WWYD...Sister's Wedding

[woodkins]

Looking for outside opinions. I am the oldest of 4 siblings. My youngest sister will be getting married next Aug ('11). My brother was married this past Feb and my 7 yr old dd was a jr. bridesmaid in the wedding, attended the reception etc. My dd is the only niece/nephew on our side of the family & the groom has one nephew who will be 12 at the time of the wedding.

We are from Long Island, NY and weddings are big affairs here. My mother informed me that my daughter will not be invited to the reception for my sister's wedding. She stated there would be "no children". My dd will be 9 yrs old at the time of the wedding. She will be "allowed" at the church, but not to the reception.

If you were me: the oldest sister & mother of a 9yr old niece of the bride...how would you feel, what would you do?

 

[scrapquitler]

We are from Long Island, NY and weddings are big affairs here. My mother informed me that my daughter will not be invited to the reception for my sister's wedding. She stated there would be "no children". My dd will be 9 yrs old at the time of the wedding. She will be "allowed" at the church, but not to the reception.

If you were me: the oldest sister & mother of a 9yr old niece of the bride...how would you feel, what would you do?

I would feel happy that Dh and I were able to have a 'date night' and I would get a babysitter. I'd then go to the wedding and have a good time.

When we got married, we also had a 'no children' wedding. That's always my preference, and even if my children WERE invited, unless it was a very casual wedding I would not take my children with me. Even for an aunt or uncle. I just don't think that children should be 'everywhere' their parents are.

 

[woodkins]

I would feel happy that Dh and I were able to have a 'date night' and I would get a babysitter. I'd then go to the wedding and have a good time.

When we got married, we also had a 'no children' wedding. That's always my preference, and even if my children WERE invited, unless it was a very casual wedding I would not take my children with me. Even for an aunt or uncle. I just don't think that children should be 'everywhere' their parents are.

I will also clarify that the reason for no children is that if they include my dd they feel they would be "opening the door" for cousins, friends etc. Not that they specifically do not want children. They are using the no kids edict to avoid telling the others NO.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I totally understand why you sister would choose to do this. When I was married 20 years ago, my cousin who was only 3 screamed during the wedding. It made my mom so mad. So later, when my sister got married, they set up a childcare area for kids, and my dd went in there instead of to the wedding. At first I was like what? But, I "got it" and she was so smart to do that.

Even though your child is older, I still think it's a good idea. The main reason is because when my BIL got married a few years ago, all of our children were in the wedding. There were kids of friends there too, and the very expensive reception was full of kids on the dance floor and all of that. The cameras that were on each table that were ment for the adults to capture fun memories, ended up in the hands of kids too. I just think that weddings are for grownups, but no offense to children because I LOVE them.

Also, when my girls get married, we will provide childcare.

 

[carolina64]

It stings! To have your child (and everyone elses) specifically not invited hurts a little when you first read it.

But truth is, children do not always have a lot of fun at evening affairs. Sometimes they drive their parents and other adults a little bonkers!

Get a sitter. Make arrangements for the sitter to do something fun with her, something she really wants to do. After all, you decided your wedding groundrules. This is her day so she can too.

 

[HeidiGW]

I find it offensive. I understand the idea of no children at a reception. But it is a wedding--a family affair--not a fancy cocktail party, where, of course, children are not required.
If there should be an exception, it should be the niece and nephew. (are they they only children in the immediate family? they are party of the family.)

Your sister should make them part of the wedding party...then they must be included in the reception. (I have been to no children reception weddings where the flower girl and ring bearer where the only kids in attendance.)

If she doesn't want on stage, ahem, altar. Make them readers, guest book attendants...any thing that requires a corsage.
If not, I'd think about not going and make it known. But, then again, I am the oldest of three and a "bully."

 

[woodkins]

It stings! To have your child (and everyone elses) specifically not invited hurts a little when you first read it.

But truth is, children do not always have a lot of fun at evening affairs. Sometimes they drive their parents and other adults a little bonkers!

Get a sitter. Make arrangements for the sitter to do something fun with her, something she really wants to do. After all, you decided your wedding groundrules. This is her day so she can too.

