Wedding invitation snub

[AustinTink]

At this point I think I will let it die. I'm too hurt and angry to have a conversation with anyone. Thinking back over the last couple of months, i remembered that my nephew declined two invitations to hang out with us. One occasion was a special ceremony for another one of the cousins. There would have been a lot of family at this event. He told us he already had tickets to a movie. This was a week before the event. I think he didn't want to see any of the people he knew were not invited. I assume the invitations had gone out by then and we just didn't know about it.

 

[pweyl36]

Actually we see my nephew all the time and I have known his fiancee for 6 years. We have family game nights at my house all the time with both of them in attendance. We do things with them very frequently. I have been in his life for 33 years and have always been there for him when he needs me. He is not religious, neither is his mother, so the godparent role has never had a religious vibe but has always been meaningful to both of us.

This is so stupid,you see him all the time. Ask him I could not not ask wth! Just do it then you will feel better.

 

[cabanafrau]

At this point I think I will let it die. I'm too hurt and angry to have a conversation with anyone. Thinking back over the last couple of months, i remembered that my nephew declined two invitations to hang out with us. One occasion was a special ceremony for another one of the cousins. There would have been a lot of family at this event. He told us he already had tickets to a movie. This was a week before the event. I think he didn't want to see any of the people he knew were not invited. I assume the invitations had gone out by then and we just didn't know about it.

I wouldn't be all too convinced that this is happening at your nephew's direction. This sounds like he may be caught and doesn't know how to deal with it so he's avoiding it. If the relationship truly means something to you the opportunity is there to see to it that the valuable thing is preserved, the relationship. The wedding is only one day. Your heartache will recover from one day. Losing the relationship would be the big deal.

 

[Allison]

Actually we see my nephew all the time and I have known his fiancee for 6 years. We have family game nights at my house all the time with both of them in attendance. We do things with them very frequently. I have been in his life for 33 years and have always been there for him when he needs me. He is not religious, neither is his mother, so the godparent role has never had a religious vibe but has always been meaningful to both of us.

I'm sorry but I just don't get it. I don't understand how you can have this close of a relationship with someone and not be willing to talk about this. How can you not be able to communicate with someone you care so much about? You are all adults. Why speculate and fret over the unknown and the assumed instead of dealing with the ramifications of the truth? Your unwillingness to communicate is almost as dysfunctional as your sister's behavior. It isn't healthy for you. I really, really hope you will consider honesty instead of avoidance. That isn't good for any family. I really hope this gets better for you. You seem like a nice person.

 

[Wendy31]

@AustinTink, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would be hurt & confused too.

Given what you've said, I would not want to contact my sister for various reasons. I would also have a hard time asking my nephew because I would not want to put him in an awkward spot or make him feel uncomfortable. I'm not even sure how one would go about asking.

The ONLY reason I MAY say something to him would be if I was concerned he thought we had received an invitation & then would wonder why we weren't attending. But, again, I'm not sure how to even bring something like that up.

I would still send a gift & a nice card.

If you cherish the relationship you have w/ your nephew & his fiance, I would try very, very hard to not let this wedding hurt that relationship - especially if you think he really had no say w/ whom was invited & not invited. The wedding is one day out of a lifetime. Your sister has not been gracious & kind to you, but I would continue to extend grace & kindness to my nephew & his new wife.

 

[Cubbiecakes]

I would be hurt, but maybe it’s because the bride has a small family, perhaps the family doesn’t have a big friend group, and the groom is inviting the same amount of guests as the bride, which would make sense if they are paying.

However, it’s bizarre that an explanation wasn’t offered.

There is no reason to offer explanations when you haven’t been asked for one.

I’m just agog that the OP is so avoidant she can’t even talk to a relative she says she has such a “special” relationship with. This is high school drama stuff, you need to act like a grown woman.

 

[AustinTink]

@AustinTink, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would be hurt & confused too.

Given what you've said, I would not want to contact my sister for various reasons. I would also have a hard time asking my nephew because I would not want to put him in an awkward spot or make him feel uncomfortable. I'm not even sure how one would go about asking.

