What would you consider an Emotional Affair?

[Tess]

My ex made the choice to continue to see the co-worker even after he said he would stop. That sealed the deal for me.

My ex also tried to place the blame on me - I was not paying attention to him, life was boring - she was exciting, whatever.

Anyway, yes it is at least an emotional affair.

ETA: My husband even went to counseling with me and tried to blame me for the marital woes and did not even mention the co-worker.

The question was asked upthread at what point the marriage was over. . .bolded is the answer.

Substitute "friend" for "co-worker" and this was our daughter's situation two years ago. . .the wife of a couple with whom they socialized and her then husband were carrying on an all but (and frankly she believes it was physical as well although he denied it) physical affair behind their spouses' backs. Sexting, commiserating over never having loved their spouses, nothing in common, never happy, yadayadyada. Our daughter was with her now ex for 6 year and married for 2--bimbo and husband married 5 and together for 5 prior.

Now ex agreed to counseling, went once a week for a month and agreed to never see or speak with bimbo again. Guess what--he continued, was found out and blamed our daughter for continuing the contact. He was going to counseling so she would understand what she did wrong and would move on--total head.

Daughter booted her now ex while the bimbo's spouse (at last word) was working out the problems with bimbo. Yeah, she didn't leave him for the now ex. . .in fact, he is not her first conquest and probably not her last, at least according to other friends who were well aware of her proclivities. So yeah, when the individual agrees to stop but doesn't--that is the end.

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

This happened to me years ago. Except the co-worker was married as well. However, the co-worker seems to have already been contemplating divorce when things heated up with my then husband. I too have an idea that more has happened between these two than anyone else really knows. By the time the situation escalates to the point where either person is discussing it out loud, the train has left the station, IMO.

My ex made the choice to continue to see the co-worker even after he said he would stop. That sealed the deal for me.

My ex also tried to place the blame on me - I was not paying attention to him, life was boring - she was exciting, whatever.

Anyway, yes it is at least an emotional affair.

ETA: My husband even went to counseling with me and tried to blame me for the marital woes and did not even mention the co-worker.

The coworker was married in my situation as well. Your story is mine exactly. Our two children, who have a genetic disorder that effects their health, were taking up too much of my time. That was his excuse. I've been trying to get divorced for nearly three years, and he's fought me every step of the way, while living with the girl. Who is the same age as our oldest child, by the way.

 

[amberpi]

Regardless of what you think of these situations could we PLEASE stop the woman bashing names? It’s gross people.

 

[bigbabyblues]

What else would you call a woman who knowingly goes after a married man? My word for it would be much more un-pc than "jezebel".

I'd call her a piece of trash. I have zero tolerance for people who cheat, married or not. They are both equally at fault.

If the "husband" truly wants to make things work with his wife, he needs to do whatever he has to to cut off any and all contact with the co-worker who doesn't know better than to go after a married man, even if it means finding a new job.

 

[Searc]

Regardless of what you think of these situations could we PLEASE stop the woman bashing names? It’s gross people.

Nope. You chase a married man, you deserve contempt.

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

Nope. You chase a married man, you deserve contempt.

I was surprised how accepting many people are of cheating and cheaters. Many people I thought were friends have embraced the affair partner, as has his entire family. It's boggles my mind. I've heard things like "it takes two people to ruin a marriage", "You don't know what goes on between two people", "you must have let yourself go", "I guess he wasn't happy", etc.

 

[Searc]

I was surprised how accepting many people are of cheating and cheaters. Many people I thought were friends have embraced the affair partner, as has his entire family. It's boggles my mind. I've heard things like "it takes two people to ruin a marriage", "You don't know what goes on between two people", "you must have let yourself go", "I guess he wasn't happy", etc.

Disgusting. I hope you dumped all of them. Some are accepting of cheaters because they have questionable morals themselves.

 

[PlainJane]

Yes, it most definitely is. What does your husband think needs to have happened to fit the definition?

Regardless of what you think of these situations could we PLEASE stop the woman bashing names? It’s gross people.

I have no idea the extent of the names used because I’ve glossed over this thread. I think they’ve both done something terrible. I do think what he did was worse considering he made a promise to his wife and possibly even to God when he got married. The co-worker made no such promise, but it’s still reprehensible. I don’t think either deserve protection from name calling, though I generally shy away from that kind of speech myself. I’m sure anything that was allowed to be said on a Disney message board wasn’t going too far.

I don’t have any pity for someone who thinks a man or woman is going to leave their wife or husband and often children for them. How self-absorbed and selfish of them to think that.

I know a marriage that ended this way. It was shocking. No one would have ever guessed.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Disgusting. I hope you dumped all of them. Some are accepting of cheaters because they have questionable morals themselves.

Are they so accepting of cheaters, or do they just feel like they have no choice if they still want a relationship with their family member?

