I Feel As If My World Has Collapsed

[Kathryn Merteuil]

After 2 years you should in a honeymoon phase. How long has he been cheating?
I don’t usually say cut & run but cut & run.

If he cheats this early in a marriage, he’ll keep doing it. He sounds like a serial cheater.

I do not know how long this has been going on, or if it has happened before. I guess I say I had no idea, but seeing that mysterious name on the caller ID kinda and his reaction kind of shook me. I ended up brushing it off though. I cannot be sure that he hasn't been doing this kind of thing all along and I just never realized it.

I feel different today than yesterday. I feel more angry than anything today. The thing is, I do not want to hate him. I spent like 16 years married to somebody that I could not stand. The last couple years of that I was working on an exit an getting my ducks in a row. It is not a good feeling to be in a marriage where you do not trust your partner. (last time I trusted him, I just didn't like him). It feels so different, but the feeling is kind of the same. It's like feeling all alone and thinking about survival instead of enjoying your time with somebody. It is such a familiar feeling and I do not like it.

 

[nkereina]

I didn’t read all the replies, but I went through a similar scenario myself several years ago with a former partner. The only things I can definitively say for anyone in this position are do NOT contact the other woman - focus on your own house and don’t bring additional drama onto yourself, do NOT make any decisions about the future of your relationship at this point - you’re still in shock and too emotional so it’s never a good idea to decide how to move forward until the dust settles and you see how you’re leaning. It’s also important to see how his actions are over the next few months - did he cut all ties with the woman? Is he truly sorry and changing his demeanor and actions? And lastly, it will take time. Its cliche, but time heals all wounds. Eventually the sting will be gone and it will be just a fact of something that’s happened in your life. Something you can talk about without it burning. Something that you’ve grown from.

I remember feeling how you’re likely feeling now. I will warn you’ll go through every emotion under the sun, and when you think you’re on the up and up months from now, you’ll have a setback. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions, and as frustrating as it is, time is the only thing that helps. A therapist told me it takes a solid year to feel “normal” again for couples that decide to work through it. Best wishes to you.

 

[penn19]

Okay, you can tell me to go to heck after this post (or not) and I *may* be confusing you with another poster. My memory on social media isn't great.

Easier said than done but, I'd be done with him now. I could be wrong but a married person sending inappropriate photos (sexting) honestly says to me that more is going on here.

I don't think you and he are all that young (40s, right?) and this isn't a youthful poor judgment thing.

I also vaguely have a sense about others not overly approving of him and wasn't your marriage sort of fast?

Again, I apologize if I've confused you with another poster--that may very well be the case. But if not and these points are correct, there would be too many flags for me.

Yes! I was thinking the same thing. Like things were serious very fast and I think people on here said not to marry him.
But here we are. I think you know when things are wrong. Sometimes it’s easier to ignore the warning signs. No one here can tell you what’s right to do but if you were my friend I’d probably tell you it won’t get better.

 

[mousefan73]

The strange thing is, we have never really fought before. In the years we have been together, never once has either of us even raised our voice to the other. I thought everything was great, I was blindsided by this.

Honey that's how it always is.. I have seen girlfriends go through this and "she" is alway last to know.. I can just say hugs to you. You and your husband need to figure things out.

There are many forms of cheating.. He committed one of them.

 

[mousefan73]

Well we have only been married for 2 years. We do not have any joint accounts. We never "merged" that stuff. The only kids involved are his, I am just stepmom and they are older. We owe so much on the house that if it is sold neither one of us would probably get much of anything extra to pocket. We have only had the house for 3 years so we don't have much equity. I do not think either one of us could afford to keep the house ourselves, it would have to be sold. We each have our own jobs and own insurance. I could afford to live on my own in an apartment. I guess I would survive on my own. I would be right back where I was before I met him.

Well to be postive - you are then in the best financial and family situation to be in. Be thankful for that. Imagine being a SAH with small kids... you might be right back to where you "started" but that might actually be the right place for you.

 

[greg9x]

Reading what you and others here have said about prior marriage and how this one came about, seems you need to take a hard look in the mirror and figure out why you are making bad decisions. Not saying that to be mean, it is something I had to do for myself a while back. You are trying to make things work because it fits in to your fantasy of having a 'soul mate', but you probably ignored warning signs at the start of relationship...especially if others had reservations about this guy. And if it is a pattern of choices you make, you need to break that pattern. Not saying his cheating is your fault...but it is usually happens when people thrive on the thrills and drama of intense 'throw caution to the wind' relationships... one or the other keeps craving the drama and thrill when the initial relationship settles down.

Sometimes a person will realize they made a mistake and change...but usually the desire to keep doing what they were is there and will happen in one form or another eventually. Even if he cares somewhat for you, probably trying to have the best of both worlds and doesn't really want to be exclusive with anyone.

