Blended family issue, advice needed

[usarmywife84]

xxxx

 

[North of Mouse]

Well said, juliebug my sentiments exactly!

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[juliebug]

Thank you also

you are both very welcome!~

i hate hearing people say but that's not fair,
#1 pet peeve!

 

[usarmywife84]

xxx

 

[kirstenb1]

I agree with stay offsite and cook at the villa. Although if you're only 2 hrs away, you could even take day trips to WDW. We have season passes to Busch Gardens Williamsburg, and we're 90 minutes away.

Another thought is Busch Gardens/Seaworld has Salute to the Heroes. I know active duty military is free, and maybe their dependents--not totally sure on that. That would give you a great option.

We're DVC members, but if we weren't, I'd book one of those Windsor Hills offsite homes in a heartbeat, cook dinner there, and go to Sea World/Busch Gardens to save $$.

 

[bookgirl]

Eh, stay off site. then you can get a condo for far less. Then you could eat in, counter service lunch and a light dinner. Easy peasy. Buy yes tickets and his ticket would be cheap. If you wanted him to go, of course.

So does your husband not care that you are putting his son and business out for the world to read.

Just ignore this one. She's spouting off to get off. I"m putting her on ignore and so should anyone else.

 

[cheermom1]

Honestly the Op's ss's mom can insist on him having his own room all she wants but the boy has a father and when the ss is with his father he has the right to say that they can stay at a hotel with out him having his own room as long as he has a bed.

That is the stupidest thing i ever heard of! There is NO reason that the ss's FATHER can't take him on trips and always have to spend MORE MONEY just b/c the mom says so.

Op you do not have to make sure he has his own room and spend even more money that is crazy!

I know that I might get flamed for that but I don;t care! My opinion and even the COURTS opinion is that the FATHER has the right to parent the way he sees fit while he has his kids! There is No court that would grant this unless there is a HUGE reason and then if that 'huge' reason existed more them likely the father wouldn't get the kid!

This is VACATION not everyday life, very different from staying at home. At home yes he should have his own space but on vacation NO!

To everyone that is saying she should stay off site is wrong you can SUGGEST it yes but to make her feel that is her only option is WRONG! If they want to stay on then that is their RIGHT! They know how much they need to make that happen. No need to make the op feel like crap when it is really the ss's mom that is making it difficult by not paying her half of the plane tic and for asking for more money on top of CS and for insisting that the ss has his on room on vacation NOT the op!

 

[North of Mouse]

 

[cheermom1]

Are you giving me the ? If so thanks

 

[North of Mouse]

Yes, cheermom1, leave my "thinker" at home sometimes, forgetting that people aren't mind readers I think everyone involved should be thankful the OP loves her dss - not every child is so lucky and quit quibbling about things that don't matter. See you are in NW AR - I have family in Huntsville and go to Springdale and Fayetteville often when there!

 

[disykat]

My 2 cents:

Ask dss if he wants to go to WDW sometime when he is here. If he does, try to make it happen. You live in Florida for goodness sake. Everyone probably asks him "Florida, did you go to WDW?" since they know he was within driving distance. I think he could easily feel bad if he finds out you've been, but just not with him. If he says "disney is for babies" then you are off the hook.

Of course you can take your dd on vacation. The point where you go wrong is saying "we can take dd, but can't afford to take ds because he costs too much." If that was a valid argument people would be leaving their older kids at home all the time. It's not all going to be equal, but you can try to be fair. Fair would be at least offering dss the chance to go on one of his trips here.

The way you can make it happen is save the money you spend on $2000 plane trips by buying his tickets earlier. It's going to be cheaper to pay the whole thing than wait for mom to cough up half. I think you are wasting money "right fighting." Are you right? Absolutely. Is it smart to keep losing money over it? No.

Get one hotel room. Unless it's in the custody agreement, if you are married to the father, dss's mom is being unreasonable and doesn't get to decide if dss has his own hotel room. I also think taking a shorter trip, staying off site, etc. is well worth the sacrifice to be able to take both children.

IMO, it sounds like you will come out ahead if you just go ahead and pay all the transportation knowing you'll probably never get half, the child support your dh has been sending monthly, but send NO extras.

My other comment is about 50/50 parenting. Your dd gets two 100% parents. IMO, DSS should get two 100% parents with the added bonus of you - in the best case scenario another 100% parent. He didn't ask for this family situation. When all parents involved treat them as their own that "extra" percentage can fill in the fractures of the "broken" family.