You are correct I did set my ground rules, which included my nieces and nephew who were 2, 6 and 10 at the time. They were the only children invited as they were immediate family.

I understand not wanting a bunch of kids at the reception, but I don't understand how you can exclude immediate family members. She is also my daughter's godmother, to pour salt in the wound LOL

 

[Bren's Mom]

If you were me: the oldest sister & mother of a 9yr old niece of the bride...how would you feel, what would you do?

I would think that the bride wanted an adults only reception, my 9 yo is not an adult, therefore I'd be finding a sitter. For nights like this with my side of the family, my MIL is happy to sit with ds. My mom for in-law events. And for times when either isn't available, we have a wonderful 'for hire' sitter.

 

[scrapquitler]

I will also clarify that the reason for no children is that if they include my dd they feel they would be "opening the door" for cousins, friends etc. Not that they specifically do not want children. They are using the no kids edict to avoid telling the others NO.

That is part of why we had the no children rule. There was one 9/10 year old on DH side of the family, no other children. On my side of the family however, there were about 8-10 of them under age 10. There was no way to invite one without all of them. My MIL kept saying "But J (the 9/10 year old) will be no problem" and we jut kept saying, yes, but then we will have to have almost a dozen children...and with a venue that wouldn't discount a child meal, we were not going there.

Bottom line, it doesn't matter WHAT the reason for the no children rule is. Enjoy your night with the DH.

 

[Bren's Mom]

to pour salt in the wound LOL

The only 'wound' is in your head, though...I'm sure your sister didn't intend for this to be wounding you or dd...she would just like to have only adults at her reception. It's really pretty straightforward. Regardless of her reasons behind it, you need to simply accept it and move on. Being 'wounded' isn't going to change her mind, it's only going to cause everyone grief.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

I find it offensive. I understand the idea of no children at a reception. But it is a wedding--a family affair--not a fancy cocktail party, where, of course, children are not required.
If there should be an exception, it should be the niece and nephew. (are they they only children in the immediate family? they are party of the family.)

Your sister should make them part of the wedding party...then they must be included in the reception. (I have been to no children reception weddings where the flower girl and ring bearer where the only kids in attendance.)

If she doesn't want on stage, ahem, altar. Make them readers, guest book attendants...any thing that requires a corsage.
If not, I'd think about not going and make it known. But, then again, I am the oldest of three and a "bully."

I agree! And I also like the idea of the poster that wrote about having a separate room for childcare.

 

[Familyof4lovesDW]

Say she is 10 and is a disney adult I would not go and make it is know because my child was not welcomed I would not attend. I think it is rude and would take it personal. Ask her how she would feel if in your situation, which would be hard for her if she does not have kids.

I think she should include them in the wedding some how since they are the only close children in the family. They are 9 and 12 not babies. They are not going to scream and cause a scene.

As for the pp whose cousin screamed at her wedding, where were the parents to take her out so it would be peaceful fo others. There was a child of my friends that was not cooperating at our wedding so she left after the reception started and took her out during the ceremony.

 

[kathie859]

And children were part of the deal. There was a crying 2 yr old seated in the audience--now, to her credit, her mother took her out via a side aisle BUT it was distracting nonetheless. I can only imagine the sound quality of the video The flower girls (there were two) behaved up to a point. One had to be carried off the altar area because she wouldn't stand with the other attendants. Again, very distracting and made it difficult to focus on what was being said. At the reception (at a country club) there was a special menu for the kids (chicken fingers/fries) which was served first--no doubt hoping to settle down the kids. Well, it didn't work for long. It amazes me that parents don't/won't control their children in a formal setting.

SOOO....to the point of the bride requesting "no children", it's her day and if children don't fit in with her vision so be it.

My niece was marred about 2 years ago and "no children" was requested. Her cousin (my DD) choose to stay home rather than to not bring her young children and that was fine. Everyone has to make their own choice.

 

[tiggger1]

Im sorry but if this was my sister there would be a major smackdown

1st-I understand the no kid thing but if my sister didnt invite her ONLY niece to the wedding there would trouble..