Seems you can get out of the situation fairly easily, and that may be the best option before it gets more messy down the road. Then change yourself to avoid making the same mistake again.

And as someone else said...don't blame, confront, or focus anger on the other woman, she's not the one who made the vows to you.

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

I think it is okay to feel angry and kind of want to hate somebody that hurts you! That is okay and to be expected. Don’t let that be another reason to judge and doubt and second guess your own self. Don’t do that. Which is probably what he is wanting when he is blitzing you. Being angry and even just saying those feelings that are so-called bad or not okay is how you know that you ARE okay!

You know what I was thinking about how you say everything was good and you were like shocked and maybe didn’t see it. I mean you didn’t want to see it until his kid convinced him to actually tell you. Ohhh wow. I would want to say that there has been a lot going on that you didn’t want to see.

You know what. People like this do what they do by appearing that everything is just calm and normal. Not by yelling. Think about what a low bar that might be if not arguing and yelling is the big thing. So the other person has to doubt and second guess their own self. People like this do what they do behind that perfect front appearance. They are okay with what they do and the poor other person has to buy into that and doubt what they see and then forgive and how really bad, even comfort.

You need to give yourself some time and place totally away from him. You need to give yourself that so you can figure all of this out.

 

[Allison]

I remember all the posts about your previous marriage drama too. Living on your own & learning to survive without a man would probably be the best move you could make. And don’t be in any hurry to find the next man.

Above all of this, you need to respect yourself. You sound very co-dependent. You enable this behavior. You need to accept that you have played this role and do something to stop it. I can't help but think the best thing would be to end this marriage and be on your own. Therapy is a must and no relationships until you have worked through your issues.

Read these posts again. They are spot on.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I want to address a couple things. First, it's not your fault. I don't care what you think you did to cause it, there's nothing you can do to cause someone else to have a lapse in morals or integrity, that is a personal decision that your husband made FOR HIMSELF. Second, i very much doubt it has anything to do with how pretty you are vs. how pretty she is. That is a dangerous rabbit hole for you to go down and it won't bring you any peace or even serve any purpose because you don't lose your integrity and crap out on your marriage because someone is pretty, cheating is usually about things other than looks. Third, don't let him manipulate you. Those emotional texts and calls are manipulation and he needs to shut that down. He is being emotional because he is sorry he got caught, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he is sorry that he cheated. Counseling is your best bet because a counselor will provide an impartial third party to keep his emotional manipulation in check. The counselor can help you get to the bottom of what the cheating was really about which should help you decide whether it's something you two can work through.

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

I think that she might be best to go to her own counseling. He will try to find a way to make the counselor also question everything and give him credit. This happens even in counseling. Not all counselors are really good. She needs to find a good one to work just with her in her best interests without his crazy getting in the way!

I know a girl who went thru something like this and their counselor was all into how SHE needed to listen and give and trust. Like that isn’t what she had been doing that got her into that nightmare! I think this happens a lot. She walked out on that one.

 

[DisneyHardin]

The first thing you need to decide is whether or not you want to stay married to him and go from there.

I was in your shoes about 8 years ago and am still married to my husband. My husband had an "texting" affair with a woman. He swears that it was never physical and I had to choose to believe that. When I found the text messages, I confronted him, but stayed very calm. I told him that the ball was in his court - I wanted to be married to him, but he had to end things with her. It took counselling and lots of time, but our marriage survived. I can't say that I don't always have suspicion lingering in the back of my mind, but we are happy.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

 

[starry_solo]

I think that she might be best to go to her own counseling. He will try to find a way to make the counselor also question everything and give him credit. This happens even in counseling. Not all counselors are really good. She needs to find a good one to work just with her in her best interests without his crazy getting in the way!

I agree but would take it one step further. Each of you go to your own counselor and then have a couples counselor. Preferably in the same practice and the parties sign releases so their own counselors can talk to the couples counselor.

That is, if you want to save the marriage.

If not, well, the OP still needs to go to counseling.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

I think that she might be best to go to her own counseling. He will try to find a way to make the counselor also question everything and give him credit. This happens even in counseling. Not all counselors are really good. She needs to find a good one to work just with her in her best interests without his crazy getting in the way!

I know a girl who went thru something like this and their counselor was all into how SHE needed to listen and give and trust. Like that isn’t what she had been doing that got her into that nightmare! I think this happens a lot. She walked out on that one.

Manipulators, abusers, and narcissists use counseling to get more fuel to use against they’re victims. It’s typically not recommended to try counseling if there are issues like this in the relationship.

