What would you consider an Emotional Affair?

[Lilacs4Me]

I dont think it is boredom so much as that many people get together and spend 10-18 years having kids, doing the family thing, kids grow up, the adults think, "is this all to life? FOMO when I see my childless adult friends!!!!" And they want to catch up on all the fun.... often the other person is not in that mental place yet.... if they still want to overparent their teens, they like their simple life, etc.

That makes sense. DH and I have had those conversations since we are exactly at that point in our lives. We have one graduated from HS last year, one Sophomore, and the youngest is in 8th, so we are only 5 years away. We are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and thinking about the next phase in our lives and have even asked ourselves if this is "it". After 29 years together, things do get a little boring sometimes, a little routine, and a little stifling. So, I guess having a little excitement coming at you from a coworker so blatantly might be fun for a while.

It's just so sad that people actually ruin their families and marriages over it. That's probably why this issue is making me a little crazy right now - because we are in the same "phase" as of life as DH's coworker and if it can happen to them, it can happen to us! I better tell DH to be careful of that woman lol, he might be next!

 

[kaytieeldr]

I’d say skank works for both parties.

Several reliable sources disagree:
https://www.thefreedictionary.com/skank
1. One who is filthy or foul.
2. One who is considered to be sexually promiscuous. Used especially of a woman.
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/skankan unpleasant person, especially a woman who has sex with a lot of different people
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/skank person and especially a woman of low or sleazy character
The closest words I could find that apply to the man are cheat, womanizer, skirt-chaser, adulterer, fornicator, heartbreaker, philanderer, two-timer, unfaithful spouse, ladies' man, Don Juan, or Casanova.
None are as derogatory, offensive, or insulting as the terms being used in this thread to describe the woman.

And I don’t care what his “lead” is. Presumably she is a grown woman with enough intelligence to know that she is treading on thin ice.

Presumably he is a grown man with enough intelligence to know that he is treading on thin ice.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Yes an emotional affair. It has been interesting reading different people's lines where it strayed into the emotional affair.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Also wanted to add:

Individuals who knowingly engage in flirtation with taken (and I say taken because you don't have to be married for this to be true) individuals are not to be excused, etc.

Individuals, who are taken, who engage in flirtation with other (and I say taken because you don't have to be married for this to be true) individuals are not to be excused, etc.

Regardless of the gender to me.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

I think of it like this...if every day my day was recorded & could be played back for my S/O, would I be fine with that? Yes I would.
If the thought of that makes you nervous, scared or anxious...you better knock off whatever you are doing on the side, make some big changes in your relationship or end things.

 

[leebee]

I think of it like this...if every day my day was recorded & could be played back for my S/O, would I be fine with that? Yes I would. If the thought of that makes you nervous, scared or anxious...you better knock off whatever you are doing on the side, make some big changes in your relationship or end things.

EXACTLY. If this guy is unhappy at home, his FIRST stop should be his wife. He needs to talk to her, explain how he is feeling about their relationship. How can things get better if she doesn't know things aren't good? She might even realize things aren't good but thinks she is doing the right thing... as in, perhaps he has a busy job, works long hours, works at home, and she thinks she's helping him by not being demanding of his time, by running the house and taking care of the kids to take the burden off him? These things have a way of snowballing, to the point of each spouse possibly living in their own, separate little bubble, but each thinking that this is the way the other wants it, when really NOBODY wants this kind of life. Maybe the wife is as unsatisfied with the relationship as the husband is.

This guy is definitely having an emotional affair with the coworker. If he's telling her things about his marriage that he really should be telling his wife (and ONLY his wife), he's emotionally involved with the coworker. He's sharing personal, private information and feelings with this coworker... how is that NOT an emotional attachment? GOOD for him, that he's stopped it... if he has, and we don't know that. But look at it this way: If he'd had a physical affair with the coworker and stopped it because he realized it wasn't good for his marriage and he wants to rebuild his marriage, would that mean the physical affair wasn't really an affair? Of course not... so why, if he's had this emotional entanglement but is pulling away, does this mean it wasn't really an emotional affair?

 

[ronandannette]

...It's just so sad that people actually ruin their families and marriages over it. That's probably why this issue is making me a little crazy right now - because we are in the same "phase" as of life as DH's coworker and if it can happen to them, it can happen to us! I better tell DH to be careful of that woman lol, he might be next!

