WWYD...Sister's Wedding

[Halbleib1]

Interesting. I've never heard the nieces/nephews rule/expectation. It must be a regional/cultural thing. In my family and with the weddings I have attended, adults-only means adults-only.

Same here unless the kids are in the bridal party then they have always been there. Sometimes they have left early while others they stayed the whole time. Just depended on what the parents wanted.

But every bride and groom is different. My cousin got married last summer and only invited certain family members. My sister was in the wedding my brother however was not but was invited while my other two siblings and I were not. It was the same for aunts and uncles. Some were invited while others were not. They had a certain number of people that they could afford to invite so they chose to only invite those that they knew well or were closest too. Bottom line it was their wedding and they were footing the bill therefore they could invite/not invite whomever they wanted.

 

[matt314hew]

I got married last year and we had a NO CHILD reception, except for those children that were part of the wedding (a Flower Girl 3 and Ring Bearer 3, a Jr. Groomsman 6 and a Jr. Bridesmaid 10). The Ring Bearer is my wife's cousin and he has a brother who is 1 and her aunt through a fit when we said that we wanted an Adult only wedding, to the point that she said that her and her husband would have to leave the reception after an hour so they could get home to him.

The invitation was only sent with Aunt, Uncle and RB name on it and didn't give the youngest a food choice or a seat. They brought him but he wasn't given a seat or food. We were very upset that they acted that way.

Everyone we invited who had kids said they love Adult only receptions, as it gives them a chance to get out of the house and a night away from the kids.

It is the choice of the Bride and Groom, as it is their day.

 

[nmmom95]

I completely understand when my children aren't invited to weddings, however, if my sister didn't invite my kids, I wouldn't go. I think that close of a family member should include her only niece (and groom's nephew.) I would be very upset if my kids were excluded from an immediate family event.

 

[Gigi22]

What would I do? Go along with whatever plans my sister, the bride, has. I would certainly never intimate to my child that her aunt was trying to injure her in some way.

 

[squirrel]

I think at 9 and 12 the two children (niece and nephew) will know that they aren't invited to the reception when they are taken home and everyone else is headed to the party after the wedding.

Is it at the same location or near by?

I just don't see the point of upsetting close family members just to exclude two older children. They aren't infants that will cry, toddlers or young children that will run around screaming. I just don't see the reason to not invite them.

 

[kaytieeldr]

If you were me: the oldest sister & mother of a 9yr old niece of the bride...how would you feel, what would you do?

I would, and do, feel the guest list and the specific conditions of who will be invited it 100% at the discretion of the bride and groom. I would either make arrangements for someone to care for my child - including, if everyone who normally does that will be at the wedding, start looking now (thirteen months in advance) for a new sitter, and go to the wedding; or I would politely decline the invitation with ABSOLUTELY NO negative undertones.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I find it offensive. I understand the idea of no children at a reception. But it is a wedding--a family affair--not a fancy cocktail party, where, of course, children are not required.

Nope. It's a bridal couple event. To say a wedding is a family event implies people without families shouldn't have weddings, or that nobody should elope (yes, I know - if the couple elopes, there's no 'wedding', per se, about which to worry).

Your sister should make them part of the wedding party...then they must be included in the reception.

I find THIS presumptuous and extremely offensive. The OP's sister shouldn't do anything she doesn't want to do; certainly she shouldn't include certain people in her wedding party simply to appease their parents???

Say she is 10 and is a disney adult I would not go and make it is know because my child was not welcomed I would not attend. I think it is rude and would take it personal.

How you make your feelings known could likely be far more rude than the fact that the couple chose to exclude children from the reception and gave parents over a year's notice. Parents who feel hosts not inviting children to a wedding is rude have the option to decline the invitation.

She is a very mature almost 8yr old right now & she knows exactly what she will be missing as she was just in the bridal party for my brother's wedding in February & attended both the church and reception and had a BLAST. She behaved beautifully and we received many compliments on her maturity and behavior.

