WWYD...Sister's Wedding

[woodkins]

Never said that the op demanded but saying she won't go because she doesn't agree with the bride and groom is very childish. You are correct in saying there is history between the two but it does seem to go both ways.

I never demanded anything, I am simply saying that if my daughter isn't family enough to attend then I will choose not to either. If my sister can make a choice of who to invite to her wedding than I get to make the choice as to whether I want to attend or not.

I don't know what you mean by saying the history doesn't go both ways. I agree it is one sided in that I have attended every graduation, birthday, even softball games for my sister. Dragging along an infant to her high school graduation even. My dd and I call her on every birthday, send cards etc. All of this because my parents raise me to believe that family was important and that my sister's feelings would be hurt if I wasn't there for her. That is why I chose her as my dd's godmother, because I believed that she would love her as a family member and care for her the way I care for my siblings and nieces and nephews on my husband's side. She is the one who has not attended my family functions and she is the one not including a family member in the wedding not me.

 

[declansdad]

I never demanded anything, I am simply saying that if my daughter isn't family enough to attend then I will choose not to either. If my sister can make a choice of who to invite to her wedding than I get to make the choice as to whether I want to attend or not.

I don't know what you mean by saying the history doesn't go both ways. I agree it is one sided in that I have attended every graduation, birthday, even softball games for my sister. Dragging along an infant to her high school graduation even. My dd and I call her on every birthday, send cards etc. All of this because my parents raise me to believe that family was important and that my sister's feelings would be hurt if I wasn't there for her. That is why I chose her as my dd's godmother, because I believed that she would love her as a family member and care for her the way I care for my siblings and nieces and nephews on my husband's side. She is the one who has not attended my family functions and she is the one not including a family member in the wedding not me.

You were the one who said "you were digging you heels in on this one." It isn't your wedding, get over it and stay home if it is that important to you. You asked for opinions but don't seem to like the ones that don't agree with you. So why did you start this thread exactly?

 

[badblackpug]

A few points.

I think it is very clear that the OP intends to use this incident as a catalyst to cause a rift between her and her sister because she feels slighted or hurt by her sister in many ways. I don't think this is really about the wedding.

OP...you have misrepresented or misjudged your child's maturity level. I have a 9 year old and a 12 year old, and both, at that age, understood that just because you are invited to 1 person's affair does not mean you will be invited to another person's affair. They also know, and understand, that some things are for adults only. While there may be disappointment there would certainly not be tears or the thought that they were unloved because they weren't invited.


Not everyone likes kids. I know this may be blasphemy on a Disney board, but it is true. Not everyone likes kids, not everyone likes being around kids. My mother is not a kid person. Between my sister and I we have 9!


OP, please consider what kind of emotional burden this will place on your daughter. This is a wedding that is not to occur for more than a year, but your reaction (boycotting the wedding) will have ramifications throughout your daughter's lifetime. Your daughter will be over the disappointment of not being invited long before the wedding ever takes place, but how is she going to feel 20 years from now when she knows that she, indirectly, was the cause of a HUGE family rift that separates her from her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins?

 

[kaytieeldr]

When my daughter found out she was not invited she cried asking me why her aunt doesn't love her enought for her to be invited, she said she is a part of the family and loves her aunt. She was in the bridal party and invited to my brother's wedding a few months ago so she cannot understand the difference: to her a family wedding is a family wedding (she's definitely my kid ). When we tried to explain the "no kids allowed" rule she cannot understand why one wedding had them and one not.

Her aunt does love her. If her aunt were getting married ten years from now, your daughter would be invited. NO children are invited. It's not reflective of your sister's love for your daughter.

As for why one wedding invited kids and one won't, well, everybody's different. This is a special day for the bride and groom, and this is the decision they made. It doesn't mean they don't love their respective niece and nephew.

DSis told me she was "willing" to have her pass out the booklets or bubbles "since I wanted her to be a part of the wedding" me not her...meaning to me she couldn't care less if dd is included or not.

Having dd attend the church but not the reception is logistically impossible.

Then it looks like your daughter won't be at the wedding, either. This is the first indication that it wasn't the bride's idea to include a nine-year old in the wedding in any way, but rather that she made the offer to appease you.

Ten pages.

Don't go to the wedding.

 

[kaytieeldr]

The bride and groom can do what they want. But if their choices mean people will choose not to attend their day, they should just deal with it.

