I Feel As If My World Has Collapsed

[Snowflakey]

Get your finances in order and end the relationship.

 

[nkereina]

I don’t see an issue with staying quiet about it. Especially if there’s a chance you may stay. I wouldn’t air my dirty laundry to family and friends unless I knew I was leaving. If you tell them and stay I feel like it’s never a good situation. The friends and family will hold some kind of animosity and judgement. Repairing a relationship is hard enough without adding others opinions.

I got divorced and it was a shock to everyone because I never aired my business. We were married and it was our business. Even after I left I said very little.

Do what makes you happy OP. Good luck.

This is spot on. OP, you need to make decisions for yourself and the only way you can really do that is not to have others' opinions influence you.

Having been through a similar scenario myself with a past partner, I knew I couldn't tell my friends and family the truth. While I'm certain they would have supported me and my decision, I know they would always harbor some resentment and think differently of him had we stayed together. Instead, I told a close friend who had also been in this situation in the past. I knew she would understand and not pass judgment because of it. That's the other thing about this kind of situation - no one can fully understand unless they have been there. Lots of people here say they would leave the relationship, but no one *really* knows what they would do until they're actually facing that situation. Also, every situation is SO different. Each partners' feelings about whether to stay together or not will be different, living situations will be different, marital pressures will be different. It doesn't matter if Susie says stay and Bill says go. You have to look introspectively and make a decision you can live with.

 

[ronandannette]

This is spot on. OP, you need to make decisions for yourself and the only way you can really do that is not to have others' opinions influence you.

Having been through a similar scenario myself with a past partner, I knew I couldn't tell my friends and family the truth. While I'm certain they would have supported me and my decision, I know they would always harbor some resentment and think differently of him had we stayed together. Instead, I told a close friend who had also been in this situation in the past. I knew she would understand and not pass judgment because of it. That's the other thing about this kind of situation - no one can fully understand unless they have been there. Lots of people here say they would leave the relationship, but no one *really* knows what they would do until they're actually facing that situation. Also, every situation is SO different. Each partners' feelings about whether to stay together or not will be different, living situations will be different, marital pressures will be different. It doesn't matter if Susie says stay and Bill says go. You have to look introspectively and make a decision you can live with.

Bravo!

 

[shelemm]

Keeping things bottled in is a recipe for disaster. Telling others is a relief. The most damning feeling in the world is of isolation.

No matter what anyone tells you (stay, go, or indifferent) you already understand better than anyone the powerful forces involved in any decision you make. You don't need someone like me to tell you how to react. If you don't want advice, you can even ask people not to give you advice. But I recommend to let people know what you are going through. There are many ways they can be helpful that don't involve advice.

The title of this thread says it all. You need help now, beyond what pondering the future entails.

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

I am so hoping that she is doing okay. Since she hasn’t come back on here! And that he hasn’t been getting her to not come here or talk to people.
Kat, I understand that this is so bad! And while it might not be good to tell all to some close friends and family. I think everybody needs somebody they can confide in. Somebody that they can trust to some level. I think that is why talking to a counselor or therapist or somebody like that might be so good and helpful.
Many people want to talk and kind of get only what they want to hear. To get reasons to make a bad decision. Or blame the whole thing on the other person. Which is totally true here. But it is best to see how you have gotten there.
I am really hoping and praying that you are doing okay!

 

[ronandannette]

I am so hoping that she is doing okay. Since she hasn’t come back on here! And that he hasn’t been getting her to not come here or talk to people.
Kat, I understand that this is so bad! And while it might not be good to tell all to some close friends and family. I think everybody needs somebody they can confide in. Somebody that they can trust to some level. I think that is why talking to a counselor or therapist or somebody like that might be so good and helpful.
Many people want to talk and kind of get only what they want to hear. To get reasons to make a bad decision. Or blame the whole thing on the other person. Which is totally true here. But it is best to see how you have gotten there.
I am really hoping and praying that you are doing okay!

I suspect it's much more likely that she has taken some action (ie: trying to reconcile) that might garner criticism, like the inevitable "why ask for opinions and then ignore them" posts. I wouldn't be anxious to feed myself into that buzz-saw either.

 

[wildride]

This is spot on. OP, you need to make decisions for yourself and the only way you can really do that is not to have others' opinions influence you.

