Wedding invitation snub

[Southernmiss]

I don’t agree. We looked at who we wanted there and then what kind of wedding we could afford to cater for that number.
I do have a large extended family but given they are in Canada and we are in NZ inviting them all was no issue. This did mean that the grooms side was larger than mine, that’s just the way it goes. There is no way that he should have to cut his family member out just so numbers are even.



Honestly if someone is showing me how much they care (btw he is showing its not a lot) to not invite me or give me the courtesy to at least say Hi Aunty @AustinTink I am really sorry I won’t be able to invite you to the wedding because x (although in my opinion I can’t see a valid reason, if you want someone there you invite them)
Then there is no way I am sending them a gift.

So you did invite all your relatives to your wedding and they came?

 

[mummabear]

That isn't being the better person in this situation that is just being a sucker

Yup, This ^

it is her wedding

I think this can often be used as an excuse for bad manners or self involved decisions.

 

[mummabear]

So you did invite all your relatives to your wedding and they came?

Yes we did invite them all, no they did not all come (it’s a 12-14 hour flight costing at least $1k)

 

[nancygirl1]

OP I really am sorry this is happening to your family and I know it must hurt. However, it was not only yourself excluded but all your other siblings as well, except for one. So there is that comfort that you were not signalled out. I would not communicate with your sister anymore concerning the wedding, based on the text she sent you. She knows you are not invited and does not want to be straightforward and explain why. Awkward, especially when you say how close you are (or thought you were). There is no way I can believe that your nephew, a man in his 30's, does not know who is on the wedding list. Those lists are done and re-done so many times before the invites are sent out. The bride could not have prepared the list without his input and if he wanted you there, you would be on the list. So, he is, in my opinion, in agreement in not inviting his aunts/uncles/cousins whether it is by his in-laws request since they are paying or not enough space at the venue (or for any other reason).
I assume your sister knows you are your aunt's caregiver/helper and even then she was invited and you were not. What is there to say to them?

Honestly, I would not give them the satisfaction of looking like you are begging to go, that your feelings are hurt etc. and I certainly would never consider buying a gift for them. Listen you your dh and save your money for people who care.

P.S. Save all the money you would have spent on the gifts for the shower/wedding, new clothes, hairdresser etc. for your immediate family to attend and plan a nice little get away for your family. Money much better spent!

I couldn't agree more! You're not invited, family dynamics are complicated, accept it for what it is and move on.

 

[Southernmiss]

Yes we did invite them all, no they did not come (it’s a 12-14 hour flight costing at least $1k)

So you invited them, knowing it could be cost/distance prohibitive and some wouldn't come because of cost/distance?

 

[Sabeking]

Yup, This ^



I think this can often be used as an excuse for bad manners or self involved decisions.

I agree completely!!

 

[mummabear]

So you invited them, knowing it could be cost/distance prohibitive and some wouldn't come because of cost/distance?

I invited the people who I wanted to attend. But yes we were aware that not everyone would be able to make it (although did not know specifically who would and wouldn’t)

 

[LSUmiss]

We are very much on the same page about all of this. Thank you. Not bringing it up might not be healthy in all my other relationships, but where my sister is involved it is for the best. If talking to my nephew upset her and she had a manic episode because of it then things would be bad between us all forever. I know my sister. I love her and I love him and I'm going to stay mum until it's all over. I will reach out to him after the wedding.

There is also a possibility that you really won’t get a truthful answer b/c no one likes to be confronted. So, while I see the impulse to want to ask, I’m not sure it would end up helping you anyway. Even if they say it’s $, or small, or wife’s family decision, you’ll probably still fell hurt (understandably) that you didn’t make the cut compared to others who did (kind of like a pp said happened to her).

 

[AustinTink]

Well, everyone, we had a major catastrophe at our home this evevning, so I won't be around tomorrow to chat. Thank you for all for the advice. It is amazing how everything falls into perspective when your worry shifts from an invitation snub to worrying that the second floor of your home is going to collapse into the first floor before the workers arrive in the morning. Thanks for the kind words and the strong pushes. I appreciate all of them. I'll check back in probably tomorrow evening.

 

[LSUmiss]

Your sister seems manipulative. "Don't talk to my son, or else I will have a manic episode."

And as a mental health professional, I can tell you that sounds like a personality disorder! Ppl don’t chose when to have a manic episode if they’re truly bipolar or schizoaffective.

