What would you consider an Emotional Affair?

[Hikergirl]

I don't know, I think what is gross is letting a married man know you are available and willing.
Not that he is without blame, but a woman should stay away from a married man, even one having problems in his marriage. Two wrongs don't make a right, and like a pp said- there aren't any real DIS friendly alternatives to call him here.

 

[DLgal]

Willing to bet good money that there has already been a physical affair. This story sounds like a boatload of BS.

 

[DLgal]

Why do women have to stay away from married men? Why put that on "women?" Do men, in particular, married men, not have a duty to exercise restraint and stay away from other women?

This treads awfully close to "she deserved to get assaulted because she was wearing skimpy clothes and the man couldn't help himself."

If a man is married, the onus is on HIM to keep his relationships with others strictly platonic.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Why do women have to stay away from married men? Why put that on "women?"...

It's not just on her, but I do think it's on both. As I said above: You don't cheat on your spouse, and you don't "help" anyone else cheat on theirs.

Besides, why would a woman ever want to get together with a married man? - Like my Grandma always said: "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you."

 

[Hikergirl]

Why do women have to stay away from married men? Why put that on "women?" Do men, in particular, married men, not have a duty to exercise restraint and stay away from other women?

This treads awfully close to "she deserved to get assaulted because she was wearing skimpy clothes and the man couldn't help himself."

If a man is married, the onus is on HIM to keep his relationships with others strictly platonic.

Are you serious? Give me a break the bolded doesn't even deserve a response.


I think we will have to agree to disagree, I have an issue with a woman telling a married man she is available and willing just the same as I do with a man telling a married woman he is available and willing.
And I "put" that on a woman because she is wrong for doing it, and in case you missed it in my thread- that doesn't absolve him of his wrong doing.
The OP mentioned that this woman did just that, so I am discussing that.

 

[Toolulu22]

I am in the midst of dealing with the wreckage of marriage of couple I’ve know since they started dated. The couple just had a baby in February, and he took his “emotional” affair to a physical affair last November. There is more, and it is twisted. He was asked to resign from his job (I work with him). I just wish they would have sought out counseling before it got to this point.

If your friend is having issues with his marriage, maybe he could do that? Before divorcing his wife or having an affair. It sounds as though he may want to work on the problems.

And no matter what you call it, he has broken the “faithful” part of his marriage vows by opening his heart to another person in a desirous way. He must be leaving out a lot of information about this woman, because wives have good intuition. If my husband was talking about some colleague, I would shut that down! I would find out who she is, why he is so interested in her, and plan accordingly (new job hunny)!

 

[fly girl]

Why do women have to stay away from married men? Why put that on "women?" Do men, in particular, married men, not have a duty to exercise restraint and stay away from other women?

This treads awfully close to "she deserved to get assaulted because she was wearing skimpy clothes and the man couldn't help himself."

If a man is married, the onus is on HIM to keep his relationships with others strictly platonic.

Yes, the big blame should go on the married person. They made vows to their spouse to stay faithful.

However, a person who is willing to be with someone who is married is pretty shady. I go with the old adage, how would you like it if it was done to you? And in likelihood if you stay with the cheater for any length of time, you will be fulfilling that adage before long.

 

[Julie's Haircut]

Yes, and he needs to ignore this jezebel immediately!

"Yes, and he needs to ignore this jezebel co-worker immediately!"

Fixed it for you. Our language is sorely lacking in certain words, notably an equally reprehinsible, insulting, and offensive term for the OP's friend. The female co-worker is not in this situation alone; the male is so far from blameless I can't even.

Why do many cheating husbands find it so easy to do so?

Because the majority of people, even women, blame the other woman instead of the married man.

 

[a1tinkfans]

Based on what OP stated.. agree emotional affair and already stepped outside his vows. Hope he and his spouse get the help they need to get their relationship back on track...
As far as the female goes.. personally find her despicable to “ offer herself up”

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Why do many cheating husbands find it so easy to do so?