Having been through a similar scenario myself with a past partner, I knew I couldn't tell my friends and family the truth. While I'm certain they would have supported me and my decision, I know they would always harbor some resentment and think differently of him had we stayed together. Instead, I told a close friend who had also been in this situation in the past. I knew she would understand and not pass judgment because of it. That's the other thing about this kind of situation - no one can fully understand unless they have been there. Lots of people here say they would leave the relationship, but no one *really* knows what they would do until they're actually facing that situation. Also, every situation is SO different. Each partners' feelings about whether to stay together or not will be different, living situations will be different, marital pressures will be different. It doesn't matter if Susie says stay and Bill says go. You have to look introspectively and make a decision you can live with.

Please do assume those giving advice have not been through it, you don't know that. They may have PM'd her also. fferent.

I handled it very differently because only mushroom and compost grow in the dark, not settling for either. I told EVERYONE, and I do mean everyone. An affair cannot live in the light of day. And be damned if they treat him differently, actions have consequences. Welcome to reality. Hell I even told the lady at the Hallmark store. She asked what kind of card I was looking for? Oh the kind where you tell her husband that she was sleeping with my husband. Do you have those? More jaws dropped than I have ever seen. I DID NOTHING WRONG and I will not suffer in silence to spare his wittle feelings.
It has been over 10 years and we reconciled but it took years, a good 5 years of IC and after that MC. Every time he deflected I brought it back to where it belonged - You brought this to our door so suck it up buttercup. We had a long marriage before his 1 night stand & I decided to try. I gave him a gift - my decision not his, he had no say if he wanted the family do the work.

I usually say wait 6 months before making a decision but this is different. I told her to cut & run because she is less than 2 years into the marriage. If he has been cheating for say 6 months that means 18 months - just 18 months of fidelity. You literally should be in the can't keep your hands off each phase. If he'll do it that soon it is a mindset. Oh and I don't believe for one minute that 2 adults who could meet in the middle less than 30 minutes out did not have sex. Sorry that is what cheaters do - they have sex.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Please do assume those giving advice have not been through it, you don't know that. They may have PM'd her also.

I handled it very differently because only mushroom and compost grow in the dark, not settling for either. I told EVERYONE, and I do mean everyone. An affair cannot live in the light of day. And be damned if they treat him differently, actions have consequences. Welcome to reality. Hell I even told the lady at the Hallmark store. She asked what kind of card I was looking for? Oh the kind where you tell her husband that she was sleeping with my husband. Do you have those? More jaws dropped than I have ever seen. I DID NOTHING WRONG and I will not suffer in silence to spare his wittle feelings.
It has been over 10 years and we reconciled but it took years, a good 5 years of IC and after that MC. Every time he deflected I brought it back to where it belonged - You brought this to our door so suck it up buttercup. We had a long marriage before his 1 night stand & I decided to try. I gave him a gift - my decision not his, he had no say if he wanted the family do the work.

That sounds like way too much aggravation and bitterness and work for me to put into a cheater. Going around telling everyone. Sending a card to the other woman’s husband. For what? What does that accomplish? I know everyone deals with things differently.

I just left my ex husband instead. No reaction is sometimes the best reaction. I believe that living well is the best revenge. I left the bitterness and anger behind instead. Today I have a great guy by my side and we’re living a great life. I know that bothers my ex more than anything I could’ve said or done.

I still stand by my guns of don’t tell anyone if you plan on staying. Married business is married people business. Not for outsiders to know.

I do agree that if he cheated so early on in a relationship that’s a really bad sign.

 

[wildride]

That sounds like way too much aggravation and bitterness and work for me to put into a cheater. Going around telling everyone. Sending a card to the other woman’s husband. For what? What does that accomplish?

I just left my ex husband instead. No reaction is sometimes the best reaction. I believe that living well is the best revenge. I left the bitterness and anger behind instead. Today I have a great guy by my side and we’re living a great life. I know that bothers my ex more than anything I could’ve done.

