Wedding invitation snub

[maddiel]

I would call the brother who is close to the mother of the groom. I wouldn't ask about the wedding directly, but I would ask about the my sister and her mental state and ask if he knew what was up with her as she was acting in atypically.

And if you want to send a gift, send a gift. You don't have an obligation to send one, but the there is no reason you can't if you want to.

M.

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

I agree. I just don't want to make him feel badly. That's why I hesitate to contact him

He's an adult, over 25, who is in charge of his wedding guest list. He assumably knows how his mother is and should have contacted you all to let you know of any restrictions in the guest list either due to space, or other family issues. Your relationship with him shouldn't be driven by your relationship with his mother.

I would if it were any other person. My whole family has always walked on eggshells around my sister. No one ever wants to rile her up. Usually when she is hurtful, we just let it go and act like nothing ever happened the next time we are together. It's totally unhealthy, but the only way to deal with her. She is a very fragile person.

Then it's time to stop walking on eggshells, all that does is encourage the behavior. At some point she needs to take responsibility for her own mental health. If her depression is so severe that family needs to intercede to ensure she gets help for it, then that is a responsibility of her children, or her siblings if her children choose not to accept the responsibility, if she isn't incapacitated, then she is still responsible for her own actions and how they impact others. She may not be as fragile as you all have allowed yourselves to believe.

I would say talk to your nephew before the wedding, you don't need to take him to lunch or anything, just pick up the phone and call him. Tell him you've received some strange conflicting information and would like to clear up whether or not you're invited, and if not, perhaps why. Then you can easily move on from there with next steps depending on what the answer to that question is.

 

[mjkacmom]

I would be hurt, but maybe it’s because the bride has a small family, perhaps the family doesn’t have a big friend group, and the groom is inviting the same amount of guests as the bride, which would make sense if they are paying.

However, it’s bizarre that an explanation wasn’t offered.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I have 2 older sisters and my oldest sisters son is getting married this year. I am his godmother. They were going to have a destination wedding. I was invited as were my dh and my adult children but my middle sister was not, however her adult children were. Now my nephew's plans have changed because they didn't get the response they thought they would get and it sounds like many people declined the invite since it's in Vegas. I am surprised I was invited at all because I am not on good terms with my oldest sister - in fact I am not speaking to her at all. Had I not been invited I would have felt hurt, he is my godson and I love him very much. I would like to think that my relationship with him is separate from my relationship with my sister however that doesn't ring true for my middle sister at all.

I am hearing through my son that they are going to be having a wedding here in our home state and I would love to go and support him on his day. I am actually really conflicted because I don't want to see my sister or her other son but I don't want my nephew to feel I have snubbed him. I will most likely go to the ceremony but not the reception. We actually have another wedding the exact same day several hours away from home for our best friends son who our oldest son is best man for. I will go to their reception since they are our family too. Gonna be tough no matter what.

I think since your nephew is an adult you should just reach out to him. He is an adult. He has decided who he is inviting and who he is not. He can answer your question as to why he didn't invite you. It maybe ackward but at least you will know where you stand.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

From the perspective of a recent groom -- including everyone important to all parties isn't always possible. I come from a large family (seven aunts and one uncle and around fifty cousins), but my wife's family is considerably smaller. When we began writing out our invitation lists, my family doubled the list of other friends and family. We knew immediately that our venue couldn't hold everyone so we made a decision that only friends and family that both parties previously met were invited.

It was my second marriage, and I hope that helped lessen the feeling of hurt my family might feel. However, because of the rule we set, we only invited one aunt's family.

I hope that you can reach out to your nephew and better understand the reason behind his and his fiance's decision.

We were in this situation.

My husband has 9 aunts and uncles, plus all but one are married with children. I also have/had quite a few, but not one lived anywhere near us, with some that I hadn't seen or spoken to since I was a little girl. So, if we invited all of the aunts and uncles, especially if we added cousins, our guest list would have tripled. And 3/4 of the guests would have been my husband's relatives.

So we didn't invited any of them. Not a one. And my husband has a an uncle that he is close to. This uncle is only 9 years older than my husband, and one that we have continued to keep in contact with, even as adults.

