What would you consider an Emotional Affair?

[Lilacs4Me]

At this point it sounds like the friend has made the decision to stay with wife, rekindle what they had and avoid co-worker so I don't consider it an emotional affair. I think it could have become one and sounds like it probably would have led to a physical one. I kind of side with your dh, it sounds like friend is seeking attention that he isn't getting from his wife and was drawn to this co-worker, but realizes it's not right.
Now it is up to him whether this goes farther, any intimate contact (and I don't mean physical) between he and this coworker from here on out would definitely be an affair.

That was DH's exact argument - because the guy realized where it could lead and took steps to back away, it's not an emotional affair.

I said it became an emotional affair once the friends dissatisfaction and anger was being directed at the wife who apparently at first didn't know about the coworker and/or when it started affecting his work.

 

[Hikergirl]

That was DH's exact argument - because the guy realized where it could lead and took steps to back away, it's not an emotional affair.

I said it became an emotional affair once the friends dissatisfaction and anger was being directed at the wife who apparently at first didn't know about the coworker and/or when it started affecting his work.

It is a fine line I think, and if the friend was continuing his relationship with co-worker even after claiming he wants to make things work with his wife I would think differently. At this point, I see it more as an awakening.
But really all that matters is what his wife would think about it, not sure if he told her or plans to tell her everything, but if he really wants to make thing work he should be honest with her.

 

[tvguy]

Well, my initial reaction was "hot mess"
But looking at the definition of "affair" even flirtation fits the definition .

 

[Lilacs4Me]

The bolded is interesting. He's putting a lot on his wife that really, he is responsible for. Of course it's a two way street (and we don't know the details) but what if she's caring for a special needs or physically disabled child or family member, or works a demanding job to help support their lifestyle and family, or has medical issues herself, or any number of things. This is the part that falls under "in good times and bad times, in sickness and health". There are things that can be done to help achieve their wanting more time together IF they both want more time together. But it can be difficult to find a compromise amidst the anger and resentment that can build when a relationship starts to break down. I do give him credit for trying to control himself, especially when this not so nice woman has made herself so available knowing full well he has a partner and family.

I thought the same thing. I have met the couple a few times at the annual functions/etc, and I know she works full time but don't know much else about her. They do have kids, no special needs. They seem to be good parents based on their FB posts - lots of family pictures and things from vacations/sports/etc with the kids. But even "just" being a mom and working full time is hard - I know because I do it with a demanding job where I work more than 50 hours a week on average. There are times I just want to hide and not talk to anyone or deal with anything when I get home! lol DH hates my job, but he also understands why I am tired sometimes and need some time to get a grip.

But to further the discussion on this, I agree with you that it seems like the guy expects his wife to be the driver of what happens with him and the coworker. I said to DH - is he even telling her everything? If she doesn't know the whole story, it's hardly fair to put ANY of the responsibility on her. If he tells her everything and is honest about where he stands and how he feels about the coworker, only THEN can the wife decide how to deal with it. JMO

I have no idea what I would do...I wonder what point it would have to get to to finally say a marriage is over because one of the spouses is emotionally invested in someone else

 

[Miffy]

That was DH's exact argument - because the guy realized where it could lead and took steps to back away, it's not an emotional affair.

I said it became an emotional affair once the friends dissatisfaction and anger was being directed at the wife who apparently at first didn't know about the coworker and/or when it started affecting his work.

Yes. I agree with this. Also, it seems the coworker is putting all the responsibility on his wife--it's her fault that he was interested in someone else and it's up to her to fix the amount of attention she's giving him so that he won't be interested in someone else. Doesn't he exist in his relationship with his wife? Doesn't he take responsibility for his own actions?

And he can try to remove himself from this situation but as long as this coworker exists in the same environment he's in, the problem isn't going to go away.

As far as this being an awakening? The description doesn't sound like it's that. Unless he's awakening to the fact that he doesn't really want to be with his wife and would prefer to be with someone else. In that sense, it might very well be an awakening. The kind that precedes a breakup. That might sound harsh, but it's just my take on it based on seeing a lot of things like this happen to others.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I feel sorry for the wife. Even if she is the most disgusting shrew ever known, her husband should be open and honest with her. A marriage deserves that at least. How would he feel if the tables were turned?

Me too. I met her before and she doesn't seem like a disgusting shrew lol She was nice, but of course nobody knows what really is happening behind closed doors.

I know if it were me or DH, we would both not be happy campers!

 

[Disney Ron]

Look let's cut the crap!!! This situation has nothing to do with the friends wife. This supposed "man" is just wanting another piece of tail. Plain and simple. Of course, like everything in today's society, he doesn't want to accept he wants to do something that's wrong so let's put the blame on his wife for the reason he obviously wants to sleep with another woman.

I went through something like this 15 years ago with my ex wife. She wanted to have an affair so she told anyone who would listen that I was a horrible man and husband and therefore that was the reason she was fooling around. Of course her coworkers believed her, because they didn't know me, but those who knew both of us knew better. She just wanted to come up with excuses for why she was doing this, because she didn't want to come off as the "bad guy" in the situation.

Fast forward to today and I'm now remarried to my best friend and everyone I know tells me how much better off I am.

But I digress.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Look let's cut the crap!!! This situation has nothing to do with the friends wife. This supposed "man" is just wanting another piece of tail. Plain and simple. Of course, like everything in today's society, he doesn't want to accept he wants to do something that's wrong so let's put the blame on his wife for the reason he obviously wants to sleep with another woman.