It sounds like the bride IS dealing with it, very well. The only ones upset are the OP and her daughter

 

[TwinsinCA]

It sounds like the bride IS dealing with it, very well. The only ones upset are the OP and her daughter

From what I understand the bride does not yet know the OP may not attend the wedding. At this point there is nothing for her TO deal with. When her sister tells her she isn't coming, THEN we will see how she deals. Her reaction could be anything from complete apathy to never speaking to her sister again. We just don't know.

But IF the bride comes back with any sort of drama wondering how her sister could miss her wedding? I would say Bed. Made. Lie. The bride started this chain of events. Not the OP.

 

[woodkins]

Not going...not upset about it. I knew what I thought my decision would be prior to posting this thread, simply wanted to hear others' take on the situation as everyone that I had spoken to felt the same way I did with the exception of my sister. People keep asking why did I post it if I would disagree with posters who didn't see my point of view...well that is the reason why...to hear their point of view, and consider it. Just because I didn't change my mind to the other side & say that my sisters choice was all gumdrops and rainbows doesn't mean that I didn't hear their arguments and consider their arguments in her favor. I did consider them and as I have stated previously they did not compell meto then change my mind to their way of thinking.

Silly me, I felt that weddings were a time for families to be together. I must have forgotten that weddings are for brides to always be right, for parents to have a night away from their kids, to teach lessons in disappointment and managing expectations. Both my husband and I feel that this is the decision that is best for both myself and my daughter and that is what is important to me. For those of you that agree with me good for you and for those of you that don't agree with me that is fine too, if you're over 18 maybe you will be invited to the wedding of the century...be sure to pm me and let me know how it went

 

[sk!mom]

If she expected to be in the wedding / invited to the reception you can use this opportunity to say "Just because you were in Uncle Joe's wedding, doesn't mean you will be in Aunt Sally's as well. I know you love your Aunt, but she is a different person then Uncle Joe and her wedding will be different as well. Sometimes things don't go the way we expect and we have to find a way to deal with our feelings about that. Here's how you and I can do that together..."

Best advice of the whole thread! OP for your DD's sake, please take this advice and help your DD deal with the situation in a healthy way. Your reaction is not changing the situation just making it worse for your DD. She's still not invited and now you have demonstrated that it's a really big deal! If you really can't enjoy the reception without your DD, then take the advice to attend the wedding with her and then take her out to dinner after.

Actually, after having time to read the whole thread, I'm wondering if you are using this "slight" as a a good excuse to cut off your family. Something you would like to do anyway.

This just isn't the beach I'd die on.

 

[Halbleib1]

I think at 9 and 12 the two children (niece and nephew) will know that they aren't invited to the reception when they are taken home and everyone else is headed to the party after the wedding.

Is it at the same location or near by?

I just don't see the point of upsetting close family members just to exclude two older children. They aren't infants that will cry, toddlers or young children that will run around screaming. I just don't see the reason to not invite them.

Only the OP knows how well behaved her children are. I have seen some 9 and 12 years olds act up very badly. And no these children did not have any problems that would be a reason for this bad behavior. The only reason they had IMO was bad parenting. They had parents that let them do whatever they wanted when they wanted.

 

[Halbleib1]

The OP stated her daughter is going to be hurt by being excluded from the reception. She is 9 and not some toddler who would be oblivious that she was not invited. OP's sister is likely going to be hurt that the OP would miss her wedding. OP has to choose who she is willing to hurt.

If *I* am weighing the hurt feelings of my daughter and my sister -- my daughter will win. I am "choosing" her. She is my child vs. my sibling. She is a child vs. an adult.

I am sorry but children need to learn that they will not always get what they want or expect in life. Sometimes they will get their feelings hurt. It is not the end of the world.

In this situation there should be no need to choose. If the OP explains the situation to her daughter without letting her own feelings come into play her daughter is old enough to understand. The aunt is not excluding her she is just choosing to have an adults only reception. As others have said the reception would probably not be all that fun for the OP's daughter when there will be no other kids there.

 

[Halbleib1]

It sounds like the bride IS dealing with it, very well. The only ones upset are the OP and her daughter

From what I have read with the wedding being a year out the OP is the cause of her daughters hurt feelings at this point. The daughter would not know anything about being invited or not as of yet when the invitations have not even gone out. IMO the OP has put her child in the middle of her fight with her sister. Even when it did come time to tell the daughter about not being able to attend the reception the OP could have explained it in a way that her daughter would understand and not feel as hurt.

