WWYD...Sister's Wedding

[kirstenb1]

Seriously?!?! This is over the top. Rather than using this as a way to teach her to handle disappointment, you encourage her to dwell on your sister's absence. She's picking up important clues from you on how to handle things, and you're teaching her to keep score and hold grudges over past slights, real or perceived.

I have a feeling your sister can't win no matter what she does.

No way----the sister was the godparent, and couldn't even be troubled to attend First Communion? This is a huge deal!! I'm not Catholic, but we have confirmation, which is similar to First Communion. A child only has a couple of big religious milestones, and this was one of them. Almost like skipping a baptism. My sister and bil are our daughters' godparents. I'd be very hurt if they skipped out on this.

 

[woodkins]

I have a 9 year old dd, and if she cried because she couldn't go to an adult wedding reception... never mind, she wouldn't. I think we have a case of single mom/only child syndrome here. Coupled with unresolved sibling resentment, and it gets ugly. We are talking about 4 HOURS, more that a YEAR away. We had an opposite issue in our family. LI wedding, and bride wants young nieces and nephews there (nightime formal reception). Parents and grandparents of the children are horrified. They finally made a deal that the kids would only stay an hour, and arranged for a sitter to pick them up.

OP, the reason your dd is upset is because you are upset. I would tell my dd "I know you had a great time at the last wedding, but this one is adults only - of course your aunt loves you, but many wedding receptions don't include children. Be happy that you got to go to the last one."

Living in this area, I attended my first wedding after college. I didn't even get to hand out programs.

Okay..Not a single mom here, and if you knew what my husband's take on the situation was you would think that I had no opinions on it at all.

My daughter has no idea how I feel about it. DD knows about the wedding because she WAS invited to the engagement party bash that dsis had last month. She has also seen the "Save the Date" announcements that were sent out (looking like formal invites), the bridal shower favors that my mom is working on that have taken over her formal dining room, the Floral arrangments that my mom is making for the wedding that have taken over their family room and foyer (she is doing silk arrangements) so that is how dd knows ALL about the wedding....there is no way to avoid it. She is a typical 8 yr old and asks questions, where is the wedding, when, what do the dresses look like, what will she be wearing, will she be a bridesmaid like in her uncle's wedding (my brother). So although it is a year away, the wedding has taken over her grandparent's house (my 24 yr old sister still lives at home with them) and it is the only topic of discussion that mom & sis seem to be able to handle.

DD didn't cry about not going to an adults only reception she cried about being left out of her Aunt's wedding reception. In February my husband's niece was married and had a nightime reception. Dd was not invited as she was a child cousin. My neice had her neices and nephews there (one of whom is the same exact age as my dd) and we had no problem with dd not being invited. Only neices and nephews who were children were attending, not children who were friends. cousins or otherwise. So I am not as extreme or unwilling to not have my daughter included in every event I go to as some people have stated. I feel (as I have said 1000 times before), it is her Aunt and my Sister and that relationship should be the decision maker, not her age.

 

[mjkacmom]

I feel (as I have said 1000 times before), it is her Aunt and my Sister and that relationship should be the decision maker, not her age.

I'm guessing that your sister is chosing to exclude all children, so she doesn't have to deal with the "why can't my child come when there are children invited." Sometimes planning weddings can be stressful (my planning actually wasn't). Your sister isn't trying to hurt your child, that is not her intention. My kids were in my sister's ceremony, and weren't invited to the reception(s). It was her day - not mine, or my kids.

 

[surfgirl]

No way----the sister was the godparent, and couldn't even be troubled to attend First Communion? This is a huge deal!! I'm not Catholic, but we have confirmation, which is similar to First Communion. A child only has a couple of big religious milestones, and this was one of them. Almost like skipping a baptism. My sister and bil are our daughters' godparents. I'd be very hurt if they skipped out on this.

I attended a baptism... 550 miles away and on a day that made a 9 hr drive turn into 14 hours. I vowed, 'never when I've kids'. For me, those days aren't about who stands there and watches them, it is the ceremony itself.

This thread has opened my eyes about others who feel that kids should attend weddings regardless of the bride's wishes or anything else. I guess I don't see life in black and white. ("she should come. period.")

