Parents of son's friend invitied him on a Disney trip for spring break next year

[ashley0139]

From my prespective I could debate your other responses but since you neither know the parents that well or their parenting methods I wouldn't let my children go with them; the fundamentals of association are missing.

That's clearly not the reason he's not letting him go.

 

[Shanti]

They might have secretly felt bad and I don't like being beholden to other people. It's bad enough when I had to take help from assistant offices and my church when my wife was dying. I don't think you have ever been in the situation in which you have to take shamefully take help from other people.

In the past I did have to get help from others, and had no money for trips or sometimes even new clothes for my son. I have not always been financially comfortable as I am now.

When I needed help, I was glad to get it and felt no shame. I've always been a hard worker & good mother, so it wasn't like I wasn't trying. Circumstances were just hard at that time.

Now that times are better, I'm sometimes able to help others, and I'm glad when I'm able to do so. I don't look down on those I help.

Maybe this is because I'm a Christian, or just my personality, but from my perspective we are all brothers and sisters in this world. No person was ever meant to stand completely alone. We're here to help one another. Most of us need some kind of help at some point in our lives.

 

[ShayBells]

I agree with other posters. If your reason for not letting him go is because you don’t want charity. It’s not a very good reason. I get where you are coming from my son goes to a local catholic school on scholarship while his friends are very well off. We save for our trips and I’m blessed enough that my mother pays for half and goes with us. His friends are always taking him to the movies and local parks and refuse to let me pay. I refuse to let them pay when I take their kids with me even though it breaks the bank a little for me. It might be the same reason why your uncomfortable with letting them pay for everything. I don’t want to feel like less. But I wouldn’t hesitate to let my son go if he wanted too. It might also not be charity at all. Maybe they need a companion for their son. Maybe their son begged them to take a friend and he chose your son to go with him. I say get to know the parents. Talk to them more and you might feel better about the idea. If it makes you feel better have the other kid spend a weekend at your home. Take them to the movies or a local park. It’ll be like a mini vacation for the parents and they’ll probably appreciate the time. Time equals money. It all evens out somehow.

 

[NYCgrrl]

That's clearly not the reason he's not letting him go.

I don't know if it is or isn't but what I stated is enough for me.

 

[runwad]

I get where OP is coming from. I'd feel the same way. I could not let someone take my child on vacation and not contribute anything to it. Even if just giving my child his own spending money is causing me and my family a hardship, I'm sorry I'm not allowing it.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

I agree with other posters. If your reason for not letting him go is because you don’t want charity. It’s not a very good reason. I get where you are coming from my son goes to a local catholic school on scholarship while his friends are very well off. We save for our trips and I’m blessed enough that my mother pays for half and goes with us. His friends are always taking him to the movies and local parks and refuse to let me pay. I refuse to let them pay when I take their kids with me even though it breaks the bank a little for me. It might be the same reason why your uncomfortable with letting them pay for everything. I don’t want to feel like less. But I wouldn’t hesitate to let my son go if he wanted too. It might also not be charity at all. Maybe they need a companion for their son. Maybe their son begged them to take a friend and he chose your son to go with him. I say get to know the parents. Talk to them more and you might feel better about the idea. If it makes you feel better have the other kid spend a weekend at your home. Take them to the movies or a local park. It’ll be like a mini vacation for the parents and they’ll probably appreciate the time. Time equals money. It all evens out somehow.

I don't feel comfortable having my kids' friends overnight for several reasons. I also can't really afford to take my own kids to the movies let alone their friends. There is nothing that I can do in return for that my family.

 

[gwynne]

They might have secretly felt bad and I don't like being beholden to other people. It's bad enough when I had to take help from assistant offices and my church when my wife was dying. I don't think you have ever been in the situation in which you have to take shamefully take help from other people.

I don't think this kind offer is about you. It's about your son.
The friend's family asked your 13to to join them on a trip. Try to step back and see this from your son's perspective. He might really enjoy this time with his friend.

And purely philosophical, maybe it would help to keep an eye out for opportunities to pay it forward rather than feeling you need to pay back. It doesn't have to be money, just lend a hand now and then as others did for you. Sometimes in life we need a bit of help, other times we are blessed to be the helper.

 

[Julie's Haircut]

Say no.

Never mind how YOU feel.

How are your other kids going to feel when your middle child gets to go and they don't?

If the other family can't take them all, then none can go. If they're aware of your situation, it's pretty crappy of them to only invite ONE child.

 

[NYCgrrl]

OK, you've stated this several times over; problem solved.

 

[georgina]

I'm not sure why the OP even posted this thread, he clearly does not want to let him go. I don't think they invited his son as a form of helping him, they want their son to have a companion on the trip. There is no need to consider paying them back with a gift of similar means. I didn't grow up with a lot of money, and I'm sure my parents would not have allowed me to go on a trip like this either, and I would have resented them for their pride.