Because the majority of people, even women, blame the other woman instead of the married man.

Exactly! They'll make every attempt to forgive the man, but the woman will be branded for life. I'm not one that feels that way. If my DH cheats on me, I'll give him all of the blame. He was the one that vowed to be faithful to me. No one can make him cheat. Only he could make that decision. The only exception would be, if the woman was someone very close to me. I'd still give DH total blame, but I would feel like the other woman betrayed me too.

 

[DLgal]

Are you serious? Give me a break the bolded doesn't even deserve a response.


I think we will have to agree to disagree, I have an issue with a woman telling a married man she is available and willing just the same as I do with a man telling a married woman he is available and willing.
And I "put" that on a woman because she is wrong for doing it, and in case you missed it in my thread- that doesn't absolve him of his wrong doing.
The OP mentioned that this woman did just that, so I am discussing that.

I am not saying it's okay, but your statement "women should stay away from married men" is ridiculous. Many married men are very capable of being friends with women, female co workers, etc without having an affair. If a woman "offers herself up" to a happily married man, she will get rejected. It happens all the time. I don't blame the women in those situations at all...if anything happens, it's the fault of the married man (or woman...this doesn't only happen in heterosexual couples). Women do not need to be immediately suspicious of every woman out there that approaches their husbands. That just smacks of jealousy and insecurity.

 

[Disney Ron]

Thanks. It was a very tough few months--she (and we) were totally blindsided. It was only days after she began to suspect that she found proof and it ended within a month thereafter. I still can't believe the schmuck went to counseling, wasted her time, broke her heart even more and then told her he only went so she could realize what she did wrong. I loved this kid like a son and treated him as one--never thought he could do this to her. . .you just never know. Over a year has passed and she is over it and him! He got his wish--she ended it and moved on.

Your daughter is much better off. Good things are ahead for her.

 

[fly girl]

I am not saying it's okay, but your statement "women should stay away from married men" is ridiculous. Many married men are very capable of being friends with women, female co workers, etc without having an affair. If a woman "offers herself up" to a happily married man, she will get rejected. It happens all the time. I don't blame the women in those situations at all...if anything happens, it's the fault of the married man (or woman...this doesn't only happen in heterosexual couples). Women do not need to be immediately suspicious of every woman out there that approaches their husbands. That just smacks of jealousy and insecurity.

I agree with everything you said.

But...

I do think it is kind of skeevy for a man or woman to “offer themselves up” to someone who’s married. And if you know that person is in a happy marriage, why on earth would you try and ruin it? That shows you really don’t give a rip about anyone’s feelings but your own.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I agree with everything you said.

But...

I do think it is kind of skeevy for a man or woman to “offer themselves up” to someone who’s married. And if you know that person is in a happy marriage, why on earth would you try and ruin it? That shows you really don’t give a rip about anyone’s feelings but your own.

If he or she is in a happy marriage, you couldn't ruin it. He/she could simply tell you they're not interested. I had someone try to hook me up with their cousin, when I was dating my now DH. I simply told them I was happy in my relationship & had no intention of cheating on him. End of story.

 

[fly girl]

If he's in a happy marriage, you couldn't ruin it. He could simply tell you he's not interested. I had someone try to hook me up with their cousin, when I was dating my now DH. I simply told them I was happy in my relationship & had no intention of cheating on him. End of story.

I agreed with DLgal's post it wouldn’t ruin it if the committed person declined. But I added that I think it is skeevy for a person to advance themselves on a married person. That is just my opinion. We may have to agree to disagree on that point.

Honestly, I wasn’t thinking along lines of dating and trying to connect two people. My thought process was with co-workers who got along and somehow the single person developed more intense feelings and tried to pursue the married one. If you are a true friend, you wouldn't "offer yourself up" because you value your friend and their relationship with their spouse. That was my line of thinking. Not the "I want you to meet this person because I think s/he would be a great match" scenario. Does that make sense?

