Parents of son's friend invitied him on a Disney trip for spring break next year

[Figment_Fan]

We have been fortunate enough to have taken some of our children's friends with us on 4 Disney trips. It was different friends with each trip. Chosen not because they couldn't afford to go, but because my kids wanted to share the experience with each of these particular friends. We belong to DVC so the rooms did not cost us anything more. We have driven and flown depending on which was cheaper. The cost didn't increase too much with an added child or two.

I must say, I received more from the experience than the "value" to the friend's parents. The ability to see again through new eyes. The expressions as they tried something new - experience, food, or anything different. One of the boys we took was autistic, so no dark rides. We were in Mouse Gear and he started to get agitated. The clock on the wall, which we never paid any attention to, was ticking in a way that made his skin crawl. Who knew? We exited fast.

We got to our room door and one kid stopped in his tracks at the foot of our Treehouse for the week and looked up puzzled. He stated, it's a real treehouse? We said yes, didn't you pay attention to the stuff we've been e-mailing you. What did you think it would be? He said - a hotel called the Treehouses.

I can never repay the parents that trusted us with their children for those wonderful days. So, if you look at it from that perspective, you are giving the parents taking your child a gift as well as their kids. And, it is a priceless gift. These were some of the best memories that my family has. There is always a some place when we are back at the world where - hey, remember when so and so was here with us and . . . happened? Those memories, along with photographic evidence of some of the out of the ordinary things that happened bring ongoing conversation of memories and joy.

Good luck with your decision to send or not. You know your child and situation better than anyone else.

 

[pezgirlroy]

Also. in NH most public libraries have passes you can check out that provide entry or an entire family to places like the Planetarium, or various museums, etc. A great, totally free resource (at least this was the case a decade ago, I imagine it is likely still the case).


ETA: I just looked it up. The NH library I used to wórk at still offers free passes to:
Currier Museum of Art
McAuliffe-Shepard Discovery Center
Museum of New Hampshire History
Mt. Kearsarge Indian Museum
SEE Science Center
Squam Lakes Science Center

Libraries are such a great resource for inexpensive/free fun.

Exactly what I was going to say. I live in New Hampshire. There are so many things to do that are either free or inexpensive. Also in Maine, VT, and Mass. Also there are many support groups in my area of New Hampshire for parents who are in this situation. This just seems so off to me.

 

[pezgirlroy]

Also, I know you said that you would not seek out therapy because it is a waste. I really hope that the children have been offered a chance to go.

 

[camper06]

my first and last post on this thread. to the OP

Have the decency to let the friends family know right away that your son wont be going so they can invite someone else.

 

[MrsPete]

I called my mom and asked if my friend could spend the weekend, and so she did. On Saturday, my mom made dinner and a birthday cake. It wasn't a fancy cake (she's done better ones) but my friend cried. At first, I thought she was sad that her parents left her alone for her birthday... but she said no... she was crying because nobody had ever made her a birthday cake before, nor even asked her what flavor she wanted. Her cake had always come from a store and she never got to pick it. She said it was her best birthday ever. She's 46 years old now and she STILL talks about the cake that my mom made for her. And she has kids now and she makes them birthday cakes.

Similar story that made me so sad:

My youngest child had a friend over -- a kid I knew in passing, and I know they live in a much nicer house than we do. I called the kids to the table, and the guest-girl brought a book, which she set politely on the edge of the table. I thought this was odd, even though she's an avid reader. We had a nice meal, talked and sat at the table for a while after the food was gone. When we finished, the girl said to me, "I like eating at your house. Y'all talk and have fun. At my house we all just read a book or sometimes play video games while we eat."

 

[Carrie in AZ]

I feel conflicted about this. I personally would have a hard time allowing my child to go on a vacation with a family whom I do not know well. I'm not really sure I even like that family -- I feel it was rude for them to state they invited your child because they know you can't afford vacations. That was very rude in my opinion. Couldn't they have stated that it would be doing them a favor for them to have a buddy along for their own son and leave it at that? That would be my first issue. My second issue would be that I would feel badly for my other two children who may not be able to go to Disney until they are grown up on their own and pay for it. Maybe not allowing one to go because all three can't go may be silly, but it would surely enter my mind.

I am sorry for all you have been through. My own husband had a very difficult childhood due to his Dad passing away when he was only 7yo. He and his Mom lived a VERY modest lifestyle. My husband is the finest man I've ever known and we have lived a very happy life for almost 30 years. What he tells me is that even though they didn't have much, he KNEW his Mom loved him and did the best she could with what they had. Your kids will say the same about you!

 

[otten]

From what I've read of this thread I think you are teaching your kids to be ashamed of their financial situation which is incredibly unhealthy. You have obviously internalized the belief that needing help is something to be ashamed of (since you've used those terms repeatedly here) but it's not and it is hurting your kids to be teaching them that.

Two of the most important lessons we can teach children is 1. that there is no shame in asking for or needing help and 2. that sharing what we have helps everyone.

 

[Bete]

I spent summers with an aunt. My parents both had to work. We never owned a car until I was older and I could afford one. My dad died when I was 11.