All kidding aside and absolutely no disrespect intended - if your DH failed to recognize the scenario you presented as an emotional affair, I'd be concerned too. Considering all you've said, now seems like a great time to talk more about it, both specifically and in general. I know my DH and I have observed affairs and divorce amongst our peers; sadly pretty often. We treated it as an opportunity to take stock and see if there's anything we could do with and for one another; to make sure we're tuned-in and not letting complacency sneak up.

 

[Disney Doll]

You are almost 100% correct on all of the above. 40-something, married for about 15-20 years (they have an 18 year old that just graduated HS this year. We were invited to his grad party but were on vacation at the time). The wife works, and they have 2 more kids that are teens but I don't know how much the guy helps out with stuff.

The coworker is in her 30's, I know for sure because she has a facebook picture of her 30th birthday from about 5-6 years ago (yes, I am obsessed now and FB stalked her lol). I couldn't help it! I wanted to see what a woman who would make herself so available to a married man looks like and acts like.

She seems totally normal. I would have never thought she would be the "type". Just goes to show that you just never know.

And what it is about getting into your 40's that makes people do stuff like this! I completely understand having a connection with someone you work with. There was a person many years ago that I worked with and was starting to really enjoy being around. It's been at least 15 years since the last time I saw him and I still think about him occasionally and honestly even play the "what if" game in my head for a minute (as in....what if I wasn't married at the time!). I was married for about 5 years at that point and DS19 was about 3. He was divorced and they hadn't had kids. So even though there was very obvious chemistry and attraction there, I never, ever acted on it or crossed a line, and neither did he. But man, did it make going to work fun for a while lol

So I get that attractions happen. What I don't get is how people let it get "too far". And it seems to happen so often once people hit ~40. Do they just stop caring so much about their marriage? Are they just tired of everything by then and don't care anymore? Are they bored?

They’re getting old and feel the need to “prove” that they’re not by showing that they’ve still got it by being able to attract a younger person.

It’s called midlife crisis.

 

[Disney Doll]

Several reliable sources disagree:
https://www.thefreedictionary.com/skank
1. One who is filthy or foul.
2. One who is considered to be sexually promiscuous. Used especially of a woman.
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/skankan unpleasant person, especially a woman who has sex with a lot of different people
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/skank person and especially a woman of low or sleazy character
The closest words I could find that apply to the man are cheat, womanizer, skirt-chaser, adulterer, fornicator, heartbreaker, philanderer, two-timer, unfaithful spouse, ladies' man, Don Juan, or Casanova.
None are as derogatory, offensive, or insulting as the terms being used in this thread to describe the woman.

Presumably he is a grown man with enough intelligence to know that he is treading on thin ice.

Where I come from we use the word to describe women and men. You seem to be kind of fixated on words and definitions. I’m not giving either of them a pass. They’re both skanks.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think of it like this...if every day my day was recorded & could be played back for my S/O, would I be fine with that? Yes I would.
If the thought of that makes you nervous, scared or anxious...you better knock off whatever you are doing on the side, make some big changes in your relationship or end things.

Good advice.

 

[PollyannaMom]

If this guy is unhappy at home, his FIRST stop should be his wife. He needs to talk to her, explain how he is feeling about their relationship. How can things get better if she doesn't know things aren't good? She might even realize things aren't good but thinks she is doing the right thing... as in, perhaps he has a busy job, works long hours, works at home, and she thinks she's helping him by not being demanding of his time, by running the house and taking care of the kids to take the burden off him? These things have a way of snowballing, to the point of each spouse possibly living in their own, separate little bubble, but each thinking that this is the way the other wants it, when really NOBODY wants this kind of life. Maybe the wife is as unsatisfied with the relationship as the husband is.

I think this is really insightful. So many people forget (or don't know how, or feel somehow wrong) to ask for what they need.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Regardless of what you think of these situations could we PLEASE stop the woman bashing names? It’s gross people.

Why do people always bash the third party? If they're not in a marriage of their own or a relative or bestie or something they did nothing wrong. They didn't make any vows. They didn't make any promises. They aren't the ones that have to defend the marriage against all comers. They're just one of the all comers. It's the two that got married who are supposed to do that and if it doesn't happen, it's the fault of the one that cheated on his or her marriage.
I'm married, but before I was, I'd never go after someone already married or with a boy friend for practical reasons more than anything else. I figure if I could get anyone to cheat with me, they'd just as easily turn around and cheat on me too. I can honestly say I'd never go for anyone that would cheat with the likes of me!!! HAHA.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Yes an emotional affair. It has been interesting reading different people's lines where it strayed into the emotional affair.

