Wedding invitation snub

[cabanafrau]

Is it? Or is it what the issue woudl be if you or I had had to make that decision? In my sister's case the cost, or "number" was what we were told, however that was not the case. My sister's personality had been changing fro a number of years. Her reaction to questionsing of her decisions was not always pleasant, and I had alreaay had a few occassion that necessitated a conversation which left our relationship (My relationship with her. Her relationship with me remained the same...she honestly did not and does not comprehend that she can be hurtful)damaged. There were 4 of us, 3 of us girls and 1 brother. We have since lost my older sister and nothing can change that she left her siblings out of her special day but included her new husbands entire "branch" as well as a slew of friends. She cannot make that slight up to Pat, and God forbid we lose my brother. He and I had chosen to accept her rational without question, and I am not sorry. For my family, meaning my brother and sisters, this was indeed the adult way to handle a situation that none of us liked, that was hurtful to all of us, but that we knew if questioned could result in more of a rift. Funny thing: for my sister there never was a problem. She really believed she could not afford to feed us!

I believe that to many what may seem to be a bridge would actually be the straw that broke the back.

I'm not suggesting OP discuss the situation with her sister, rather the nephew -- calmly and respectfully. Why should that lead to automatic upheaval as you suggest?

 

[AustinTink]

I know, & I get what you're saying. Family is very different than acquaintances.

But, I just think, in most families, if only a certain number of family members were going to be invited for whatever reason, you wouldn't even have to ask... that kind of information would just get naturally filtered through the various family members - "[Nephew] could only invite so many due to the bride's guest list...", "That crazy venue they chose will only hold so many...", "They're having a destination wedding..." "They're not inviting any aunts & uncles..."

Obviously, there's something going on in this family. In both my family & DH's family, we have the type of relationships w/ our siblings, that, if we weren't going to be invited to a niece's or nephew's wedding, we'd know why.

But that's not the case here, & it's already seemingly a touchy, volatile situation.

If I were the OP, I'd just hate to make my nephew feel more uncomfortable or awkward about the situation than he probably already does.

Speaking from experience, & not quite the same thing, but I got involved in the family drama over a wedding shower & then the fallout after the shower when DH's brother was getting married, &, to this day, I regret every bit of it. I wish I had just stayed out of it, & simply been supportive of my BIL & his new wife.

We are very much on the same page about all of this. Thank you. Not bringing it up might not be healthy in all my other relationships, but where my sister is involved it is for the best. If talking to my nephew upset her and she had a manic episode because of it then things would be bad between us all forever. I know my sister. I love her and I love him and I'm going to stay mum until it's all over. I will reach out to him after the wedding.

 

[AustinTink]

I can't talk to my nephew without her finding out. She will be very angry if she finds out I talked to him about it. I know her, please take my word for it. I know she will find out because he tells her everything and speaks to her every day. He has been her number one person for the last twenty years. Her husband lives and works in another country and my nephew became the man of the house at a very young age. It's a very tricky situation entirely and none of us give our opinion about it because she doesn't take any sort of advice well.

 

[Darcy03231]

I'm sorry you feel hurt.

It may have had to do with limitations to the guest list. DS#1 just got married two weeks ago and they had a very small wedding (venue would only hold 50 guests). Due to this there were a lot of family members that weren't invited. I don't think that anyone that wasn't invited was called and offered an explanation.

I wouldn't send a card and/or gift in this situation.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I can't talk to my nephew without her finding out. She will be very angry if she finds out I talked to him about it.

It's ok if she gets mad. If an adult gets angry that you spoke to another adult without their consent, you don't need that person in your life. I learned that recently and it is so empowering.

 

[Pink Partridge]

If talking to my nephew upset her and she had a manic episode because of it then things would be bad between us all forever.

Your sister seems manipulative. "Don't talk to my son, or else I will have a manic episode."

 

[arminnie]

I married late in life and have no children, but I have a niece that I was very, very close to as I was the only relative that lived near her. Plus I was a mentor to her with her education and career (as her mother's encouragement). I was quite involved in her big first wedding. She divorced, was single for years and remarried in her late 30s. It was a first marriage for her husband, but it was a smaller wedding. I was not invited, and that was okay. To this day this is the first time I have ever mentioned it to anyone. I also sent a very nice wedding present. No grudges.

My DH and I did not have a wedding as we were married as I was released from ICU after being on life support for over a week. I did not expect gifts. I certainly didn't register or do anything like that. But as this was my first marriage I was shocked at people I had supported through multiple marriages for them and for their children did not so much as send me a text message wishing me well. That hurt like hell. And no my DH were not a couple who had been living together for years and years (we'd known each other about a year). People love my husband so I don't think it was disapproval of the marriage.

It was just thoughtless. It made me feel like they truly didn't care if I'd lived or died either. I used to host big Christmas holiday dinners for sometimes 40 family members. I don't do that anymore.

 

[cabanafrau]

Your sister seems manipulative. "Don't talk to my son, or else I will have a manic episode."

