WWYD...Sister's Wedding

[bwilcox]

She is a very mature almost 8yr old right now & she knows exactly what she will be missing as she was just in the bridal party for my brother's wedding in February & attended both the church and reception and had a BLAST. She behaved beautifully and we received many compliments on her maturity and behavior.

For what it is worth & I am as entitled to my opinion as everyone else, I think it is wrong to exclude her due to the explaination that if they invite her it opens the door to having to invite children that are cousins friends etc. She is NOT a cousin, friend or aquaintance, she is her ONLY blood niece or nephew and her godchild to boot. She is immediate family and that to me is important. I am willing to dig in my heels over this and if it causes a rift then so be it. The fact that she is wanting me to have her participate in the church ceremony but not the reception is also not nice in my eyes. So my dd is good enough to participate in the free events but not the part that will cost her money?

I thank everyone for their opinions, however from hearing the arguments for my letting it go I am not compelled to do so. All of those in support due to the "child" aspect are sighting behavior issues with children under age 5...she will be 9. And yes, you are correct she is the bride and can do as she chooses, but that doesn't mean that I have to agree or go along with it. As it stands right now, I am declining to be in the bridal party & may or may not attend the wedding. (My Mom is the maid of honor & supposedly I was going to be asked to be a bridesmaid).

If your daughter is as mature as you say she is, then she should understand that it is an "adults only" party. If you resent her participating in the wedding, then politely decline. But to "dig in my heels over this and if it causes a rift then so be it" is extremely selfish.

 

[bwilcox]

Ok I haven't read all 6 pages yet but I have had personal experience with this. A very good friend of my XH and his wife said "no children" on the wedding invite, since XH was in the wedding we went but I was not happy about the rule. I asked then H what they were doing with their OWN child and was told he didn't count because he was in the wedding. Ok, I can accept that, no worries. So we go to the wedding (which was beautiful and I was very happy to be there with them) and the reception and low and behold in the back room (at the reception) there are TONS OF KIDS!!!! I was so upset! I had to get someone to watch my 2 kids but others were allowed to bring their kids? I felt that was very unfair and I felt very insulted. We stayed for a while but as soon as XH's Mom & Step-Dad left I went with them, they gave me a ride home so XH could stay and party but I just didn't want to be away from the kids any longer. I never said anything to them, I just said I had the sitter until x time and I needed to go but I really felt insulted. My kids were not poorly behaved at all and had they gone to the ceremony I would have asked to be seated in the back so I could take them out if needed but they would have been fine through the ceremony, even at 12 and 3 they would have been great during the whole thing.

This is exactly why your sister should worry about inviting only your daughter, but no one else's.
OK, I had strong opinions about this issue due to people complaining about how I did my wedding, but I'm done now!

 

[woodkins]

I will also offer this piece of advice -- if you end up choosing to not go to your sister's wedding over this be prepared for a possible lifetime of estrangement. This is a huge decision and not one to be taken lightly. Maybe it is the right decision for you -- but I find it a bit odd that you were close enough to accept a MOH position in the first place, but now are willing to completely sever ties over your daughter not being invited to the reception.

My husband's father did not come to our wedding -- the stated reason was because he disagreed with my husband's decision to change his name upon marriage (we ended up using both of our last names, e.g., Smith Jones). Truthfully, however, there have been always issues bubbling under the surface between my husband and his father (as it seems like there is with your sister). Not coming to our wedding was the final straw that terminated my husband's relationship with his father forever. (They haven't seen each other for 10 years now.)

As I said, maybe you never won't to see your sister again, but just realize that is a likely consequence of your decision to pull out of the wedding at this point.

You misread-I NEVER was the MOH..MY MOTHER is the MOH. She told me I was a bridesmaid since I am her sister and it is the right thing to do (her words), and I never accepted.

 

[woodkins]

She's teaching her daughter that she, the daughter, comes first. That she is more important than anyone else, and that her feelings come before anyone else's.

Great lesson.

I am teaching her that family is supposed to be the most important thing to people...and by my sisters actions she is not a valued part of the family to be included.

 

[Duckiedee]

Woodkins,

What was your sister's reaction when you had a conversation about how this made you feel?

 

[woodkins]

Woodkins,

What was your sister's reaction when you had a conversation about how this made you feel?

She simply stated that this was the decision that had been made. No sorry, no reasoning behind it etc. My mother is the one who tried to justify it by costs (which I offered to pay for her seat), then by if dd is included it "opens the door" to having to invite other children (there is only 1 other niece/nephew-others would be cousins/friends so different in my book).

My sister is being a bit cold if you ask me. She missed my dd's communion because she was babysitting a neighbor's child. She never called dd that day or sent a card. A card was sent a month later after I mentioned to my mom that dd was hurt that my sister never acknowleged the communion. But she doesn't let me forget that last year we didn't call her on her birthday-we sent a card gift but didn't actually make the phone call to her.