And that's the problem with the term. It is an ill defined vague term of garbage pop psychology where nobody truly knows where the line is and everyone has a different line. About the only purpose it really serves is to serve up an extra large heaping helping of paranoia and guilt into our relationships. Well that and to make therapists more money. The real world isn't like the vague, ideal world of girlie magazines. Is he having an emotional affair usually appears in the same magazines with articles such as 10 tips to drive him wild in bed. Then when someone decides to try one and he's like what the heck are you doing, I'm trying to sleep!!!??? Cue price is right lose horn. In the case of the OP we have a situation where someone was headed for an affair but decided not to.

 

[DisKaren]

Why do people always bash the third party? If they're not in a marriage of their own or a relative or bestie or something they did nothing wrong.

Are you serious? If an individual knows that someone is married, he/she should not get involved, period. There is a difference between having a relationship with a married person and an unmarried one. The married person is 100% responsible for his/her own actions, and the other woman/man is responsible for hers/his. If you make it all the way to adulthood not realizing it's wrong to date/sleep with/hit on, etc. married people, then something went haywire along the way.

 

[ronandannette]

I think this is really insightful. So many people forget (or don't know how, or feel somehow wrong) to ask for what they need.

Yeah, but they find it pretty easy to resent their partner for not reading their minds.

 

[mummabear]

And that's the problem with the term. It is an ill defined vague term of garbage pop psychology where nobody truly knows where the line is and everyone has a different line. About the only purpose it really serves is to serve up an extra large heaping helping of paranoia and guilt into our relationships. Well that and to make therapists more money. The real world isn't like the vague, ideal world of girlie magazines. Is he having an emotional affair usually appears in the same magazines with articles such as 10 tips to drive him wild in bed. Then when someone decides to try one and he's like what the heck are you doing, I'm trying to sleep!!!??? Cue price is right lose horn. In the case of the OP we have a situation where someone was headed for an affair but decided not to.

I think the easiest line in a relationship is "Would you be happy with your partner seeing this" if the answer is no then what you are doing crosses the line.
Basically if you have to lie, hide or sneak something then what are you doing is wrong (this applies to drugs, drinking, gambling, relationships, even eating habits)

There’s a lot of non DIS appropriate words to call him.

I’d say skank works for both parties.

And I don’t care what his “lead” is. Presumably she is a grown woman with enough intelligence to know that she is treading on thin ice.

I was in my mid 20s when I found myself being “flirted with” by a male colleague. He was newer to my organization and didn’t work in my same department so I didn’t know too much about him. After a week or so of the flirtation he asked me out. I said yes. A couple of days later I ended up in another department on an errand and met his fiancée. Imagine my surprise! Imagine his surprise when he wandered into her department and saw us talking.

I broke the date. Cut off contact other than what was required for work. Told her. She still married him. But my hands were clean because once I knew the situation I stepped away. Yes I “sacrificed my own happiness” (because until I found out he was a skank I thought he was a really nice guy) by walking away but I could look at myself in the mirror and not be ashamed of who I saw looking back.

I have never in my life heard a boy called a skank, most derogatory terms are aimed at the women end of story.

That is great that you broke it off, you went on one date after a week, I doubt t you are as emotionally invested as this coworker that had been building a relationship 5 years, to say you sacrificed happiness after a date (actually did you even have one or just agree to one) is laughable.

And there is a lot of assumptions that she has chased him, it is just as possible the feelings have snuck up on both of them.

 

[Sabeking]

Right! DH said that people started suspecting there was more to it when the guy started to avoid work situations that included this woman. Client events, meetings....the guy even started dumping some of his accounts over to DH - which all just happened to be accounts the coworker was also involved with. It was so obvious. That's actually how DH got involved; he asked the guy why he wanted to trade the accounts, and the guy just pretty much confessed everything.

I am amazed at how selfish people are. Not only is his home life impacted but his emotional infidelity is affecting his day to day business actions.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Are you serious? If an individual knows that someone is married, he/she should not get involved, period. There is a difference between having a relationship with a married person and an unmarried one. The married person is 100% responsible for his/her own actions, and the other woman/man is responsible for hers/his. If you make it all the way to adulthood not realizing it's wrong to date/sleep with/hit on, etc. married people, then something went haywire along the way.