That may well be true. That doesn't solve the spot OP is in with regards to wanting a good relationship with her nephew. No need to add to his burdens before his wedding. Marriage and a family of his own may well cause a collision where he has to address the dilemma of always caving in to his mother's manipulations, but there is no need for OP to attempt a standoff now.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I can't talk to my nephew without her finding out. She will be very angry if she finds out I talked to him about it. I know her, please take my word for it. I know she will find out because he tells her everything and speaks to her every day. He has been her number one person for the last twenty years. Her husband lives and works in another country and my nephew became the man of the house at a very young age. It's a very tricky situation entirely and none of us give our opinion about it because she doesn't take any sort of advice well.

None of us understand your family dynamics like you do, but I believe everyone is well-intentioned with the advice given. Good luck with everything, and sorry for your hurt.

 

[Pink Partridge]

That may well be true. That doesn't solve the spot OP is in with regards to wanting a good relationship with her nephew. No need to add to his burdens before his wedding. Marriage and a family of his own may well cause a collision where he has to address the dilemma of always caving in to his mother's manipulations, but there is no need for OP to attempt a standoff now.

The wedding is this summer. I feel the OP would not be attempting a "stand off" one bit if she had a private heart to heart with her nephew. If he wants to run and tell his mom about their private conversation, then he 100% is ok with the fall out.

But the OP should not be held an emotional hostage wondering why she wasn't invited to the wedding of someone she feel very close to.

 

[cabanafrau]

The wedding is this summer. I feel the OP would not be attempting a "stand off" one bit if she had a private heart to heart with her nephew. If he wants to run and tell his mom about their private conversation, then he 100% is ok with the fall out.

But the OP should not be held an emotional hostage wondering why she wasn't invited to the wedding of someone she feel very close to.

Well, I suppose OP could approach it with the ideas of self interest and being "right" paramount in her mind. Given the circumstances she's outlining it seems as if the nephew may be caught in the spot where he has to say, I hear you, Auntie AustinTink, but if I invite you to the wedding it runs the risk of mom melting down and spoiling the whole day and I can't take that risk. He may be an adult free to talk to anyone as he chooses, but who wants to put someone they love through the wringer of making impossible choices that can impact their wedding day?

Sure, they could theoretically have a conversation and his mother be kept in the dark and no harm/no foul. But for reasons unclear to strangers that doesn't appear to be a viable option. I'll give the nephew some slack for possibly growing up with a somewhat absent father and a mentally ill mother who relied heavily on him. That kind of role in family dynamics isn't easily shrugged off.

 

[sk!mom]

It seems likely in this family the likely conduit that information would get filtered through may be incapable or unwilling to pass along the information -- groom's mother/OP's sister. If the groom is afraid to face the music, his mother unwilling to pass along the info. and his family unwilling to make the step to inquire that things will just fracture and potentially fester.

They are already fractured and festering. This family needs a brave peacemaker. Keeping silent and discussing it with everyone but the person involved isn't that.

We are very much on the same page about all of this. Thank you. Not bringing it up might not be healthy in all my other relationships, but where my sister is involved it is for the best. If talking to my nephew upset her and she had a manic episode because of it then things would be bad between us all forever. I know my sister. I love her and I love him and I'm going to stay mum until it's all over. I will reach out to him after the wedding.

If you see him often and the wedding isn't until summer, how will you possibly have anything approaching a normal healthy relationship until after the wedding without discussing this?

And if you avoid them until after the wedding, you're just feeding whatever is going on.

Best wishes. It sucks but you can face it head on and quite likely feel better.

 

[arminnie]

What good is it going to do for OP to have a conversation with her nephew? She and the other relatives were not invited because the wedding party didn't want to invite them.

How is hearing first hand "It doesn't mean anything to me for you to be there" going to help anything? Or to hear some half truth like "well we had to limit things" when you know who they did invite. Or if the groom says "my mom doesn't want you there."

 

[Nancyg56]

I'm not suggesting OP discuss the situation with her sister, rather the nephew -- calmly and respectfully. Why should that lead to automatic upheaval as you suggest?

I did not suggest that it would. I said that none of us know all of the dynamics in play, so those who suggest she is childish or that she would be able to clear the air may be wrong.

The OP knows her family, she knows how each reacts, and has chosen to let this go for now. I understand because I did the same under similar circumstances. I would have been able to talk to any of my nieces or nephews under the OP situation, but her nephew may have a different relationship.

 

[cleverclovers]

If you insist on not asking your nephew, you will never get to the truth. Sister is going to have a meltdown no matter what you do (or don't do).
Hold off on sending a gift until you speak to your nephew. If it is truly a snub, send him a card and tell him to have a nice life. If he really wants you at the wedding but can't invite you (for whatever reason), ask him to let you know after the wedding (when the craziness has died down) what he can really use that he did not receive. Then send a gift.

 

[SleepyatDVC]

AustinTink, I would have been very hurt being excluded from a family wedding where I was close to the family members as well. Hugs to you.

But having been on the other side of the “aisle,” I empathize with the choices of who gets invited to weddings!

