WWYD...Sister's Wedding

[Scurvy]

OP, I really can understand why you are feeling hurt. I probably would have taken it a little bit personally if my son hadn't been included in my sister's wedding. But I think you are too focused on looking at this only from your point of view and you aren't considering the bride and groom's points of view.

(there is only 1 other niece/nephew-others would be cousins/friends so different in my book).

I told my mother & later my sister that I was really upset by this & didn't think it was right that she be the only family member not included. There was no yelling, arguing etc. I stated my feelings and my reasoning behind it that was it.

I DO NOT plan on attending the wedding to bash, crash or grind any ax. I personally don't think I will be attending because I feel so strongly that my daughter is an equal member of our family and should be included.

I'm really confused by the quotes above. In one, you say your daughter would be the only family member not included. In the other, you say there is another niece or nephew and some cousins. Aren't they family, too? I see that cousins are different in your book, but maybe they aren't different in the bride or groom's book. And maybe they really don't want to include the other niece/nephew and so they feel it would not be appropriate to include your daughter while excluding the other child. Maybe they think your daughter, the other niece/nephew and even the cousins are all equal members of the family - but they still are having an adults-only party, so that's the only reason the kids aren't included. It has nothing to do with them not being "equal" and everything to do with them not being adults. Just like your husband is probably an equal member of the family, but wouldn't be invited to a women-only shower. Some events are intended for particular groups of people, and those who aren't in those particular groups won't be included even if the hosts like them even more than some of the people who are included.

And 'choosing' your daughter over your sis?? Over a 9 year old not being invited to an adult reception? My goodness, if my kids ever felt that I was choosing someone else over them for attending an adult event - well, let's just say that it's likely a good thing that they realize that the world doesn't revolve around them -especially for someone else's wedding! My kids know I would never choose anyone else over them....but attending an adult reception does not fall inot that category IMO and in theirs either.

I'm also not getting the "choosing one person over another" aspect of this. I don't understand why there's a choice at all. If I went to an adults-only function without my son, it would never occur to him that I was choosing the host over him, or even choosing the function over him. He knows that there are some things that are for adults and not kids. If I told him someone's reception was for adults only, he'd take that at face value and understand that he wasn't being included because he wasn't an adult yet. No drama, no hurt feelings.

In my opinion, the bride is making an effort to make her niece feel included in the important part of the day. No one needs a child to hand out booklets at their wedding. Most people either leave them in a basket for people to take or they have an adult hand them out. I assume she wants her niece to do that at her wedding because she wants to include the child in her wedding day. She wants the child to be present when she gets married. I think that's a very nice thing for her to do. The fact that she is throwing an adults-only party afterward shouldn't negate the fact that she is including the child in the wedding.

 

[OwlDisneyGirl]

I think there have been some great posts and debate on this (maybe even opening up some people to the point of view of others).

That being said, you asked your sister and she said no. I'm sure you're upset and no one can say you can't be upset (whether they feel you should be or not is another story, but no one can say you can't feel one way or another).

I asked my DD (just turned 9) questions about this: 1) If she wasn't invited to a wedding of her aunt, because aunt didn't want kids there would she be upset, and she started to get weepy and said of course. 2) I then said, well DD, it's an adult only party. You could then go and help at the ceremony, but the reception is just for adults. At this she said, "Oh, okay, so it's like a date. I'd be okay then." I then asked if I should not attend because she wasn't invited - she looked at me with huge eyes like why would I ever do that! She said "Mommy, you HAVE to go to your sister's wedding!!"

My point is, yes, your daughter will know she's missing out, but parents really can help "frame" situations. Her level of sadness and disappointment can be somewhat managed by how it's framed for her.

We may not always agree with family, and don't always have to abide by what they want (you are free to not attend, that is a valid choice), but we all have our views and you won't change hers and she won't change yours.

So the decision here is what will you regret 20 years from now? I don't know what that would be for you. For me, it would be missing my sister's wedding. If for you it would be attending without your daughter, then there's your answer.