My aunt had two kids, both younger than me. Anyway, they had a car and we went to fun places nearby. I could never imagine what was out there in life experiences if it wasn't for that aunt. This gave me a lot more to look forward to in life. My parents did pay my aunt a small amount for me to spend my summers there. They were not rich. The money probably covered my food and a few extras.

I was close to that aunt my whole life.

I know having a relative is not the same as your situation. I still really feel you should let him go.

If you feel obligated ask them what you could do for them in return?

 

[MissManda]

I will admit that i haven’t ready every single post on this long-thread, but I wanted to chime in on a couple of things.

When I was growing up, I would say that my immediate family lived on the lower end of middle class. We did not have room for luxuries. My dad worked hard to provide for us, even with several lay offs at his job and my Mom stayed at home. Not once did I ever feel deprived because they could not provide vacations every year or buy me designer cloths or whatever. If we did take vacations, they were paid for by my grandparents and it was one week at the beach. This year, my husband and I rented a beach house for the week for our family at the same beach my grandparents took us too. At absolutely no point in time did it ever cross anyone’s mind that my parents would feel bad because we were paying for their vacation when they never provided vacations when I was young. In fact, I felt proud to provide them with a relaxing vacation. They worked hard their whole life and while they don’t have a lot to monetarily show for it, they are loved and their sacrifices didn’t go unseen. It felt good to give them something nice.

Also, my sister died when she was 28. She had three kids ages 4, 6, and 10. They will never know what it’s like to take a vacation with their whole family. Does that hurt, yes? Of course it does. We feel sad that she is isn’t here, but can’t let that sadness overshadow the good memories that we can still make- be it a trip to the beach, a trip to Disney, or a simple picnic/cookout in the mountains.

My husband and I ended up with custody of our oldest nephew. When he graduated high school, he and a friend were invited by family members to spend a week in Tampa. We paid for our nephews plane ticket but couldn’t afford to pay for his friends ticket at the time, so his family paid for it. A year later when his friend graduated, he invited my nephew to his graduation trip....which turned out to be three weeks in Europe paid for 100% by the friends aunt. I will admit that it did make us feel bad that we had this friend pay for his plane tickets a year before and my nephew was the recipient of such a generous trip . However, we were happy for such an amazing opportunity and would have never taken that away from him.

Regardless of if you let your child go to Disney or not, I hope you can see that we all have different circumstances in life and finances. I’m sorry for the loss of your wife. Just knowing my families struggles after my sister died, I have a lot of empathy for you. It’s hard to raise kids without their Mom and you without a wife. It’s not how it should be. I hope you can find some help because you do seem to suffer from depression, which is totally understandable. Please don’t let it destroy you and your kids.

 

[heaven2dc]

I can understand your thoughts and feelings towards this family's generous offer. I'm so sorry to hear about your wife - it's tough on the whole family and hard to know sometimes how to rebuild your lives after such a tragedy. If you don't mind, I'll share my experience. I became a single mom to 5 kids when my husband passed away from of a heart attack when we had just arrived at our hotel at the beginning of our WDW vacation in December 1994. We had booked a value resort and were only able to afford 2 days in the parks. Sadly we cancelled that trip which my husband had looked so forward to experiencing with his family (he had health issues prior and I think he felt time was precious and we saved and saved for three years to make this happen.) Fast forward to 1997 I was able to save enough money to take my kids on their dad's dream trip which was bittersweet since he wasn't with us. I was able to offer to include two of my oldest son's childhood friends to come along on the trip and their parents were hesitant to accept my offer. They knew it was a struggle in 1994 to even take the trip then and a struggle for me to offer to include their sons but I told them my late husband thought of their boys as one of their own and I knew he would have loved to include them on this trip.

I convinced them that they wouldn't need to buy a thing - everything would be taken care but they ended up giving their sons a Disney gift card to give to me as a thank you. I called to thank them while we were at Disney and they could hear their boys laughing in the background (we were waiting in line for Big Thunder Mountain Railroad). They said it made their day to hear their boys having so much fun - that even though they couldn't take them, it made them happy hearing them having a great time. I used the gift cards to let them pick out souvenirs and extra snacks to take home to their parents. We still keep in touch with these families all these years later and talk about what a great experience it was. I was hesitant in accepting anything from anyone after my husband died just like you - I didn't want to feel obligated. But one of the parents of the boys we invited on the trip told me that sometimes we just have to set our pride aside, accept what life has to offer and know that one day you'll be able to pay it forward.

 

[Goofy8634]

We didn't have a lot growing up, and I am eternally grateful for each and every "extra" experience I got due to being invited somewhere by a friend's family or more distant family member.

These families were not "paid back" at that time, but I pay it back in my own way now, and far more than I received. I sometimes pay for friends, family, and friends' children to travel with me, most of whom would not be able to afford such a trip on their own. The cost is not a burden to me, I enjoy having their company, I enjoy seeing familiar places in new ways, and I hope it gives them memories they cherish.

