I get it was my choice as well as dhs

[Turn the Page]

So now that the emotion is gone I am not sure how I feel I keep hearing adopt but there is a deeper issue I would save it for counciling (so) but I want more then one opion it is the biological factor what am I missing by not giving birth at least once and other mom functions

Stretch marks and morning sickness. Plus, you would never be able to look at your child and say "I did NOT go through x number of hours of labor to bring you into this world for you to treat me like this!!!!" I hear that can be a satisfying thing to say when they are teenagers.

 

[CarolAnn856]

So now that the emotion is gone I am not sure how I feel I keep hearing adopt but there is a deeper issue I would save it for counciling (so) but I want more then one opion it is the biological factor what am I missing by not giving birth at least once and other mom functions

I admit that I'm struggling to understand everything you wrote, but it sounds like you will talk with a therapist about this? I think that's very important.

One thing that stands out to me is that everything you have written about wanting a child is all about YOU. You feel a hole, you want to experience pregnancy, you etc. First, what about what your husband wants? Second, and by far most important, is the child.

Bringing a new life into the world and raising that child means making much of your existance all about him or her. From endless sleepless nights when they are a newborn to helping with homework to taking them to the doctor when they get sick to, well, everything! Being a parent is the best but hardest thing I will ever do.

You sound like you want the experoence of becoming a parent, but I'm not getting the feeling that you understand what being a parent entails.

 

[Party.Of.4-NY>>>FL]

So now that the emotion is gone I am not sure how I feel I keep hearing adopt but there is a deeper issue I would save it for counciling (so) but I want more then one opion it is the biological factor what am I missing by not giving birth at least once and other mom functions

Parenting a child is not the only measuring stick that should be used to determine a fulfilling life.

 

[DisneyOma]

I just want to add, that all of our children from us that have no disabilities, they have all turned out great , Tinker you guys get together and do what you want

Not sure what the first part means, but to the second part, well, she asked for input on a message board. And BTW, my kids did turn out great - next time someone you love has to get treatment for cancer, you can thank my older daughter for the work she's done in cancer research to find the best combination of drugs to fight specific cancers.

So now that the emotion is gone I am not sure how I feel I keep hearing adopt but there is a deeper issue I would save it for counciling (so) but I want more then one opion it is the biological factor what am I missing by not giving birth at least once and other mom functions

There are so many experiences to be had in one life. No one can do everything. But getting pregnant and giving birth just to have that experience? You do "other mom functions" when you volunteer at the school, as parenting involves lots of guidance and nurturing, just like teaching.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I think talking things through with a therapist is a really good idea. There is so much more to being a parent than the biological process of giving birth--it's an all-in, lifetime commitment. I have 4 kids, including one who had special needs, and believe me--some days, you really have to dig deep within yourself to find the physical and emotional strength to handle a child. Plus, your partner has to be all-in, as well. Working through these issue would help you come to grips with your circumstances.

 

[fauna74]

So now that the emotion is gone I am not sure how I feel I keep hearing adopt but there is a deeper issue I would save it for counciling (so) but I want more then one opion it is the biological factor what am I missing by not giving birth at least once and other mom functions

I've been blessed enough to have been pregnant twice and have 2 wonderful healthy children. Being pregnant is wonderful, awful, weird, uncomfortable, exhilarating....but really the pregnancy is a drop of water in the ocean that is being a parent. And maybe that's not your parenting "journey". Whether its adoption, or fostering or maybe being part of the "village" that helps raise our children. You said you volunteer with children, how wonderful! Maybe look for more opportunities, or become a more involved aunt, cousin, or neighbor to the children in your life. You've been open about being disabled, perhaps look for ways to help young people with disabilities in your community- become a mentor and a role model. Making a difference in a child's life (whether they are your own or not) is very fulfilling!

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I replied with out quoting (sp)

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I admit that I'm struggling to understand everything you wrote, but it sounds like you will talk with a therapist about this? I think that's very important.