 

[carrie1626]

What's important:

honoring your sister's wishes
this is her wedding, her call

 

[hsmamato2]

At this point I am ready to cut ties if they believe that my daughter is not family enough to attend the reception.
and in my eyes if she is good enough for one she is good enough for the other.

WOW I am sorry you feel wounded,but you are willing to ruin an entire future of loving family (however imperfect) gatherings over an invitation?!?
This is is one small moment in the landscape of your lives- frankly,if your dd gets all upset over this,then I would have to say it's due to your own hysterics. I'm sorry,I love being around kids,especially relatives, but this ISN'T YOUR PARTY. Nothing about this situation is remotely about YOU. It is about your sister getting married,and choosing who will and won't be invited.
Why are you making such a mountain out of this molehill?
I have kids of my own,but having kids does NOT mean they are welcome everywhere we go. Even by their own beloved family members. It happens,and it doesn't mean they don't love her. Have you ever considered the thought that the problem is not with them,but with you?
I'm thinking the 'oh,she can feel included by handing out junk at the ceremony' stuff arose b/c of your inability to understand that she's a loved member of the family,but she ISN'T INVITED. Perhaps they thought that might stop your ongoing anger at their choices. apparently they were wrong.
IMHO, you should stop trying to make this about you,and just attend with your SO and have a good time. end of story.

 

[krcit]

I think there have been some great posts and debate on this (maybe even opening up some people to the point of view of others).

That being said, you asked your sister and she said no. I'm sure you're upset and no one can say you can't be upset (whether they feel you should be or not is another story, but no one can say you can't feel one way or another).

I asked my DD (just turned 9) questions about this: 1) If she wasn't invited to a wedding of her aunt, because aunt didn't want kids there would she be upset, and she started to get weepy and said of course. 2) I then said, well DD, it's an adult only party. You could then go and help at the ceremony, but the reception is just for adults. At this she said, "Oh, okay, so it's like a date. I'd be okay then." I then asked if I should not attend because she wasn't invited - she looked at me with huge eyes like why would I ever do that! She said "Mommy, you HAVE to go to your sister's wedding!!"

My point is, yes, your daughter will know she's missing out, but parents really can help "frame" situations. Her level of sadness and disappointment can be somewhat managed by how it's framed for her.

We may not always agree with family, and don't always have to abide by what they want (you are free to not attend, that is a valid choice), but we all have our views and you won't change hers and she won't change yours.

So the decision here is what will you regret 20 years from now? I don't know what that would be for you. For me, it would be missing my sister's wedding. If for you it would be attending without your daughter, then there's your answer.

 

[hsmamato2]

So if I could do it all over again I would just respect my S-I-L wishes even if they weren't the same as mine. A wedding day is just that....only a day. It's not worth ruining the days after that.

well said!

 

[TwinsinCA]

I'm also not getting the "choosing one person over another" aspect of this.

The OP stated her daughter is going to be hurt by being excluded from the reception. She is 9 and not some toddler who would be oblivious that she was not invited. OP's sister is likely going to be hurt that the OP would miss her wedding. OP has to choose who she is willing to hurt.

If *I* am weighing the hurt feelings of my daughter and my sister -- my daughter will win. I am "choosing" her. She is my child vs. my sibling. She is a child vs. an adult.

 

[clutter]

I have a warped perspective on this. Or, I should say, my dd13 does. She'd rather walk over nails than go to an adult-only wedding reception. Any reception, actually. I think OwlDisneyGirl wrote it right, it's all in how you frame it to the child.

 

[Scurvy]

The OP stated her daughter is going to be hurt by being excluded from the reception. She is 9 and not some toddler who would be oblivious that she was not invited. OP's sister is likely going to be hurt that the OP would miss her wedding. OP has to choose who she is willing to hurt.

If *I* am weighing the hurt feelings of my daughter and my sister -- my daughter will win. I am "choosing" her. She is my child vs. my sibling. She is a child vs. an adult.