Okay, so she was recently in a wedding and had a blast. This one won't be the same. She won't have the same fun. Let it go.

For what it is worth & I am as entitled to my opinion as everyone else,

True.

I think it is wrong to exclude her due to the explaination that if they invite her it opens the door to having to invite children that are cousins friends etc.

Agreed, BUT not for the reason you think. I don't believe in explanations or excuses. If I were your sister - especially knowing what attitude you were going to take - would have simply said, "We're not inviting any children, mom; if you talk to woodkins before I do, would you please tell her that so she has time to find a sitter for woodkinsette? Why aren't we inviting children? We discussed it, and we're not." Period.

The fact that she is wanting me to have her participate in the church ceremony but not the reception is also not nice in my eyes. So my dd is good enough to participate in the free events but not the part that will cost her money?

She's not having any children at the reception but she'd still like her niece to participate in the wedding. Since you disagree with her plans, SIMPLY DECLINE.

 

[kaytieeldr]

My decision is NOT made with malice to my sister, she obviously doesn't care about my feelings or my daughter's.

Respectfully, that may not be malice, but it's certainly resentment... with maybe some self-pity or pouting thrown in?

 

[kaytieeldr]

I totally understand not wanting kids at your wedding. Kids get bored, can be loud, need attention, and frankly the day is not about them. However I find it extremely rude that your sister invited your daughter to help out at the wedding but she can not come to the reception.

Um, may I point out that nobody's been invited to anything yet? That the wedding is over a year away??? The OP's sister wants the OP's daughter to hand out booklets at the church, yes - but that information is apparently garnered solely from a conversation between the OP and her mom. It's not a command, an order, an official role... it's just a potential way for the niece to participate in the wedding. You all remember - the part of this whole day that MATTERS?

 

[kaytieeldr]

She simply stated that this was the decision that had been made. No sorry, no reasoning behind it

Good for her. When you start to offer excuses, you give the other person the opportunity to refute them.

My sister is being a bit cold if you ask me. She missed my dd's communion because she was babysitting a neighbor's child. She never called dd that day or sent a card. A card was sent a month later after I mentioned to my mom that dd was hurt that my sister never acknowleged the communion. But she doesn't let me forget that last year we didn't call her on her birthday-we sent a card gift but didn't actually make the phone call to her.

Stop keeping score. Both of you. Go back to a normal sisterly relationship. You're older. Be mature.

 

[kaytieeldr]

It is not the same at all. Here siter is trying to justify what I think is a selfish decision to tell people thier children are not welcome. She is trying to do what is right by her daughter

It's not her wedding! It's not her daughter's wedding!! The "right" thing is whatever the bride says it is!!!

It's wonderful that the OP chose to have the bride-to-be as her maid of honor when the latter was only twelve. That was her decision. Not having any children at THIS reception is THIS bride's decision.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Every adult only wedding I have been to had the nieces and nephews of the bride and groom there.

Nope. You can call it anything you want, but if you have children there, it's NOT an adults-only anything.

 

[brymolmom]

As I said pages ago...those who feel kids shouldn't be excluded will likely never be convinced otherwise...those who feel that the invitees should honor the wishes of the bride/groom will likely not change their minds either.

OP - one thing though. IF you decide not to attend and even with your decision not to be in the bridal party - this is YOUR CHOICE. You are likely going to permanently affect your relationship with your sister by this choice, and it sounds like you are willing to do so over her disagreement with you on whether children should be at a wedding reception. Fine, if that is a big enough belief of yours, I GUESS it's worth losing a member of your family for. But make sure to bank away in your mind, for 20 years down the road when you start thinking how and why your relationship with your sister isn't a better one, that is was YOUR CHOICE to do this. You might accidentally start thinking it was hers....but no, she just wants an adults-only reception, which thousands of people agree with - she's not completely out of line with that. So you are making the choice that will affect this relationship forever. Just make sure it's the decision you want forever.