My stepfather cheated on my mother in a horrible way, and she ended up taking him back. It took many years, but I have resigned myself to the fact that if I want to see her, I have to see him, too. And frankly, if my child was to cheat on his/her spouse, I wouldn't be happy about their choices, but I wouldn't disown them or their new partner, either. I probably WOULD try to guide them toward making better decisions, AND make them aware that someone who is willing to cheat in the first place will probably be OK with cheating again in the future...but I don't think I would be outright mean to anyone.

And for the record, I don't think I have questionable morals lol

 

[mummabear]

What else would you call a woman who knowingly goes after a married man? My word for it would be much more un-pc than "jezebel".

Nope. You chase a married man, you deserve contempt.

Listen, I hate cheaters, I have never cheated in my life, and if DH did was like this dude he would be kicked to the curb.
I am surprised that I am 'defending" this women, but I think it is some sexist BS.
What is the word you are using for the married man? What is the word you would use for the man if it was the women who was married and he was presenting himself as an option-is it still Jezebel?

I think we all owe each something, I wouldn't be interested in the kind of guy who would cheat. But I do see the argument that she made no promise to this women, he did.
Now what I think of her, really depends on actions we dont know, if she is following his lead, there is no physical cheating/no sexting etc and is only intrested if he leaves his wife, well fine isnt the word but I dont think she is doing anything wrong.
If she has crossed the line into sexting etc then she has.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Yes, it most definitely is. What does your husband think needs to have happened to fit the definition?

I know a marriage that ended this way. It was shocking. No one would have ever guessed.

He thinks that because his friend stopped the progression of the “friendship” (affair, in my eyes!) and decided to work on his marriage, it was more of an awakening to the problems in their marriage than an emotionally invested situation between coworkers.

I think that is crap, to be honest. The poor wife was pretty much blindsided in my opinion, while the husband knew all along what he was doing as a “friend”. I highly doubt he will ever tell her the true extent of his feelings (would anyone?).

DH said that even though the husband has taken steps to distance himself, he still works closely with her and has told her that he is committed to his marriage but will never stop being her friend. How does that work!

 

[Searc]

Listen, I hate cheaters, I have never cheated in my life, and if DH did was like this dude he would be kicked to the curb.
I am surprised that I am 'defending" this women, but I think it is some sexist BS.
What is the word you are using for the married man? What is the word you would use for the man if it was the women who was married and he was presenting himself as an option-is it still Jezebel?

I think we all owe each something, I wouldn't be interested in the kind of guy who would cheat. But I do see the argument that she made no promise to this women, he did.
Now what I think of her, really depends on actions we dont know, if she is following his lead, there is no physical cheating/no sexting etc and is only intrested if he leaves his wife, well fine isnt the word but I dont think she is doing anything wrong.
If she has crossed the line into sexting etc then she has.

My word for a man that cheats is not Dis-appropriate, either.

 

[PlainJane]

He thinks that because his friend stopped the progression of the “friendship” (affair, in my eyes!) and decided to work on his marriage, it was more of an awakening to the problems in their marriage than an emotionally invested situation between coworkers.

I think that is crap, to be honest. The poor wife was pretty much blindsided in my opinion, while the husband knew all along what he was doing as a “friend”. I highly doubt he will ever tell her the true extent of his feelings (would anyone?).

DH said that even though the husband has taken steps to distance himself, he still works closely with her and has told her that he is committed to his marriage but will never stop being her friend. How does that work!

It’s hard to know if it’s more hurtful to give details or not, but I do think she’s owed a summary of what he’s done, and the truth to anything she decides to ask. But, it does seem like that isn’t going to happen. How very sad.

Ugh, I owe no one friendship, but I do owe my husband my fidelity.

 

[morgan98]

He thinks that because his friend stopped the progression of the “friendship” (affair, in my eyes!) and decided to work on his marriage, it was more of an awakening to the problems in their marriage than an emotionally invested situation between coworkers.

I think that is crap, to be honest. The poor wife was pretty much blindsided in my opinion, while the husband knew all along what he was doing as a “friend”. I highly doubt he will ever tell her the true extent of his feelings (would anyone?).

DH said that even though the husband has taken steps to distance himself, he still works closely with her and has told her that he is committed to his marriage but will never stop being her friend. How does that work!

Well, again from my perspective, perhaps the husband has not really ceased contact. Lots of things could be going on. Maybe people were getting suspicious, so he is announcing this "cooling off" period - and the fact he will never stop being her friend?

I am not buying his story, quite frankly.

In my case with my ex-husband, everything was fine. Like really, I thought we were meant to be. I can basically tell you to the day when he became invested in the other woman and things changed. Literally, like a switch was flipped. He became a totally different person towards me. People were shocked.

Once an affair starts, the people involved become excellent at lying and deception.

 

[Disney Ron]

The question was asked upthread at what point the marriage was over. . .bolded is the answer.