2nd- your sister didn't have the guts to tell you no kids.. she went thru Mommy..your old enough to get married...stop acting like a child!

3rd- you said that there was your dd9 and BIL dn12...its not like they are going to throw a fit and cry during the ceremony!

Weddings are a FAMILY event. My children are FAMILY If my (immediate) FAMILY didnt even invite my children I probably wouldn't speak to them again! Thankfully I dont have to worry about it because my dd was in my sister's and will be in my brother's in May

I had a ton of kids at my wedding ( I think I had 12) I was a nanny. The kids I took care of were in my wedding..All 3 of the families I watched came. the youngest 2 were the flower girl and Ring Bearer. The 3 oldest did the gifts during the ceremony and the 2 middle ones passed out the programs. I even made them their own favor boxes with juice boxes, snacks, toys, crayons and fun books!

 

[woodkins]

Also forgot to add this info...she is more than welcome to attend the church/mass (where she is free $$ to attend)...in fact my sister told my mom she wants dd to hand out the booklets or bubbles. So it isn't an issue of behavior, disruptions etc. She is more than welcome to attend the hour long serious, quiet Roman Catholic mass, just not the party that follows.

As an interesting side note: every person who I have discussed the wedding with first asks what role in the bridal party dd has, then when I tell them none, that she is not being invited they are all SHOCKED! It is interesting to see others points of view on it.

 

[krcit]

I would be fine with no kids. I live on LI(born and raised) and have been to a ton of weddings. I honestly can't remember ever seeing kids at the receptions. I would just enjoy the night out with my DH. I really can't believe that people are saying that they wouldn't go to the wedding or wouldn't speak to their sister ever again. Really? I can understand OP feeling hurt but I think this is a case of just sucking it up and not make a big deal about it.

 

[mjkacmom]

How many people have vented on this board that their children were excluded from a wedding, but closer family member's kids were included, and it wasn't fair? For those who think weddings are family affairs, and not formal cocktail parties, they obviously don't live here. It's rare for children to attend weddings, even immediate family.

It's 4 hours, nothing to get bunched panties for. The kids would probably be bored silly, or witness some silly drunken adult behavior they don't need to be watching. Give the bride a break and not have to explain to others why their kids aren't invited. My sister had a destination wedding. My kids (ages 2 and 4) were in the ceremony, but not invited to the reception - I used the resort babysitters. They were also not invited to the reception at my parents' house (my sister moved out of state, and wanted to celebrate with her childhood friends and family who couldn't make it to the destination wedding). Her wedding, her choice. I never even questioned it.

BTW, my out-of-state nieces and nephews were invited and came to my reception, because I didn't mind having children there (daytime wedding, less formal, historic mansion).

 

[Costumesaremylife]

I am sorry I don't understand the reason why, "it's the brides wish" is completely understandable for there to be a No kids rule, when the same reason cannot be applied to the brides niece and nephew being in attendance. They are not screaming two year olds. If the bride wished for them to be there, they could be there.

To add insult to injury, she told your mom she wants your daughter to hand out crap at the church? No freaking way. She probably wants a photo taken then so that she pretend she did a good thing.

I'd be on the phone to my sister telling her what was what. I just can't believe she's treating her niece/goddaughter that way.

In case you wonder, I don't have kids, but I do have siblings.

 

[Cooky]

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[cheshireqt]

Hmm this one is tough. Not sure if the wedding is out of town and a babysitter is out of the question? Perhaps, just maybe, your sister does not think it is "fair" that just b/c she is the youngest that she has to have nieces and nephews at her wedding? Maybe her husband-to-be has a bunch of wild cut-loose friends and she does not want her sweet little niece exposed to it? Maybe the wedding is getting expensive and this is one area to cut back? Who knows what her reasons are, since she had your Mother handle the conversation with you. My 2cent, I would not take it personally. Different people like and want different things and a lot can change in the next year to year and a half. Go, enjoy the wedding, give your sister the attention she deserves.
Now if the wedding is out of town and you would be in a hotel I can see why that would rub you the wrong way and scratch the previous of what I said.