 

[krcit]

Woodkins,

What was your sister's reaction when you had a conversation about how this made you feel?

 

[taitai]

Please do not go to this wedding. You clearly do not wish the bride and groom happiness. All you want to do is use it as a forum nurse old grudges regarding discrepancies in how you were treated growing up. It isn't the place.

It is her day. She is planning it as she wishes as is her right. Your daughter will have to learn that she will not be invited to every party. That there are disappointments in life and learning to deal with them makes us stronger.

Also, maybe to your sister family is not the most important thing. Clearly, it is to you, but your sister might value other things. Also, even if family is the most important thing, that does not mean that they have to be present for everything. The wedding is when the families are being joined. Your daughter is invited to that. The party is for grown ups and she is not invited to that. We have parties all the time in which children are NOT invited. Doesn't mean we don't LOVE our kids. It means that this is an adult event.

Really, please don't go. No one should go to a wedding with an ax to grind with the bride. It just is incredibly juvenile.

 

[Duckiedee]

Sounds like she was cold choosing not to have a conversation after knowing you weren't planning to come due to the circumstances.

Odd. But at least with that - you know it won't start WWIII in your family since that was her reaction.

 

[kacaju]

She simply stated that this was the decision that had been made. No sorry, no reasoning behind it etc. My mother is the one who tried to justify it by costs (which I offered to pay for her seat), then by if dd is included it "opens the door" to having to invite other children (there is only 1 other niece/nephew-others would be cousins/friends so different in my book).

Your sister told you no kids. Period, end of story.
She does not owe you any explaination as to why she doesn't want kids there. She does not owe you or your dd an apology.
YOU (IMO) owe her an apology for acting like a child yourself by insisting that your dd must be there.
Your Mom is trying to be nice and come up with excuses in which you shot them all down and keep saying it is *different*

The Church is where the wedding is...(sorry, Pre cana person here) not the reception. Your daughter IS invited to the Sacrament of Marriage...this is where the importance of the day is. The reception is just a big party to celebrate after the wedding. What is the big deal?? There will be only adults there.

As you post more, more is coming out about the resentment you have for your sister. Get over it. Either suck it up and go to the wedding only with your family. Take your dd to the wedding and go to the reception with dh or all of you stay home.

My sil made my wedding planning miserable because I would not give in to her demands (#1 being to change the wedding date because that date was not a good date for her. Personal stuff, but bottom line is something bad happened on that date and we were not told until a month into planning the wedding)

 

[woodkins]

Okay for the record...I did not argue or fight with anyone. I asked how the wedding plans were going & in conversation I told my mother that my dd had found a cute dress for the wedding on the clearance rack at a local store and was told..Oh she is not invited so don't bother buying it. I told my mother & later my sister that I was really upset by this & didn't think it was right that she be the only family member not included. There was no yelling, arguing etc. I stated my feelings and my reasoning behind it that was it.

I DO NOT plan on attending the wedding to bash, crash or grind any ax. I personally don't think I will be attending because I feel so strongly that my daughter is an equal member of our family and should be included. My sister was 12 years old when I got married and I had her as my maid of honor & she was invited to both the wedding ceremony & reception even though she was "a child". If I do end up going it will be as a guest and I will conduct myself as a lady. I think some posters are hanging out on the Real Housewives thread too much....I am not planning on having a smackdown, or flipping any table.

I started the thread to ask people what they would feel and do if they were in my position...that was all.

 

[princessmom29]

My husband's cousin did `this and frankly, I was not too happy. I considered it a slap in the face. There were no kids in thier family at the time that libed anywhere close, and until they had kids I din't feel that my child was welcome at any function they had. Their mother nad DH's mother are sisters and live next door to each other. We would frequently have holiday meals at their house and I almost always ended up leaving early with DD becuase, it was as if she were a big inconvinence to everyone. I could see it if she was a pill, poorly behaved ect, but she is a good, quiet, calm kid that I wouldn't hesitate to take anywhere. They were just what I like to call "not set up for children." Mine was the only child within the family excluded by the rule. Her sister's 2 were in the wedding, and of course invited. I really think they didn't realize that at 4 she was cognizant enough to know she was being excluded, and to feel bad about it. I don't think they thought about the fact that we would have to leave her with my mom 200 miles from where the wedding was to be able to attend as all our sitters were also attending the wedding. I honestly don't think people woh do this realize how hard it is on parents. Now that all 3 of them have small children things have drastically changed. Kids are now included in everything.

 

[acejka]

I would hire a sitter and enjoy the time out with my husband for the night. It's one night, its her wedding, her "rules". If she lets your kids come, she might feel the pressure to bend her "rule" for soandso's kids to come too. I would respect my sister enough to let her have her day the way she wants to. (not saying that you don't respect her though!)

