before our ugly one. but, the home we created for him is the greatest in the world in his eyes.
idk about this thread, but i just wanted to throw this out there, because our childrens perceptions might be very different from our own.

 

[Hikergirl]

I don't feel comfortable with the other parents because they have a lot more than me and in recent years I avoid friends and relatives who have a lot more than me because I don't feel good enough for them.

Then get some therapy because doing that is teaching your kids to feel that they aren't good enough for others.

 

[BadPinkTink]

ding, dong, paging @Dadof3inNH I know you are reading all the replies, I just checked your profile

Dadof3inNH was last seen:
Viewing thread Parents of son's friend invitied him on a Disney trip for spring break next year, 38 minutes ago

yet you are strangely silent, hmmm, me thinks some one does not like what is being said, shrugs, oopsie

 

[SC Minnie]

Wow. We've taken many of DD's friends on vacation with us, even to Disney, and never asked for them to pay a dime. They brought their souvenier money but we paid for everything else. We asked expecting to pay for room, transportation, and meals. We asked because DD wanted a friend to play with and enjoy a trip with. Period. It never had anything to do with charity or expecting anything in return. I would have felt really bad if any of their parents thought we were asking out of pity.

 

[kashzan]

ding, dong, paging @Dadof3inNH I know you are reading all the replies, I just checked your profile

Dadof3inNH was last seen:
Viewing thread Parents of son's friend invitied him on a Disney trip for spring break next year, 38 minutes ago

yet you are strangely silent, hmmm, me thinks some one does not like what is being said, shrugs, oopsie

Op is reading all this and having a great laugh, because I call BS on his post. He created a great hoax/spam thread and is so very much enjoying it.
This can not be real !!!!

 

[design_mom]

I agree that you never know what will be meaningful to another child.

One of my good friends in high school had a lot more money than we had. (We weren't poor, but definitely not wealthy either.) One Friday after school, I went over to her house. There was a note and $500 on the counter. (I had never seen so much cash at one time!) The note said that her mother had decided to accompany her father on a business trip. They'd be back the following Tuesday. They knew Saturday was her birthday, but they'd celebrate after they got home. And they'd left the $500 for food and for her to buy herself a gift.

I called my mom and asked if my friend could spend the weekend, and so she did. On Saturday, my mom made dinner and a birthday cake. It wasn't a fancy cake (she's done better ones) but my friend cried. At first, I thought she was sad that her parents left her alone for her birthday... but she said no... she was crying because nobody had ever made her a birthday cake before, nor even asked her what flavor she wanted. Her cake had always come from a store and she never got to pick it. She said it was her best birthday ever. She's 46 years old now and she STILL talks about the cake that my mom made for her. And she has kids now and she makes them birthday cakes.

Money is not everything. Who could know that something so small would mean so much to somebody who seemingly had everything. I certainly didn't!

On a separate note, I was the recipient of a couple of gift trips where I got to accompany another family on vacation. In those cases, it was never "charity" but often a gift to their own child to be able to bring a friend. How lucky that your son's friend values his company so much. After I was older and could no longer go on family vacations, my parents let my little sister bring a friend on vacation. They never expected repayment or reciprocation. They did it for my sister, not specifically for the friend.

 

[Antonia]

Let the kid go!!!!!!!

 

[Floridaman999]

Let him gooooo, Let him gooooo,

Why don't you just let the kid goooooooo?