Parents of son's friend invitied him on a Disney trip for spring break next year

[Dadof3inNH]

Our three boys have earned above full or full 4 year merit scholarships from their colleges based on ACT scores.

Depriving your kids of these opportunities is flat out crazy and wrong. These are offered to students who earn them, it's not a charitable act.

I would lead my kids again down this route and have a daughter who we are hoping follows suite in 2020.

ETA in state college costs can be well over 20,000 per year at even modest schools.

My kid's alternative plan would have been community college or trade schools. Even our community college offers scholarship based on ACT scores.

I didn't say anything about completely depriving my kids of opportunities such as scholarships. I said that I didn't want them to depend too much on financial aid, grants, and scholarships and that's why I'm saving. My younger two don't do extremely well in school. They are mostly B students and I can't see either one doing extremely well on an ACT. I've said that I'm also saving money in case they go to trade school.

 

[Hrhpd]

This thread has been so disheartening since I seem to have such a different philosophy than most people here. I think I'm pretty much the only one who told the OP it's okay not to let his child go. I don't believe he's doing anything wrong by having those feelings. Every parent parents differently, but pretty much every parent has some things they say no to. His children will be just fine if they don't go on fancy vacations. They'll be happy if he can help them have less debt for college.

Reading this thread tells me that most people here would disagree with my priorities. I would have said no to my child with no guilt whatsoever if it didn't feel right to me because I just don't "get" the need for extra people on a family trip. I still maintain there is nothing wrong if OP simply isn't comfortable with it. Sure, if everyone is all for it, but why the "how dare you not let your child go" stuff? The "don't save money for their future, go on fancier vacations" thing absolutely floors me. My adult kids thank me regularly for their lack of student loans. While we had the ability to do both, we most certainly sacrificed some vacations for post high school education funds. It would have been fun for my kids to do Disney every year, but that would have meant no education fund that year resulting in loans now. They enjoyed the years we camped or just visited grandparents as our only vacations. If it had meant we camped for all our vacations, I would have been fine with that. I'm a big proponent of NOT giving my kids everything, but for education I'd sacrifice.

The OP is fortunate enough to be able to save for an education fund. He takes his kids camping. Those are things to celebrate. It absolutely floors me that people seem to think his children will be missing out if they aren't allowed to go on someone else's family's vacation.

I know this is a message board that focuses on an expensive vacation destination, but when, using just one example, someone is talking about how they paid all expenses for another child to come on their trip and they "only" brought $100 spending money. Yikes! Have we really lost perspective that $100 is A LOT of money for most people?

Read it again.

He does not take his kids camping. When people suggested it was a good, less expensive, family vacation, he said many times he couldn't do it because the kids thought it was boring, he thought it was boring, and it wasn't good enough because it wasn't a luxury vacation.

 

[Hrhpd]

I didn't say anything about completely depriving my kids of opportunities such as scholarships. I said that I didn't want them to depend too much on financial aid, grants, and scholarships and that's why I'm saving. My younger two don't do extremely well in school. They are mostly B students and I can't see either one doing extremely well on an ACT. I've said that I'm also saving money in case they go to trade school.

Now I am almost positive this is a previous poster. She also said her "B" children were not good students. I remember distinctly because I was surprised a parent had written off young "B" students as failures. (trade school is not failure though, some of the best jobs are in trades, but she makes it sound that way.)

And isn't the SAT the more prevalent test in New Hampshire?

Older girl, middle boy... back.

 

[HopperFan]

You do realize that scholarships are something they earn? Scholarships can be given for GPA, ACT/SAT scores or for service like choir, sports, cheer, or a dozen other things in a school.

Additionally there is work study that can give them some extra money while in school.

And to not use Pell doesn’t make any sense. The money is there for kids who can’t pay for school. It’s not a handout, it’s a hand up.

With her scholarships (that she earned by her ACT score and being in choir) Pell and work study we paid for nothing for Dd to complete her first two years.

Yeah, this is where I will be stepping out.

