I Feel As If My World Has Collapsed

[J'aime Paris]

Big hugs to you!!

My first reaction would be to kick him to the curb...
but all relationships are unique.

My friend and her husband were able to repair their marriage after his infidelity, and they are still strong 10+years later...

No real advice for you, other than to BE STRONG!!

 

[Micca]

Off with his head! Sorry, it's a Disney board and I thought a quote from the Queen of Hearts might be in order. This is an awful situation and will take some time to sort out. Probably best to get a professional involved, and the sooner the better. As a bonus I'll toss in a completely uneducated thought: Seems to me you are in the driver's seat, first step is to figure out how you want this to go. I'm so sorry about how much this sucks.

 

[Christine]

Okay, you can tell me to go to heck after this post (or not) and I *may* be confusing you with another poster. My memory on social media isn't great.

Easier said than done but, I'd be done with him now. I could be wrong but a married person sending inappropriate photos (sexting) honestly says to me that more is going on here.

I don't think you and he are all that young (40s, right?) and this isn't a youthful poor judgment thing.

I also vaguely have a sense about others not overly approving of him and wasn't your marriage sort of fast?

Again, I apologize if I've confused you with another poster--that may very well be the case. But if not and these points are correct, there would be too many flags for me.

 

[firefly_ris]

I have zero advice on this situation but just wanted to say you're not inadequate, and I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I think you have received some good advice on going forward... best wishes to you.

 

[cvjw]

If inappropriate pictures have already been shared, I would want to know what else has been shared. I would be leery of taking him back until you know for sure how far this relationship has gone and for how long.

 

[HeatherC]

I am also very sorry you are going through this. I don’t have answers, but did want to agree with others who have said this is NOT about you. It is not your fault and you do not deserve this. There is also no right or wrong way to feel about this. Your feelings are completely valid and don’t let anyone ever tell you they aren’t.

Take some time for yourself to process it all first and then moving forward maybe consider couples counseling if that’s the direction you decide you want to take. Above all, trust your own instincts and your own heart.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I honestly cannot talk to my friends or family about this due to sheer embarrassment, but If I don't vent somehow or I feel like I will explode. I just don't even feel like making up a new username or say it's a "friend's" situation. It's just me and I am having a hard time.

My husband confessed to me that he has traded "inappropriate" pictures with some woman. Somebody we know happened to actually see this on his phone and told him he should fess up. At least that is what he told me.
(snipped)

Am I blowing this all out of proportion? Or is this a time to do some serious consideration about my future? Thanks for letting me vent.

Well, his friend if that is where it came from was wrong. He shouldn't have told you. He should have simply stopped doing it and lived with his shame. Instead, to ease his feelings of guilt, he messed up your happiness and is expecting you to comfort him. He's the inadequate one.

 

[wenrob]

He keeps apologizing because he wants to make himself feel better. I can’t tell you what to do or what to think but he has proven himself untrustworthy here. It’s something I’d have a very, very hard time with. You don’t just exchange inappropriate photos with old friends for the hell of it. Don’t let him put this on you by saying something was lacking or he needed something. If something was lacking or he needed something he should have come to YOU.

 

[theSurlyMermaid]

Okay, you can tell me to go to heck after this post (or not) and I *may* be confusing you with another poster. My memory on social media isn't great.

Easier said than done but, I'd be done with him now. I could be wrong but a married person sending inappropriate photos (sexting) honestly says to me that more is going on here.

I don't think you and he are all that young (40s, right?) and this isn't a youthful poor judgment thing.

I also vaguely have a sense about others not overly approving of him and wasn't your marriage sort of fast?

Again, I apologize if I've confused you with another poster--that may very well be the case. But if not and these points are correct, there would be too many flags for me.

You’re not confusing her with another poster. A few years ago there were many topics on this relationship where posters here gave some really great advice (that was ignored). This is pretty much exactly what everyone but the OP saw eventually happening.

 

[Snowysmom]

I am sorry you are going through this. You didn't do anything wrong nor do you need feel bad about yourself or inadequate. If your DH had issues with the relationship he should have talked with you and not anything else. I agree with others who say take a pause and then honest conversation with him along with counseling. Also, I would not be comforting him. He got caught and is upset about it.

 

[trip]

Terrible for you to have to go through this. The previous suggestions to see a therapist to help you get a handle on your feelings seem spot on. Whenever I read about a cheating spouse who keeps saying how sorry they are makes me wonder if they are sorry they cheated or sorry they got caught.

 

[kymom99]

Another thing, find someone IRL to talk to. One friend or relative. This is a must. Do not hide this. You may begin to normalize the behavior.

 

[RamblingMad]

You’re not confusing her with another poster. A few years ago there were many topics on this relationship where posters here gave some really great advice (that was ignored). This is pretty much exactly what everyone but the OP saw eventually happening.