 

[woodkins]

I would hire a sitter and enjoy the time out with my husband for the night. It's one night, its her wedding, her "rules". If she lets your kids come, she might feel the pressure to bend her "rule" for soandso's kids to come too. I would respect my sister enough to let her have her day the way she wants to. (not saying that you don't respect her though!)

No pressure..it is 1 kid (2 if his nephew is included-they will be 9 & 12). The answer to anyone else is nieces & nephews only...sorry.

 

[princessmom29]

Maybe so...

Why is it okay for you to make a decision (skipping the wedding, which will hurt your sister) in order to solve a problem for you (my daughter was not invited and is sad)...
But it is not okay for your sister to make a decision (no children allowed at the reception, which hurt you) in order to solve a problem for her (how to tell everyone else not to bring their kids)??
Two wrongs don't make a right. Skipping the wedding is not going to make you or your daughter feel better, it's just sharing your pain with your sister and possibly the rest of your extended family.

I have a sister getting married this month. She has made several decisions that I didn't agree with. She made a couple comments that I actually found hurtful (and one related specifically to my daughter), but I know she didn't intend to hurt me. We don't think or look at things the same way. I will be at her wedding and the reception with a smile on my face, happy that she has found a great guy to share her life and children with, after a lousy first marriage. That's what her wedding day is about, not whether or not she hurt my feelings, or who she chose to invite.

It is not the same at all. Here siter is trying to justify what I think is a selfish decision to tell people thier children are not welcome. She is trying to do what is right by her daughter by not attending an event she was excluded from. I personally think it is wrong and find it offensive to say that children are not welcome at a wedding. Marriage is the root of the family and that is what it should be about, not some big "adults only" blowout. I think telling people not to bring thier kids because you don't want to pay for thier spot or deal with their behavior is uacceptable. If you care about soemone enough to invite them to your wedding, you should care about thier kids too. Just the way I see it.

 

[cassandrap83]

I think it's totally normal. Most weddings up here are "adults only". The only kids in attendance are those who were in the wedding party.

 

[Allison]

I would get a babysitter and enjoy the wedding that my sister did the way she wanted which is perfectly fine.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Mouse House Mama -- I'm just curious, do you ever have adults-only parties where children do not attend? I'm just trying to see the progression of your logic that by not including children you are somehow telling that child she "is not as important as everyone else."

Yes I have been to many adult only events. I even had a childfree wedding. However- if my sister had children at the time they would have been invited. Every adult only wedding I have been to had the nieces and nephews of the bride and groom there. Nobody was insulted that their kids weren't there including us. Like I said before it is like an unwritten rule that nieces and nephews don't fall under the same category. In the OP's case not only is her sister leaving her child out but she wants her to come and "work" the church but she is not allowed to be a part of the celebration? Sorry but that takes you know what in my book.

 

[tartemis]

This is exactly why your sister should worry about inviting only your daughter, but no one else's.
OK, I had strong opinions about this issue due to people complaining about how I did my wedding, but I'm done now!

Lol, me too. My MIL drove me nuts with our wedding. If they aren't sacrificing babies or worshipping satan, you should just let couples plan the wedding they want to -- it is a day about them, not you.

FWIW, when my aunt was married, my dad and mom attended but left me alone with a sitter because it was an adults-only wedding. I was around 7 at the time. I remember it vividly (because it was odd to be with a sitter in a city outside of my home town) -- and I can honestly tell you that it didn't bother me at all. Likely, you are projecting your own feelings onto your daughter. But, my parents would frequently go to adult-only dinners; I never expected to tag along to all of my parent's functions. (For those that feel slighted by this, do you take your kids to every party?)

Oh, and with everything I have said, if it is an adults-only function and it is too hard for whatever reason (its out of town; kids are too young for a babysitter) then just politely decline. I skipped out on several weddings when my baby was first born (including out-of-town family weddings) because I didn't want to travel with a young baby, much less leave her with a sitter -- but I never begrudged the couple who requested no kids be there.

Finally, some of my fondest memories as a child were hanging out with my cousins with a sitter (and then without when we were 13) while our parents went out for adults-only NYE celebrations. (They did it every year.) Kids don't need to be dragged to every family function to feel loved or part of the family.

 

[tartemis]

Yes I have been to many adult only events. I even had a childfree wedding. However- if my sister had children at the time they would have been invited. Every adult only wedding I have been to had the nieces and nephews of the bride and groom there. Nobody was insulted that their kids weren't there including us. Like I said before it is like an unwritten rule that nieces and nephews don't fall under the same category. In the OP's case not only is her sister leaving her child out but she wants her to come and "work" the church but she is not allowed to be a part of the celebration? Sorry but that takes you know what in my book.

Interesting. I've never heard the nieces/nephews rule/expectation. It must be a regional/cultural thing. In my family and with the weddings I have attended, adults-only means adults-only.