I can understand why you might choose to hurt your sister rather than your child. I just don't understand why that's an issue in this case. You say the OP's daughter is 9 and not some toddler who would be oblivious to not being invited. That means she's also old enough to understand the difference between "adults-only" events and "family friendly" events. My teenage son might be disappointed to learn that an event he wanted to attend was adults-only, but he wouldn't be hurt. It wouldn't occur to him to take it personally, because he understands that some events are intended for only adults rather than the whole family. Being excluded from an adults-only event isn't going to make him feel like he isn't an equal member of the family, it's just going to make him feel like he isn't an adult yet. Which is fine, because he isn't! In fact we've gone to several things without him that we knew he would have enjoyed had he been included, because they were for adults only, and he wasn't hurt at all. He knows he will always be included in anything we think he might enjoy that is family friendly, and that once he's an adult he'll be included in adults-only events as well.

The OP's sister is including her niece in the wedding, just not in the adults-only party afterward. I think most children would understand that, unless their parents have always included them in everything they've done in the past.

 

[mapmakerj]

OP, I understand completely why you are upset. I had the same thing happen when my only brother got married, only it was worse. His "bridezilla" was insane over everything to the point she had two bridesmaids drop out of the wedding! First thing she requested was no children at the wedding. My DS was 7 and the only kid on my brother's side of the family. Then she decided it was ok at the wedding but not the reception. Then she called and told me she had two jobs open in the wedding-reader or personal attendant-and asked which one I wanted. Never even asked me to be a part of the wedding, just asked which job I wanted! I declined, of course. My DH was my brother's bestman and my only sister was a bridesmaid but I was relegated to taking a leftover job if I wanted it. I was always very nice to the bride too. I was hurt on both accounts but I did take DS to the ceremony and we sat in the back and slipped out before we could be noticed. My DM said everyone wondered where me and DS were for pictures and why we weren't in the wedding. Well I couldn't find a babysitter because everyone I knew was at the reception, so DS and I had a movie night planned. About 2 hrs. into the reception, my brother calls. He said everyone kept asked where his other sister and nephew were and why they were not at the reception. He then said he talked to his new wife and we were now welcome to come to the reception! I guess she must have gotten tired of all the questions as to where her husbands only nephew was. Her nieces and nephews were invited because they were "pre-teens" and teens, so they were close enough to adults. I told my brother to enjoy his special day but we were not driving 30 miles to a reception DS was not invited to in the first place. He told me that he was really sorry that we would not be there and that he really missed seeing us. I said I am sorry too, but if he felt that way he should have talked to his "bridezilla" when she was making all the plans without him, after all, it was his day too!. I told him I loved him and that was that. We all still see each other and his wife calls me all the time. It didn't ruin any family time because I didn't participate in the wedding or attend the reception. Do what you feel comfortable doing and don't let anyone (daughter, sister etc.) make you feel bad for what ever you decide.

 

[Gr8t Fan]

OP, there's so much more going on here than your daughter not being invited to your sister's wedding. You cite a litany of complaints and preceived slights going back many years. You are entitled to your opinion, as she is entitled to hers, and I am entitled to mine.

You asked for it, so here it is: I understand that you're hurt, but I think you are using your daughter as a pawn to avenge all of the past slights that you've endured over the years. People here have made legitimate points, both for you and agaisnt you, and you always come back to some event that's happened in the past to fortify your position. Let the past go and make your decision without letting it cloud your thoughts.

I've been to family weddings where there were no children, where some children were invited but not mine, and where my children were invited. It never occurred to me to question to "motives" of the bride and groom, but simply to accept or decline the invitation based on availability and access to a babysitter.

This will be a big deal to your daughter if you make it a big deal.

I asked my DD (just turned 9) questions about this: 1) If she wasn't invited to a wedding of her aunt, because aunt didn't want kids there would she be upset, and she started to get weepy and said of course. 2) I then said, well DD, it's an adult only party. You could then go and help at the ceremony, but the reception is just for adults. At this she said, "Oh, okay, so it's like a date. I'd be okay then." I then asked if I should not attend because she wasn't invited - she looked at me with huge eyes like why would I ever do that! She said "Mommy, you HAVE to go to your sister's wedding!!"

My point is, yes, your daughter will know she's missing out, but parents really can help "frame" situations. Her level of sadness and disappointment can be somewhat managed by how it's framed for her.