I come from a LARGE family. My Mom has 5 siblings and I have 16 cousins on her side. My dad has 2 siblings with 10 cousins that were married with kids. Most lived in the NY tristate area or were willing to travel back for special occasions. My granduncle and his entire branch of family also lived in the area. Ironically, I was an only child.

DH’s parents owned their own business with many employees who all thought they were family. My DH and I grew up in the same large church where we knew everyone.

We knew at that time it would be a HUGE weeding. The largest venue we could find was 600 people. We split the guest list evenly into thirds, to each of our parents and our friends. And we had to cut.

Who to invite from church? No plus ones unless married or engaged. We BOTH had to know them well.

We got married over 20 years ago. TO THIS DAY, there are people upset we didn’t invite them, especially since we invited over 600 people.

For example, there is one family from church, the Mom was close to my Mom. They have 3 sons. Son #1 was married with a baby. He was older than us so we were never in the same social group. But his Mom wanted me to befriend his new bride and I went to her baby shower, etc. DH was the same age as Son #2 and they grew up together. Son #3 was one year younger than me but we went to school together and had the same social group. We had to cut Son#1 and his family from our list because DH didn’t really know him that well. Their mother was bitter he was excluded since our “entire” family was “tight.” And everyone else in their family was invited!!

In our large youth group, there was a girl that we both knew well who got invited, she had a roommate who was also in our youth group but didn’t get invited. DH knew her well, but I did not. She had just started dating a very good friend of mine. He was my first friend in Sunday school. So, it was very awkward because both her roommate and her boyfriend were invited but she was excluded. They later got married and we were not invited but that was totally ok!

Most of my parents spots went to family and clergy and more people from church. I found out years later, long time family friends were mad at my parents for not inviting them to their only daughter’s wedding.

Anyway, looking back, we should have eloped!! Lol.

Fast forward to last weekend. My cousin got married! It was a small venue. About 200 people. They had to limit it to just family and VERY close friends. I think his side of the family took up about a third or more of the guest list. In fact the pastor joked if everyone at the wedding was a cousin of the groom. My daughter happened to be on college spring break and was able to attend. But I had told my aunt, his mother, if it would be easier for them, she didn’t “have to fly home.” She said that family was invited and welcome but no one else. She and her husband plan to have a separate reception/banquet for the newlyweds in the summer to invite all the friends and church family that’s they couldn’t invite to the actual wedding.

I think after going through my own and attending a gazillion weddings, I am very understanding about how difficult it is to include or exclude people and family.

My first thought after reading the previous posts, is the the brides family is paying and calling the shots on how many people they could invite on the groom’s side. This could be very embarrassing for them to admit to family and friends. And they may be just burying their heads in the sand, avoiding the subject and hoping no one asks them about it.

It doesn’t hurt any less to be excluded but maybe they were forced to limit their guest list and is making it worse by using the avoidance tactic and burning bridges.

Looking back there people I wish I didn’t invite and other people I didn’t that I wish I did. Oh well...

 

[gotomu212]

If I was he only sibling that didn’t get an invite I’d be hurt, but if all of your siblings except one were excluded I wouldn’t take it personally.

You said she has a very small family and you have a huge family. I have a huge family (my mom was one of eight), my husband on the other hand had his parents and one sister at our wedding. I was so worried that my husband would feel like a guest on his own wedding day if I stacked my side with the 150 immediate members of my family (aunts/uncles/cousins) that we cut way way back. It sounds like that could be what happened here.

 

[mummabear]

Where to draw the line is not easy. Don't take it too hard and wish them well

I don’t agree. We looked at who we wanted there and then what kind of wedding we could afford to cater for that number.
I do have a large extended family but given they are in Canada and we are in NZ inviting them all was no issue. This did mean that the grooms side was larger than mine, that’s just the way it goes. There is no way that he should have to cut his family member out just so numbers are even.

Thank you for this perspective. It sounds similar. There are 7 siblings including the groom's mother. Plus 2 uncles on my brother-in-law's side. The bride is an only child and her parents don't have living siblings. The bride and groom are in their early 30's. I'm sure they have a large friend group that they could not exclude.

I don't feel comfortable reaching out to my nephew about this. Because regardless of anything I love him dearly and I don't want to stress him out before the biggest day of his life. I can't do that to him. I already found their registry online and I will send a gift after the wedding with my best wishes.

Honestly if someone is showing me how much they care (btw he is showing its not a lot) to not invite me or give me the courtesy to at least say Hi Aunty @AustinTink I am really sorry I won’t be able to invite you to the wedding because x (although in my opinion I can’t see a valid reason, if you want someone there you invite them)
Then there is no way I am sending them a gift.

 

[mummabear]

We knew at that time it would be a HUGE weeding. The largest venue we could find was 600 people. We split the guest list evenly into thirds, to each of our parents and our friends. And we had to cut.

My mom has 9 brothers and sisters, dad has 3. When they got married friends were not able to come to the reception but had cake and a dance and at the end.

 

[Kae]

Talking to him after the wedding won't solve anything either.