The ONLY reason I MAY say something to him would be if I was concerned he thought we had received an invitation & then would wonder why we weren't attending. But, again, I'm not sure how to even bring something like that up.

I would still send a gift & a nice card.

If you cherish the relationship you have w/ your nephew & his fiance, I would try very, very hard to not let this wedding hurt that relationship - especially if you think he really had no say w/ whom was invited & not invited. The wedding is one day out of a lifetime. Your sister has not been gracious & kind to you, but I would continue to extend grace & kindness to my nephew & his new wife.

It will be difficult, but I will still be the same person I have always been to him. Once the dust settles I will reach out to him. My mother taught me to forgive and forget even in the most uncomfortable of situations. I will be doing this in her memory.

 

[Wendy31]

I'm really kind of shocked at the number of people who could go up to someone & ask, "Why wasn't I invited?"

No matter how gently you phrase it or in how much of a "roundabout" way you try to ask, I think it's kind of rude to put someone on the spot like that.

If you think your invitation was lost, that's one thing, but I'm still not sure how to bring it up w/o it looking like you're wondering why you weren't invited.

Perhaps, in some circumstances, giving family members an explanation is the gracious thing to do, but, if family is not given an explanation, I'm not sure there's a polite way to ask for an explanation. Like another poster said, if for whatever reason (money, limited guest list, limited venue, whatever), you choose not to invite any of your aunts & uncles, do you then need to go to each aunt & uncle & explain why?

And, yes, weddings can sadly cause huge rifts in families.

It will be difficult, but I will still be the same person I have always been to him. Once the dust settles I will reach out to him. My mother taught me to forgive and forget even in the most uncomfortable of situations. I will be doing this in her memory.

Again, I'm sorry!! I know it's difficult, & I admire you for taking the high road. And I think doing so in your mother's memory is a lovely way to honor her & her legacy.

 

[Nancyg56]

I'm sorry but I just don't get it. I don't understand how you can have this close of a relationship with someone and not be willing to talk about this. How can you not be able to communicate with someone you care so much about? You are all adults. Why speculate and fret over the unknown and the assumed instead of dealing with the ramifications of the truth? Your unwillingness to communicate is almost as dysfunctional as your sister's behavior. It isn't healthy for you. I really, really hope you will consider honesty instead of avoidance. That isn't good for any family. I really hope this gets better for you. You seem like a nice person.

I cannot speak for the OP, but I can for myself. I did not discuss how hurt I was to be excluded from my sisters wedding with her. She told us she "could not afford" it, so IMO she had already made up her mind. She had been changing for a while and I knew that her own adult children were having difficulty with her decisions and her mindset so I was not going to make the situation any more difficult. To be honest, I was not willing to put myself in a situation where she might say something she could not take back and that would damage our relationship further.

She has since asked her daughter why we people are so "mean" to her, and was told to look in the mirror. I love my sister dearly adn I would move Heaven and Earth for her, but I have had to have some difficult conversations with her in the past few years, becasue there are some lines that are just not okay for anyone, not ever her to cross. Adding stress over a wedding invitation was simply not worth it. She does not know how much she hurt me, and I am not going to tell her. I hope I never have to "open up" to some of the things I have kept to myself because she really does not get that the boundaries she crosses when she sets out on something she wants.

 

[mjkacmom]

There is no reason to offer explanations when you haven’t been asked for one.

I’m just agog that the OP is so avoidant she can’t even talk to a relative she says she has such a “special” relationship with. This is high school drama stuff, you need to act like a grown woman.

In my family, if close family members weren’t invited to a wedding, an explanation would definitely be offered. However, my fami,y (and DH’s family) are pretty darn functional, there are no eggshells to tiptoe over, and in this case phone calls would be happening ASAP. That’s why we are functional, we don’t just guess, we ask.

 

[AuntieMe3]

I'm so sorry you weren't invited. I would've felt hurt as well.

 

[sk!mom]

You feel like this is the end of the relationship, but you see each other all of the time? Have the conversation with him and maybe you won't find a reason to torment yourself after all.

Right! Why just let it end rather than ask.