But you know what? The uncle understood. We wished us well. Even sent us a card (with a gift.) This is a man that will call our house, chat with me for 1/2 an hour and hang up. Only to call back because there was a question or something that he wanted to say to my husband. In other words, there were no hard feelings.

Oh, and we didn't call all of the aunts and uncles to explain to them why they weren't invited. Think about it, how weird would that be? Calling people and telling them that they weren't invited to something? We had one aunt ask about it. Others? Well, most of them sent a gift to our house.

 

[Sabeking]

That's the rub... we are family. It's my nephews wedding. I helped raise him from birth, they lived with us when I was a teenager. I have 6 siblings, only one sibling was invited. The rest of us were not and are really shocked and saddened.

I don't believe it's lack of money. The bride's family is wealthy and footing the bill. I learned from the one sibling that was invited that it is going to be lavish affair, black tie, seated, multiple courses, etc.

My sibling whose son did not invite his aunts and uncles refuses to address us about it. Did they think we wouldn't find out about the snub? This sibling is my son's godparent. I'm totally at a loss here.

Edited to add: we live in the same city and see each other often.

We are going through something similar. My dd’s have grown up with their cousin. These girls have talked about being in each other’s weddings since they were little girls. They spend tons of time together including time with her fiancé because they have dated for eight years. He is already part of the family. They got engaged in July and she asked eight of her friends ( sorority, high school) to be in the wedding. She has no siblings and has considered my girls who are a few years younger than her, sisters. I was baffled. My girls were initially a little hurt and their grandmother is miffed. This too will be a black tie event in the most prominent venue in our area. I don’t even want to tell you cost of the wedding, it’s nuts!!! At the end of the day ( I know some of you hate this phrase), it is her wedding and we are happy for her and will celebrate and be gracious. For me personally, I am relieved!! The responsibilities of the bridesmaids financially is a little over the top. They have two out of town weekends, lots of parties, teas, etc... it goes on and on. I don’t understand why but it really doesn’t matter. I understand the hurt, believe me. I’m trying to humble myself and realize this is not about us and support her with whatever she wants. I hope you get to a better place with this situation, I sympathize.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

OP I really am sorry this is happening to your family and I know it must hurt. However, it was not only yourself excluded but all your other siblings as well, except for one. So there is that comfort that you were not signalled out. I would not communicate with your sister anymore concerning the wedding, based on the text she sent you. She knows you are not invited and does not want to be straightforward and explain why. Awkward, especially when you say how close you are (or thought you were). There is no way I can believe that your nephew, a man in his 30's, does not know who is on the wedding list. Those lists are done and re-done so many times before the invites are sent out. The bride could not have prepared the list without his input and if he wanted you there, you would be on the list. So, he is, in my opinion, in agreement in not inviting his aunts/uncles/cousins whether it is by his in-laws request since they are paying or not enough space at the venue (or for any other reason).
I assume your sister knows you are your aunt's caregiver/helper and even then she was invited and you were not. What is there to say to them?

Honestly, I would not give them the satisfaction of looking like you are begging to go, that your feelings are hurt etc. and I certainly would never consider buying a gift for them. Listen you your dh and save your money for people who care.

P.S. Save all the money you would have spent on the gifts for the shower/wedding, new clothes, hairdresser etc. for your immediate family to attend and plan a nice little get away for your family. Money much better spent!

 

[pigletto]

AustinTink,
You need a hug.
I was all set to give advice and my opinion and I sat and thought for a second about how I would feel in this exact scenario (I am one of six siblings), and realized I would be beyond hurt. It would have to be a really big rift in my family to be in the same situation, and that would hurt.
There's been more than a few situations where a sibling has hurt my feelings over something, but never something like this. I can't believe she wouldn't even explain.

 

[cabanafrau]

The fact that one sibling who is heavily involved with the groom's mother is invited and the rest aren't seems meaningful. The fact that OP mentions being the groom's godmother, not much about an ongoing relationship and may not have met the bride might be meaningful as well.

