I get it was my choice as well as dhs

[mom2rtk]

You hear "we are pregnant" a lot though

I have never been a fan of that phrasing. "We" can have a baby. But "we" are never pregnant.

 

[Party.Of.4-NY>>>FL]

I believe that when it comes to having children, and one person wants to and the other doesn't, then the answer is no children. I understand your feelings, but it wouldn't be fair to the child to be brought into a family where one parent may be resentful. In these cases the 'no' outweighs the 'yes'.


(btw, I cleaned up the thread)

I could not agree more with the bolded. The "no" absolutely outweighs the "yes". No always wins. Every. Time.
1no+1yes=NO

P.S.
OP,
The tag line in your profile speaks volumes on this thread. It leads me to believe that no matter what happens, the two of you will be just fine.

 

[MrsDuck]

I'm not sure I completely understand the OP's circumstances, but is it correct to assume that, because you and DH have some disabilities, you both have/had concerns that your child will, as well? That's a valid concern--even perfectly "normal" people can have a child with disabilities. If these concerns led to the vasectomy, and your DH is happy with that, then I don't think reversal is a good idea. For one, your DH doesn't want kids. Secondly, the disability thing could be valid (depending on the specific nature of the disabilities, and I don't want to pry into your personal circumstances). Not only would a child with disabilities be more work, even the easiest child on the planet is a LOT of work, even for young, healthy, active parents who don't have any other challenges.

The other thing is, if the nature of your disability is such that parenting would be a challenge, I don't know if fostering or adopting is going to be a viable choice. First off, your DH may not want these things, either, since he didn't want biological children. Beyond that, it may be extremely difficult for the two of you to jump through the necessary hoops to qualify for adoption--and adoption can come with its own challenges. I'm sorry if this upsets you, but I'm trying to be honest and realistic.

I also don't thin kit's fair to try to talk another person into making a choice that they clearly don't want, such as your DH in this case. You agreed to the procedure years back. He's happy with the status quo.

There may be other ways to fulfill the desire you have. Volunteering with children or adopting a cat or dog might go a long way for you--added bonus, they require a lot less care. Good luck to you.

This is an important post.

Hugs, OP... I know these decisions are always tough.

 

[DisneyOma]

I get what everyone is saying his body I can't make the choice for him. So I either need to adopt/ foster or find a way to fill the void with out kids

If you are interested in becoming a foster parent start looking into your state's rules and regulations, guidelines, etc. If you are thinking about adoption, start saving up money now, as it can be very expensive.

But to have a child to 'fill a void' may not be a good reason to start a family. A baby is an 18+ year commitment, and it's a hard one. It's a new life, one you would be 100% responsible for, and you have to do it for the child, not for yourself. I was posting on another thread about how parents talk about "sacrificing" for their children. That makes me sad - what kid wants to be brought up to feel guilty about stuff? Nothing I have ever done for my kids has been a sacrifice, because I've willingly done exactly what I wanted to do for them. It was my choice to have kids, not their choice, so I am responsible for their needs at all times, until they are mature enough to take care of themselves.

Do you have any pets now? Maybe start off with a cat or small dog to experience a small level of the commitment children deserve.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I'm not sure I completely understand the OP's circumstances, but is it correct to assume that, because you and DH have some disabilities, you both have/had concerns that your child will, as well? That's a valid concern--even perfectly "normal" people can have a child with disabilities. If these concerns led to the vasectomy, and your DH is happy with that, then I don't think reversal is a good idea. For one, your DH doesn't want kids. Secondly, the disability thing could be valid (depending on the specific nature of the disabilities, and I don't want to pry into your personal circumstances). Not only would a child with disabilities be more work, even the easiest child on the planet is a LOT of work, even for young, healthy, active parents who don't have any other challenges.

The other thing is, if the nature of your disability is such that parenting would be a challenge, I don't know if fostering or adopting is going to be a viable choice. First off, your DH may not want these things, either, since he didn't want biological children. Beyond that, it may be extremely difficult for the two of you to jump through the necessary hoops to qualify for adoption--and adoption can come with its own challenges. I'm sorry if this upsets you, but I'm trying to be honest and realistic.

I also don't thin kit's fair to try to talk another person into making a choice that they clearly don't want, such as your DH in this case. You agreed to the procedure years back. He's happy with the status quo.

There may be other ways to fulfill the desire you have. Volunteering with children or adopting a cat or dog might go a long way for you--added bonus, they require a lot less care. Good luck to you.

Thanks everyone for replying I do volunteer with kids during the school year

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Update so for lack of better word the void went away one reason there would be no one to take care the kid for lack of better word after dh and I pass

 

[phorsenuf]

Aren't these the type of conversation to have before marriage and/or having such a procedure done?

 

[design_mom]

Aren't these the type of conversation to have before marriage and/or having such a procedure done?

Of course they are... but to be fair, there are a number of important issues that I have either changed my mind about or they just weren't important to me before and they are now. It really sucks to have a spouse say "but you agreed to this..." 10 or 20 years ago, and therefore it is no longer open for discussion. Sometimes circumstances change, things that seemed unimportant at the time become very important.

However, in the case of bringing a child (or even a pet) into the family, I agree with the others. It takes 2 "yes" votes to move forward, but only 1 "no" to stop it. It really, really sucks when the "vote" doesn't go your way, but that's the way it has to be.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I agree but five years ago I was sure I did not want to be a parent

 

[CF'er]

That's true but it takes 2 to create a pregnancy. It doesn't take 2 to tie your tubes or get snipped.

Ummmm I don't know about you but I don't think this is one of those DIY things. Yes it will take two. Maybe not OP but someone else yes. lol

 

[sam_gordon]

Update so for lack of better word the void went away one reason there would be no one to take care the kid for lack of better word after dh and I pass

Do you expect to pass away in the next 15-18 years?

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Do you expect to pass away in the next 15-18 years?

No but big if I have a kid I do expect him to out live me just like my mom expects me to live longer then her

 

[Pacolovestacos]

No but big if I have a kid I do expect him to out live me just like my mom expects me to live longer then her

So it sounds like adoption is the best option for many reasons. Maybe talk it over with DH and see what his thoughts are.

 

[phorsenuf]

So it sounds like adoption is the best option for many reasons. Maybe talk it over with DH and see what his thoughts are.

I do not believe adoption would be an option for them. Tink, are you still volunteering with children? You really seemed to enjoy doing that.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Do you have any pets? That would be a much better option for you and your husband. Maybe you should consider a small lap dog that you can spoil etc.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Do you have any pets? That would be a much better option for you and your husband. Maybe you should consider a small lap dog that you can spoil etc.

Yep two cats

 

[Allison]

Do you expect to pass away in the next 15-18 years?

I think the valid concern would be having a child who needs care well beyond 15-18 years. This is probably something that needs to be more seriously considered in the op's situation.

 

[dotfurio]

Just a comment on the "we" debate...When DH got his vasectomy I had to sign a paper to give him permission. I thought that was pretty funny since it's his body. So I guess in our case it is more of a "we" lol.

 

[Gracie09]

I do not believe adoption would be an option for them. Tink, are you still volunteering with children? You really seemed to enjoy doing that.

I agree. Adoption and fostering do not appear to be an option

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I agree. Adoption and fostering do not appear to be an option

I get it dh and I would not make good parents