I'm sorry but I just don't get it. I don't understand how you can have this close of a relationship with someone and not be willing to talk about this. How can you not be able to communicate with someone you care so much about? You are all adults. Why speculate and fret over the unknown and the assumed instead of dealing with the ramifications of the truth? Your unwillingness to communicate is almost as dysfunctional as your sister's behavior. It isn't healthy for you. I really, really hope you will consider honesty instead of avoidance. That isn't good for any family. I really hope this gets better for you. You seem like a nice person.

Me neither. My niece got married last spring. We are close and often get together. The wedding was the number one topic at virtually every get together. How are the plans going? Sitting while she scrolled through bridesmaid dress options. Helping her research possible honeymoon destinations.

OP, I get your extreme upset at the situation but your reluctance to have a difficult conversation to try and mend the relationship really does paint you as contributing to the dysfunction. Your nephew may well regard the relationship as shallow and one sided if his upcoming wedding is never discussed and you cannot have a meaningful conversation.

There is no reason to offer explanations when you haven’t been asked for one.

I’m just agog that the OP is so avoidant she can’t even talk to a relative she says she has such a “special” relationship with. This is high school drama stuff, you need to act like a grown woman.

Yes, the more she refuses to do more then discuss it with other family members rather than going to the source is very "high school." Could this be part of the nephews reason for leaving out some family? Is there a lot of drama there rather than adult mature interaction?

In my family, if close family members weren’t invited to a wedding, an explanation would definitely be offered. However, my fami,y (and DH’s family) are pretty darn functional, there are no eggshells to tiptoe over, and in this case phone calls would be happening ASAP. That’s why we are functional, we don’t just guess, we ask.

Yes! Functional adults in mature relationships can say, "Hey what's going on? Have I hurt you?"

 

[sk!mom]

I'm really kind of shocked at the number of people who could go up to someone & ask, "Why wasn't I invited?"

No matter how gently you phrase it or in how much of a "roundabout" way you try to ask, I think it's kind of rude to put someone on the spot like that.

If you think your invitation was lost, that's one thing, but I'm still not sure how to bring it up w/o it looking like you're wondering why you weren't invited.

Perhaps, in some circumstances, giving family members an explanation is the gracious thing to do, but, if family is not given an explanation, I'm not sure there's a polite way to ask for an explanation. Like another poster said, if for whatever reason (money, limited guest list, limited venue, whatever), you choose not to invite any of your aunts & uncles, do you then need to go to each aunt & uncle & explain why?

And, yes, weddings can sadly cause huge rifts in families.



Again, I'm sorry!! I know it's difficult, & I admire you for taking the high road. And I think doing so in your mother's memory is a lovely way to honor her & her legacy.

But this isn't just asking anyone- an acquaintance or friend. This is asking a very close family member, you've been close in their life since birth, you still see them regularly, etc...

I'm not suggesting, "Hey, where is my invite?" but rather, "Hey our relationship is feeling fractured. What have I done? How can we repair it? You are important to me."

Honestly, OP, if you let this go off without question, it may signal an irreparable rift. If your nephew has felt wronged in some way that would have him leave you out, you need to figure it out instead of feeding the drama by discussing with everyone else in the family.

 

[Wendy31]

But this isn't just asking anyone- and acquaintance or friend. This asking a very close family member, you've been close in their life since birth, you still see them regularly, etc...

I'm not suggesting, "Hey, where is my invite?" but rather, "Hey our relationship is feeling fractured. What have I done? How can we repair it? You are important to me."

Honestly, OP, if you let this go off without question, it may signal an irreparable rift. If your nephew has felt wronged in some way that would have him leave you out, you need to figure it out instead of feeding the drama by discussing with everyone else in the family.

I know, & I get what you're saying. Family is very different than acquaintances.

But, I just think, in most families, if only a certain number of family members were going to be invited for whatever reason, you wouldn't even have to ask... that kind of information would just get naturally filtered through the various family members - "[Nephew] could only invite so many due to the bride's guest list...", "That crazy venue they chose will only hold so many...", "They're having a destination wedding..." "They're not inviting any aunts & uncles..."

Obviously, there's something going on in this family. In both my family & DH's family, we have the type of relationships w/ our siblings, that, if we weren't going to be invited to a niece's or nephew's wedding, we'd know why.