From what the OP has said I get the impression that she did not want to attend the wedding and is hanging on to this so hard so as to have a "valid" excuse not to.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I am sorry but children need to learn that they will not always get what they want or expect in life. Sometimes they will get their feelings hurt.

Of course. And my job as a parent is to support and validate my children when they do get hurt. I would not minimize their hurt or tell them to just "get over it" if they were excluded in this way, which is what a lot of the people on this thread seem to think is the best way to handle it. That is not how I want to treat my kids. YMMV.

 

[TwinsinCA]

From what I have read with the wedding being a year out the OP is the cause of her daughters hurt feelings at this point. The daughter would not know anything about being invited or not as of yet when the invitations have not even gone out. IMO the OP has put her child in the middle of her fight with her sister. Even when it did come time to tell the daughter about not being able to attend the reception the OP could have explained it in a way that her daughter would understand and not feel as hurt.

I think it is HIGHLY unlikely that the child would never hear a peep about the wedding before the invitations went out. The bride might talk about it at holiday gatherings, her grandmother might say something, etc. And there really is no way to sugarcoat "you are not welcome". I think it is ridiculous to pin the blame on the OP. The hurt feelings are the fault of the person CHOOSING to exclude her.

 

[Halbleib1]

Of course. And my job as a parent is to support and validate my children when they do get hurt. I would not minimize their hurt or tell them to just "get over it" if they were excluded in this way, which is what a lot of the people on this thread seem to think is the best way to handle it. That is not how I want to treat my kids. YMMV.

I agree I would not just tell my son to just get over it either. However I would not drag him into a fight between my sister and I either. I would explain to him why he can not go to the reception while keeping my personal feelings/resentment to myself. Resentment is not going to help or change the situation. The OP's behavior is going to shape the way her daughter handles situations like this in the future.

When my son is hurt because he does not get his own way my husband and I sit him down and explain that life is not fair and you do not always get what you want when you want it. We tell him that the world does not revolve around him. Although he thinks it should. LOL We explain that sometimes things will go his way but more often than not they won't. You just have to move on from those things that you can not change and accept it for what it is.

"And my job as a parent is to support and validate my children when they do get hurt"

Supporting and validating our children is not always the right thing to do in every situation. Sometimes we bring hurt on ourselves or do things that get us in a particular situation.

 

[Halbleib1]

I think it is HIGHLY unlikely that the child would never hear a peep about the wedding before the invitations went out. The bride might talk about it at holiday gatherings, her grandmother might say something, etc. And there really is no way to sugarcoat "you are not welcome". I think it is ridiculous to pin the blame on the OP. The hurt feelings are the fault of the person CHOOSING to exclude her.

If the subject were to come up before the invitations went out than at that time I would sit down with her and have the same conversation as I would have had once the invite arrived. In this case it sounds like the OP is the one that brought it up with her daughter thus putting her in the middle.

If that child is hurt now imagine how hurt she will be when her mother and aunt are no longer talking or are fighting because of this situation. The child is going to feel like it is all her fault.

 

[Disneyadore]

Once again...these are cousins. Not a niece or nephew.
My parents are paying for the wedding. My sister and I are not super close...her choice, not mine. She is VERY immature & has my mom handle all of her business (she even had my mom go with her to register for her masters degree classes ).

Many things have gone on in the past that I have overlooked as I am the oldest and "paved the way" for my siblings. I paid for my wedding with a small contribution from my parents, they are footing the bill for her who shebang. They paid for her BA & MA, I got a coupon book to repay the little they loaned me for my BA (I went to a university on full academic scholarship).

At this point I am ready to cut ties if they believe that my daughter is not family enough to attend the reception. They clearly think she is mature enought to handle being a part of the ceremony, and in my eyes if she is good enough for one she is good enough for the other. The ironic part in the whole situation is the brother who had dd in his wedding has never been close to me, in fact he is closest to the sister getting married and I am closest to db that is single and loving it.

I wonder about the bolted part. You're parents are paying for the wedding and she refuses to PAY for the child?

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I am sorry but children need to learn that they will not always get what they want or expect in life. Sometimes they will get their feelings hurt. It is not the end of the world.

