I Feel As If My World Has Collapsed

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Okay, you can tell me to go to heck after this post (or not) and I *may* be confusing you with another poster. My memory on social media isn't great.

Easier said than done but, I'd be done with him now. I could be wrong but a married person sending inappropriate photos (sexting) honestly says to me that more is going on here.

I don't think you and he are all that young (40s, right?) and this isn't a youthful poor judgment thing.

I also vaguely have a sense about others not overly approving of him and wasn't your marriage sort of fast?

Again, I apologize if I've confused you with another poster--that may very well be the case. But if not and these points are correct, there would be too many flags for me.

You’re not confusing her with another poster. A few years ago there were many topics on this relationship where posters here gave some really great advice (that was ignored). This is pretty much exactly what everyone but the OP saw eventually happening.

I counted... he has texted me 51 times today and called once.

Either the story is all too common, or it probably was me. I started dating him about 4 years ago shortly after I got divorced in an absolutely awful marriage. My father told me he wasn't a big fan of him, and he never really said much after that initial conversation. He didn't give me any grief when I told him I was engaged, or when the wedding finally happened. I had another close family member act less than thrilled about this relationship. Yes, I was a bit extreme and obsessive when we first started dating, and we clicked so well. I plastered Facebook with pictures of us and had pictures of us all over my cubicle at work. I have since pretty much stopped doing Facebook just because I kind of got tired of it, too much drama etc... I figure if I am one of those people who looks around a little bit but never says anything, I am better off. I guess I was acting like a teenager at 44. I would get anxiety attacks if he took too long to text me back.

I am 48 years old, and this is my third rodeo. The funny thing is, we get along so well, and we always have. We have never fought, ever. I thought everything was going so well. That is why I am so completely floored by this. I had this perception of how great things were, now I feel foolish. I will admit I have a lot of concern now that this goes deeper than I realize and he is only sorry because he got caught. He told me that his children are all upset because they think I am going to want to get divorced. I guess he is playing all the cards right now. I feel so angry, lonely and trapped all at the same time. I didn't have an "escape route" so to speak. I don't have a backup plan of what I would do if things went bad. I was in this marriage with all the enthusiasm in the world.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

My dad used to say the same; confessing only makes the cheater feel better.

She’s not confused about the poster but what’s done is done. Saying “I told you so” doesn’t help the situation now.

@Kathryn Merteuil When he snatched up the phone was this after his confession?

I wasn't there when it happened. My stepdaughter is actually the one who busted him. It's my understanding they were in the car or something and she got a hold of his phone at the wrong (or right time). He told me that she is the one who made him come forward. I'm assuming she gave him the choice of telling me himself or she was going to do it.

 

[RamblingMad]

When I had a series of bad relationships, my friends told me to stop dating in the same gene pool. It’s worked. I’ve been with the same person now for almost twenty years. And she’s awesome.

 

[cabanafrau]

I’ll go a step further and say he told her because he wants out but wants her to do the dirty work. If not he would’ve done exactly what you said above.

OP I had a butthead of an XH. Nudes are never just nudes. There’s ALWAYS more to it. Even if he deleted them off of his phone I would bet lots of money he stored them elsewhere.

If I were you I would get a hotel room for a few days to clear my mind. Turn off my phone and disconnect from him. Then I would decide what my plan would be. I think you need time away from his constant apologies to figure out what you truly want to do.

I agree there needs to be a disconnect right now for OP to sort things out in her own mind. I disagree that she should be the one packing a bag however. I absolutely would not recommend she be the one to do so.

OP, what I would do in this situation or any ideas I have about your relationship or the future aren't important. I do know that it's manipulative for your husband to be telling you about his children's concerns at this stage. Take time to think before you act. It's fine to seek out counsel from those you trust who you know have your best interests at heart. If they truly care about you they will understand you have no need to feel shame right now. Even if it's a bad outcome, learn from it and pick yourself up and do better because you know better.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I agree there needs to be a disconnect right now for OP to sort things out in her own mind. I disagree that she should be the one packing a bag however. I absolutely would not recommend she be the one to do so.

OP, what I would do in this situation or any ideas I have about your relationship or the future aren't important. I do know that it's manipulative for your husband to be telling you about his children's concerns at this stage. Take time to think before you act. It's fine to seek out counsel from those you trust who you know have your best interests at heart. If they truly care about you they will understand you have no need to feel shame right now. Even if it's a bad outcome, learn from it and pick yourself up and do better because you know better.

Yea true. He should be the one to go. I would only do the hotel if it was a nice one with a spa. I would book a spa treatment while there.