Also, it could be the manipulative sister is the reason for the snub, if he does everything she wants. She may be mad or whatever especially since her response to OP was so vague. I regret it now, but I didn’t invite my dad’s only brother & sister whom I had been close to my whole life b/c of a family rift that they had a couple years before my wedding.
I wasn’t as old as the OP’s nephew so although technically an adult, I did feel a loyalty to keep my dad happy. Now my dad wasn’t manipulative like OP’s sister sounds &, at the time, I actually agreed with my dad’s feelings on the issue. But, now I’m close to those relatives again & he was too before he died. But, I still feel bad that they weren’t included in that day .

 

[gary1955]

@AustinTink if your sister is that unstable I can see just letting it go until after the wedding. after that if you want to continue having a relationship with your nephew, contact him to talk.

She is in her 80's and legally blind. I am always her official escort at any sort of family function. I take her around by the arm and generally take care of her the whole evening. She feels like she can't manage it alone. She doesn't have any children of her own so I take care of her as much as possible.

my aunt's granddaughter is getting married next month. they are getting married at a winery on Friday afternoon with an evening dinner celebration. which means arriving early Friday due to heavy traffic and an overnight hotel stay.

several months ago maybe 6-9 months my aunt started telling relatives that the location wasn't very large so out side of the bride and grooms family just my aunts generation would be invited. I was later informed by my aunt that I should save the date because I was expected to drive some of my elderly relatives to the event. as it turned out the "old folks" (my aunt's wording) declined and I also declined after checking with my cousin to confirm that the transportation issues had been resolved. I typically only see my cousin and his family about once a year.

 

[laughinplace199]

Well, everyone, we had a major catastrophe at our home this evevning, so I won't be around tomorrow to chat. Thank you for all for the advice. It is amazing how everything falls into perspective when your worry shifts from an invitation snub to worrying that the second floor of your home is going to collapse into the first floor before the workers arrive in the morning. Thanks for the kind words and the strong pushes. I appreciate all of them. I'll check back in probably tomorrow evening.

Wow - I hope everything and everyone is ok!

 

[mamamary]

I sure hope everything with your house works out ok

 

[Owlpost23]

AustinTink, I would have been very hurt being excluded from a family wedding where I was close to the family members as well. Hugs to you.

But having been on the other side of the “aisle,” I empathize with the choices of who gets invited to weddings!

I come from a LARGE family. My Mom has 5 siblings and I have 16 cousins on her side. My dad has 2 siblings with 10 cousins that were married with kids. Most lived in the NY tristate area or were willing to travel back for special occasions. My granduncle and his entire branch of family also lived in the area. Ironically, I was an only child.

DH’s parents owned their own business with many employees who all thought they were family. My DH and I grew up in the same large church where we knew everyone.

We knew at that time it would be a HUGE weeding. The largest venue we could find was 600 people. We split the guest list evenly into thirds, to each of our parents and our friends. And we had to cut.

Who to invite from church? No plus ones unless married or engaged. We BOTH had to know them well.

We got married over 20 years ago. TO THIS DAY, there are people upset we didn’t invite them, especially since we invited over 600 people.

For example, there is one family from church, the Mom was close to my Mom. They have 3 sons. Son #1 was married with a baby. He was older than us so we were never in the same social group. But his Mom wanted me to befriend his new bride and I went to her baby shower, etc. DH was the same age as Son #2 and they grew up together. Son #3 was one year younger than me but we went to school together and had the same social group. We had to cut Son#1 and his family from our list because DH didn’t really know him that well. Their mother was bitter he was excluded since our “entire” family was “tight.” And everyone else in their family was invited!!

In our large youth group, there was a girl that we both knew well who got invited, she had a roommate who was also in our youth group but didn’t get invited. DH knew her well, but I did not. She had just started dating a very good friend of mine. He was my first friend in Sunday school. So, it was very awkward because both her roommate and her boyfriend were invited but she was excluded. They later got married and we were not invited but that was totally ok!

Most of my parents spots went to family and clergy and more people from church. I found out years later, long time family friends were mad at my parents for not inviting them to their only daughter’s wedding.

Anyway, looking back, we should have eloped!! Lol.

Fast forward to last weekend. My cousin got married! It was a small venue. About 200 people. They had to limit it to just family and VERY close friends. I think his side of the family took up about a third or more of the guest list. In fact the pastor joked if everyone at the wedding was a cousin of the groom. My daughter happened to be on college spring break and was able to attend. But I had told my aunt, his mother, if it would be easier for them, she didn’t “have to fly home.” She said that family was invited and welcome but no one else. She and her husband plan to have a separate reception/banquet for the newlyweds in the summer to invite all the friends and church family that’s they couldn’t invite to the actual wedding.

I think after going through my own and attending a gazillion weddings, I am very understanding about how difficult it is to include or exclude people and family.