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I agreed with DLgal's post it wouldn’t ruin it if the committed person declined. But I added that I think it is skeevy for a person to advance themselves on a married person. That is just my opinion. We may have to agree to disagree on that point.

Honestly, I wasn’t thinking along lines of dating and trying to connect two people. My thought process was with co-workers who got along and somehow the single person developed more intense feelings and tried to pursue the married one. If you are a true friend, you wouldn't "offer yourself up" because you value your friend and their relationship with their spouse. That was my line of thinking. Not the "I want you to meet this person because I think s/he would be a great match" scenario. Does that make sense?

I agree that a true friend wouldn't do that, but that doesn't mean a person who cheats on a spouse doesn't want to do it. No one can make a person cheat. If they do, it's because they wanted to. I think some people want to blame the other person, because it's easier. I suppose it's hard to get past the infidelity, if you can't blame someone else. That doesn't mean that the spouse wasn't the one that actually betrayed them.

I edited my previous post a few times, because I wasn't sure I wanted to share so much. I've had more than one person try to hook up with me, before & after DH & I were married. I even had a supervisor try to convince me to leave DH, when I was pregnant. He tried to sell the point that he would be a great Dad to DS. I told him what he could do with that idea & changed departments ASAP. People can do horrible things. Only the person you are married to can cheat on you. If I had taken any of those men up on their offer, it would have been all on me.

 

[mummabear]

It's not just on her, but I do think it's on both. As I said above: You don't cheat on your spouse, and you don't "help" anyone else cheat on theirs.

Besides, why would a woman ever want to get together with a married man? - Like my Grandma always said: "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you."

Yes, the big blame should go on the married person. They made vows to their spouse to stay faithful.

However, a person who is willing to be with someone who is married is pretty shady. I go with the old adage, how would you like it if it was done to you? And in likelihood if you stay with the cheater for any length of time, you will be fulfilling that adage before long.

Again depends on the situation. Someone that has an ongoing physical affair behind their partners back, sure.
But someone who actually falls for a coworker, there are loads of stories about those that actually work out.

I agree with everything you said.

But...

I do think it is kind of skeevy for a man or woman to “offer themselves up” to someone who’s married. And if you know that person is in a happy marriage, why on earth would you try and ruin it? That shows you really don’t give a rip about anyone’s feelings but your own.

I am betting that no one is offering themselves up without some pretty damn strong vibes coming from the married person.
How much can you expect someone to care for the feelings of a stranger over their own. You are saying they should sacrifice their own happiness.

I agreed with DLgal's post it wouldn’t ruin it if the committed person declined. But I added that I think it is skeevy for a person to advance themselves on a married person. That is just my opinion. We may have to agree to disagree on that point.

Honestly, I wasn’t thinking along lines of dating and trying to connect two people. My thought process was with co-workers who got along and somehow the single person developed more intense feelings and tried to pursue the married one. If you are a true friend, you wouldn't "offer yourself up" because you value your friend and their relationship with their spouse. That was my line of thinking. Not the "I want you to meet this person because I think s/he would be a great match" scenario. Does that make sense?

The first post talked about the relationship developing over a long period of time.
Has anyone seen the recent season of suits and the relationship between the unmarried Katrina and married Brian, because that is what I am picturing the OP talking about. A couple of years of friendship that has slowly developed into something more

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Again depends on the situation. Someone that has an ongoing physical affair behind their partners back, sure.
But someone who actually falls for a coworker, there are loads of stories about those that actually work out.

I am betting that no one is offering themselves up without some pretty damn strong vibes coming from the married person.
How much can you expect someone to care for the feelings of a stranger over their own. You are saying they should sacrifice their own happiness.