It also made my think about my wedding 15+ years ago. We said, 'no children'. (there were multiple reasons) And yes, that excluded my niece and nephew. They came to the ceremony and then went home to babysitters. My brother and sil were the first to leave the reception. Did it register ? Barely. Did they make themselves miserable over it ? I found out later... yes. Did I care ? Not really... if it was that important, they could have called and had a conversation with me. Instead, they chose to be annoyed.

OP, have you sat down and had an adult conversation with your sister and explained that you have hurt feelings ? Try doing that before you project everything on her.

Again, I'll repeat. You can't change her behavior, only how you react to it. She isn't hurting your feelings, you are allowing her to control your emotions.

I'm surprised at the amount of control that you have given her for her to cause this much grief to you. Let it go and don't let her control you or push your buttons. It is a two way street here.

ftr, I don't believe that you've ever considered any of the responses here. As I read the pages, I just perceived that you've dug your heels in more. Did you ever say, "hey, good point". or "hey I never thought of that" or "I didn't realize that perspective" or anything ? Instead you just defended your decision.

And no, you may not have "demanded", but you did put an ultimatum down. Just be prepared to suffer the consequences of it. If you truly are going to boycott this over your dd, then I would also boycott the bachelorette party, the shower, the engagement party, etc. Otherwise, you will just make yourself miserable.

 

[klacey1]

If I were you, I'd let it go and hire a sitter. Were you going to stay at a hotel or are you close to home? She'd probably have a ball at a hotel with a teenager-- swimming in a hotel pool, maybe getting a movie. Honestly, she'd probably have more fun there than at a wedding!

 

[DisneyMomx7]

Don't you think you are setting up your dd to think the world revolves around her?

It is the bride's day - she is included in the wedding - lots of weddings are adults only.

If you are so dead set on not going to the reception you should at least go to the wedding.

This must be tearing your Mom apart.

 

[woodkins]

I attended a baptism... 550 miles away and on a day that made a 9 hr drive turn into 14 hours. I vowed, 'never when I've kids'. For me, those days aren't about who stands there and watches them, it is the ceremony itself.

This thread has opened my eyes about others who feel that kids should attend weddings regardless of the bride's wishes or anything else. I guess I don't see life in black and white. ("she should come. period.")

It also made my think about my wedding 15+ years ago. We said, 'no children'. (there were multiple reasons) And yes, that excluded my niece and nephew. They came to the ceremony and then went home to babysitters. My brother and sil were the first to leave the reception. Did it register ? Barely. Did they make themselves miserable over it ? I found out later... yes. Did I care ? Not really... if it was that important, they could have called and had a conversation with me. Instead, they chose to be annoyed.

OP, have you sat down and had an adult conversation with your sister and explained that you have hurt feelings ? Try doing that before you project everything on her.

Again, I'll repeat. You can't change her behavior, only how you react to it. She isn't hurting your feelings, you are allowing her to control your emotions.

I'm surprised at the amount of control that you have given her for her to cause this much grief to you. Let it go and don't let her control you or push your buttons. It is a two way street here.

ftr, I don't believe that you've ever considered any of the responses here. As I read the pages, I just perceived that you've dug your heels in more. Did you ever say, "hey, good point". or "hey I never thought of that" or "I didn't realize that perspective" or anything ? Instead you just defended your decision.

And no, you may not have "demanded", but you did put an ultimatum down. Just be prepared to suffer the consequences of it. If you truly are going to boycott this over your dd, then I would also boycott the bachelorette party, the shower, the engagement party, etc. Otherwise, you will just make yourself miserable.

As I have said in many of my responses I have read and considered those responses here. Just because I haven't changed my opinion doesn't mean I haven't considered them or "heard" them, in fact the responses opposing my initial decision made me feel even more strongly that I feel my dd should be included. The most compelling arguments seem to be "bride's day-bride's decision", adults only too bad, and that kids are badly behaved, will knock over cakes, she will be bored etc. None of those arguments have compelled me to change my point of view. They are entitled to hold their viewpoints as I am entitled to mine. Just because they didn't convince me to change my mind and think that my sister's choice is a fair and kind one doesn't mean I didn't consider the.