I went through something like this 15 years ago with my ex wife. She wanted to have an affair so she told anyone who would listen that I was a horrible man and husband and therefore that was the reason she was fooling around. Of course her coworkers believed her, because they didn't know me, but those who knew both of us knew better. She just wanted to come up with excuses for why she was doing this, because she didn't want to come off as the "bad guy" in the situation.

Fast forward to today and I'm now remarried to my best friend and everyone I know tells me how much better off I am.

But I digress.

lol wow, that was a little harsh

I'm sorry that happened to you, but happy for you that you have found your love.

That being said, I do agree with the sentiment that the guy let things get way too far with the coworker because he was/is unhappy and blaming it on his wife is very convenient. Definitely the easy way out, IMO

 

[Jennasis]

The coworker sound like a real piece of trash...assuming she is aware that the friend is married.

And the friend isn't a whole lot better, though he gets a little bit of a break for trying to put the brakes on before things get worse.

 

[Disney Ron]

lol wow, that was a little harsh

I'm sorry that happened to you, but happy for you that you have found your love.

That being said, I do agree with the sentiment that the guy let things get way too far with the coworker because he was/is unhappy and blaming it on his wife is very convenient. Definitely the easy way out, IMO

It's not harsh. It's the truth! It comes down to the friend not being man enough to admit he wants the coworker, so he wants to blame his desire on his wife's lack of attention. I've seen this situation multiple times in my life with relatives, coworkers and friends who have gone through it. And naturally the reason for wanting someone else was always the spouse's fault. What a crock!!!

BTW Lilac, I wasn't telling you to "cut the crap" it was just a general statement about the situation. Just don't want you to take it personally.

 

[Disney Ron]

The coworker sound like a real piece of trash...assuming she is aware that the friend is married.

And the friend isn't a whole lot better, though he gets a little bit of a break for trying to put the brakes on before things get worse.

The friend gets no break from me. Time for him to act like a man and stop blaming everything on the wife.

 

[Lori74]

if you're saying or doing something you don't want your spouse to see or hear, it's wrong. plain and simple. doesn't need a label.

 

[amberpi]

if you're saying or doing something you don't want your spouse to see or hear, it's wrong. plain and simple. doesn't need a label.

I wouldn't want DH to hear what I say to best girlfriend after we've had a fight...pretty sure I'm in no kind of affair with her.

 

[Lori74]

I wouldn't want DH to hear what I say to best girlfriend after we've had a fight...pretty sure I'm in no kind of affair with her.

ya probably not

 

[verleniahall]

100% an emotional affair - i feel for the wife

 

[fla4fun]

I wouldn't want DH to hear what I say to best girlfriend after we've had a fight...pretty sure I'm in no kind of affair with her.

But the question is, are you saying things that you would never ever share with your DH? I understand venting to a friend in the heat of anger about an issue, but when the situation cools a bit, do you and DH talk about the issues and work through them? That is where the difference comes in. It sounds like the person in the OP has no intention of talking about the problems in the relationship with their wife, and that’s the one person they should talk with the most.

I think the husband or the other woman will need to find new employment if the marriage is to be saved, but based on the info given, it’s going to take a lot of work on the part of the husband and it may already be too late if he’s putting all the blame for his behavior on the wife.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Yes, and he needs to ignore this jezebel immediately!

"Yes, and he needs to ignore this jezebel co-worker immediately!"

Fixed it for you. Our language is sorely lacking in certain words, notably an equally reprehinsible, insulting, and offensive term for the OP's friend. The female co-worker is not in this situation alone; the male is so far from blameless I can't even.

 

[amberpi]

But the question is, are you saying things that you would never ever share with your DH? I understand venting to a friend in the heat of anger about an issue, but when the situation cools a bit, do you and DH talk about the issues and work through them? That is where the difference comes in. It sounds like the person in the OP has no intention of talking about the problems in the relationship with their wife, and that’s the one person they should talk with the most.

I think the husband or the other woman will need to find new employment if the marriage is to be saved, but based on the info given, it’s going to take a lot of work on the part of the husband and it may already be too late if he’s putting all the blame for his behavior on the wife.

I was just making a joke. Although he does some things that are weird and annoying (everyone does) and my friend and I have gotten to the point where we laugh about it. I promise I give him hell about it to his face - often

The couple in question? TBH, sounds like he's out. They might get it back together for a bit, but once you start thinking that door is open, it's hard to keep it shut, ya know?

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I wouldn't want DH to hear what I say to best girlfriend after we've had a fight...pretty sure I'm in no kind of affair with her.

I vent to my sister all the time and would never want DH to hear me lol, and she and I are not having an affair! But I think the thing that matters more than that with DH's coworkers is that it is two people of the opposite sex, who have admitted feelings for each other. I love my sister, but not like that

 

[Lilacs4Me]

It's not harsh. It's the truth! It comes down to the friend not being man enough to admit he wants the coworker, so he wants to blame his desire on his wife's lack of attention. I've seen this situation multiple times in my life with relatives, coworkers and friends who have gone through it. And naturally the reason for wanting someone else was always the spouse's fault. What a crock!!!

BTW Lilac, I wasn't telling you to "cut the crap" it was just a general statement about the situation. Just don't want you to take it personally.

LOL I know. I didn't take it like that at all! I agree with you.