By OP's own plentiful information he won't have the resources to cover much of their expenses. To go into this dismissing so many good options and resources to assist them is really a disservice to the kids future education. I spelled out perfect examples of the options out there - DH, myself, DS and DD graduated with degrees and no debt ... and it didn't come from flush accounts from parents. Others have listed resources as well. There are options for average students and honestly if his finances are as explained they would qualify for many income based scholarships. SO many on here have given so many good options and ideas and valuable input .... only to have every one of them shut down ... it's just sad to have the outlook of wanting to be miserable and wanting to pass that on to the kids.

 

[NHdisneylover]

This thread has been so disheartening since I seem to have such a different philosophy than most people here. I think I'm pretty much the only one who told the OP it's okay not to let his child go. I don't believe he's doing anything wrong by having those feelings. Every parent parents differently, but pretty much every parent has some things they say no to. His children will be just fine if they don't go on fancy vacations. They'll be happy if he can help them have less debt for college.

Reading this thread tells me that most people here would disagree with my priorities. I would have said no to my child with no guilt whatsoever if it didn't feel right to me because I just don't "get" the need for extra people on a family trip. I still maintain there is nothing wrong if OP simply isn't comfortable with it. Sure, if everyone is all for it, but why the "how dare you not let your child go" stuff? The "don't save money for their future, go on fancier vacations" thing absolutely floors me. My adult kids thank me regularly for their lack of student loans. While we had the ability to do both, we most certainly sacrificed some vacations for post high school education funds. It would have been fun for my kids to do Disney every year, but that would have meant no education fund that year resulting in loans now. They enjoyed the years we camped or just visited grandparents as our only vacations. If it had meant we camped for all our vacations, I would have been fine with that. I'm a big proponent of NOT giving my kids everything, but for education I'd sacrifice.

The OP is fortunate enough to be able to save for an education fund. He takes his kids camping. Those are things to celebrate. It absolutely floors me that people seem to think his children will be missing out if they aren't allowed to go on someone else's family's vacation.

I know this is a message board that focuses on an expensive vacation destination, but when, using just one example, someone is talking about how they paid all expenses for another child to come on their trip and they "only" brought $100 spending money. Yikes! Have we really lost perspective that $100 is A LOT of money for most people?

You are missing the bigger picture. OP is someone who does not even allow his children to have friends over because he is ashamed of his house.
This isn't just about one trip to Disney

 

[Hannahinwonderland]

OP, I really feel for you, because it's clear you have been through a lot and that you are seriously still grieving, which is understandable. Re the trip, you were put in a TOUGH situation by these parents; they completely should have approached you first.

I recently accepted a free trip to Disney, which I spent a lot of time going back and forth on. I have been fortunate to visit Disney a number of times before this trip, but a friend w/ considerable means offered to bring me along on a trip he was going on because it was literally NOT, in any way, a financial burden for him and it made the trip a lot more enjoyable for him to have someone to hang out with. It was hard accepting that gift, and not just seeing it as "charity" but the truth is, my friend wanted me to come purely because he wanted a friend there. This is most likely what is going on with your son's friend- it's just a more fun thing to be able to have a friend along.

Regardless of whether or not you send your son on this trip (totally your call, and I understand what a frustrating position you are in), I really really hope you will consider counseling of some kind for you and for your children if they are also experiencing these feelings of hopelessness and grief. Children & teens are SUPER resilient (source: am almost done w/an advanced degree in child psych) but living under your feelings of embarrassment, shame, and pervasive sadness is not going to help them. Things like grades, scholarship opportunities, etc. go hand in hand with mental health, and as you want the best for your children and are clearly a devoted father, you surely want them to be in the best possible mental health for the future. Kids with trauma from the past may not even succeed in college because they get stuck in patterns from the past. Mental health IS a health issue, just like you would get your child treatment for a physical illness they had.

I wish you well OP! I hope someday you will come back with a positive outlook and a story about a trip to WDW that your family was able to go on. It's never too late to do things as a family either- while it sounds like that kind of vacation can't be and isn't a priority right now, I wouldn't rule it out for the future- circumstances change and I truly hope things improve for you.