The first post talked about the relationship developing over a long period of time.
Has anyone seen the recent season of suits and the relationship between the unmarried Katrina and married Brian, because that is what I am picturing the OP talking about. A couple of years of friendship that has slowly developed into something more

Right. And to me, having a slowly-built history together always seems to carry stronger and deeper feelings than a whirlwind romance. Not to mention that the husband kept this from his wife - if it wasn't anything more than just two coworkers having a normal coworker interactions, he wouldn't have felt like it was a secret. It wasn't like he didn't have enough time....the guy has been working there for at least the past 5 years.

 

[fly girl]

I agree that a true friend wouldn't do that, but that doesn't mean a person who cheats on a spouse doesn't want to do it. No one can make a person cheat. If they do, it's because they wanted to. I think some people want to blame the other person, because it's easier. I suppose it's hard to get past the infidelity, if you can't blame someone else. That doesn't mean that the spouse was the one that actually betrayed them.

I edited my previous post a few times, because I wasn't sure I wanted to share so much. I've had more than one person try to hook up with me, before & after DH & I were married. I even had a supervisor try to convince me to leave DH, when I was pregnant. He tried to sell the point that he would be a great Dad to DS. I told him what he could do with that idea & changed departments ASAP. People can do horrible things. Only the person you are married to can cheat on you. If I had taken any of those men up on their offer, it would have been all on me.

OK, we are on the same page with this. I agree with you, but let me state this again because I think many of you believe I am putting this on the single person. I AM NOT! Look at post #87 the majority of the blame goes on the married person. But I just don't find the other person completely innocent. It takes two to tango, and they willingly participated in being with a married person.

However, I think you are right that some want to blame the other person more, which isn't right. My guess is that it is a coping mechanism, easier to blame outside factor for turning world upside down.

Again depends on the situation. Someone that has an ongoing physical affair behind their partners back, sure.
But someone who actually falls for a coworker, there are loads of stories about those that actually work out.

I am betting that no one is offering themselves up without some pretty damn strong vibes coming from the married person.
How much can you expect someone to care for the feelings of a stranger over their own. You are saying they should sacrifice their own happiness.



The first post talked about the relationship developing over a long period of time.
Has anyone seen the recent season of suits and the relationship between the unmarried Katrina and married Brian, because that is what I am picturing the OP talking about. A couple of years of friendship that has slowly developed into something more

So are you saying that you think the PP who said she had advances even while she was pregnant was giving strong vibes off to her supervisor? That is totally unfair to assume that!! I think there are people who perceive strong vibes when there aren't any there ... they perceive being nice as an advance.

On sacrificing own happiness, my thought process was on coworkers who were friends. I think advancing yourself onto a married person could be quite selfish because you aren't valuing the friends personal relationships and what that could ensue. It is just my opinion, and I think we will have to agree to disagree on this.

And I don't watch Suits so I cannot answer to that.

(edited for spelling and grammar)

 

[tarheelmjfan]

OK, we are on the same page with this. I agree with you, but let me state this again because I think many of you believe I am putting this on the single person. I AM NOT! Look at post #87 the majority of the blame goes on the married person. But I just don't find the other person completely innocent. It takes two to tango, and they willingly participated in being with a married person.

However, I think you are right that some want to blame the other person more, which isn't right. My guess is that it is a coping mechanism, easier to blame outside factor for turning world upside down.



So are you saying that you think the PP who said she had advances even while she was pregnant was giving strong vibes off to her supervisor? That is totally unfair to assume that!! I think there are people who perceive strong vibes when there aren't any there ... they perceive being nice as an advance.

On sacrificing own happiness, my thought process was on coworkers who were friends. I think advancing yourself onto a married person could be quite selfish because you aren't valuing the friends personal relationships and what ruing that could ensue. It is just my opinion, and I think we will have to agree to disagree on this.

And I don't watch Suits so I cannot answer to that.

In my experience, being nice isn't even necessary. Some people are crazy enough to think you'd consider cheating on your spouse with them, even though you haven't spoken more than 2 or 3 words to them in your life.