And 'choosing' your daughter over your sis?? Over a 9 year old not being invited to an adult reception? My goodness, if my kids ever felt that I was choosing someone else over them for attending an adult event - well, let's just say that it's likely a good thing that they realize that the world doesn't revolve around them -especially for someone else's wedding! My kids know I would never choose anyone else over them....but attending an adult reception does not fall inot that category IMO and in theirs either.

My sisters and I are VERY, VERY close and my kids are basically like both of their own too...One sister who got married after the other 2 of us had kids - had an adult reception. Honestly it never would have occurred to me to be upset at all about it. I got the reception I wanted, why on Earth would I want her to have anything but the reception that she wanted? And the other sister DID have kids at hers....because she has some relatives on dh's side who would have thrown a fit if kids weren't invited and likely would have caused a rift due to them not attending because of this. They are known for being angry when kids aren't invited. SO, my sister caved and had kids at her wedding - NOT because it was what she wanted, but because some very selfish people in her husband's family dictated what they wanted instead.

 

[Allison]

As I said pages ago...those who feel kids shouldn't be excluded will likely never be convinced otherwise...those who feel that the invitees should honor the wishes of the bride/groom will likely not change their minds either.

OP - one thing though. IF you decide not to attend and even with your decision not to be in the bridal party - this is YOUR CHOICE. You are likely going to permanently affect your relationship with your sister by this choice, and it sounds like you are willing to do so over her disagreement with you on whether children should be at a wedding reception. Fine, if that is a big enough belief of yours, I GUESS it's worth losing a member of your family for. But make sure to bank away in your mind, for 20 years down the road when you start thinking how and why your relationship with your sister isn't a better one, that is was YOUR CHOICE to do this. You might accidentally start thinking it was hers....but no, she just wants an adults-only reception, which thousands of people agree with - she's not completely out of line with that. So you are making the choice that will affect this relationship forever. Just make sure it's the decision you want forever.

And 'choosing' your daughter over your sis?? Over a 9 year old not being invited to an adult reception? My goodness, if my kids ever felt that I was choosing someone else over them for attending an adult event - well, let's just say that it's likely a good thing that they realize that the world doesn't revolve around them -especially for someone else's wedding! My kids know I would never choose anyone else over them....but attending an adult reception does not fall inot that category IMO and in theirs either.

My sisters and I are VERY, VERY close and my kids are basically like both of their own too...One sister who got married after the other 2 of us had kids - had an adult reception. Honestly it never would have occurred to me to be upset at all about it. I got the reception I wanted, why on Earth would I want her to have anything but the reception that she wanted? And the other sister DID have kids at hers....because she has some relatives on dh's side who would have thrown a fit if kids weren't invited and likely would have caused a rift due to them not attending because of this. They are known for being angry when kids aren't invited. SO, my sister caved and had kids at her wedding - NOT because it was what she wanted, but because some very selfish people in her husband's family dictated what they wanted instead.

Excellent post.

 

[lucyem]

I have not read the 8 pages of replies. But wanted to let you know from my experience people get crazy weird about weddings. A casual comment can turn into a slight and literally ruin relationships.

If it were me I would say nothing and go with the flow. It is not your wedding. You sister is in her own wedding world.

If and when the invitation comes I would decline to have my child in the wedding ceremony on the grounds it would not be fun for her and leave it at that. 9 is old enough for her to feel she is missing out on the reception and cake. Besides getting her home from the ceremony and you getting back etc etc.

Get a sitter for your children and go and enjoy the wedding.