 

[jevs]

Hi OP, I don’t know where in New Hampshire you live but you probably need to visit one of these people.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/new-hampshire

If this is a true post, then I do agree that the parents should have spoken to you first about the trip. I also agree with Netts that lack of a Disney trip will not have a detrimental effect of your son, on the other hand if your only reason for saying no is your pride and jealousy that your child will experience something without you then you need help. My kids have experiences with their dad that I don’t share, and they have experiences with me that their dad doesn’t share in. As for your focus on money, billions of kids around the world go without expensive things are turn out fine.

But, red flags, so many red flags I can’t even can’t even....

 

[morgan98]

This thread has been so disheartening since I seem to have such a different philosophy than most people here. I think I'm pretty much the only one who told the OP it's okay not to let his child go. I don't believe he's doing anything wrong by having those feelings. Every parent parents differently, but pretty much every parent has some things they say no to. His children will be just fine if they don't go on fancy vacations. They'll be happy if he can help them have less debt for college.

Reading this thread tells me that most people here would disagree with my priorities. I would have said no to my child with no guilt whatsoever if it didn't feel right to me because I just don't "get" the need for extra people on a family trip. I still maintain there is nothing wrong if OP simply isn't comfortable with it. Sure, if everyone is all for it, but why the "how dare you not let your child go" stuff? The "don't save money for their future, go on fancier vacations" thing absolutely floors me. My adult kids thank me regularly for their lack of student loans. While we had the ability to do both, we most certainly sacrificed some vacations for post high school education funds. It would have been fun for my kids to do Disney every year, but that would have meant no education fund that year resulting in loans now. They enjoyed the years we camped or just visited grandparents as our only vacations. If it had meant we camped for all our vacations, I would have been fine with that. I'm a big proponent of NOT giving my kids everything, but for education I'd sacrifice.

The OP is fortunate enough to be able to save for an education fund. He takes his kids camping. Those are things to celebrate. It absolutely floors me that people seem to think his children will be missing out if they aren't allowed to go on someone else's family's vacation.

I know this is a message board that focuses on an expensive vacation destination, but when, using just one example, someone is talking about how they paid all expenses for another child to come on their trip and they "only" brought $100 spending money. Yikes! Have we really lost perspective that $100 is A LOT of money for most people?

I always find different people's perspectives of the same thread interesting. I really have not seen anyone tell the OP to heck with everything and to go plan a $10k trip to the Grand Floridian. I think what people are trying to explain is that it is not bad to let one of his children have an experience even it he cannot pay for it (or reciprocate in kind). I also think people are telling him that maybe he needs to loosen up just a little. Yes, saving for education and the future is important, but not to the extreme of having absolutely no fun today. Extremes is either direction are not good long term.

I also don't think anyone would disagree that if he is not comfortable with the situation, then he should not let his child go. However, if it were really that simple, why bother starting a thread about it and then disagree with every single suggestion that is presented.

 

[disykat]

I always find different people's perspectives of the same thread interesting. .

Yes, very interesting. I always try to look for best intentions from the OP and react very strongly to what I see as meanness and pile on to the OP. I see words like troll, selfish, etc. as very negative. Yet others here are praising how nice everyone is being to the OP. I have seen a lot of name calling, which I don't consider constructive. I don't get it? I haven't seen anyone mention the Grand Floridian either, but I have definitely seen people say to stop saving for college and take his children on better vacations. They tell him he is selfish and depriving his children. Pretty extreme IMO. I don't think most people live in extremes, but I think many of the reactions to OP have been very extreme.

I would have problem with people telling the OP it's not a bad thing to let his child go. I have a huge problem with people telling someone they are a bad father because he doesn't want to let his child go. That is a difference of opinion, not a reason to call someone a bad parent. I think MANY people have said his comfort in this situation didn't count.

 

[LovesTimone]

Thank you for this post. I'm at the point where I don't want to ask for help because it was so demoralizing when I had to ask for help when my wife had a stroke and later on when she had cancer. I don't think a lot of people understand where I'm coming from and it was sometimes shameful to ask for help. I want my kids to see that taking constant help isn't always right.