We may not always agree with family, and don't always have to abide by what they want (you are free to not attend, that is a valid choice), but we all have our views and you won't change hers and she won't change yours.

So the decision here is what will you regret 20 years from now? I don't know what that would be for you. For me, it would be missing my sister's wedding. If for you it would be attending without your daughter, then there's your answer.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I can understand why you might choose to hurt your sister rather than your child. I just don't understand why that's an issue in this case.

Because the OP views weddings as family events. So to her it is not worth hurting her daughter for something she doesn't even agree with.

There are events at which children don't belong. They don't belong at office cocktail parties. The problem with weddings is that many times they ARE included, so when they aren't, it can be seen as a very deliberate slight. Most other adult only events are not also family events. They are not talked about for months and even years in advance. There isn't planning and discussion and dress fittings and on and on. They don't have to hear about this great family event only not to be invited. That is what sets it apart from other "adults only" events and why feelings are hurt when kids are left out. And that is why in THIS case the daughter is justified in being hurt and why the OP is justified in choosing her daughter's feelings over her sister's.

 

[mickeyfan1]

Why is the wedding about anyone other than the bride and groom? It is their wedding, they decided on no children at the reception. I have been to several weddings where children were invited and they got very much out of hand at the reception.

To the OP, IMO you are being very selfish, willing to ruin your relationship with a sister because she wants her wedding reception a certain way. Your DD is old enough to realize that she doesn't always get to participate, and seriously, it sounds like you are making it a whole lot more dramatic than it needs to be. When my oldest sister got married, my older sister and I were at the wedding ceremony, but we were not allowed at the recetion, I was 9 and my older sister was 11. We didn't get hurt, we were not scarred for life. It was my sister and her husbands choice to have no children at the reception. I can't imagine that anyone even noticed we were not at the party.

Weddings sure do bring out the worst in people, and for what? The bride and groom want to enjoy their day, they want to have things one way, and then family and friends decide it isn't right. Even people here are saying she is wrong. How dare ANYONE here say that? The bride and groom make the rules. Not the DIS. Not the sister of the bride, not the parents, even if they are paying, it is a day to celebrate, not fight.

OP, you certainly can choose to snub your sister and your family by not attending. Or you can tell your DD that sometimes parties are grown ups only. If she thows a hissy fit, to me that reflects feeling that have been impressed upon her. She isn't the star of the show, the bride is.

 

[Scurvy]

Because the OP views weddings as family events. So to her it is not worth hurting her daughter for something she doesn't even agree with.

There are events at which children don't belong. They don't belong at office cocktail parties. The problem with weddings is that many times they ARE included, so when they aren't, it can be seen as a very deliberate slight. Most other adult only events are not also family events. They are not talked about for months and even years in advance. There isn't planning and discussion and dress fittings and on and on. They don't have to hear about this great family event only not to be invited. That is what sets it apart from other "adults only" events and why feelings are hurt when kids are left out. And that is why in THIS case the daughter is justified in being hurt and why the OP is justified in choosing her daughter's feelings over her sister's.

Regarding the bolded, the OP views weddings and wedding receptions that way, but apparently her sister doesn't. Surely the OP can understand that not everyone views things the same way. In my opinion, that's also a valuable lesson that the OP could teach her child. Not everyone views wedding receptions as family friendly. Some wedding receptions are adults-only, and the OP's daughter shouldn't expect to be included in adults-only events.

As for the rest of your post, I can understand what you are saying, but I disagree. We often take our son to see a band that we all really like. He loves those concerts. My husband and I also go see them without him, because sometimes that band has adults-only shows. My son is perfectly able to understand that even though many of their concerts are family events, not all of them are. He doesn't hear much about the adults-only concerts simply because we choose not to discuss them much in front of him. The OP could treat this wedding that way, if she chose to. If she presented this as an adults only wedding reception and not something personal that is intended to specifically exclude her daughter (who she apparently views as the only "real" family member among all the kids excluded from the wedding) then chances are the daughter might be disappointed but not hurt.

