WWYD...Sister's Wedding

[mickeyfan1]

Holy Pugoli, this wedding is a YEAR away? Man, a lot can happen in a year, someone could get transferred to a whole other side of the country, the bride and groom could elope, the OP could find a sitter that drives.

OP, you already made your mind up by the looks, but you asked for opinions. Some people agreed with you, some didn't. If you don't like the contrary opinions, I am sorry. I still think you are being over dramatic and with it being a year off, this is way too soon to be so stressed,

 

[mom3sonstt]

When I got married I had a very small wedding - in my grandmother's living room. I did have a large wedding party. I had 2 friends stand up with me and DH also had 2 friends. Then his sister asked us if her daughters could be in the wedding because the oldest (who was around 9 or 10) was getting too old to be a flower girl by the time another aunt got married. Well, since we put the 2 girls in (the oldest as a Jr bridesmaid and the youngest as our flower girl) then we figured we had better include DH's sons - so they became another groomsman and ring bearer. The only family invited to the wedding was parents, grandparents and siblings - no aunts, uncles, cousins. My uncle was coming from another state (5 hour drive) so my dad said he could come to the wedding. (They were all invited to the reception). My mother actually handled this without my knowledge and told my dad to tell his brother that no, he couldn't come to the wedding. I felt bad afterwards - not that he didn't come, but that after he thought he had been invited he was uninvited. My aunt on my mom's side told me years later that she felt hurt that she couldn't come to my wedding but that the boyfriend of my bridesmaid was there. I told her that he brought my bridesmaid, but before the ceremony started my grandmother shooed him outside to "make sure nobody rang the doorbell" during the ceremony - he wound up leaving and going on ahead to the reception hall. I guess the bottom line was - I had certain limits for my wedding - it may have hurt some people's feelings, but if I let my only uncle on my dad's side come then what about the 10 aunts and uncle's and DH's side? I did compromise as far as adding the 4 kids to the wedding party - but they would have been at the wedding anyway - so they might as well get to dress up and feel important. And I appreciate the fact that even though some people tried to "get around" what I had planned, that I had people behind the scenes making sure things were done how I wanted.

 

[surfgirl]

I am in 100% disagreement with her decision to exclude her neice & I do feel strongly enough that if my family chooses to disown me over it I am fine with that decision.

Then why did you start this thread ?

You've made your decision. Die on this sword. A year from now, you will be miserable thinking about what a great time everyone is having. Or you will be cackling in joy if something goes wrong. Neither are positive emotions to teach your dd.

Her wedding won't be ruined if you aren't there, only your day.

We are all disappointed in our lives. Here is an opportunity to teach your dd about how you handle it. Do you refuse to participate and throw a snit ? Clearly. Or do you accept that you don't agree with it, but you'll be in a better place mentally if you accept it.

The whole thing about communion ? So what ? Did it ruin your day ? Clearly, it did. If you had told her (without sniping) how important it was to you, maybe she would have understood. Things like that aren't big deals in my family, so I wouldn't have 'gotten' the anger either.

You may not, but I remember my life before kids. While I can't imagine being without them now, I remember the ability to selfishly enjoy life occasionally. And yes, sometimes I miss that.

Someday, when she has kids and the two of you are watching them do something together, you can sit and remember this and chuckle. Or maybe not, since you won't have a relationship.

Or disown your family now and be a bitter woman.

You can't control her decision. What you can control is how you react to it.

THIS BEARS REPEATING:
YOU CAN'T CONTROL HER DECISION. WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL IS HOW YOU REACT TO IT.

 

[TwinsinCA]

She's nine, she is going to hurt when her favourite cartoon character falls down and hurts themselves. It is the couple's wedding and their wishes should be paramount. It isn't going to damage the child to spend a few hours with a baby-sitter while the adults attend the reception.

My daughters are 9. They don't cry over cartoons. They are old enough to feel hurt and feel slighted. I will not minimize those real feelings because of their age. And I am certainly not going to put the feelings of the person who caused the hurt (intentional or not) over my own kids. My priority and loyalty is with my kids, not my sister.

The bride and groom can do what they want. But if their choices mean people will choose not to attend their day, they should just deal with it.

I am more comfortable telling an adult to suck it up and deal, not a 9 year old.

 

[declansdad]

My daughters are 9. They don't cry over cartoons. They are old enough to feel hurt and feel slighted. I will not minimize those real feelings because of their age. And I am certainly not going to put the feelings of the person who caused the hurt (intentional or not) over my own kids. My priority and loyalty is with my kids, not my sister.

The bride and groom can do what they want. But if their choices mean people will choose not to attend their day, they should just deal with it.

I am more comfortable telling an adult to suck it up and deal, not a 9 year old.