In a debate there are two sides presenting to a moderator...the moderator will choose one side as more compelling. I have made my choice, doesn't mean I didn't listen to the other side, just means that they didn't convince me that they were the most compelling or right.

 

[woodkins]

Don't you think you are setting up your dd to think the world revolves around her?

It is the bride's day - she is included in the wedding - lots of weddings are adults only.

If you are so dead set on not going to the reception you should at least go to the wedding.

This must be tearing your Mom apart.[/QUOTE]

Nope....Mom is the Matron of Honor....she is my sisters BFF. What ever sister decides is the law.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

Don't you think you are setting up your dd to think the world revolves around her?

It is the bride's day - she is included in the wedding - lots of weddings are adults only.

If you are so dead set on not going to the reception you should at least go to the wedding.

This must be tearing your Mom apart.[/QUOTE]

Nope....Mom is the Matron of Honor....she is my sisters BFF. What ever sister decides is the law.

Well - now I think we can see the REAL problem.

 

[mom3sonstt]

what type of reception are they having (or did I miss that detail in all these many pages?) My step son just got married (2nd time) a couple years ago. He and his new wife both had young children so children were present. A few hours (and many drinks) into the night I was wishing there were no children present! The ones that were there were getting quite an education - 19 year bridesmaid sneaking beers, groomsmen (and the groom ) getting wasted and "singing" karaoke - but changing the words to a cruder version. All in all behavior "appropriate" for a bachelor party but not for the public viewing of small children or the "easily" offended. My husband and his friend were the photographers - and my stepson and his wife were embarassed by some of the pictures that were captured during the reception.

Maybe your sister knows what her reception will evolve into and is sparing your daughter the trauma. (no, I don't really believe that - but trust me, you wouldn't have wanted your daughter at my step-sons reception and would have considered it a favor that she wasn't included)

 

[frndshpcptn]

OP - I think you made the right choice in not going. You don't really like your sister, she doesn't seem to really care that much about you - or your immeadiate family.



The only thing I will say is this: my grandmother felt slighted over a wedding invitation issue way back when I was about 2 years old. She didn't go and threw a fit so my parents did go either.

That entire side of the family cut us off. I haven't spoken to my 8 cousins from my maternal side of the family in more than 30 years. Through the somewhat re-patched grapevine I hear they are all really close and they've spent all thier family celebrations together throughout thier lives - while I didn't get to be a part of any of it. It makes me really, really sad.

Don't do the same thing to your DD...she'll resent you for it later in life.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Not going...not upset about it. I knew what I thought my decision would be prior to posting this thread, simply wanted to hear others' take on the situation as everyone that I had spoken to felt the same way I did with the exception of my sister. People keep asking why did I post it if I would disagree with posters who didn't see my point of view...well that is the reason why...to hear their point of view, and consider it. Just because I didn't change my mind to the other side & say that my sisters choice was all gumdrops and rainbows doesn't mean that I didn't hear their arguments and consider their arguments in her favor. I did consider them and as I have stated previously they did not compell meto then change my mind to their way of thinking.

Silly me, I felt that weddings were a time for families to be together. I must have forgotten that weddings are for brides to always be right, for parents to have a night away from their kids, to teach lessons in disappointment and managing expectations. Both my husband and I feel that this is the decision that is best for both myself and my daughter and that is what is important to me. For those of you that agree with me good for you and for those of you that don't agree with me that is fine too, if you're over 18 maybe you will be invited to the wedding of the century...be sure to pm me and let me know how it went

You know, it truly doesn't sound like you considered the opinions of those of us who feel your sister is entirely within her rights to include or exclude any person she wants for any reason she wants for any reason she wants. Every time somebody supports your sister's decision, you dispute that post or come up with additional information or history...

You also appear to be behaving in a somewhat immature manner over this whole thing. If you didn't have the wedding you wanted because you felt you had to make sacrifices or that having your twelve year old sister as your MOH was the "right" thing or whatever, that was your decision as an adult. This is HER wedding. You don't need to agree with her decisions - but forgetting your the oldest sister, you're simply the older of the the two adults (her and you) involved, you should be the more mature of the two as well. Instead, you continue to sound resentful and somewhat spoiled-bratty about the whole thing. And that last line? Not intentionally sarcastic, is it?