My first thought after reading the previous posts, is the the brides family is paying and calling the shots on how many people they could invite on the groom’s side. This could be very embarrassing for them to admit to family and friends. And they may be just burying their heads in the sand, avoiding the subject and hoping no one asks them about it.

It doesn’t hurt any less to be excluded but maybe they were forced to limit their guest list and is making it worse by using the avoidance tactic and burning bridges.

Looking back there people I wish I didn’t invite and other people I didn’t that I wish I did. Oh well...

 

[Owlpost23]

600 people isn't a wedding reception,it's an emerging new nation.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Honestly, it sounds like your nephew wants to avoid drama. I can understand it. Sounds like there is a lot of knee-jerk emotional response ( crying every day, assuming that they are trying to ut themselves off from you, etc) in your family, and he just wants a happy stress free day.

I find it interesting that suddenly there is a new tragedy in your life after 8 pages of people giving you the same advice (talk to him). Could be very telling of why he didn't invite you. Hearing about others' constant life issues can be very draining, and I'd imagine years and years of it could wear you down.

Anyway, I hope your family and home are ok. Good luck with your nephew.

 

[sk!mom]

Talking to him after the wedding won't solve anything either.

After many pages and the OP shutting down the same advice over and over, one starts to wonder if drama is the way in this family. And that a desire by the bride and groom to avoid drama is the reason for limiting the guest list.

I, also, have a large extended family. I am close to some of them but apparently the way many of us define close differs from the way the OP does. With those I'm close to and see often, this conversation would have already occurred. The wedding would have been discussed often and if I wasn't invited for some reason, it would have come up. And if for some weird unknown reason, it hadn't come up, I'd have no problem having a calm conversation.

I simply do not understand, "we're close but I cannot talk to him." Those statements don't match up to me. To me, closeness implies the ability to communicate even when the topics are difficult. In a close relationship, difficult topics can be discussed calmly and without drama.

Best wishes today, OP with your home issues.

 

[ronandannette]

I think that is a terrible idea. Discussing and clearing up the relationship now, if possible, makes sense. Waiting until after the wedding is really passive aggressive, "Let me bring up this slight now that you can do very little to rectify it...


...I also would not send a gift. A gift is sent when one is invited yet declines.

The first part I totally agree with. The second part I totally disagree. I’m one of those weirdos that feels like a gift is freely given because you want to bless the recipient, not as an “admission fee” to some party.

I can’t count the number of shower and wedding gifts I’ve given over the years to people who mean something to us but we’ve not been invited to their weddings. And who among us hasn’t been part of the ubiquitous “group gift” for a coworker? I can’t imagine anybody saying “Nope, not invited to the wedding, I’m not chipping in.”

 

[North of Mouse]

Everyone should just elope - then at least the drama can come AFTER the wedding!!!

 

[Southernmiss]

I don’t agree. We looked at who we wanted there and then what kind of wedding we could afford to cater for that number.
I do have a large extended family but given they are in Canada and we are in NZ inviting them all was no issue. This did mean that the grooms side was larger than mine, that’s just the way it goes. There is no way that he should have to cut his family member out just so numbers are even.



Honestly if someone is showing me how much they care (btw he is showing its not a lot) to not invite me or give me the courtesy to at least say Hi Aunty @AustinTink I am really sorry I won’t be able to invite you to the wedding because x (although in my opinion I can’t see a valid reason, if you want someone there you invite them)
Then there is no way I am sending them a gift.

I said you have to draw the line somewhere (that you were replying to) on page one. I am sure that you also had to draw the line of who to invite somewhere. One does not invite everyone they remotely know to a wedding.

In our case, we had 100 people to invite (family, friends, etc.), DS and his bride each had 50 including the wedding party to invite, and the bride's parents had 100 people they could invite. For the bride's parents and us, this included our close relatives (all of my siblings and their children, all of dh's siblings and most of their children-there are some grown cousins to ds that live 1000 miles away that we knew could not afford to come and that DS sees rarely-they were not invited so it would not look like a gift grab and the same for the bride's side of the family) friends who were a part of our children's lives growing up and some work contacts that we each had to invite. We had to draw the line at inviting my aunts and uncle who live 1500 miles away and have never met ds. My uncle (the brother to these aunts and uncle) who lives in town and has been a part of Ds's growing up was invited. All those very close to DS and his wife were included and invited. Had we really needed to invite 5 or 10 more people that would have been okay, too.

Everyone has a line that they have to use to invite people. That line is a little different for every family. Not right or wrong, just different.

Bride's family paid for a very nice affair and the 300 closest friends and family were invited and there. We paid for a very nice formal rehearsal dinner for 50 people. Do many people have more than 300 close friends and family to invite to a wedding?