Sure they feel hurt and ten minutes later they are over it. Apparently some adults can't say the same.

In this case it is the OP that needs to suck it up or don't attend the reception. After all, they are all invited to the wedding.

I don't understand why guest feel it is their right to make demands on the only only people that truly matter in a wedding.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I don't understand why guest feel it is their right to make demands on the only only people that truly matter in a wedding.

I must have missed the post where the OP demanded that her daughter be allowed to attend.

Deciding not to attend a wedding because your entire family isn't included is not making a demand.

 

[okeydokey]

It's amazing that a 9 year old has so much power in the family. She may be sad, but oh well, life goes on. Will she be more sad when she is 10, 11, 12 13 and she doesn't have this aunt in her life that she loves so much or a cute cousin to play with is her aunt has children of her own some day?

 

[okeydokey]

I must have missed the post where the OP demanded that her daughter be allowed to attend.

Deciding not to attend a wedding because your entire family isn't included is not making a demand.

She's not demanding anything but has stated that if she loses her entire family over this one event then she is fine with that. I guess the family isn't that close at all if she is willing to cut all ties with her family.

 

[Taja]

Okay, I haven't made it through all of the posts--my eyes have just about had it for the day!

From the perspective of a child who had to attend a lot of weddings--it's the way it was done in the dark ages--I would have been thrilled to be told "no children allowed!" When I was younger, my parents would have declined the invitation, when I was older (around age 7 or so), they would have made arrangements for me to stay at a friend's house for the night.

Unfortunately, some of my most vivid childhood memories are being stuck at weddings! To this day, I avoid the things like the plague!

As an adult, I don't think it's unreasonable to have an adults only wedding and reception. There is no slight intended to anyone. The people who are paying for the occasion are making the rules--and rightly so!

Just my two cents--for what it's worth. Probably not a lot! *LOL*

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Everyone keeps talking about how the child's feelings are hurt and she will get over this. What you are missing is that this was a slight towards the mother not the child. The bride has made it very clear through past and present behavior that she doesn't care about the OP. This was just another dig imo.

 

[pixiewings71]

She's nine, she is going to hurt when her favourite cartoon character falls down and hurts themselves. It is the couple's wedding and their wishes should be paramount. It isn't going to damage the child to spend a few hours with a baby-sitter while the adults attend the reception.

My youngest DD is 10, she hasn't cried over a cartoon in ages...in fact I'm not sure she ever did, nor can I recall her sisters crying over a cartoon..... I think you are incorrect and a 9 year old absolutely has feelings that will be hurt for quite a while over something like this.

Then why did you start this thread ?

You've made your decision. Die on this sword. A year from now, you will be miserable thinking about what a great time everyone is having. Or you will be cackling in joy if something goes wrong. Neither are positive emotions to teach your dd.

Her wedding won't be ruined if you aren't there, only your day.

We are all disappointed in our lives. Here is an opportunity to teach your dd about how you handle it. Do you refuse to participate and throw a snit ? Clearly. Or do you accept that you don't agree with it, but you'll be in a better place mentally if you accept it.

The whole thing about communion ? So what ? Did it ruin your day ? Clearly, it did. If you had told her (without sniping) how important it was to you, maybe she would have understood. Things like that aren't big deals in my family, so I wouldn't have 'gotten' the anger either.

You may not, but I remember my life before kids. While I can't imagine being without them now, I remember the ability to selfishly enjoy life occasionally. And yes, sometimes I miss that.

Someday, when she has kids and the two of you are watching them do something together, you can sit and remember this and chuckle. Or maybe not, since you won't have a relationship.

Or disown your family now and be a bitter woman.

You can't control her decision. What you can control is how you react to it.

THIS BEARS REPEATING:
YOU CAN'T CONTROL HER DECISION. WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL IS HOW YOU REACT TO IT.

I agree with your last bolded statement, but I also feel your post is very judgemental towards the OP, do you know her IRL? Do you know she will "cackle in glee" (really? WHO cackles?) if her sister's day is "ruined" or be miserable if she chooses not to go? I say no, you don't know her well enough to say that type of stuff, you're generalizing or putting off onto her what you might do that day. It seems to me she won't be miserable or cackle at all.......

She they feel hurt and ten minutes later they are over it. Apparently some adults can't say the same.

In this case it is the OP that needs to suck it up or don't attend the reception. After all, they are all invited to the wedding.

I don't understand why guest feel it is their right to make demands on the only only people that truly matter in a wedding.

I'm sorry what? That first sentence makes little sense. And again, my girls never cried over cartoons getting hurt.....

Everyone keeps talking about how the child's feelings are hurt and she will get over this. What you are missing is that this was a slight towards the mother not the child. The bride has made it very clear through past and present behavior that she doesn't care about the OP. This was just another dig imo.

