I Feel As If My World Has Collapsed

[mi*vida*loca]

She lives about an hour or so away. He has been to that town by himself at least once that I can remember. A couple times with others, (or at least he told me he went w/friends he could have been making that up). I've always blindly given him the benefit of the doubt. Seeing that name on the caller ID on the car screen, and seeing the way he scrambled to get that off the screen as quickly as possible that time not long ago. It had bugged me, but I dismissed it as my own overreacting. If she is an old friend, I surely have never heard him talk about her before. From what I saw on Facebook she doesn't even look like his type. She is younger and looks like somebody who "dances" for a living. If he met her in such a club, that would make me even more angry. That is just speculation on my part though.

I had never heard of lovebombing before, it's interesting to read some articles.

He may have met her on a dating app.

 

[Dole_whip_doll]

I’m sorry you are having this experience.

You are an awesome woman, person and human being. You didn’t do anything to cause this. Neither did your appearance or personality. Know that you are a smart and beautiful human being.

I could never ever even think about trusting someone again. I say call the divorce lawyer and get things in action.

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

I just went and found a couple of good videos about this stuff like lovebombing. Which of course, is like a blitz, never slowing down. hit, hit, hit. and this is also a way that these people use to Hoover. It is like a control thing. There is no backing off to give the other person a chance.
Here:

And this...

 

[NYCgrrl]

Or is this a time to do some serious consideration about my future.

Yes whether you choose to forgive him or not. Not my place to say more than that since the two of you know the dynamics of your relationship better than anyone else.

 

[wildride]

Love bombing? Is this something new?

I’ve never texted anyone that many times in a day.

I hope she works and is not dependent on him.

no it’s been a term years, in a nutshell the cheater(and I agree it is abuse). Says everything he thinks the betrayed wants to multiple times a day, hour, week until it almost brainwashes them to comeback to their of thinking. Betrayed thinks all is good, cheater gets the all clear rugsweep & boom right back into the old behavior.

She lives about an hour or so away. He has been to that town by himself at least once that I can remember. A couple times with others, (or at least he told me he went w/friends he could have been making that up). I've always blindly given him the benefit of the doubt. Seeing that name on the caller ID on the car screen, and seeing the way he scrambled to get that off the screen as quickly as possible that time not long ago. It had bugged me, but I dismissed it as my own overreacting. If she is an old friend, I surely have never heard him talk about her before. From what I saw on Facebook she doesn't even look like his type. She is younger and looks like somebody who "dances" for a living. If he met her in such a club, that would make me even more angry. That is just speculation on my part though.[

I had never heard of lovebombing before, it's interesting to read some articles.

if she is that close gonna bet it was also a physical affair. Adults that close don’t just sext.

my advice demand a polygraph, if he agrees. Call it. You don’t really have to make one just tell him it is a scheduled On the alleged day drive to the parking lot and watch what happens. More parking lot confessions happen when cheater thinks he is cornered.

 

[PRINCESS Sweet Pea]

Yes, definitely look at what you really want for your future and how you got to where you are at. This is some time for some real thinking. I hate to read when you post words like you comfort him, and you thinking you are just overreacting and stuff like that. It all seems to be about going along with him and giving him the benefit of the doubt while you are second guessing and doubting yourself.

 

[wildride]

Oh no more benefit of the doubt. All his phone/media needs to be open to you. All his passwords should be given.
Oh by the way:
LYING CHEATERS LIE!!!!!! Believe nothing he deserves no trust he broke it.

 

[holden]

I totally agree with the others who said to lawyer up and start making a list of all of your assets, even if you wind up reconciling.

A friend of mine is going through a terrible divorce. She didn't get a lawyer until late in the game and now she's not getting all that she should. She supported him while he went to medical school and now he's taking most of the money. They were married for 20+ years.

Do it very quietly. Don't give him a clue. Find the best divorce lawyer in your area. Ask close, trustworthy friends - they might know someone who has gone through this. If you have to find one on your own, ask for references and check them. Make sure you have someone who has your best interests in mind.

 

[2China2009]

The strange thing is, we have never really fought before. In the years we have been together, never once has either of us even raised our voice to the other. I thought everything was great, I was blindsided by this.