 

[antmaril]

I sometimes pay for friends, family, and friends' children to travel with me, most of whom would not be able to afford such a trip on their own. The cost is not a burden to me, I enjoy having their company, I enjoy seeing familiar places in new ways, and I hope it gives them memories they cherish.

When I was a young girl, my aunt and uncle would take me on vacation with them to be a companion to my cousin, an only child. These were long road trips - almost three weeks. My aunt and uncle paid for everything. My parents gave me a little spending money for souvenirs. We had such fun and I am eternally grateful to them for including me. My cousin and I often reminisce about those trips.

My son is an only child and when he was little, we would take a friend or cousin on vacation with us to keep him company. We also paid for everything and only asked for a little spending money for the child. It was our pleasure to do it. It was a win/win situation.

Now, I am a senior citizen and widowed. I am about to take a friend on a cruise for the third time. We have big fun together and she cannot afford trips like this. The first time I offered the cruise to her, I told her that we are giving a gift to each other. I am gifting her the trip and she is giving me the gift of her friendship and companionship. Again, a win/win. I am happy to do it. I don’t expect any payback.

I hope the OP lets his son take the trip. Hopefully, he can pay it forward when he is an adult and the memories will last a lifetime.

 

[tasha99]

When my kids were young, we were quite poor due to divorce. My son got invited on a lot of trips that we could never afford because his grandparents paid for him to go to private school. He was in a circle of affluent people, so that's who he made friends with. We were by far the poorest family in that school. I let him go if it was with his close friends--why deny him those experiences?

We're much better off now, and I have taken some of my young adult kids' friends on trips with us--to Disney and NYC. It's sort of paying it forward, since my kid benefited in the past. One of my son's best friends didn't come last year, and I was sad that he felt he couldn't due to finances. We wanted to pay his park ticket, and the rest was really a wash, as we always get a 2BR DVC apartment, and stock the fridge with food. Him going would have improved our trip (or at least my son's).

I think you should really examine how much of your not wanting your kids to go is resentment and how much is truly discomfort with the kid's family. Discomfort due to their wealth shouldn't count, as we can all improve our lot in life through work and education. Whatever you do, let the family know, as they probably just want to make sure their kid has a great time, which is much easier if a friend is along.

Also, don't assume having a smaller house etc is unappealing. You mentioned your kids are too old to camp in the back yard. Really? My kids are in their 20s, and they still like doing things like that (especially if there's a meteor shower). Simple things can be fun, too.

 

[Pumbaa_]

Are your kids receiving survivor benefits?
https://www.investopedia.com/personal-finance/social-security-survivor-benefits-work/

 

[BadPinkTink]

people, people sigh... so many of you sharing your personal stories and trying to be nice... its just utterly pointless at this stage.
the OP @Dadof3inNH last replied on 1 September and was last online and reading posts on 7 September.

Its obvious at this stage that the OP is not interested in everyones stories of similar circumstances and cant be bothered even replying and thanking everyone for trying to help.

 

[Pumbaa_]

Dad sounds very depressed and overwhelmed by his circumstances. His is not an easy life

 

[Karin1984]

people, people sigh... so many of you sharing your personal stories and trying to be nice... its just utterly pointless at this stage.
the OP @Dadof3inNH last replied on 1 September and was last online and reading posts on 7 September.

Its obvious at this stage that the OP is not interested in everyones stories of similar circumstances and cant be bothered even replying and thanking everyone for trying to help.

I only read the first 3 pages, but I wondered why he even asked at all. He had clearly made up his mind and disagreed with everyone who gave their opinion.
I stopped reading when he said he didn't want to have any kind of help, whether it was therapy or for his child to have an experience he can't give.
There is nothing wrong with getting help.

 

[antmaril]

people, people sigh... so many of you sharing your personal stories and trying to be nice... its just utterly pointless at this stage.
the OP @Dadof3inNH last replied on 1 September and was last online and reading posts on 7 September.

Its obvious at this stage that the OP is not interested in everyones stories of similar circumstances and cant be bothered even replying and thanking everyone for trying to help.

You’re right. I responded earlier today. Not sure why because I am doubtful that any of these stories will help or that this is actually legit. Oh well —we tried, just in case.

 

[karen4546]

In my opinion, tell your child and the parents that you appreciate the offer, but at this time your child can not go. If they ask why tell them that it would not be fair to your other children. If you want to go to Disney in the future, there are so many ways to go on a budget. This board is a great resource but for such a personal decision, I would not base my decision on this forum. I hope that you and your family are well and if you decided to go on a trip in the future it will be all the more special because you will all be together.
All the best.

 

[motherof5]

To the OP do whatever you think is best for your family. Don't feel guilty if you do let your son go. If the family is someone you trust and your son will have fun that is what is most important. If you can repay the family a different way versus monetary do so. I had a family help me do yard work as they didn't have a lot. Let me tell you that meant a lot to me, if I had to pay someone it would have cost more and if we had to do it ourselves we would have wasted a lot of time that we could have spent with our children. It takes a village to raise a family. Good luck to whatever you decide.