I still say the OP should go to the wedding, take her DD and after the ceremony and congrats they leave for their own dinner.

 

[MamaJessie]

I can't imagine a 9 year old crying over not being able to attend a wedding receptions when there won't be any other children there anyway.

Really? My 11 year old would be crushed if she wasn't invited to a family celebration. And yes, I am sure she would cry.

OP - man people are really bashing you for this. Sorry you have to help your daughter deal with rejection. It is never fun. Especially when it is family.

And your mom being the MOH is just plain old w-e-i-r-d. Somebody needs a friend....

I worry about all these brides consumed with making their wedding day perfection. Some women spend more time worrying about the wedding than the marriage. And that doesn't bode well for the marriage. (I am NOT saying everyone who has an adults only wedding is doomed for divorce. At all. Just wanted to say that before anyone wigs out on me. I just think some people are wedding obsessed, not marriage obsessed )

 

[surfgirl]

I agree with your last bolded statement, but I also feel your post is very judgemental towards the OP, do you know her IRL? Do you know she will "cackle in glee" (really? WHO cackles?) if her sister's day is "ruined" or be miserable if she chooses not to go? I say no, you don't know her well enough to say that type of stuff, you're generalizing or putting off onto her what you might do that day. It seems to me she won't be miserable or cackle at all.......

I guess I'm generalizing based on reading all of her posts. She has added details that demonstrate her bitterness toward her sister (who is paying, dd's communion, etc.). At this point, had her sister asked her dd to be in the wedding, would she be complaining about paying for an expensive dress ? I get the feeling that nothing would have been the 'right' answer in this situation. She is unwilling to accept others' reasonable responses (ie. adult-only weddings are common, enjoy the night out, it is more special to be invited to the actual wedding rather than the party afterwards, etc.) and continued on her rant.

The whole point of that is that the OP will make herself and herself only miserable about this. Everyone else will have a good time and not even realize she is missing. It is an example of cutting your nose off to spite your face.

(btw, I like the word cackle... its a good descriptive word! Maybe a bit ott, but still a fun word!)

 

[woodkins]

Then why did you start this thread ?

You've made your decision. Die on this sword. A year from now, you will be miserable thinking about what a great time everyone is having. Or you will be cackling in joy if something goes wrong. Neither are positive emotions to teach your dd.

Her wedding won't be ruined if you aren't there, only your day.

We are all disappointed in our lives. Here is an opportunity to teach your dd about how you handle it. Do you refuse to participate and throw a snit ? Clearly. Or do you accept that you don't agree with it, but you'll be in a better place mentally if you accept it.

The whole thing about communion ? So what ? Did it ruin your day ? Clearly, it did. If you had told her (without sniping) how important it was to you, maybe she would have understood. Things like that aren't big deals in my family, so I wouldn't have 'gotten' the anger either.

You may not, but I remember my life before kids. While I can't imagine being without them now, I remember the ability to selfishly enjoy life occasionally. And yes, sometimes I miss that.

Someday, when she has kids and the two of you are watching them do something together, you can sit and remember this and chuckle. Or maybe not, since you won't have a relationship.

Or disown your family now and be a bitter woman.

You can't control her decision. What you can control is how you react to it.

THIS BEARS REPEATING:
YOU CAN'T CONTROL HER DECISION. WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL IS HOW YOU REACT TO IT.

I started this thread because I knew how I felt about the situation and wanted to hear other points of view that could possibly she light on why she would make such a decision or if I was over reacting. Thus far nothing said has compelled me to change my feelings or think that she is correct. The majority argument in her favor seems to be "she is the bride so it is her decision". That to me doesn't mean that makes the decision right, kind or loving.

"So what" to not attening her godchild's first holy communion? Did it ruin our day...not ruin, but my daughter was upset that her only aunt and godmother was not in attendance & she is hurt to this day. When we look at pictures she asks why her aunt was not there & I simply tell her that she had to work. I don't badmouth, lie, etc. DD asks me if she is a teacher why she had to work on a Saturday & I tell her it was a babysitting job. She then wants to know why babysitting someone else was more important then her communion. In the Roman Catholic faith First Communion is a BIG deal. I sent out save the date cards 5 month in advance so people could make sure that they would be there.

 

[woodkins]

I guess I'm generalizing based on reading all of her posts. She has added details that demonstrate her bitterness toward her sister (who is paying, dd's communion, etc.). At this point, had her sister asked her dd to be in the wedding, would she be complaining about paying for an expensive dress ? I get the feeling that nothing would have been the 'right' answer in this situation. She is unwilling to accept others' reasonable responses (ie. adult-only weddings are common, enjoy the night out, it is more special to be invited to the actual wedding rather than the party afterwards, etc.) and continued on her rant.