Before you do anything make sure your finances are secure. Do you work? Are your accounts shared accounts? Do you have access to all the financials? Would he that kind of person to clear accounts if you told him to leave. You need to protect yourself so if this ends in divorce you are not the next person living in the streets. I know this might sound harsh, but it it reality. Are there kids involved? Would you get proceeds to the house? Could you afford to stay in the house and support yourself? Do you have to worry about medical insurance? I know everyone says seek counseling, but in my opinion it never worked for us. He had been gambling since he was 15 years old. Different situations, but I paid off a lot of debt b/c of him and that was 20 years ago.

 

[texaslover]

I'm so sorry. I understand your hurt and disappointment as well as your confusion.

The only thing I want to say is do not let him gaslight you into thinking it is somehow your fault or "not that bad". It's so hard but ask for the truth and get all the facts. Your marriage has changed and it will not ever be the same. Don't feel the need to go back to normal and let him sweep it under the rug.

If you get all the info and decide to stay with him make him go to couples therapy. If you are thinking about divorce get the monetary ducks in a row before you move forward.

From experience it is better to rip off the bandaid and know everything so you can make a good decision for YOU! Continuing to get info trickled in for months and months only prolongs the inevitable and makes you miserable.

And don't worry about how many marriages, relationships, boyfriends you have had. If you have been married 100 times you still don't deserve to be cheated on and marginalized. You can change the way you choose a man in the future, don't stay just because he's number 2, 22, or 220.

 

[Kitty 34]

Just want to say sorry, Kathy.

 

[TLSnell1981]

You are very likely getting the sanitized version...an attempt at damage control. If there wasn't anything there I doubt he'd confess.

 

[low-key]

Im sorry ,but your world has not collapsed , you will be ok with or with out him

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Before you do anything make sure your finances are secure. Do you work? Are your accounts shared accounts? Do you have access to all the financials? Would he that kind of person to clear accounts if you told him to leave. You need to protect yourself so if this ends in divorce you are not the next person living in the streets. I know this might sound harsh, but it it reality. Are there kids involved? Would you get proceeds to the house? Could you afford to stay in the house and support yourself? Do you have to worry about medical insurance? I know everyone says seek counseling, but in my opinion it never worked for us. He had been gambling since he was 15 years old. Different situations, but I paid off a lot of debt b/c of him and that was 20 years ago.

Well we have only been married for 2 years. We do not have any joint accounts. We never "merged" that stuff. The only kids involved are his, I am just stepmom and they are older. We owe so much on the house that if it is sold neither one of us would probably get much of anything extra to pocket. We have only had the house for 3 years so we don't have much equity. I do not think either one of us could afford to keep the house ourselves, it would have to be sold. We each have our own jobs and own insurance. I could afford to live on my own in an apartment. I guess I would survive on my own. I would be right back where I was before I met him.

 

[wildride]

After 2 years you should in a honeymoon phase. How long has he been cheating?
I don’t usually say cut & run but cut & run.

If he cheats this early in a marriage, he’ll keep doing it. He sounds like a serial cheater.

 

[la79al]

At some point in the next few days, you will have to decide if you can forgive (but not forget). If you can not accept whatever story he gives you and forgive him, it will keep coming up in your marriage and your marriage will fail after you have given it more years of your life.

 

[terri01p]

When trust is broken it is a very long tough road to get it back on track. Don't be afraid to move on , usually if someone is sending pictures , most times there is something else going on too. If you can financially support yourself , just leave and make him jump though every hoop you have out there if he wants you back and if you want to go back. FYI he could blow up my phone 24 / 7 and I would not even open a text, I would be apartment hunting, focusing on me. Not sure I would even try to speak to the other female she will just lie to you and then run to your husband telling him everything, not sure it's worth it. Good luck and God speed.

 

[focusondisney]

I could afford to live on my own in an apartment. I guess I would survive on my own. I would be right back where I was before I met him.

I remember all the posts about your previous marriage drama too. Living on your own & learning to survive without a man would probably be the best move you could make. And don’t be in any hurry to find the next man.

 

[disneychrista]

I guess I would survive on my own.

I bet you could/would THRIVE on your own. You just need to take some time and get YOU back. That is exactly what I am doing after going from one bad relationship to another one.

 

[smokeyblue]

This is so much to unpack. I too remember your old posts. You don't deserve any of this. You are enough. You deserve to be treated with respect and love. You don't deserve to be lied to, manipulated and cheated on or made to think that you are to blame for your husbands conduct.

Above all of this, you need to respect yourself. You sound very co-dependent. You enable this behavior. You need to accept that you have played this role and do something to stop it. I can't help but think the best thing would be to end this marriage and be on your own. Therapy is a must and no relationships until you have worked through your issues.