I Feel As If My World Has Collapsed

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I honestly cannot talk to my friends or family about this due to sheer embarrassment, but If I don't vent somehow or I feel like I will explode. I just don't even feel like making up a new username or say it's a "friend's" situation. It's just me and I am having a hard time.

My husband confessed to me that he has traded "inappropriate" pictures with some woman. Somebody we know happened to actually see this on his phone and told him he should fess up. At least that is what he told me. He also shared her name, says she is an old friend. It is a name I have seen before. I've seen it pop up on his phone a couple times. Once we were in the car and a call came in with that name on the caller ID, and I've never seen anybody scramble so fast to get something off the display. I kind of dismissed it and just thought I was being paranoid. I didn't want to be psycho jealous and make an issue out of it. I always just figured we are old enough, if he wanted somebody else they would already be together and we would have never been a couple to begin with. Of course after this, I have looked her up on Facebook and her profile says "single" and she is younger than me and I should refrain from taking cheap shots at her appearance. He says he is sorry and wants me to forgive him. My initial reaction was just lets get past this, but I just don't know if I can. Honestly, I am soooooo sick of hearing him apologize. He has been blowing up my text all morning apologizing and saying how bad he feels.

I feel soooooo inadequate. I consider myself to be attractive, but I can't compete with somebody younger that looks like her. Why would I even want to try to compete? What did I do to make him seek out this kind of attention? Is the exchange of pictures all that's happened, or have things gone further and that is all he admitted to? Has he done this before? Will he do it again? Why am I even responding to his constant string of texts trying to comfort him? For some crazy reason, I am afraid if I ask him the "serious questions" I will lose him. Why am I afraid of losing him? I don't need somebody who would do something like this. Why do I feel so guilty about this? I was such a fool for trusting him. I also feel so ashamed. I know my dad said early on in this that he was not a big fan of this guy. He never really made an issue out of it other than him expressing concerns upfront. I don't want him to find out about this so I don't feel like I can talk to him about this. I wish I had my mother, I could possibly talk to her, she would have been the only one I could ever talk to about this and not fear getting a horrible lecture about how my stupid behavior foolishly marrying somebody that I thought was my perfect soulmate.

Am I blowing this all out of proportion? Or is this a time to do some serious consideration about my future? Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[holden]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I suggest meeting with a therapist to sort it all out.

 

[FigmentSpark]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. All your questions are exactly how I'd feel. But you need to show them to him. You need those answers from him, not just "sorry".

 

[DisneyDebbie]

IMO your concerns are valid, and I would suggest counseling for yourself and couples counseling too

I’m sorry this is happening to you

 

[DisneyMommy77]

I am so sorry! You are not blowing it out of proportion at all. I would also be so devastated if this happened to me. Trust has been broken.

I don’t know the answers, but I do think you have a lot to consider about what you are willing to accept and not accept if moving forward. Allow yourself time to process and get a clear head before making any decisions.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

 

[TippyThomas]

I honestly cannot talk to my friends or family about this due to sheer embarrassment, but If I don't vent somehow or I feel like I will explode. I just don't even feel like making up a new username or say it's a "friend's" situation. It's just me and I am having a hard time.

My husband confessed to me that he has traded "inappropriate" pictures with some woman. Somebody we know happened to actually see this on his phone and told him he should fess up. At least that is what he told me. He also shared her name, says she is an old friend. It is a name I have seen before. I've seen it pop up on his phone a couple times. Once we were in the car and a call came in with that name on the caller ID, and I've never seen anybody scramble so fast to get something off the display. I kind of dismissed it and just thought I was being paranoid. I didn't want to be psycho jealous and make an issue out of it. I always just figured we are old enough, if he wanted somebody else they would already be together and we would have never been a couple to begin with. Of course after this, I have looked her up on Facebook and her profile says "single" and she is younger than me and I should refrain from taking cheap shots at her appearance. He says he is sorry and wants me to forgive him. My initial reaction was just lets get past this, but I just don't know if I can. Honestly, I am soooooo sick of hearing him apologize. He has been blowing up my text all morning apologizing and saying how bad he feels.