But that's not the case here, & it's already seemingly a touchy, volatile situation.

If I were the OP, I'd just hate to make my nephew feel more uncomfortable or awkward about the situation than he probably already does.

Speaking from experience, & not quite the same thing, but I got involved in the family drama over a wedding shower & then the fallout after the shower when DH's brother was getting married, &, to this day, I regret every bit of it. I wish I had just stayed out of it, & simply been supportive of my BIL & his new wife.

 

[Skellingtonj]

It's funny when you think you are very close to someone and then when it's time for the wedding invitations to go out, it turns out you are not. Do you get your feelings hurt when you aren't invited to something when you thought you would be?

Yes the same thing happened to me. Close friend/co-worker didn’t invite me to her wedding. And she invited almost our whole department. It was weird and upsetting.

 

[cabanafrau]

It will be difficult, but I will still be the same person I have always been to him. Once the dust settles I will reach out to him. My mother taught me to forgive and forget even in the most uncomfortable of situations. I will be doing this in her memory.

But this isn't just asking anyone- and acquaintance or friend. This asking a very close family member, you've been close in their life since birth, you still see them regularly, etc...

I'm not suggesting, "Hey, where is my invite?" but rather, "Hey our relationship is feeling fractured. What have I done? How can we repair it? You are important to me."

Honestly, OP, if you let this go off without question, it may signal an irreparable rift. If your nephew has felt wronged in some way that would have him leave you out, you need to figure it out instead of feeding the drama by discussing with everyone else in the family.

Precisely, the conversation isn't indignation and irreparable harm about the invite. The conversation is a check-in to see if everything is okay. The fact that virtually an entire branch of the family is being left out of the invites signals that it's not very likely the lack of invite is malicious or in any way a response to something that's taken place. It seems likely it's something to do with numbers. It also seems the nephew may be shamed and stressed and using avoidance. It seems OP is very well-placed to reach out to her nephew and offer a bridge over the chasm.

The bridge isn't built to secure an invitation. The bridge is built to insure the relationship endures. For that reason OP might want to dial down the emotion of the post above, it reads a bit martyr-ish. Think big picture. Think future game nights -- think of the possibility of being a meaningful part of their prospective children's lives. There seems to be only benefit in prioritizing the relationship over the wedding day. Gloss over the wedding day being a "snub" and make it clear you want to keep a great, big WELCOME mat ready for them.

 

[cabanafrau]

I know, & I get what you're saying. Family is very different than acquaintances.

But, I just think, in most families, if only a certain number of family members were going to be invited for whatever reason, you wouldn't even have to ask... that kind of information would just get naturally filtered through the various family members - "[Nephew] could only invite so many due to the bride's guest list...", "That crazy venue they chose will only hold so many...", "They're having a destination wedding..." "They're not inviting any aunts & uncles..."

Obviously, there's something going on in this family. In both my family & DH's family, we have the type of relationships w/ our siblings, that, if we weren't going to be invited to a niece's or nephew's wedding, we'd know why.

But that's not the case here, & it's already seemingly a touchy, volatile situation.

If I were the OP, I'd just hate to make my nephew feel more uncomfortable or awkward about the situation than he probably already does.

Speaking from experience, & not quite the same thing, but I got involved in the family drama over a wedding shower & then the fallout after the shower when DH's brother was getting married, &, to this day, I regret every bit of it. I wish I had just stayed out of it, & simply been supportive of my BIL & his new wife.

It seems likely in this family the likely conduit that information would get filtered through may be incapable or unwilling to pass along the information -- groom's mother/OP's sister. If the groom is afraid to face the music, his mother unwilling to pass along the info. and his family unwilling to make the step to inquire that things will just fracture and potentially fester.

 

[Nancyg56]

Precisely, the conversation isn't indignation and irreparable harm about the invite. The conversation is a check-in to see if everything is okay. The fact that virtually an entire branch of the family is being left out of the invites signals that it's not very likely the lack of invite is malicious or in any way a response to something that's taken place. It seems likely it's something to do with numbers. It also seems the nephew may be shamed and stressed and using avoidance. It seems OP is very well-placed to reach out to her nephew and offer a bridge over the chasm.