 

[cabanafrau]

Yea true. He should be the one to go. I would only do the hotel if it was a nice one with a spa. I would book a spa treatment while there.

Any thoughts where she should send the bill? Generous tip included of course.

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

51 times. Ohhhh NO!!!!!! 52 total. That is not just playing his cards, that is the whole entire deck of cards! That is personal overkill. And, he wants you think you should comfort him? And, even the idea of him bringing in his kids. Are you even kidding? This is not okay. This would be the thing that would get to me more than the other girl. You need to at least walk away, or make him walk, far enough so that you can think straight, without his crazy. You need to find a break from the crazy!

 

[wildride]

It is never about the cheated on always about the cheater. He is a cheater. He would still be cheating if not busted!!!
If you rugsweep this it will happen again & again.

Is this woman in your town or nearby? If so I am gonna bet it is more than pics.

STOP TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE TO HIM!!! Your old marriage is gone, remains to be seen if you can build a new one. I would go no contact. By this I mean he is on his own - no conversation unless about bills or children. No small talk - how is your day? Really you stab me in the heart now you want to know if I had a good day NO. He cooks & cleans for himself, does his own laundry. No favors. If his car needs fixing he needs to figure out his own rides anywhere.

I would also consult a lawyer. Most lawyers are free for 1st consultation, but thinking you may know that.

51 times - this is known as lovebombing. I miss you, so sorry, can't live with out you, so sorry, let's talk please, so sorry, you're who I want, so sorry. Sound familiar?

also please go to survivinginfidelity.com and just read. You don't need to register. He is not unique actually quite a run of the mill cheater.

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

I really wish the OP would google and youtube lovebombing. That could be really eye-opening to see the actual real type of person that would actually do this.

 

[RamblingMad]

51 times - this is known as lovebombing. I miss you, so sorry, can't live with out you, so sorry, let's talk please, so sorry, you're who I want, so sorry. Sound familiar?

Love bombing? Is this something new?

I’ve never texted anyone that many times in a day.

I hope she works and is not dependent on him.

 

[daisyduck123]

My husband of 22 years was cheating. I divorced his rear end.
It has been 6 years now and I am SO much happier and better off without him.
Be rid of yours. You deserve better. It will take some time but you CAN get thru this.

 

[TLSnell1981]

I'm sorry you are going through this especially during these unusual and stressful times. Considering past experiences, dragging the kids in, etc. I know what I would do but you need to go through the (grief/loss) process and decide what is best for YOU....not him, the kids or anyone else.

 

[FigmentSpark]

Don't leave your marital home. If anything, make him leave. You don't want things to escalate and you've lost the house in a divorce (because you left the home).

Do make sure you have copies of all deeds and financial statements. Know where all your combined (and personal) money is. If he has separate accounts, make copies of them and keep them somewhere only you can get them. If you don't need these copies, great. If you do, you'll be glad you have them. Don't tell him you're doing this. It will scare him and it's just for insurance.

Does he have a weapon in the home? If so, make sure it's unloaded and locked up. He may be deeply in love, but some people go crazy when they feel like their spouse is going to leave. Sadly, I know of a case where the husband loved his wife so much that he couldn't bear the thought of her leaving him and getting on with her life, so he killed her... right before killing himself. And it happens all too often. Secure any weapons. Again, don't tell him you're doing this.

Ask him the questions you asked us. Maybe write it if you don't think you can hear it. Have him write it to you (and keep it for evidence).

I know it sounds like I'm saying everything is over, but at this point, it's a possibility. It might not be over and you might be able to move on, but right now, you need to be thinking of your own future first, then think about what having him in it will be like.

 

[fly girl]

OP, I am sorry.

Having this bomb hit has to be horrible. And then to have him incessantly texting you and using kids as guilt is not helping. You need to get some air, as he is suffocating your thoughts at the moment. If you can have the house to yourself, then make him got to a hotel. If you cannot, then you go to the nicest hotel around and he foots the bill.

No one can tell you what to do. You have to follow your mind/heart/gut on this. Deep down you'll know what is best, and no one can judge the decision you make for yourself. It is no one else's business. It may not be the easiest decision, but if you follow what YOU need to do, it will be the right one.

 

[Summer2018]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I suggest meeting with a therapist to sort it all out.

Agree 100%.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

It is never about the cheated on always about the cheater. He is a cheater. He would still be cheating if not busted!!!
If you rugsweep this it will happen again & again.

Is this woman in your town or nearby? If so I am gonna bet it is more than pics.