One thing that stands out to me is that everything you have written about wanting a child is all about YOU. You feel a hole, you want to experience pregnancy, you etc. First, what about what your husband wants? Second, and by far most important, is the child.

Bringing a new life into the world and raising that child means making much of your existance all about him or her. From endless sleepless nights when they are a newborn to helping with homework to taking them to the doctor when they get sick to, well, everything! Being a parent is the best but hardest thing I will ever do.

You sound like you want the experoence of becoming a parent, but I'm not getting the feeling that you understand what being a parent entails.

Until I read your post I did not realize I wanted to be a mom for selfish reasons thanks for pointing that out

 

[tzolkin]

For permanent birth control (ie tubes tied) many doctors and hospitals require husbands to consent and often have them have a separate meeting with the doctor to make sure they really understand. It has been declared illegal in several state and federal law suits, but that doesn't prevent doctors from either denying the treatment or requiring the consent. Since many people just want it done, they just sign it.
Also try having a tubal done "too young". A friend went to a dozen doctors before she found one that would do a tubal in her early 20s. They gave her every excuse - too young, she would change her mind, what if she got married again etc etc. She was a divorced mother with a full-time job and health insurance.

Regarding the conversation about spouses consenting to their partner's sterilization-- I guess I don't think the spouse's consent should be required (an adult should be able to make their own medical decisions without a partner's permission), but I do think it's valuable to ensure that the spouse is aware of the procedure. It's much better to have an upfront conversation than to discover such a secret after years of trying to conceive.

Bolded-- My cousin had this experience. She had 4 children (all preemies at under 30 weeks including a set of twins) before she was 21. In her situation a tubal was necessary both for her health and any possible future babies, but she could not find a doctor anywhere who was willing until she was over 25. They were eventually able to find a doctor that would give her husband a vasectomy.

My mother, on the other hand, had a tubal days after she turned 24 that she did not want. Her doctor performed it while she was under general anesthesia for a c-section. She had complications with all of her births, so the doctor obtained my father's consent while she was unconscious.

 

[aprilgail]

If 'we' can be pregnant, 'we' can have a vasectomy.

OMG that is one of my major pet peeves- I can't stand when a guy says "we are pregnant"- no you are NOT pregnant and when you can pass a 7 pound baby out of one of your orifices then you can say you are pregnant!

 

[MamaBelle4]

My mother, on the other hand, had a tubal days after she turned 24 that she did not want. Her doctor performed it while she was under general anesthesia for a c-section. She had complications with all of her births, so the doctor obtained my father's consent while she was unconscious.

Holy crow does that make me angry. Like, spitting angry!

 

[MIGrandma]

My DH had a vasectomy when our DD was 2 years old. She is now 38 and our DS is 41. Never once regretted it. We had a boy and a girl, there is nothing left to have. DH didn't want 3 children (he has 2 sisters and said it was always 2 against 1 no matter what) and I certainly didn't want 4 children so for us 2 was enough since we had one of each.

As for the disability part, if we knew 100% that any child we were to have would be born with one or more disabilities we would not have had children. Personally for ME I think it would be rather selfish to bring a child into the world knowing there would be problems for him/her. Of course children are born with a disability all the time, and the parents had no way of knowing that would happen. That is different. But to willingly bring a child into the world knowing he/she will have disabilities, I couldn't do it. If others can, that's their life, not mine.

 

[mummabear]

I could not agree more with the bolded. The "no" absolutely outweighs the "yes". No always wins. Every. Time.
1no+1yes=NO

P.S.
OP,
The tag line in your profile speaks volumes on this thread. It leads me to believe that no matter what happens, the two of you will be just fine.