In this situation there should be no need to choose. If the OP explains the situation to her daughter without letting her own feelings come into play her daughter is old enough to understand. The aunt is not excluding her she is just choosing to have an adults only reception. As others have said the reception would probably not be all that fun for the OP's daughter when there will be no other kids there.

I am telling you that this has nothing to do with the child. This imo was an intentional slight against the mother. The MOB knew about it and the bride couldn't even be bothered to tell her sister this. That leads me to believe that they talked about it and it was a dig against the sister because they knew it would upset her. My kids were at my sister's wedding. It was never even a question. She had an adults only reception but nieces and nephews are never included in that blanket. They had a ball! They were also very well behaved and they were a lot younger than 9. They also would have been heartbroken if they were not invited and there have been many places that they haven't been allowed to go and been fine with. Their aunt (who is also their Godmother) getting married is different. Also- if my sister decided she didn't want her nieces and nephews at her wedding our mother would have told her she was wrong. This is not about managing the expectations of a child. This is about doing the right thing in your family based on your family dynamic. In my family not inviting them would never fly. It doesn't mean that everyone does it that way but if your family does - as we have seen that the OP's brother did- and then all of a sudden one sibling doesn't then it is very much intentional against the adult imo. The bride here has been very obvious about how she feels about the sister and her child. I would not go to a wedding like that because if someone really disliked me that much I wouldn't want to be bothered.
OP- I totally agree with you and I would not go either. (from LI too!)

ETA- FTR- a child may get over the disappointment but she will remember that her Mom thought it was okay for someone to do a mean thing like this if she attends the wedding. I don't know how to explain it better but in our circle this would be a major offense and there would be chatter about it.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

The 9 year old sounds a bit like a drama llama. No children are invited - so the daughter is not being slighted.

The most important part of the day is the wedding - to which the child can attend.

I have attended many child free weddings - and yes that applied to all kids including nieces and nephews.

Would your daughter get hurt if she was not invited to the aunt's birthday party, or a weekend in Vegas, or a bachelorette party? There are many things your daughter will not attend - is she going to be sad for all of them?

 

[Jessica14]

I haven't read everything here, but sometimes people bring their kids even if they have not been invited. We invited two specific children whom I had babysat. They were probably 6 and 8 at the time. But my SIL and BIL brought their very poorly behaved 3 year old. He and one of the other kids got into a wrestling match and nearly knocked the cake over. In general, I didn't mind that another kid came. He was just a wild child at the time!I know someone else who had an outdoor wedding which seemed to signal to people that they could bring their six kids, all univited. So that may be why sometimes you see kids when you thought it was an adult only wedding.

I have been in a similar situation as the OP. I am four years older than my DB. When I got married, we had a big wedding party because having all our family in it was important-DH's three siblings, my DB, DH's dad, cousin, and BIL plus friends. Now here comes my DB wedding 10 years later and apparently I did not make a big enough deal over the engagement or the engagement ring. Many things were going on at the time. I also had a falling out with my dad, so we were not invited to the engagement party. I was also not asked to participate in the wedding itself in any capacity. Of course I went to the wedding. I was not really happy, but in the end, its their decision and on them. Maybe some wondered why I was excluded, maybe some took their side. Bottom line is, unless you want to do permanent damage, you should go. We also have not been close for years and this was not the first thing. I seem to tick them off every couple of years. I just smile and go when I'm asked for the sake of my parents. Pesonally, I would have been hurt as well if my kids were not invited, but int he end its not really your decision.
Jessica

 

[mjkacmom]

I have a 9 year old dd, and if she cried because she couldn't go to an adult wedding reception... never mind, she wouldn't. I think we have a case of single mom/only child syndrome here. Coupled with unresolved sibling resentment, and it gets ugly. We are talking about 4 HOURS, more that a YEAR away. We had an opposite issue in our family. LI wedding, and bride wants young nieces and nephews there (nightime formal reception). Parents and grandparents of the children are horrified. They finally made a deal that the kids would only stay an hour, and arranged for a sitter to pick them up.

OP, the reason your dd is upset is because you are upset. I would tell my dd "I know you had a great time at the last wedding, but this one is adults only - of course your aunt loves you, but many wedding receptions don't include children. Be happy that you got to go to the last one."

Living in this area, I attended my first wedding after college. I didn't even get to hand out programs.