In reality they are not offering help to you, they are offering a trip for your son to hang out with their son. Which the offer is for their son too, you more than likely would be doing them a solid as at this age kids want to be around their peers.

I would kindly suggest you might just want to take a step back, and look at it for what it really is... An offer to take your kid to Disney with their kid, it's really not more than that.

 

[luvsJack]

Yes, very interesting. I always try to look for best intentions from the OP and react very strongly to what I see as meanness and pile on to the OP. I see words like troll, selfish, etc. as very negative. Yet others here are praising how nice everyone is being to the OP. I have seen a lot of name calling, which I don't consider constructive. I don't get it? I haven't seen anyone mention the Grand Floridian either, but I have definitely seen people say to stop saving for college and take his children on better vacations. They tell him he is selfish and depriving his children. Pretty extreme IMO. I don't think most people live in extremes, but I think many of the reactions to OP have been very extreme.

I would have problem with people telling the OP it's not a bad thing to let his child go. I have a huge problem with people telling someone they are a bad father because he doesn't want to let his child go. That is a difference of opinion, not a reason to call someone a bad parent. I think MANY people have said his comfort in this situation didn't count.

No one has said to stop saving for their education. What has been said is that, since he is so miserable that he can’t take them anywhere (and he said he couldn’t take them to the movies much less a “better” vacation, he doesn’t allow friends to come over because he is ashamed of his home, etc) that perhaps he should let up on the savings to allow some money to enjoy his kids today. Not a Disney vacation but fun for him and his kids.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

This is a weird thread.

 

[mco65]

I wouldn't look at it as charity. They are probably doing this more for their child than yours, especially if that child has no siblings or siblings close in age. That being said, i would have to know the family very well for me to allow my child to go but if both of those boxes were checked, then yes.. i would let my child go.

 

[mco65]

This is a weird thread.

Agreed but its probably something that many of us have had to ask ourselves. Whether its Disney or some other destination...

 

[Dadof3inNH]

Now I am almost positive this is a previous poster. She also said her "B" children were not good students. I remember distinctly because I was surprised a parent had written off young "B" students as failures. (trade school is not failure though, some of the best jobs are in trades, but she makes it sound that way.)

And isn't the SAT the more prevalent test in New Hampshire?

Older girl, middle boy... back.

I'm not a previous poster.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

I wouldn't look at it as charity. They are probably doing this more for their child than yours, especially if that child has no siblings or siblings close in age. That being said, i would have to know the family very well for me to allow my child to go but if base boxes were checked, then yes.. i would let my child go.

The child has a sister that is a year older.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

Read it again.

He does not take his kids camping. When people suggested it was a good, less expensive, family vacation, he said many times he couldn't do it because the kids thought it was boring, he thought it was boring, and it wasn't good enough because it wasn't a luxury vacation.

I mentioned in previous posts that we did camp in the past, but don't anymore because I don't always like pitching tents and being out there for days.

 

[mco65]

The child has a sister that is a year older.

So if there are 4 of them now, then adding another person would take them out of the value resorts... perhaps they intend to stay at a moderate or deluxe resort regardless so adding another child doesn't add much to the tab... Its been my experience that adding another child doesn't add as much to the hotel/tix costs as it does to the food costs.

One of the things that would concern me more would be the fact that one of my children was getting a thrill of a lifetime by visiting Disney and the others were not. Depending on they dynamics in your family, that could become a big issue down the road.

 

[jevs]

I mentioned in previous posts that we did camp in the past, but don't anymore because I don't always like pitching tents and being out there for days.

Make the kids pitch the tents.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

So if there are 4 of them now, then adding another person would take them out of the value resorts... perhaps they intend to stay at a moderate or deluxe resort regardless so adding another child doesn't add much to the tab... Its been my experience that adding another child doesn't add as much to the hotel/tix costs as it does to the food costs.

One of the things that would concern me more would be the fact that one of my children was getting a thrill of a lifetime by visiting Disney and the others were not. Depending on they dynamics in your family, that could become a big issue down the road.

This is one of my concerns. But, for me it's more about feeling guilty that I wasn't able to take all three kids and my wife(when she was alive) on a very nice vacation.