I feel soooooo inadequate. I consider myself to be attractive, but I can't compete with somebody younger that looks like her. Why would I even want to try to compete? What did I do to make him seek out this kind of attention? Is the exchange of pictures all that's happened, or have things gone further and that is all he admitted to? Has he done this before? Will he do it again? Why am I even responding to his constant string of texts trying to comfort him? For some crazy reason, I am afraid if I ask him the "serious questions" I will lose him. Why am I afraid of losing him? I don't need somebody who would do something like this. Why do I feel so guilty about this? I was such a fool for trusting him. I also feel so ashamed. I know my dad said early on in this that he was not a big fan of this guy. He never really made an issue out of it other than him expressing concerns upfront. I don't want him to find out about this so I don't feel like I can talk to him about this. I wish I had my mother, I could possibly talk to her, she would have been the only one I could ever talk to about this and not fear getting a horrible lecture about how my stupid behavior foolishly marrying somebody that I thought was my perfect soulmate.

Am I blowing this all out of proportion? Or is this a time to do some serious consideration about my future? Thanks for letting me vent.

Sorry. It won't be easy.

 

[butterscotchcollins]

Kathryn - I am so sorry you're going through this. Please know you are NOT inadequate - infidelity so rarely has anything to do with a partners' shortcomings and everything to do with the cheater's insecurities.

I'm no expert but the foremost expert on the topic, Esther Perel, has a really interesting talk about this topic (let me see if I can link, otherwise google her TED talk): https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_pe...alk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved?language=en

Give that a listen for some perspective and know what you're feeling is valid, you are not a paranoid psycho, he broke your trust and that hurt is going to take time to heal. What you decide next is totally up to you - sending you strength to get through this.

 

[iivye]

You didn't do anything to cause this and you don't have to compete for anything! It's time for you to figure out what you want for the future and not worry about your husband. You are responsible for your own happiness not his. You will get through this. Be strong and know you can always vent here.

 

[cheryl.UK]

Hi, I come from Yorkshire in the UK and we are known for being plain spoken. I apologise in advance but can assure you, been there, done that, walked away.

Not blowing this out of proportion at all. Even if this is as far as it has gone, he's broken your trust. Should you forgive him? Only you know that. Was the relationship happy? or more importantly, were you happy before you found out?
Why should you feel inadequate? It's him that was an inadequate husband. Make him explain the trigger. He may not even have thought bout this himself but there will have been a trigger. Maybe he was spending too much time on his laptop? Maybe you weren't spending time together. Whatever it was, insist he changes that behaviour. How does he know her and if she was an old friend, how did they get in touch again? Whatever it was, he needs to stop going there/being on that website again.

Call her, tell her you know and tell her to back off. (Politely but with the authority only a wife can) Put her on the back front and see what her reaction is. She may well run a mile.

If you do take him back, make him change his number and insist itemised bills come to the house in your name. It's easy, just register the SIM card got you.

But, if in your heart, you know things were not good and you weren't happy, kick him out.

 

[cheryl.UK]

Hi, I come from Yorkshire in the UK and we are known for being plain spoken. I apologise in advance but can assure you, been there, done that, walked away.

Not blowing this out of proportion at all. Even if this is as far as it has gone, he's broken your trust. Should you forgive him? Only you know that. Was the relationship happy? or more importantly, were you happy before you found out?
Why should you feel inadequate? It's him that was an inadequate husband. Make him explain the trigger. He may not even have thought bout this himself but there will have been a trigger. Maybe he was spending too much time on his laptop? Maybe you weren't spending time together. Whatever it was, insist he changes that behaviour. How does he know her and if she was an old friend, how did they get in touch again? Whatever it was, he needs to stop going there/being on that website again.

Call her, tell her you know and tell her to back off. (Politely but with the authority only a wife can) Put her on the back foot and see what her reaction is. She may well run a mile.

If you do take him back, make him change his number and insist itemised bills come to the house in your name. It's easy, just register the SIM card in your name.

But, if in your heart, you know things were not good and you weren't happy, kick him out.