I did all that in the first 3 days, never sent the card, the initial fury burnt off. It accomplished what I NEEDED and noone else. You can judge by your standards mine appear to be different. I am living very well and very happy see I had a DH who did the work, who was not only sorry but remorseful. I have no bitterness or resentment now, I fought for my marriage and we won. Some cut & run, some stay & fight but neither need to be judged by the others decision. BTW that's how you come off very judgy.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I did all that in the first 3 days, never sent the card, the initial fury burnt off. It accomplished what I NEEDED and noone else. You can judge by your standards mine appear to be different. I am living very well and very happy see I had a DH who did the work, who was not only sorry but remorseful. I have no bitterness or resentment now, I fought for my marriage and we won. Some cut & run, some stay & fight but neither need to be judged by the others decision. BTW that's how you come off very judgy.

Not judging. Just trying to understand. I know people who have overcome cheating and end up doing great. My ex wasn’t the working on a marriage type so there was no point in me staying. Among other crap he did. I Should’ve left sooner! I have a friend who’s husband recently cheated after 2.5 years of marriage. More than once. She decided to make it work. I agree with you that 2 years of marriage is way too early for the cheating.

 

[wildride]

Not judging. Just trying to understand. I know people who have overcome cheating and end up doing great. My ex wasn’t the working on a marriage type so there was no point in me staying. Among other crap he did. I Should’ve left sooner! I have a friend who’s husband recently cheated after 2.5 years of marriage. More than once. She decided to make it work. I agree with you that 2 years of marriage is way too early for the cheating.

Only the betrayed knows if the spouse is capable of the work, seems your decision was right for you.

Yeah 2 years I would have beat feet. I won't say I got lucky - he got lucky - he read, he did IC, he tried to absorb every reason for why he thought this was ok. Please don't think I rolled over, you can't do that when someone reaches into your chest, rips out your heart & runs it over. That's how I tell people it felt. It took a long time for me to not trust but verify. He out a GPS in his car, facetimed when he arrived at work & when he left. 10 years later(it took 4 or 5 to heal) we have a great life & maybe a stronger bond, cause he knows if he ever did it again he be missing an appendage ME!

 

[ronandannette]

Not judging. Just trying to understand. I know people who have overcome cheating and end up doing great. My ex wasn’t the working on a marriage type so there was no point in me staying. Among other crap he did. I Should’ve left sooner! I have a friend who’s husband recently cheated after 2.5 years of marriage. More than once. She decided to make it work. I agree with you that 2 years of marriage is way too early for the cheating.

Your initial point very astutely mentioned how much easier it would likely be to work things out without the full scrutiny of everybody knowing. I agreed completely. I'm sitting here trying to imagine how I'd stay objective towards the partner of my son or daughter through a process like this. I honestly don't think I could do it and as hard as I would try to not interfere, my opinion of that person would be tainted forever.

 

[Silver saucer]

I got divorced and it was a shock to everyone because I never aired my business. We were married and it was our business. Even after I left I said very little.

Do what makes you happy OP. Good luck.

This is exactly what I did. Everyone was shocked when I divorced my ex and moved out of the country for the next 20 years. I didn't think I had it in me but I found the strength.

Im so sorry you are in this position OP. You have been given some great advice. Good luck to you and stay safe!

 

[nkereina]

Please do assume those giving advice have not been through it, you don't know that. They may have PM'd her also. fferent.

I never assumed people here giving advice have never been through it. I'm sure some have, but I'm sure some have not. My point is that I don't think its advisable to take the advice of ones who have not been through it because a person truly cannot relate unless they have been in the situation, no matter how well intended their advice is.

I handled it very differently because only mushroom and compost grow in the dark, not settling for either. I told EVERYONE, and I do mean everyone. An affair cannot live in the light of day. And be damned if they treat him differently, actions have consequences. Welcome to reality. Hell I even told the lady at the Hallmark store. She asked what kind of card I was looking for? Oh the kind where you tell her husband that she was sleeping with my husband. Do you have those? More jaws dropped than I have ever seen. I DID NOTHING WRONG and I will not suffer in silence to spare his wittle feelings.

Again, to reiterate my last post that you quoted, everyone will handle it differently. I'm glad this worked for you but it does not mean it will work for OP.

I usually say wait 6 months before making a decision but this is different. I told her to cut & run because she is less than 2 years into the marriage.