Even if you don't go to the wedding you still have the possibility of making the attempt to have a great relationship with your nephew and his bride. If the relationship is what's truly important consider what you can do to build the one you wish for. The wedding is only a single day.

 

[wgeo]

Sorry that you are going through this. I fall into the group that thinks you should politely contact the nephew - he is old enough to handle a conversation about this. It could be that there is a very good reason, and once he explains it to you it could really take away some hurt. Or it could be that they're pulling away, but the conversation will give you a pretty good idea on that. Either way, it's good for you to know and to get the information directly from him.

On a slightly different note no matter what you decide sending the gift or not is up to you. I was excluded from a nephew's graduation (also my godson) on purpose because my sibling was upset with me. However for me, it felt right to still send a gift as I still wanted to congratulate him and wish him well. My husband said if it was up to him he wouldn't send the gift but that he understood if I felt differently, and looking back on it I'm glad I did send one. It somehow felt like I wasn't stooping to their level or something? not sure, but I'm glad that I did.

 

[Bren's Mom]

{{{{hugs}}}} I would be beyond devastated if I wasn't invited to my nephew/godson's wedding. I wouldn't be able to stop crying either.

But I'd surely call him and ask! If this is a man, able to get married, and I previously had a good, ongoing relationship with him, I'd talk to him. Do lunch, call, whatever is appropriate. If this is 'the end' of the relationship, then give as much care to the ending as you have all along. Be sincere, ask for answers so you can have as much peace about it as possible, wish him well...and then maybe you can move on. There could be a whole host of things going on, and it's quite possible that he doesn't know how to handle. Having an open, honest discussion might allow him to bounce the problems off of you, and perhaps salvage his relationship with all of his extended family as a result. It also will show him how a healthy person handles a relationship, which could be a huge gift to someone with a parent with mental illness. Maybe this is his fiancé's mother's doing, talking with you might help him see the results of not standing up to his spouse, not fighting for his family. There are so many 'what ifs' here. And none of them can be any worse, imo, by talking with him.

I wish you luck.

 

[AustinTink]

The fact that one sibling who is heavily involved with the groom's mother is invited and the rest aren't seems meaningful. The fact that OP mentions being the groom's godmother, not much about an ongoing relationship and may not have met the bride might be meaningful as well.

Even if you don't go to the wedding you still have the possibility of making the attempt to have a great relationship with your nephew and his bride. If the relationship is what's truly important consider what you can do to build the one you wish for. The wedding is only a single day.

Actually we see my nephew all the time and I have known his fiancee for 6 years. We have family game nights at my house all the time with both of them in attendance. We do things with them very frequently. I have been in his life for 33 years and have always been there for him when he needs me. He is not religious, neither is his mother, so the godparent role has never had a religious vibe but has always been meaningful to both of us.

 

[AustinTink]

AustinTink,
You need a hug.
I was all set to give advice and my opinion and I sat and thought for a second about how I would feel in this exact scenario (I am one of six siblings), and realized I would be beyond hurt. It would have to be a really big rift in my family to be in the same situation, and that would hurt.
There's been more than a few situations where a sibling has hurt my feelings over something, but never something like this. I can't believe she wouldn't even explain.

Thank you for the hug. I needed one this morning.

 

[AustinTink]

OP I really am sorry this is happening to your family and I know it must hurt. However, it was not only yourself excluded but all your other siblings as well, except for one. So there is that comfort that you were not signalled out. I would not communicate with your sister anymore concerning the wedding, based on the text she sent you. She knows you are not invited and does not want to be straightforward and explain why. Awkward, especially when you say how close you are (or thought you were). There is no way I can believe that your nephew, a man in his 30's, does not know who is on the wedding list. Those lists are done and re-done so many times before the invites are sent out. The bride could not have prepared the list without his input and if he wanted you there, you would be on the list. So, he is, in my opinion, in agreement in not inviting his aunts/uncles/cousins whether it is by his in-laws request since they are paying or not enough space at the venue (or for any other reason).
I assume your sister knows you are your aunt's caregiver/helper and even then she was invited and you were not. What is there to say to them?