Quite serious. Marriage is a vow between two people. Only those two people made that vow. Only those two can break it. And only those two can defend it. If it is broken, go after the one that broke it. There is no need or call for posters to be calling the other woman things like tramp or some of the other words used in this thread. None. Personally, I think women that try to beat up the other women on Springer are stupid. Go after the cheating bum instead. Better yet don't go on Springer and just dump the bum. Unless the other woman is your sister or other relative or best friend or something, she has no obligation to you. As for my character I'm happily married shorter than some but much longer than most and neither of us have ever cheated. In fact, before I was married, I never cheated on a GF, nor have I ever had relations with someone already married. So much for that.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I think the easiest line in a relationship is "Would you be happy with your partner seeing this" if the answer is no then what you are doing crosses the line.
Basically if you have to lie, hide or sneak something then what are you doing is wrong (this applies to drugs, drinking, gambling, relationships, even eating habits)

I have never in my life heard a boy called a skank, most derogatory terms are aimed at the women end of story.

That is great that you broke it off, you went on one date after a week, I doubt t you are as emotionally invested as this coworker that had been building a relationship 5 years, to say you sacrificed happiness after a date (actually did you even have one or just agree to one) is laughable.

And there is a lot of assumptions that she has chased him, it is just as possible the feelings have snuck up on both of them.

I do like you're idea and it's a good starting guideline. But that still isn't a definite line.
So what if the cheater doesn't care if their partner sees it or knows about it? Would that make it ok? I would say no.
What if someone doesn't want their partner seeing them pick their nose or wipe their bottom? Does that make that cheating? I would say no.
Therefore by counter example, your standard doesn't quite solve the problem of the vague standard.
Another example that is not so concrete: Is going to the exotic dance bar an "emotional affair" I think people would be divided about that one too. My spouse and I choose not to go to such.
With marriage, we know sex, kissing, and dating others are crossing the line barring an "open" marriage or one of convenience. But those aren't the subject of the thread. Beyond that, in this thread alone, we have seen several different lines from several different individuals. And that is the problem with the term.
Vogue can't determine if your mate is having an emotional affair. The parameters of what is or is not allowed are things to work out with one's spouse before hand.

 

[disykat]

Several reliable sources disagree:
https://www.thefreedictionary.com/skank
1. One who is filthy or foul.
2. One who is considered to be sexually promiscuous. Used especially of a woman.
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/skankan unpleasant person, especially a woman who has sex with a lot of different people
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/skankperson and especially a woman of low or sleazy character
The closest words I could find that apply to the man are cheat, womanizer, skirt-chaser, adulterer, fornicator, heartbreaker, philanderer, two-timer, unfaithful spouse, ladies' man, Don Juan, or Casanova.
None are as derogatory, offensive, or insulting as the terms being used in this thread to describe the woman.

Presumably he is a grown man with enough intelligence to know that he is treading on thin ice.

The only term people have used that is considered specifically female us Jezebel.

Quite serious. Marriage is a vow between two people. Only those two people made that vow. Only those two can break it. And only those two can defend it. If it is broken, go after the one that broke it. There is no need or call for posters to be calling the other woman things like tramp or some of the other words used in this thread. None. Personally, I think women that try to beat up the other women on Springer are stupid. Go after the cheating bum instead. Better yet don't go on Springer and just dump the bum. Unless the other woman is your sister or other relative or best friend or something, she has no obligation to you. As for my character I'm happily married shorter than some but much longer than most and neither of us have ever cheated. In fact, before I was married, I never cheated on a GF, nor have I ever had relations with someone already married. So much for that.

Person after person have said it doesn't matter your gender, nor does it excuse the married person who is absolutely 100% responsible for his/her behavior. That still doesn't make it okay for a single person to knowingly try to date a married person. Whether they are considered an infidel or a jezebel, it's still going to cause people to question their character. Whether you're cheating on a person, or cheating on the institution of marriage, it's still called cheating.

That said, if you fit this and are feeling sensitive, there's not a one of us who hasn't pushed moral boundaries sometime. Its not about judging any one person's character or we'd ALL be in big trouble, it's about drawing a line about what constitutes moral behavior. I know people who have started a relationship with a married person and I still love them. It doesn't make that behavior any less wrong.