I don’t know if that’s the case here, but OP was in a pretty abusive relationship before and this guy threw up some red flags in the beginning. It’s not uncommon for people who have previously been in abusive relationships to get there again. I’d also say the OP should probably stick to solo therapy and really figure herself out first. It sounds like this guy was fine leading whatever life her wanted but the blitzing and emotional manipulation now that the veil has come off is very concerning.

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

Well said! It sounds like you are smart and know more about this stuff than I do.

 

[ScottOKW2K]

I'm going to try to provide some advice, and then later some comments.

The Advice - Slow down. Decisions made in the heat of anger and other emotions are often short-sighted and wrong, and are often too much response for too little reason. Right now your entire personal world is consumed by this, and you are hurt and confused. You are like an animal that had been backed into a corner and the usual response to this is to lash out at what has caused you pain. This is a perfectly normal response. And the normal action following this is to hurt that which has caused the pain. Understand and accept this - but that doesn't mean that you have to act on it.

I have some important questions. Do you still care for him? If so, do you care enough to give each of you a chance to try to work this out? Are you willing to be brutally honest not only with him but also with yourself? What I have learned in life is that one old adage is true. That there are three sides to a story - his, hers, and the truth. I am NOT dismissing what he has done. Even though a friend of his forced the issue, at least you heard it first from him and not someone else.

You stand at a crossroads now. You can do as many have suggested and go completely no contact, kick him out of the house and try to completely control the situation. You've both been through divorce and you know that this will most certainly "poison the well." This is the advice a lawyer would probably give. Works well for them - they charge by the hour. Or you could do the human and humane thing - sit down and actually TALK HONESTLY WITH HIM. You mention you're in your late 40's and I'm going to assume he's a similar age, and you've both been divorced before. So you both came into this with enough baggage to take a guilt trip around the world. He made a mistake. Is it one you can forgive? I don't know - this is your decision to make. I'm not going to call him a despicable person, because other than your words I know nothing about him. I do know that you at one time you saw something positive enough in him to want to spend you life with him. Is he a human with his good and bad points that made a mistake, or has he taken a serum to change him to bad evil person like so many here want to paint him?

Here's another side of the coin - some of this is your fault. You and so many brought up the number of texts from him. But you also mentioned at at the beginning of your relationship you would get panic attacks if he didn't respond quickly enough. By your actions you created and encouraged this response. You also stated you went from a long abusive relationship to this one very quickly. This is not uncommon, but it also means you never had enough time to truly deal with the long term effects of your previous marriage. I'm going out on a limb here but based on the panic attacks over communication (texting) and the other questions you have posed you might fit the anecdotal description of "emotionally needy." I have no psychological training to determine this - just my personal gut feeling about the comments and information you have provided.

I would recommend personal counseling for you, because of your past marriage, whether you and your husband decide to work this out or not. I would also recommend DivorceCare for both of you, but likely separate groups. I went through it during my own divorce and this was the thing that helped me the most. It helped because I found I was not alone in how I felt, in some ways was better off than others, and that I can get through this. My gut tells me that if you both try this it might help save your relationship.

Suggestions over , now comments. I've read to many posts in this thread on hide this from him, don't tell him about that, protect your self first and the marriage second. She's been hurt and angered buy what he has done and him hiding it, and the response is to do things that would escalate and antagonize the situation and hide it from him. This is not how to work on a relationship - this is how to guarantee than one in stress will almost certainly fail. It seems that marriage is considered a disposable item, and may explain why it's at an all time low since they started keeping the statistic in the US 118 years ago. It's disheartening.

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

That might be good advice! But there are two things. You can’t have an honest and fair conversation with some people. And also I wonder if all marriages should be stayed in. Those things are not good things to go on. That is what she needs to figure out and that won’t happen if he is right there blitzing her and not even giving her a chance or any respect. She needs to figure out her own problems and what is truly best for her. Some time and separation is important. Those numbers or statistics don’t mean anything.

 

[theSurlyMermaid]

I would highly recommend people recommending giving the relationship a chance and the OP herself to revisit the old threads on this topic. They are not hard to find.

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

I also don’t think that this kind of moral thing that hurts somebody is a mistake. I think morals are who you are.

 

[pearlieq]

1.) Make an appointment with your doctor and get a full STD screen, regardless of what he says. You don't want to wind up with cervical cancer because he was economical with the truth.

2.) Shut down his access to any of your financial accounts. You may not share accounts, but is he an authorized user on any of your credit cards? Does he know your passwords?

 

[hertamaniac]

I've moved past my post marriage (one) wounds, but this scenario did bring back some quite vivid memories (and lessons learned since then). Some of the words that you shared are interestingly similar to what I heard when I discovered a "less than faithful" scenario. Words like adequacy, trapped and angry. They'll be plenty of divorce cheerleaders that will try and suggest that scenario (and I'm not saying they are wrong).

A question I would ask myself is why would he want to downgrade your relationship with someone else?