Substitute "friend" for "co-worker" and this was our daughter's situation two years ago. . .the wife of a couple with whom they socialized and her then husband were carrying on an all but (and frankly she believes it was physical as well although he denied it) physical affair behind their spouses' backs. Sexting, commiserating over never having loved their spouses, nothing in common, never happy, yadayadyada. Our daughter was with her now ex for 6 year and married for 2--bimbo and husband married 5 and together for 5 prior.

Now ex agreed to counseling, went once a week for a month and agreed to never see or speak with bimbo again. Guess what--he continued, was found out and blamed our daughter for continuing the contact. He was going to counseling so she would understand what she did wrong and would move on--total head.

Daughter booted her now ex while the bimbo's spouse (at last word) was working out the problems with bimbo. Yeah, she didn't leave him for the now ex. . .in fact, he is not her first conquest and probably not her last, at least according to other friends who were well aware of her proclivities. So yeah, when the individual agrees to stop but doesn't--that is the end.

I'm giving your daughter a standing ovation.

 

[EMom]

Regardless of what you think of these situations could we PLEASE stop the woman bashing names? It’s gross people.

If anything is gross, it’s making yourself available to a married coworker. You do that, and you deserve whatever bashing comes your way. You earned it. Same goes for the husband.

 

[amberpi]

If anything is gross, it’s making yourself available to a married coworker. You do that, and you deserve whatever bashing comes your way. You earned it. Same goes for the husband.

Do I agree with any part of the described situation? Lord no. But it's certainly interesting that only the woman is getting called ugly names. And I do find that practice gross. I have plenty of ugly names I can think for some self righteous people and people who are genuinely ugly but I keep it to myself.

 

[amberpi]

Nope. You chase a married man, you deserve contempt.

The thing is, we don't know that she chased him.It doesn't sound like that's even what his friend said, just that she said she was available if he divorced. I've seen too many married men chase women and those women get lambasted than I would like (really, one is one too many). I've literally never seen a women go after a married man who didn't make a play for her first.

I don't want any of you to think I'm defending one single bit of this whole BS situation, but I hate that the woman is always the one who gets attacked.

Also, don't get me started on my time dating online. I left so many dates, or said "I think you should go" when a guy would start saying that he was "technically" still married. Why are you on Bumble if you're married? It's kinda binary for me. You are or are not married. Let's be honest, those a-holes were looking for a side piece. I have dated a ton, like 100 people worth because its fun (even those "married dudes" dates were funny and interesting in their own way) and I have a temperament for it. I have single girlfriends who would totally fall for it. I concerned right this minute that it's happening to a friend. The guy she's seeing is too erratic /shady and I'm positive he's married. Another friend and I gently suggested it, and she shut us down. Is she a jezebel? A harlot? A bimbo? We just don't know if the guy in the OP's situation isn't actually telling his co-worker that he's getting divorced or who knows what. I'm glad the man saw the light, but I don't think it'll last. Again, the door's been opened; he'll walk through it eventually with her or someone else. I just don't see many or any women looking for married men. Why would you want to be the side chick when you can find someone single unless you are lead to believe that person will become available?

Just some thoughts. People who cheat suck and those that go along suck, but it's more nuanced than a woman looking for a married man because why would you? Especially now when you can swipe until you find prince charming? I did. My thumbs hurt for a while, but it worked out.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Sorry if I missed something, but I couldn't discern whether the friend and co-worker are just attracted to each other and flirty at work, or whether they actually communicate outside of work and he confides in her...

At this point it sounds like the friend has made the decision to stay with wife, rekindle what they had and avoid co-worker so I don't consider it an emotional affair. I think it could have become one and sounds like it probably would have led to a physical one. I kind of side with your dh, it sounds like friend is seeking attention that he isn't getting from his wife and was drawn to this co-worker, but realizes it's not right.
Now it is up to him whether this goes farther, any intimate contact (and I don't mean physical) between he and this coworker from here on out would definitely be an affair.

I agree. I think it came *this close* to being an affair, and he realized it and backed off. If he goes to counseling and fixes things with his wife, then I consider it a "near miss". If he stays in personal contact with the woman outside of work, it crosses the line to an emotional affair.

The coworker sound like a real piece of trash...assuming she is aware that the friend is married.

And the friend isn't a whole lot better, though he gets a little bit of a break for trying to put the brakes on before things get worse.

I agree that both of them are at fault. - You don't cheat on your spouse, and you don't "help" anyone else cheat on theirs.

 

[Tess]

I'm giving your daughter a standing ovation.

Thanks. It was a very tough few months--she (and we) were totally blindsided. It was only days after she began to suspect that she found proof and it ended within a month thereafter. I still can't believe the schmuck went to counseling, wasted her time, broke her heart even more and then told her he only went so she could realize what she did wrong. I loved this kid like a son and treated him as one--never thought he could do this to her. . .you just never know. Over a year has passed and she is over it and him! He got his wish--she ended it and moved on.