What would you consider an Emotional Affair?

Lilacs4Me

DIS Veteran
Joined
Aug 31, 2015
DH and I were debating this last night. DH has a friend at work going though this and DH was telling me about it. We disagreed on whether this qualified as an affair, emotional affair, or just an "awakening" for the person as to what's wrong in their own relationship.

Basic situation:
  • Friend and coworker have an obvious attraction that has grown over a few years time
  • Friend is married, coworker is not. Coworker has made it clearly known that she is willing and available
  • Friend has told his wife about the coworker, but in bits and pieces, and hasn't told her everything (like how emotionally attached he is to the coworker)
  • Friend has let his feelings for the coworker affect his marriage - his frustrations, anger, longing for a connection, etc is being directed in a negative way toward his wife, whom he thinks doesn't love him like the coworker does/could
  • Friend realized it is getting into dangerous territory, he started to distance himself from the coworker. Is altering his day, workload, etc to make an effort to stay away from her. This might ultimately affect his career. His boss and others in the office can see what's happening
  • Friend has said he considered leaving his wife, but decided to stay committed to her and their family. He is very sad about his choice but feels like he wants to rekindle his relationship with his wife and not ruin his family over this.

I may have missed a detail or two here since I'm hearing it secondhand, but that's the gist of it.

I say this has emotional affair written all over it. DH says no, this is not an affair at all but his friend is just a hot mess because he realized that he and his wife have drifted apart and he wants her to give him more attention and time so that he won't want to continue on wanting something more with this coworker.

What do you think? (and this is meant to be a discussion about emotional affairs in general, too....not just a hyper-focus on the details above, so feel free to add to the discussion!)
 


OP, the one thing you didn't include in the friend's actions: is he also confiding in and commisserating with coworker about the state of his marriage? Does he use the coworker as his confidante rather than his wife? Those are two other flags for emotional affair.
 


I feel sorry for the wife. Even if she is the most disgusting shrew ever known, her husband should be open and honest with her. A marriage deserves that at least. How would he feel if the tables were turned?
 
Lilacs4Me said:
I say this has emotional affair written all over it. DH says no, this is not an affair at all but his friend is just a hot mess because he realized that he and his wife have drifted apart and he wants her to give him more attention and time so that he won't want to continue on wanting something more with this coworker.
The bolded is interesting. He's putting a lot on his wife that really, he is responsible for. Of course it's a two way street (and we don't know the details) but what if she's caring for a special needs or physically disabled child or family member, or works a demanding job to help support their lifestyle and family, or has medical issues herself, or any number of things. This is the part that falls under "in good times and bad times, in sickness and health". There are things that can be done to help achieve their wanting more time together IF they both want more time together. But it can be difficult to find a compromise amidst the anger and resentment that can build when a relationship starts to break down. I do give him credit for trying to control himself, especially when this not so nice woman has made herself so available knowing full well he has a partner and family.
 
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DH says no, this is not an affair at all but his friend is just a hot mess because he realized that he and his wife have drifted apart and he wants her to give him more attention and time so that he won't want to continue on wanting something more with this coworker.

So, coworker is blaming his wife's inattention for his interest in coworker? That's a gigantic red flag. Yes, it's quite possible that his wife doesn't give him any attention or time, but it's also quite possible that he's so enamored of the coworker that his feelings about his wife have been eclipsed. Also, if your description is accurate, it sounds as though the coworker wants his wife to solve this problem for him--by changing her behavior.

Are you just trying to figure out if this meets the definition of an emotional affair? Yes, it does.
 
DH and I were debating this last night. DH has a friend at work going though this and DH was telling me about it. We disagreed on whether this qualified as an affair, emotional affair, or just an "awakening" for the person as to what's wrong in their own relationship.

Basic situation:
  • Friend and coworker have an obvious attraction that has grown over a few years time
  • Friend is married, coworker is not. Coworker has made it clearly known that she is willing and available
  • Friend has told his wife about the coworker, but in bits and pieces, and hasn't told her everything (like how emotionally attached he is to the coworker)
  • Friend has let his feelings for the coworker affect his marriage - his frustrations, anger, longing for a connection, etc is being directed in a negative way toward his wife, whom he thinks doesn't love him like the coworker does/could
  • Friend realized it is getting into dangerous territory, he started to distance himself from the coworker. Is altering his day, workload, etc to make an effort to stay away from her. This might ultimately affect his career. His boss and others in the office can see what's happening
  • Friend has said he considered leaving his wife, but decided to stay committed to her and their family. He is very sad about his choice but feels like he wants to rekindle his relationship with his wife and not ruin his family over this.

I may have missed a detail or two here since I'm hearing it secondhand, but that's the gist of it.

I say this has emotional affair written all over it. DH says no, this is not an affair at all but his friend is just a hot mess because he realized that he and his wife have drifted apart and he wants her to give him more attention and time so that he won't want to continue on wanting something more with this coworker.

What do you think? (and this is meant to be a discussion about emotional affairs in general, too....not just a hyper-focus on the details above, so feel free to add to the discussion!)

It sounds like the friend is trying to do the right thing now. So, good for him.
I hope it’s not too late for him and his marriage.
 
Yes, and he needs to ignore this jezebel immediately!

Sounds to me like he's the one who is married and spilling his guts to this woman inappropriately. While she should have certainly stopped the behavior, it'd hardly lay the blame entirely, or even in the majority, on her head.

Of course it's an emotional affair, but those don't usually arise out of a place of happiness. Hopefully the couple can get some counseling and come back together.
 
Sounds to me like he's the one who is married and spilling his guts to this woman inappropriately. While she should have certainly stopped the behavior, it'd hardly lay the blame entirely, or even in the majority, on her head.

Of course it's an emotional affair, but those don't usually arise out of a place of happiness. Hopefully the couple can get some counseling and come back together.
Oh completely agree it's his fault too. I didnt mean to have it be assumed that he was not at fault. I'm going off the part where she told him she's single and ready to be with him.
 
Oh completely agree it's his fault too. I didnt mean to have it be assumed that he was not at fault. I'm going off the part where she told him she's single and ready to be with him.

Fair enough, but it sounds a bit like he lead her on too. I've seen that before and it seemed like the guy in the instance I know personally wanted the attention from the woman he was having the emotional affair with and his wife. That guy is an immature d-bag though and generally kinda sleezy, so there's that. There's plenty of fault to go around in this situation. I hope the woman finds a nice single man though and stops talking to the men who are married. I do fault her for letting it come to that.
 
At this point it sounds like the friend has made the decision to stay with wife, rekindle what they had and avoid co-worker so I don't consider it an emotional affair. I think it could have become one and sounds like it probably would have led to a physical one. I kind of side with your dh, it sounds like friend is seeking attention that he isn't getting from his wife and was drawn to this co-worker, but realizes it's not right.
Now it is up to him whether this goes farther, any intimate contact (and I don't mean physical) between he and this coworker from here on out would definitely be an affair.
 
OP, the one thing you didn't include in the friend's actions: is he also confiding in and commisserating with coworker about the state of his marriage? Does he use the coworker as his confidante rather than his wife? Those are two other flags for emotional affair.

Personally, I think it sounds like the coworker knows more about the wife than the wife knows about the coworker, so my guess would be that the guy is talking to her about more than just account A, B, and C. What he talks to her about specifically, I would have no way of knowing of course, but I've had many single friends of the opposite sex at work in the 30 years I've been in the workforce and I talked to them about all kinds of stuff, but never my husband and my problems to the point where they know more about my feelings than my DH does. I this case, it sounds like the coworker knows a lot about the friend, personally.
 

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