I don't in any way think every child has to go to WDW. I don't even think step children need to be included in every vacation. However, I wouldn't want a child to see pictures of his family on a WDW vacation without him, especially if he found out they went when he wasn't there so they wouldn't have to pay for his ticket.

 

[cheermom1]

Yes, cheermom1, leave my "thinker" at home sometimes, forgetting that people aren't mind readers I think everyone involved should be thankful the OP loves her dss - not every child is so lucky and quit quibbling about things that don't matter. See you are in NW AR - I have family in Huntsville and go to Springdale and Fayetteville often when there!

Yes by the sounds of it the op really does try her best. She was just frustrated that her ss's mom got all bent out of shape b/c they took their dd to disney with out her son. However she took him on a ski trip with out her dd. (note here we all know that dd will never be invited to go anywhere with ss's mom and the op would never let that happen) It was just the fact that ss WILL be doing things without his sister all the time b/c he lives with his mom. So why can't can't hi sister do things without her brother?? that is the point.

And op is frustrated that ss's mom refuses to pay her half on his plane tix and they SHOULD NOT have to pay her slack. What I would do here is this: buy a one way ticket and if the mom wants him back (she will) then she will have to buy his ticket back to her. That will solve all that. Most of the time it only takes once of this happening for the other to get it. No the ss doesn;t have to be in the middle or know that his dad even did this. The dad can keep that between his ex and him.

Then dad needs to just say no to extras and explain to the ex that he can't afford that and to take ss to disney and other things that he wants too if he pays for extras that CS is too cover.

My dh had to things this way to his ex in the beginning and things are so much better now. My step son mom even talks to me now. And b/c things have calmed down I can have a good relationship with them and they really like me and I really like them. (note I liked them form the beginning they just wasn't sure of what to do b/c their mom was telling them to not like me and be mean to me and my kids, that made it difficult to have a relationship).

And yep that is where I live awesome that you know this area. How often do you come here? I want to move somewhere where it is warmer all year long but that won't happen for a long while. lol

 

[pls5286]

This is what we do in our house. We are truly blended. My oldest is mine alone. His dad has never been a part of his life. He is 15 and does not leave for weekend visits or holidays to his dads. My DH and I provide 100% of his support. My stepson is 12 and autistic.. He is here every weekend, every day school is out and every Thursday. We provide 100% of his school supplies and everything he needs for here. His mom provides little except for shelter and food. My DD is 8. She goes to her dad's every other weekend and we rotate holidays. Her dad and I share most of her extra costs such as school supplies etc.

As far as trips go, we go on trips as a family. These are enjoyed by everyone. There are two trips we are planning now. One is a cruise during fall break this upcoming school year. The other is a short getaway to the mountains during spring break this March. There have been trips that we have taken with just the oldest. He is on a Nationally ranked archery team and two years ago we traveled to Louisville, KY for a tournament. It was not possible that year to take the youngest two. The following year, we did take them. DD is in Girl Scouts. There was a trip last year where the girls went to Savannah, GA. She and I went. DSS was in school that week (he had moved in with us and attends a special school and was not out of school like the other two were). The boys and DH and I have been on several Boy Scout camp outs without DD (and she has come with us on some) and we have taken DSS only to a few, although DS usually comes to most of them because he ends up working staff and getting community service hours for scouts at the cub scout camps.

Everyone gets one on one time with us, plus we get group time as a family. As far as the child having his own hotel room, my boys share a room here at home. The boys have a twin bed with a trundle underneath. Bunk beds are not feasible here because of DSS being autistic. He has fallen off the ladders of bunk beds more than once, so this is what works for our family. DSS's mom tried to push the own room here when me and Dh got together, but it was a no go. He doesn't even have his own room at her house.

 

[Colleen27]

Quite honestly, even the half that your DH has been paying isn't reasonable. That's what child support is for. Unless there is some unusual expense like camp or braces or such that comes up, the child support is your DH's half of his son's expenses. But I understand the dilemma - it sounds like his ex has chosen a lifestyle that requires the child support just to maintain, leaving her stuck when it comes to extras, and of course you and your DH don't want to say no when it comes to sports equipment and other costs that are clearly for your DSS. And you really should take the travel issue to court; the longer your DH lets her ignore her legal obligations the more that will look like informal consent to the courts.