 

[PrincessPeyton]

I haven't read the entire 8 pages of the thread but let me share with you a recent event that just happened with our family....
My husband's brother just got married in May. My husband was in the wedding along with his other brother. My only other sister-in-law was in the wedding as well. So long story short, I was the only one in the family that was not in the wedding. And on top of it, my DD4 and DS1 were not in the wedding and not invited to the wedding/reception (both took place at the same place). My DD4 would ask repeatedly to me if she could be a flower girl, broke my heart. I was so insulted/upset that I did not go to the bridal shower since my DD4 was not invited to that either. When it came time for the bachelorette party, no invitation for me. Based on these facts you would think that me and my new S-I-L don't get along but that's not the case!!! do we hang out alot, no......but always had good conversations when we were together.
When it came time for the wedding we hired a babysitter and my husband and I went. Since that time my relationship with my new S-I-L has been strained and I REGRET IT!
So if I could do it all over again I would just respect my S-I-L wishes even if they weren't the same as mine. A wedding day is just that....only a day. It's not worth ruining the days after that.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Dang, PrincessPeyton! I was sure your post was going to end entirely differently - with you still and forever resenting your sister-in-law (and whoever planned the shower, and the bachelorette party)! It's regrettable that your relationship with her is still strained (that can be resolved), but impressive that you don't resent her and aren't letting it affect the next twenty years.

 

[kacaju]

If and when the invitation comes I would decline to have my child in the wedding ceremony on the grounds it would not be fun for her and leave it at that. 9 is old enough for her to feel she is missing out on the reception and cake. Besides getting her home from the ceremony and you getting back etc etc.

I have to disagree, why would being in the wedding and being a part of her Aunt's special day NOT be fun for a child??

I have been involved for 10 years now in our Church's pre cana program, it is the wedding ceremony itself which is the important part of the day, not the party after.

I also have 3 dd's 16, 14 and 10. By age 9 they all were smart enough to understand and not feel upset if they were invited to be a part of a wedding and not be invited to the party.

 

[Nennie]

OP - I see where you are coming from, and I think your hurt feelings are valid. I think you should talk to your sister before reacting to what your mother told you about your sister's wishes. It could be that this isn't want your sister wants, or perhaps it was something she said to your mom flippantly, without really thinking about it.

I know "etiquette" normally states that one isn't to question a wedding invite, but this is your sister, and invitations won't be going out for a very long time. There is time to share your feelings, and tell her that you hope that your mom misunderstood b/c your DD is very excited to go to the wedding and reception, and that you would also love for your DD to be a party of the family fun at the reception. I think once your sister hears your feelings, that she will reconsider!!!

I had a similar situation with my own sister. I was her MOH, and quite frankly was a darn good MOH! I threw her an engagment party, bridal shower, and took her and her friends to the spa for her bachelorette party. She said she didn't want children at her wedding. I had a 6 month old son, and at first was going to honor her wishes and not say anything. It started eating away at me though, the thought of him being with a baby sitter for 12 plus hours, etc, and just the thought of not having him there for any of the pictures (he's the only grandchild, and is my sister's godson).

Finally, I said something. I just said it in a cutesy way, "Are you sure you don't want (DS name) there, b/c I saw the cutest little suit that I want to get him!!!" She responded, "OMG, do you want him there?? I thought it would be too much on you, but if you want him to come, he can come." I expressed to her how happy I was that she said that, and thanked her over and over again for letting him come.

I ended up getting him that suit, and one of the pictures she had enlarged is one of her holding him while dancing. It all worked out in the end, and I'm SO GLAD that I said something to her about it!!!! She was very happy he was there too (she even had a highchair set up at the bridal party table, with his own little place card)!

 

[DisneyMomx7]

When my oldest dd got married her younger sisters were 3 and almost 2 and her younger brother was 4 months old.

DD (3) was her flower girls. My in-laws brought her to the reception for about an hour and then brought her home to the babysitter. I wouldn never have thought of taking the 2 year old or the baby to the church or the reception.

Now let me tell you I was pretty miffed when two guests showed up with their babies - we had to get high chairs and it was annoying. If the invitations doesn't have your child's name on it take it to me they are NOT invited.

I still have a hard time believing that so many people think their child should be invited no matter what the bride wants. Personally I think adult only functions are a good chance for DH and I to have some "adult time".