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

It is too soon for you to know what to say or do, much too soon. Perhaps tell your partner that you need time to process and think and when you are ready to discuss everything with him, then you will let him know. Ask him to respect that decision and not raise the topic with you. I would also ask him to tell you now, whether there is anything else he should tell you.
Take control of the situation, discuss only when you are ready and make any discussions on your terms. Good luck.

 

[kymom99]

I’m sorry you are going through this. I understand. I’m afraid this may be the tip of the iceberg. I strongly suggest you ask him to leave or you leave temporarily until you get a handle on it. Please don’t let money, family, etc cause you to sweep it under the rug. It only grows bigger under there. PM me if you like.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

The strange thing is, we have never really fought before. In the years we have been together, never once has either of us even raised our voice to the other. I thought everything was great, I was blindsided by this.

 

[cabanafrau]

All you need to tell him right now is that you need time and space to think. If he's upset, anxious, worried about consequences, that's the way the cookie crumbles. When you feel ready to address it with him, do so. There's absolutely no need for you to address it on his timeline. If it helps you to gain perspective and sort things out for yourself consult a professional who can assist you in walking through your worries, your wants, your needs so that you can discover what it is you want and need going forward. Then you can address what you need with your husband. In the meantime he'll have to content himself with waiting it out on the hotseat, in limbo.

Best of luck to you.

 

[kimblebee]

Aww, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Give yourself time to figure things out. Tell him you need time. Stop trying to make him feel better. I think it’s a natural instinct, but it’s ok that he knows he hurt you and that he has to feel that pain and shame too.

 

[ashley0139]

Call her, tell her you know and tell her to back off. (Politely but with the authority only a wife can) Put her on the back front and see what her reaction is. She may well run a mile.

This is about HIM, not her. He's the one who broke her trust and their vows.

Also, stop comforting him. He's making you comfort him on purpose. He should feel bad.

 

[Frozen Canuck]

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

If you are looking for scripts for how to talk to him or even give yourself some touch-points in thinking through where you are in all of this, you might want to do a search on Captain Awkward. She has answered a ton of questions on boundary and relationship issues and there is likely to be something posted that will help with your situation.

This isn't your fault. It is totally understandable, after being hit with this news, that you will need some time to process everything. Be direct. Tell him what you need (whether that is to stop texting until you contact him or to let you have a few days to think things through or whatever), then enforce those boundaries by just not replying to his excessive texts or whatever. You may eventually find a way through this, but you do have every right to ask for time to deal with the information you have been given and decide how to proceed.

 

[cabanafrau]

Aww, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Give yourself time to figure things out. Tell him you need time. Stop trying to make him feel better. I think it’s a natural instinct, but it’s ok that he knows he hurt you and that he has to feel that pain and shame too.

Being honest, my natural instinct would be to make him feel many things, but better wouldn't be anywhere on the list.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Hit the pause button for a minute. Tell him to let you be and have your thoughts and feelings. If need be, turn your phone off or put him on ignore for a minute. Leave the other person be as well as this is between you and he first and foremost.

When you are ready, have some conversation. Don't take platitudes and and compliments or the groveling. There has to be real, like really real conversation about what is the driving point of whatever is going on and how far did it go. Frankly, I'd ask very point blank if you need to get any kind of tests at the doctor. But do all of this when you are ready not on his timeline. If he isn't willing to have some very, very uncomfortable conversation with tears or raised voices or however else, then there would be a problem.

If you want this to work and he wants this to work and you do the work, you can get through it to the other side. It will take a long,long time.

I'm sorry you are hurting. You are good enough.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'm sorry to hear this and send you a hug. I agree with a pause and counseling. I think your history of previous hurts is important to consider, as it will affect how you feel and react. A counselor can help you sort those feelings out and help you develop a plan to move forward that's best for you. Otherwise it can feel as if your head is spinning and it will affect your overall sense of well-being. A friend from my childhood and I were talking the other day about something similar with her husband. Temptations seem to have gotten a lot more plentiful with the advent of electronic communication. You can't force someone not to use computers and phones, but ideally, if there is trust, you shouldn't have to. The challenge is finding or being with someone who is trustworthy. That will be key to your future with this man, as you know already. I wish you well. Be strong.