The fairness issue is entirely separate, and that's not something I'd tolerate. When someone brings it up, just say "I understand how you feel" or some other non-answer and change the subject or end the conversation. Even between full siblings who live in the same home fairness is hard to maintain, and with the age difference between your DSS and DD ridiculous to attempt because of the differences in their needs and wants. Add in the fact that he lives on the other side of the country and what DSS's family is asking is impossible - he has opportunities and experiences that don't involved your DD, but they're expecting that you'll never do anything for your DD that doesn't include him.

And just as a frame of reference, I have a blended family too. I get how it works. DS14 gets opportunities and experiences when he's with his dad that DH & I can't/don't match for our girls, and sometimes our girls get experiences that DS misses out on because he's with his dad. And DS's little half-brother on his dad's side gets to do things that DS misses out on because he's not at his dad's or has other commitments with school and sports that his (preschool-aged) half-brother doesn't have. Oh, and he has two step-siblings at his dad's as well, which brings yet another family dynamic into play. Fairness all the way around is unobtainable unless everyone involved decides to stop living and make it priority #1, at the expense of the experiences they can afford in the time they have together.

 

[Colleen27]

But you are 100% correct I picked the wrong crowd to throw a "im not taking one child to disney but taking the other" into

Boy is that the truth! Every thread where a parent asks about leaving one or more of the kids home can get pretty opinionated, even when all the kids have the same biological parents and living arrangements.

 

[North of Mouse]

Boy is that the truth! Every thread where a parent asks about leaving one or more of the kids home can get pretty opinionated, even when all the kids have the same biological parents and living arrangements.

OP, as long as you and your dh agree, it is nobody else's business. "He who tries to please everybody, pleases nobody". My best to you. You sound like a very nice person and don't deserve the bashing from the "know it all" set. And for you cheermom1, we go to NW AR about once a yr. (1000 mi. ) and where I live and my sis live are a lot alike temp. wise - sometimes colder or hotter there and vice versa Last year y'all had a bummer cold winter - this from a south LA girl. Sorry to hijack your thread OP

 

[cheermom1]

OP, as long as you and your dh agree, it is nobody else's business. "He who tries to please everybody, pleases nobody". My best to you. You sound like a very nice person and don't deserve the bashing from the "know it all" set. And for you cheermom1, we go to NW AR about once a yr. (1000 mi. ) and where I live and my sis live are a lot alike temp. wise - sometimes colder or hotter there and vice versa Last year y'all had a bummer cold winter - this from a south LA girl. Sorry to hijack your thread OP

You are very right about 'He who tries to please everybody, pleases nobody'! op you need to do what is best for YOUR family as there is NO ONE WAY to do things like this. It is what is best for each family.

Yes it was NO power for 2 years in a row for us! I just want to be warm all year not hot but warm! lol

 

[Leajess99]

$2000 plane tickets? you are being robbed. I fly back and forth across country, and have never paid a third of that.

Guilt? No. But it sure as heck isn't the kid's fault, and that is who you are penalizing for the mom's issues.

As far as how I'd answer my daughter in that situation? I'd say that nothing makes up for not being able to spend every day with his dad. That she is blessed to have a family that is not divided.

You have the opportunity to make a positive or negative impact. You can encourage realationships and make an effort. Or you can do the necessary, stop giving a crap once he turns 18 and you don't have to fool with him anymore.

No, the stepmom is NOT penalizing for the mom's issues, the mom is penalizing the child. People seriously need to stop expecting the ex to support them because they want to blow their money elsewhere!!!!

It doesn't sound like the OP does not give a crap about the child. She is helping her dh support the child and should NOT be made to feel guilty because she is not stopping her family from living.

ETA: As far as support, I was not talking about the child support but of the extras the ex wants.

 

[Leajess99]

Wow!! Getting out can be done if one wants to...and could've happened when he learned of his son. My kids dad *my ex* was in the Air Guard and got out, and that wouldn't even take him out of our state, he just had had enough and now has an excellent *civillian/GS 11 or 12* job on the air force base here in UT. I can see now that living close isn't something that's important to him, one night stand *how did she remember him, have his information to find him??!! Wow wow wow!

Ok so you wanted her dh to become unemployed and therefore unable to support the child?? What sense does that make??

OP, please than your dh for his service.