 

[ShayBells]

I don't feel comfortable having my kids' friends overnight for several reasons. I also can't really afford to take my own kids to the movies let alone their friends. There is nothing that I can do in return for that my family.

A kind smile and a “thank you” can mean the world to some people. Sometimes equal to way more than money. That could be enough in return.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

If you are uncomfortable, then say no. Be prepared to deal with your son's disappointment and possible anger and hurt feelings. He is entitled to feel whatever he feels. As a kid who lost his mom and has a dad who can't afford to give him much extra, he will probably feel like this is another big blow. Respect that and let him work through it. Even if it makes you feel bad about yourself.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

I wanted to add that the parents should have asked you before bringing it up to your son. That was a huge carrot to dangle and it put you in a tough position.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

A kind smile and a “thank you” can mean the world to some people. Sometimes equal to way more than money. That could be enough in return.

Maybe, if the family wasn't all that well off I would be ok doing small things for them. But, their son isn't used to simple things like my kids are. I doubt a weekend at my house would even entertain the kid.

 

[Dadof3inNH]

If you are uncomfortable, then say no. Be prepared to deal with your son's disappointment and possible anger and hurt feelings. He is entitled to feel whatever he feels. As a kid who lost his mom and has a dad who can't afford to give him much extra, he will probably feel like this is another big blow. Respect that and let him work through it. Even if it makes you feel bad about yourself.

Look I'm trying my absolute best for my kids and I already feel like a big failure.

 

[ShayBells]

Maybe, if the family wasn't all that well off I would be ok doing small things for them. But, their son isn't used to simple things like my kids are. I doubt a weekend at my house would even entertain the kid.

You’d be shocked how different kids feel. When I was young I lived in a nice house four floors and we were pretty well off. My group of friends I chose lived in a trailer park. I never once thought about it and I loved being in their homes. My sons one friend lives in a mansion. And we live in a townhouse. His friend loves coming over here. They have so much fun!

Life is about way more than dollar signs and who has what. The lesson to be learned here is it doesn’t matter what you have. Everyone should be treated equally and with respect. Whether they are well off or not you shouldn’t think badly about them.

 

[Shanti]

Maybe, if the family wasn't all that well off I would be ok doing small things for them. But, their son isn't used to simple things like my kids are. I doubt a weekend at my house would even entertain the kid.

That is absolutely an assumption and not necessarily true. A camping trip (even in the backyard) can be lots of fun for a kid when it's with a friend. Cooking potatoes over a fire, popping homemade popcorn, telling ghost stories- those make great memories.

Bottom line: you're making this about you, when it really should be about your son.

Let him have a great trip. He's been through so much with the loss of his mother. Let him forget his cares for a while. That will be good for him. It helps a child to know there is more to life than pain, self-denial and sacrifice.

You frankly sound very depressed (understandably). Don't make your son feel the same way. Let him have some joy. Doing so will not make him love you any less. On the contrary, he'll appreciate you for it.

 

[ronandannette]

Oh, for Pete's sake people - they're offering to take the kid to a theme park; it's not like the Dad is denying him a life-saving organ transplant or something. Many, probably most, kids don't ever make it to Disney World and they go on to live happy, productive lives. I didn't go as a child - although I had the best parents in the world. I'm happy to be able to take my own DS and vacations are important to us, but they sure wouldn't be at the expense of everyday necessities or future education.

That said, @Dadof3inNH , we have taken friends of our son's with us as guests several times. It was always as a poster has previously mentioned - we thought our only child would have more fun with a companion. It wasn't a pity gesture and certainly not charity. We just felt it was proper etiquette to pay for the guest we invited. It's probably far less about doing something for your son than doing something for their own.

I do think though that you are just not OK with this situation and you don't have to be. Although I don't exactly share your sentiments, I don't think you need to defend them here. Just say no - your kid will get over it. I hope you do get to spend some good times enjoying yourselves as a family - it doesn't have to be a trip to Disney to do that.

 

[ShayBells]

As long as you show your kids love and how to be kind to others that’s all that matters not what you can or can’t give them material wise.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Look I'm trying my absolute best for my kids and I already feel like a big failure.

I didn't mean it as a personal attack
When he's grown he will look back and see that you did the best you could. But as a kid, he isn't going to understand that.

Frankly, I'm hearing a lot of you-centered talk. Your kid should be the focus. And if the answer is no, your focus should be to help him deal with another hard knock from life. Put aside "you", don't let how it makes you feel show through. Your kid won't care how it makes you feel, he will care how bad it feels to him and I just hope you allow him to work through that.