The whole point of that is that the OP will make herself and herself only miserable about this. Everyone else will have a good time and not even realize she is missing. It is an example of cutting your nose off to spite your face.

(btw, I like the word cackle... its a good descriptive word! Maybe a bit ott, but still a fun word!)

The details of who is paying etc were in response to people saying that perhaps the bride and groom couldn't affort to include her...my parents are paying: $$ is not an issue or factor.

The "right" response in my eyes would have been to include my daughter in the wedding as every other member of the family will be. I don't want or expect her to be in the bridal party and I had no problem or complaint paying for the $350 jr bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding. DD looked beautiful, enjoyed the day and we have lovely pictures and memories of our WHOLE family together.

Adult only weddings are common to a point, but I have NEVER been to a wedding where nieces and nephews were not included, in fact many of them were very young children and were invited as guest to the wedding ceremony & reception.

I am not just a "guest" at the wedding "making demands" on the bride. The bride is my SISTER and the GODMOTHER and AUNT to my daughter HER ONLY NEICE. I won't be cackling or miserable. I am hurt by my sister's decision and so is my daughter...not because I told her to be hurt, but because she understands what a wedding and reception are and the meaning (and fun) that go along with them and she understands that her aunt's choice is the reason why she is being left out. DD does NOT know that I am not planning on attending the wedding at all. We have not discussed my decision about it as it is MY decision based on MY feelings not hers.

 

[frndshpcptn]

OP - are you daugther and your sister very close? From your posts, it doesn't seem that they are and so I can understand why she maybe hadn't thought about having her at the reception.

I'll be honest - I'm not a "kid-person" in general. I'm uncomfortable around them (even my young cousins, who are more like my neices since their father - my uncle - and I are very close in age and grew up like brother / sister). My Mom can't understand. They are 6 and 4. I don't know...I love them. To pieces. I would do anything for them that they needed - but I'm just not a kid person - I don't know how to relate to them.

Maybe your sister isn't either and at her wedding doesn't want to have kids there. If they are not close, then I can understand it I think.

My Mom's best friend from college got married when I was about 10 - she was like an Aunt to me (I didn't have any related Aunts in my life back then - she didn't have any related neices or nephews). I thought for sure I'd be invited to the wedding - she talked about it in front of me and everything. I wasn't. I was upset at first - then my Mom told me to get over it, there weren't going to have kids there and you know what - I did. My "Aunt" and I are still super close and it never affected our relationship.

Also - I think this may be a great opportunity for you to teach your daugther about managing expectations!

If she expected to be in the wedding / invited to the reception you can use this opportunity to say "Just because you were in Uncle Joe's wedding, doesn't mean you will be in Aunt Sally's as well. I know you love your Aunt, but she is a different person then Uncle Joe and her wedding will be different as well. Sometimes things don't go the way we expect and we have to find a way to deal with our feelings about that. Here's how you and I can do that together..."

 

[Gr8t Fan]

"So what" to not attening her godchild's first holy communion? Did it ruin our day...not ruin, but my daughter was upset that her only aunt and godmother was not in attendance & she is hurt to this day. When we look at pictures she asks why her aunt was not there & I simply tell her that she had to work. I don't badmouth, lie, etc. DD asks me if she is a teacher why she had to work on a Saturday & I tell her it was a babysitting job. She then wants to know why babysitting someone else was more important then her communion.

Seriously?!?! This is over the top. Rather than using this as a way to teach her to handle disappointment, you encourage her to dwell on your sister's absence. She's picking up important clues from you on how to handle things, and you're teaching her to keep score and hold grudges over past slights, real or perceived.

I have a feeling your sister can't win no matter what she does.

 

[frndshpcptn]

Seriously?!?! This is over the top. Rather than using this as a way to teach her to handle disappointment, you encourage her to dwell on your sister's absence. She's picking up important clues from you on how to handle things, and you're teaching her to keep score and hold grudges over past slights, real or perceived.

I have a feeling your sister can't win no matter what she does.

I agree! Again - teach her how to manage her expectations. How to handle when disappointments happen.

It's a good skill to master - there are many adults who still can not do that.

 

[declansdad]

I'm sorry what? That first sentence makes little sense. And again, my girls never cried over cartoons getting hurt.....

Sorry typo but the cartoon was an example. Kids have there feelings hurt but usually get over it quickly, unlike some adults it seems.

 

[declansdad]

I must have missed the post where the OP demanded that her daughter be allowed to attend.

Deciding not to attend a wedding because your entire family isn't included is not making a demand.

Never said that the op demanded but saying she won't go because she doesn't agree with the bride and groom is very childish. You are correct in saying there is history between the two but it does seem to go both ways.