In that relationship yes. But is foneone is a yes and their partner is a no, they do have to consider which is more important to them the partner they have or their desire to have children(which would require leaving the partner)

 

[undertheradar]

Regarding the conversation about spouses consenting to their partner's sterilization-- I guess I don't think the spouse's consent should be required (an adult should be able to make their own medical decisions without a partner's permission), but I do think it's valuable to ensure that the spouse is aware of the procedure. It's much better to have an upfront conversation than to discover such a secret after years of trying to conceive.

Bolded-- My cousin had this experience. She had 4 children (all preemies at under 30 weeks including a set of twins) before she was 21. In her situation a tubal was necessary both for her health and any possible future babies, but she could not find a doctor anywhere who was willing until she was over 25. They were eventually able to find a doctor that would give her husband a vasectomy.

My mother, on the other hand, had a tubal days after she turned 24 that she did not want. Her doctor performed it while she was under general anesthesia for a c-section. She had complications with all of her births, so the doctor obtained my father's consent while she was unconscious.

I had my vasectomy in 1997 and my wife had to sign a release. This was in Ohio and explained that some spouses could/would have it done without spousal knowledge. Not my idea of a "weekend away!"

 

[moon]

Not sure what the first part means, but to the second part, well, she asked for input on a message board. And BTW, my kids did turn out great - next time someone you love has to get treatment for cancer, you can thank my older daughter for the work she's done in cancer research to find the best combination of drugs to fight specific cancers.

I don't think he meant any snark or insult with his reply. What I think he means (sorry Low-key if I'm wrong), is that just because you don't have any disabilities doesn't mean that you children "Will turn out great". Yeah, yours did, and that is wonderful, but not everyone does. And I don't get how your daughter's research is relevant to this discussion.

"next time someone you love has to get treatment for cancer" Seriously? Where did that come from?

 

[lanejudy]

@tinkerbellandeeyor I think many people have moments of second thoughts. But it sounds like you and your DH made this decision 5 years ago, and there likely was a lot of thought put into it at that time. Possibly even input from those who know you both well -- parents, doctors, etc. I believe you have worked in childcare and/or a school setting; don't discount that. I don't know if you have any close relatives -- siblings or cousins with children -- that you could spend more time with them. Have you considered mentoring or a Big Brother/Big Sister program? If you belong to a church or religion there might be a program through them -- Sunday School teacher or youth group leader. Maybe someone in your neighborhood or apartment building could use a mother's helper.

It's not wrong to have second thoughts along the road of life, wondering "what if..." of "if only..." -- sometimes wishing we'd made different choices. But in the long run, I think you realize it was the right decision for the two of you. And there are other ways you can be involved in a child's life. You have a lot of love to share with a child and I'm sure you can find potential recipients out there.

 

[Annadesu]

Adoption? Yes, it's a lot of time and money. But there's nothing wrong with bringing a baby into your home. You will love them just as much as your biological children, and vise versa.

If that's not an option, then volunteer to work with small children? Maybe at school or church? Babysitting? That way, you still get the interaction with children, but don't have to bring them home with you at the end of the day.

I also think it's important that you mention this to your husband, as well. That's not a good thing to hide from each other.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Thanks again everyone I well stick to volunteering and I well looking into the big brother big sister program

 

[Southernmiss]

Visit with a baby for a day or so. Lots of work!

I've got 4. There were occasional twinges of awe aren't babies cute, maybe we should have another. Then I remember the fatigue- so tired you ache, lack of being able to see or think straight and the how the heck do I get time to eat and take a shower.

Then I snap out of it. Nope! I'll visit with someone else's baby and give it back.

 

[mummabear]

Visit with a baby for a day or so. Lots of work!

I've got 4. There were occasional twinges of awe aren't babies cute, maybe we should have another. Then I remember the fatigue- so tired you ache, lack of being able to see or think straight and the how the heck do I get time to eat and take a shower.

Then I snap out of it. Nope! I'll visit with someone else's baby and give it back.

Easy to say when you have 4, that is not really any comfort to someone who really wants a baby and can't (can't for whatever reason)