I can tell, though, that we aren't going to come to a meeting of the minds on this, and that's okay. Clearly we view this situation very differently, and we should probably just agree to disagree.

 

[MrsPooh]

To me weddings are celebrations so at ours I wanted everyone to be invited and have fun. All children were invited.

My sister, however, wanted an adults only reception. Part of her reason was because she was having an expensive sit-down dinner and that was a way to limit cost. There were two children invited - my dd who was 3 at the time and her husband's niece who was 2. I cannot imagine a very close family member not be invited. Of course one person did bring a child who was not invited and had not rsvp'd and that girl was not well behaved.

I would not be upset if the family relationship was more distant but in the case of a sibling, niece/nephew or other close relationship I would not exclude the child.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

She is a very mature almost 8yr old right now & she knows exactly what she will be missing as she was just in the bridal party for my brother's wedding in February & attended both the church and reception and had a BLAST. She behaved beautifully and we received many compliments on her maturity and behavior.

For what it is worth & I am as entitled to my opinion as everyone else, I think it is wrong to exclude her due to the explaination that if they invite her it opens the door to having to invite children that are cousins friends etc. She is NOT a cousin, friend or aquaintance, she is her ONLY blood niece or nephew and her godchild to boot. She is immediate family and that to me is important. I am willing to dig in my heels over this and if it causes a rift then so be it. The fact that she is wanting me to have her participate in the church ceremony but not the reception is also not nice in my eyes. So my dd is good enough to participate in the free events but not the part that will cost her money?

I thank everyone for their opinions, however from hearing the arguments for my letting it go I am not compelled to do so. All of those in support due to the "child" aspect are sighting behavior issues with children under age 5...she will be 9. And yes, you are correct she is the bride and can do as she chooses, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree or go along with it. As it stands right now, I am declining to be in the bridal party & may or may not attend the wedding. (My Mom is the maid of honor & supposedly I was going to be asked to be a bridesmaid).

To me that seems to be extreme - not being with your sister at her wedding because your daughter can't come? I cannot even imagine.

I was one of the evil ones with no kids at the wedding - not even a ring bearer or flower girl.

For a lot of kids, a wedding is boring - I love the kids in my family and like them too much to subject them to an adult event.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

It is not the same at all. Here siter is trying to justify what I think is a selfish decision to tell people thier children are not welcome. She is trying to do what is right by her daughter by not attending an event she was excluded from. I personally think it is wrong and find it offensive to say that children are not welcome at a wedding. Marriage is the root of the family and that is what it should be about, not some big "adults only" blowout. I think telling people not to bring thier kids because you don't want to pay for thier spot or deal with their behavior is uacceptable. If you care about soemone enough to invite them to your wedding, you should care about thier kids too. Just the way I see it.

Her daughter is invited to the WEDDING!

So I think the OP just has an axe to grind.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

OP, you should just not go to the wedding.

There is obviously a lot of resentment towards your sister that has taken place over a number of years. It is her wedding and her day. She has the right to have her wedding how ever she wants. You are out of line on this one. Not to say there hasn't been fault on her part in the past but on this one you have to let it go-- she's in the right.

You have the right to not attend.
Just don't go. Why go and be miserable since there are so many hard feelings between you and she already?

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Why does everyone keep saying how terrible this is to do to the bride? It's her day she can have it her way etc. Well, she can have it any way that she would like that is true- however- an invitation is just that- an invite. Not a command performance. I totally side with the OP but even if I didn't I still think she can decide if she wants to go or not. Why is it okay if the OP's feelings are hurt bit God forbid little miss bride gets upset! The horror! Just because she wants her wedding a certain way and other people don't want to jump on that bandwagon doesn't make their feelings any less valid. What if the sister planned a destination wedding and the OP couldn't afford to go and her sister was mad? Same thing. You can plan what you want but that doesn't mean everyone has to do cartwheels over your decision.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Her daughter is invited to the WEDDING!

So I think the OP just has an axe to grind.

So the OP's kid is good enough to "work" the wedding but can't celebrate the event with the family? Sorry but that is Bridezilla trying to have a cute kid in her wedding photos.