I think its in bad taste to tell OP what to do one way or the other. We don't know OP from Adam, and all we know of her situation is what she's chosen to post on a Disney forum. Only OP can and should come to a decision as serious as ending the marriage. I think its better for OP to hear advice and various experiences on how to process all this, so that she understands what she's feeling is normal and can have a sense of what's to come. But opinions on whether to stay or leave can't possibly be formed based on what we know, nor is it helpful to OP.

Also, I'm not sure what the length of time her marriage has to do with it. That doesn't mean its not worth saving, if that's what she chooses.

Your initial point very astutely mentioned how much easier it would likely be to work things out without the full scrutiny of everybody knowing. I agreed completely. I'm sitting here trying to imagine how I'd stay objective towards the partner of my son or daughter through a process like this. I honestly don't think I could do it and as hard as I would try to not interfere, my opinion of that person would be tainted forever.

This, exactly.

When the same thing happened to me, I had to take a step back and collect my thoughts. I had to stop myself from reacting angrily and telling the world because I knew it would do more harm than good if I ever wanted some semblance of normalcy again. I had to think of the larger picture - if we were going to make it past this, I would not be able to tell my friends and family. Happy hours, BBQs, family vacations, Sunday family dinners would be a thing of the past because they would never look at him the same again. Even if they all reconciled it, I knew it would be in the back of my mind that his actions were in the back of theirs. We ultimately ended up going our separate ways a few years later for matters unrelated, but we did end up lasting for a while after and only one person ever knew what happened, and it was because she had been through it as well.

Again, this is not the solution for everyone but its an approach for OP to consider. Only OP knows what the fallout would be of sharing the details with everyone or not, and how it would make her feel with others knowing or not.

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

I would never tell somebody like this person what to do! But some people just have to do that. No wonder she isn’t on here any more. Anyhow there has been good comments like to take some time to step back from him and maybe talk to someone maybe counseling so she can figure out what is really going on and decide what is the best thing for her to do. All the arguing here can’t be helping! This is about her. Not about other people here.

 

[smokeyblue]

I would never tell somebody like this person what to do! But some people just have to do that. No wonder she isn’t on here any more. Anyhow there has been good comments like to take some time to step back from him and maybe talk to someone maybe counseling so she can figure out what is really going on and decide what is the best thing for her to do. All the arguing here can’t be helping! This is about her. Not about other people here.

This post is entirely lacking in self-awareness. You came here and picked a fight with multiple posters, wrongly called a long-time poster judgmental, went on to judge just about everyone else in the thread and claim you would never tell someone like OP what to do, but you certainly have and you say this is all about OP, but you've gone and made this all about yourself, your experience and how you are right and everyone is wrong. Have I missed anything else?

 

[TipsyTraveler]

This post is entirely lacking in self-awareness. You came here and picked a fight with multiple posters, wrongly called a long-time poster judgmental, went on to judge just about everyone else in the thread and claim you would never tell someone like OP what to do, but you certainly have and you say this is all about OP, but you've gone and made this all about yourself, your experience and how you are right and everyone is wrong. Have I missed anything else?

Yeah, red flags.

 

[Allison]

I would never tell somebody like this person what to do!

Except you have several times including in the post where you made this comment.

 

[GreatLakes]

At some point you have to accept the fact that the only constant in all your failed relationships is you. It was painfully obvious from the start this relationship was a mistake and many others told the OP so.

This guy was a scorpion, no point being surprised when the scorpion does what the scorpion is always going to do. Just consider this a pre-separation.

In case anyone wants to see what this locomotive looked like before the train wreck:

https://www.disboards.com/threads/steps-in-relationships-when-to-move-to-another-level.3555120/

 

[theSurlyMermaid]

At some point you have to accept the fact that the only constant in all your failed relationships is you. It was painfully obvious from the start this relationship was a mistake and many others told the OP so.

This guy was a scorpion, no point being surprised when the scorpion does what the scorpion is always going to do. Just consider this a pre-separation.

In case anyone wants to see what this locomotive looked like before the train wreck:

https://www.disboards.com/threads/steps-in-relationships-when-to-move-to-another-level.3555120/

There were several other threads but this one is the one that really shows this situation in all it’s dysfunction. By the end of it, many posters weren’t even convinced it was possible this could even be real. And not a single one thought it was a good idea. Forget the whole “don’t listen to strangers on the Internet” thing, which is generally advice I agree with. NO ONE thought this was a good situation and he was a good catch.