STOP TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE TO HIM!!! Your old marriage is gone, remains to be seen if you can build a new one. I would go no contact. By this I mean he is on his own - no conversation unless about bills or children. No small talk - how is your day? Really you stab me in the heart now you want to know if I had a good day NO. He cooks & cleans for himself, does his own laundry. No favors. If his car needs fixing he needs to figure out his own rides anywhere.

I would also consult a lawyer. Most lawyers are free for 1st consultation, but thinking you may know that.

51 times - this is known as lovebombing. I miss you, so sorry, can't live with out you, so sorry, let's talk please, so sorry, you're who I want, so sorry. Sound familiar?

also please go to survivinginfidelity.com and just read. You don't need to register. He is not unique actually quite a run of the mill cheater.

She lives about an hour or so away. He has been to that town by himself at least once that I can remember. A couple times with others, (or at least he told me he went w/friends he could have been making that up). I've always blindly given him the benefit of the doubt. Seeing that name on the caller ID on the car screen, and seeing the way he scrambled to get that off the screen as quickly as possible that time not long ago. It had bugged me, but I dismissed it as my own overreacting. If she is an old friend, I surely have never heard him talk about her before. From what I saw on Facebook she doesn't even look like his type. She is younger and looks like somebody who "dances" for a living. If he met her in such a club, that would make me even more angry. That is just speculation on my part though.

I had never heard of lovebombing before, it's interesting to read some articles.

 

[Lynne M]

I started dating him about 4 years ago shortly after I got divorced in an absolutely awful marriage. My father told me he wasn't a big fan of him, and he never really said much after that initial conversation. He didn't give me any grief when I told him I was engaged, or when the wedding finally happened. I had another close family member act less than thrilled about this relationship. Yes, I was a bit extreme and obsessive when we first started dating, and we clicked so well.

I remember reading your posts on all of that. I remember how hard you fought to find the strength to leave your awful marriage, and how relieved you were. And I remember how quickly you fell for this guy, and how completely over-the-moon you were.

I also remember being really worried that you were moving too fast, emotionally. You needed so badly for this to be a fairy tale come true. Which is not the least bit uncommon after leaving a relationship in which you've been mistreated. The affection and attention feel like cool water to someone dying of thirst.

I get the feeling that that's what your family members were reacting to - not so much him, but that you'd immediately declared him a soulmate and were talking marriage, when you hardly knew him at that point. I just hoped at the time that you'd wait until the infatuation stage passed and you were seeing each other with clearer eyes.

None of that was meant as criticism, just mentioning what it looked like from the outside, at that time. It's normal to crave love after you've been starved of it for a long time. It's normal to be head over heels in a new relationship.

I'm so sorry that it didn't work out the way you hoped it would.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

Love bombing? Is this something new?

I’ve never texted anyone that many times in a day.

I hope she works and is not dependent on him.

It’s usually in reference to abusers apologizing profusely, performing acts of kindness and love to keep their victims from leaving them. It’s part of the cycle.

Op says their relationship was great before this and that this infidelity was out of the blue. So the person who referenced love bombing might not have done so thinking of abuse (that’s honestly the only way I’ve heard it used).

 

[RamblingMad]

It’s usually in reference to abusers apologizing profusely, performing acts of kindness and love to keep their victims from leaving them. It’s part of the cycle.

Op says their relationship was great before this and that this infidelity was out of the blue. So the person who referenced love bombing might not have done so thinking of abuse (that’s honestly the only way I’ve heard it used).

I know someone that every time he cheats on his wife, he buys her a new car with a big bow. It’s pretty ridiculous. He knows buying her a new car will cost him less than a divorce.

 

[morgan98]

I’ll go a step further and say he told her because he wants out but wants her to do the dirty work. If not he would’ve done exactly what you said above.

OP I had a butthead of an XH. Nudes are never just nudes. There’s ALWAYS more to it. Even if he deleted them off of his phone I would bet lots of money he stored them elsewhere.

If I were you I would get a hotel room for a few days to clear my mind. Turn off my phone and disconnect from him. Then I would decide what my plan would be. I think you need time away from his constant apologies to figure out what you truly want to do.

This. My EX also cheated it has been years ago -not with pictures though but with a relationship. I have been busy and not read every single post, but where there is smoke there is fire. How do you know this situation is only pictures and not actual contact?

Cheaters NEVER tell the whole story. It takes awhile for the truth to come out. His apologizing is to appease you hoping he can stop you from digging for more.

DON'T FALL FOR IT!

ETA: Many people are non confrontational. Not arguing has nothing to do with whether or not two people really get along. I am not saying this to be a jerk, but people just have different ways of dealing with unhappiness, confrontation, etc.