Honestly, I would not give them the satisfaction of looking like you are begging to go, that your feelings are hurt etc. and I certainly would never consider buying a gift for them. Listen you your dh and save your money for people who care.

P.S. Save all the money you would have spent on the gifts for the shower/wedding, new clothes, hairdresser etc. for your immediate family to attend and plan a nice little get away for your family. Money much better spent!

I am planning to visit my other sister that weekend with our families. The wedding is here in Austin, so I have to get out of this town. We will have a nice little getaway without any stress.

 

[AustinTink]

I would call the brother who is close to the mother of the groom. I wouldn't ask about the wedding directly, but I would ask about the my sister and her mental state and ask if he knew what was up with her as she was acting in atypically.

And if you want to send a gift, send a gift. You don't have an obligation to send one, but the there is no reason you can't if you want to.

M.

I did. He and I are very close (this one I am sure about lol). He said she is acting crazy, but no more than usual.

 

[sk!mom]

Actually we see my nephew all the time and I have known his fiancee for 6 years. We have family game nights at my house all the time with both of them in attendance. We do things with them very frequently. I have been in his life for 33 years and have always been there for him when he needs me. He is not religious, neither is his mother, so the godparent role has never had a religious vibe but has always been meaningful to both of us.

Given this closeness, I truly do not understand your reluctance to just ask him to lunch and ask. Since you care so much for the relationship, you really need to find out what's going on.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

Actually we see my nephew all the time and I have known his fiancee for 6 years. We have family game nights at my house all the time with both of them in attendance. We do things with them very frequently. I have been in his life for 33 years and have always been there for him when he needs me. He is not religious, neither is his mother, so the godparent role has never had a religious vibe but has always been meaningful to both of us.

Very bizarre situation...based on this latest info. Enjoy your weekend with your sister and remember it is they who will have to face you one day!

Edited: OP do you think your sister had (I guess in some underhanded way, for lack of a better word) anything to do with the family's invitations not being delivered and your nephew thinks you guys are all invited? It is too soon for replies to be returning if the invites were sent in Feb. for him to realize that you are not responding. Sorry if it's far off but based on such a close relationship with both nephew and fiancee it is the only thing I could think of.

 

[cabanafrau]

Actually we see my nephew all the time and I have known his fiancee for 6 years. We have family game nights at my house all the time with both of them in attendance. We do things with them very frequently. I have been in his life for 33 years and have always been there for him when he needs me. He is not religious, neither is his mother, so the godparent role has never had a religious vibe but has always been meaningful to both of us.

The date of the wedding and other details about the wedding has never come up when you're all together so frequently?
This info. is quite a different direction than what's been expressed previously in the thread.

 

[AustinTink]

{{{{hugs}}}} I would be beyond devastated if I wasn't invited to my nephew/godson's wedding. I wouldn't be able to stop crying either.

But I'd surely call him and ask! If this is a man, able to get married, and I previously had a good, ongoing relationship with him, I'd talk to him. Do lunch, call, whatever is appropriate. If this is 'the end' of the relationship, then give as much care to the ending as you have all along. Be sincere, ask for answers so you can have as much peace about it as possible, wish him well...and then maybe you can move on. There could be a whole host of things going on, and it's quite possible that he doesn't know how to handle. Having an open, honest discussion might allow him to bounce the problems off of you, and perhaps salvage his relationship with all of his extended family as a result. It also will show him how a healthy person handles a relationship, which could be a huge gift to someone with a parent with mental illness. Maybe this is his fiancé's mother's doing, talking with you might help him see the results of not standing up to his spouse, not fighting for his family. There are so many 'what ifs' here. And none of them can be any worse, imo, by talking with him.

I wish you luck.

Thank you. I do feel like this is 'the end' of the relationship. But, possibly, this is because I have moved on to the anger stage of grieving.

 

[cabanafrau]

Thank you. I do feel like this is 'the end' of the relationship. But, possibly, this is because I have moved on to the anger stage of grieving.

You feel like this is the end of the relationship, but you see each other all of the time? Have the conversation with him and maybe you won't find a reason to torment yourself after all.