.

Is it? Or is it what the issue woudl be if you or I had had to make that decision? In my sister's case the cost, or "number" was what we were told, however that was not the case. My sister's personality had been changing fro a number of years. Her reaction to questionsing of her decisions was not always pleasant, and I had alreaay had a few occassion that necessitated a conversation which left our relationship (My relationship with her. Her relationship with me remained the same...she honestly did not and does not comprehend that she can be hurtful)damaged. There were 4 of us, 3 of us girls and 1 brother. We have since lost my older sister and nothing can change that she left her siblings out of her special day but included her new husbands entire "branch" as well as a slew of friends. She cannot make that slight up to Pat, and God forbid we lose my brother. He and I had chosen to accept her rational without question, and I am not sorry. For my family, meaning my brother and sisters, this was indeed the adult way to handle a situation that none of us liked, that was hurtful to all of us, but that we knew if questioned could result in more of a rift. Funny thing: for my sister there never was a problem. She really believed she could not afford to feed us!

I believe that to many what may seem to be a bridge would actually be the straw that broke the back.

 

[Bren's Mom]

But this isn't just asking anyone- an acquaintance or friend. This is asking a very close family member, you've been close in their life since birth, you still see them regularly, etc...

I'm not suggesting, "Hey, where is my invite?" but rather, "Hey our relationship is feeling fractured. What have I done? How can we repair it? You are important to me."

I agree! I'm the first one to counsel someone NOT to ask if they can bring a date, why weren't they invited, etc. But in this case, it seems to me a grown adult should have KNOWN that not getting an invite would likely upset close family and OFFER an explanation up front.

When I married the second time, it was a second for my dh as well. For all of his cousin's marriages, all the cousins were invited. (As they were to HIS first wedding.) We were expecting a child, and we didn't want to spend a lot of money. We decided on a very intimate 40 person brunch. But that meant we had to limit the guest list to parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles. And one table of close friends. That was it. We wanted to be sure the cousins didn't get upset, so I called each aunt (the mother of the cousins), explained that we'd be sending invites soon, that were wanted to spend the money on our impending child, and that just couldn't invite all the cousins as that would double the guest list. I said I very much hoped everyone would understand, and it wasn't at all a reflection on the kind of relationship we both wanted to have with his cousins going forward. Everyone understood. Several months later one aunt hosted a huge baby shower for me, all the cousins were invited, and everything was good. Because we were adults and communicated!

Your nephew made an error here, imo. And you were hurt. Understandably! I still think it's healthiest to talk with him about your relationship, with the lack of wedding invite to only be the catalyst that caused you to want to explore what might have gone wrong between the two of you.

 

[tzolkin]

I'm really kind of shocked at the number of people who could go up to someone & ask, "Why wasn't I invited?"
...

And, yes, weddings can sadly cause huge rifts in families.

I certainly wouldn’t do that in general, but for something like this where it’s a very close family member and I hadn’t the slightest hint about not being included, I think it would be important to bring it up.

Yes, it would be an awkward conversation, but instead of causing a huge rift like you mentioned I think it would help to prevent one.

I can see two reasons for not being invited:
1. Something logistical
2. Something personal

If it’s the first, then I would completely understand and have no hard feelings. I’m extremely practical, so this explanation would not offend me.

If it’s the second, I think it would be very important to find out the cause and work toward mending the relationship.

Either way, why harbor all these hard feelings for months without addressing it? To me, it would be even more awkward to interact with my family member on a regular basis while being offended/hurt by something like this. If it’s personal, I’d rather just know why they were mad at me rather than be uncomfortable and trying to avoid them and the topic.


Another consideration— if the text conversation with the sister included only exactly what the OP posted here, then it’s not entirely certain that she’s not invited. The sister could have just been acting weird, distracted, annoyed, whatever. I could see a text exchange between my family members using the same words but having a completely different meaning.
OP: So, what are the details for Johnny’s wedding?
Sister: We mailed out invitations in February. [Didn’t you read it?] [Did you not receive yours yet?] [I’m busy now, go check the invitation for the details] etc