 

[kaytieeldr]

I am telling you that this has nothing to do with the child. This imo was an intentional slight against the mother. The MOB knew about it and the bride couldn't even be bothered to tell her sister this. That leads me to believe that they talked about it and it was a dig against the sister because they knew it would upset her.

Couldn't it be POSSIBLE their mother talks to the the OP more frequently than the two sisters speak, and THAT'S why their mom passed on the information? It doesn't sound the the siblings are close at all. On the other hand, it also doesn't sound like an intentional slight. If that were the case, what's the 'excuse' for not inviting the groom's nephew? Oh, right - NO children. Period.

My kids were at my sister's wedding. It was never even a question.

HUGE oxymoron. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck. You can call it anything you want - an apple, a motorcycle, Dr. House - but it's still a duck. Same thing with an 'adults only' wedding. As soon as you invite a child - family member or not, wedding party member or not - it's no longer an adults-only wedding.

Also- if my sister decided she didn't want her nieces and nephews at her wedding our mother would have told her she was wrong.

Okay. When my mother was alive, she told me when she thought what I was doing was wrong. I loved my mother and respected her opinion. I still, ultimately, made my own decisions.

ETA- FTR- a child may get over the disappointment but she will remember that her Mom thought it was okay for someone to do a mean thing like this if she attends the wedding.

Not an issue. The OP isn't going to the wedding, remember?

 

[badblackpug]

...and this is why my mother's advice was..............

ELOPE!

 

[Teacher03]

You know, it truly doesn't sound like you considered the opinions of those of us who feel your sister is entirely within her rights to include or exclude any person she wants for any reason she wants for any reason she wants. Every time somebody supports your sister's decision, you dispute that post or come up with additional information or history...

You also appear to be behaving in a somewhat immature manner over this whole thing. If you didn't have the wedding you wanted because you felt you had to make sacrifices or that having your twelve year old sister as your MOH was the "right" thing or whatever, that was your decision as an adult. This is HER wedding. You don't need to agree with her decisions - but forgetting your the oldest sister, you're simply the older of the the two adults (her and you) involved, you should be the more mature of the two as well. Instead, you continue to sound resentful and somewhat spoiled-bratty about the whole thing. And that last line? Not intentionally sarcastic, is it?

I totally agree. OP, I think you will regret not going. You want things your way, but it's not your wedding. Your DD will get over it IF you don't make a big deal about it. As a parent, you could have simply explained to your daughter that it is an adult only reception and leave it at that.

 

[momx2]

As I have said in many of my responses I have read and considered those responses here. Just because I haven't changed my opinion doesn't mean I haven't considered them or "heard" them, in fact the responses opposing my initial decision made me feel even more strongly that I feel my dd should be included. The most compelling arguments seem to be "bride's day-bride's decision", adults only too bad, and that kids are badly behaved, will knock over cakes, she will be bored etc. None of those arguments have compelled me to change my point of view. They are entitled to hold their viewpoints as I am entitled to mine. Just because they didn't convince me to change my mind and think that my sister's choice is a fair and kind one doesn't mean I didn't consider the.

In a debate there are two sides presenting to a moderator...the moderator will choose one side as more compelling. I have made my choice, doesn't mean I didn't listen to the other side, just means that they didn't convince me that they were the most compelling or right.

You are not the "moderator." You are a biased party presenting your side, just as others are presenting their sides. A moderator is a neutral party and you are most definately not neutral. You had your mind made up when you posted this and have gotten more dug in with each post.

It is obvious to everyone, well, most everyone, that you have issues with your sister and with your mother and their relationship. You will say you don't have issues, but you do and your are using this event to make your stand.

When I first started reading this, I didn't have an opinion. I will say that most weddings and receptions in my area are all family inclusive, but now I see that there are other areas and families that do this differently. IMO, it is the brides' day, guests or other family members do not have a say. Go to the wedding and don't go to the reception, problem solved.

I do agree with many posters that you are teaching your child that she is more important in this situation and also agree it would have been a wonderful teaching moment to illustrate to her that she can't always get her way and sometimes life isn't fair (or at least precieved fair). IMO, you are making a big mistake that you will regret later and also using your daughter to make your point in the process. This will not end well...