Pandemics spiked divorces in China. It’s not surprising this is happening now. Times were different. Now, she’s pretty much trapped with him unless the other woman moves in with them.

 

[theSurlyMermaid]

Pandemics spiked divorces in China. It’s not surprising this is happening now. Times were different. Now, she’s pretty much trapped with him unless the other woman moves in with them.

That’s interesting but if you were around for OP’s old threads you’ll know this is not because of any pandemic.

 

[chainkid]

The strange thing is, we have never really fought before. In the years we have been together, never once has either of us even raised our voice to the other. I thought everything was great, I was blindsided by this.

First you should not try and think that you did something wrong to drive him away. My father cheated on my mother for years yet he was the one insanely jealous of her every move. She put up with a lot because she had 4 kids and no way to support them. Though she loved my dad, when he died I never saw her shed a tear. She felt free of his lies and put downs. Only you can balance the good and the bad in the relationship but I truly believe once the trust is gone your love diminishes over time. Once a cheater always a cheater. Your spouse is the one person in your life you need to be there thru thick and thin. I'm a three time cancer survivor and I would not be as strong as I am with out the knowledge that this man is my rock. If I found out what you did it would shatter my trust. I might not leave but my marriage would never feel strong to me. If there is no abuse verbally or otherwise , you might feel its worth saving but doubt you will ever look at him the same way. Only you can make that decision but do not think it is you. My dad was an exceedingly handsome man who constantly need affirmation of his attraction to others. My mom was a very pretty kind person who was loyal as day is long. I used to get angry at her for being such a dormat but looking back I see the quiet strength she needed to hold our family together.

 

[RamblingMad]

That’s interesting but if you were around for OP’s old threads you’ll know this is not because of any pandemic.

I’m saying the pandemic amplified everything. You’re pretty much stuck with your significant other. This has been rough on a lot of people. Domestic violence is through the roof.

Right now, she’s pretty much in an open relationship that she didn’t agree to.

 

[Christine]

You’re not confusing her with another poster. A few years ago there were many topics on this relationship where posters here gave some really great advice (that was ignored). This is pretty much exactly what everyone but the OP saw eventually happening.

Oh gosh, I'm sorry. I really don't want to throw that up in the OP's face either. I just try to answer these questions, not as a blanket answer, but taking in all factors. I'm not necessarily one to say "cut and run" when someone does something like this; however, if there are various factors/red flags then I would. I just seemed to remember something here that was a warning sign. And that's about as far as my memory goes.

OP, sorry...I know this cannot be pleasant for you and I'm not trying to make your honesty with us over this situation a regretful experience. As others have said, this is NOT ON YOU. It only reflects poorly on him. What kind of person does that? And no doubt he does love and care for you. Some people, men and women, just have issues with their own self-esteem and selfishness. You didn't cause this. You seem like a nice, trusting person and you deserve better.

 

[wenrob]

Well, his friend if that is where it came from was wrong. He shouldn't have told you. He should have simply stopped doing it and lived with his shame. Instead, to ease his feelings of guilt, he messed up your happiness and is expecting you to comfort him. He's the inadequate one.

My dad used to say the same; confessing only makes the cheater feel better.

You’re not confusing her with another poster. A few years ago there were many topics on this relationship where posters here gave some really great advice (that was ignored). This is pretty much exactly what everyone but the OP saw eventually happening.

She’s not confused about the poster but what’s done is done. Saying “I told you so” doesn’t help the situation now.

@Kathryn Merteuil When he snatched up the phone was this after his confession?

 

[Christine]

My dad used to say the same; confessing only makes the cheater feel better.

She’s not confused about the poster but what’s done is done. Saying “I told you so” doesn’t help the situation now.

@Kathryn Merteuil When he snatched up the phone was this after his confession?

I agree with the "I told you so" line as not being appropriate. However, the OP asked:

Am I blowing this all out of proportion? Or is this a time to do some serious consideration about my future?

Based on the past factors, she definitely needs to use those as part of her consideration about her future and whether this is a big deal or not and what is this man's history.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Well, his friend if that is where it came from was wrong. He shouldn't have told you. He should have simply stopped doing it and lived with his shame. Instead, to ease his feelings of guilt, he messed up your happiness and is expecting you to comfort him. He's the inadequate one.

I’ll go a step further and say he told her because he wants out but wants her to do the dirty work. If not he would’ve done exactly what you said above.

OP I had a butthead of an XH. Nudes are never just nudes. There’s ALWAYS more to it. Even if he deleted them off of his phone I would bet lots of money he stored them elsewhere.

If I were you I would get a hotel room for a few days to clear my mind. Turn off my phone and disconnect from him. Then I would decide what my plan would be. I think you need time away from his constant apologies to figure out what you truly want to do.