Blended family issue, advice needed

[usarmywife84]

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[worm761]

Stop discussing your finances with these people. Second, DH's family, DH deals with them. Just stop. You can only be the bad guy here. Half is perfectly acceptable. When these people call, tell them it is none of their business and if they are so concerned they can pay the other half. Yeah. I'm not really that nice but my money is mine to do with as I wish.

 

[usarmywife84]

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[GSUJillybean]

I agree with you. I do.

But forget Ex-wife for a second. Can you imagine what it must have been like for that little boy to know his dad was taking his sister to WDW, but not him?

I'm widowed-- my new husband knew that DS and I were a package deal, and that if he couldn't treat DS just the same as any future kids, then he needed to find someone else to have kids with.

I know it's hard. I can't imagine, but I can tell you that childhood me would have been really, really hurt. And I can also tell you that if my husband suggested we take a new baby to WDW but not DS, he wouldn't be my husband anymore.

 

[mum of two pirates]

When they call for money, politly say did you not get his child support check? You could always just buy him one way tickets to your house and then she would have to pay to get him back. What you choose to spend your guys money on is your choice not thiers. I was a StepMom for 17 years and ended up dealing with a lot of that too. My DH got so he wouldn't even talk to his ex because she just wanted money or yelled all the time. We were every other full week thoe. We would go away and do lots of stuff and She was always welcome to come. They would tell her she wouldn't have fun and shouldn't go so she choose not to go. She missed out on a Disney cruise and 15 days at Disney World. two differnt DW trips, a R.C. Cruise and a trip to Mexico. Plus tons of other stuff because she "didn't want to go" I didn't feel bad as it was really her choice.

 

[usarmywife84]

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[usarmywife84]

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[GSUJillybean]

We actually did the one way ticket route one year and she called two days before she was supposed to have emailed us his ticket and said she couldnt afford it. DSS had to go back to school that week, so we had to cough up the money to send him back. We spent 3 times as much buying 2 one way tickets than we would have spent buying a round trip
But what could we have done? Not send him back? The courts would have taken that as not returning him

Ooh. Now THAT? I would be asking an attorney what to do there. There HAS to be a way to keep you from getting taken on this.

When you have him for the summer, you don't still pay c/s those months, right?

 

[usarmywife84]

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[brockash]

I agree with you. I do.

But forget Ex-wife for a second. Can you imagine what it must have been like for that little boy to know his dad was taking his sister to WDW, but not him?

I'm widowed-- my new husband knew that DS and I were a package deal, and that if he couldn't treat DS just the same as any future kids, then he needed to find someone else to have kids with.

I know it's hard. I can't imagine, but I can tell you that childhood me would have been really, really hurt. And I can also tell you that if my husband suggested we take a new baby to WDW but not DS, he wouldn't be my husband anymore.

I agree. While the finance thing is one issue, and yes I think 50/50 is right/fair. The big vacation thing is another. If it were you, when you were a kid, and your parents were divorced and one of your parents took his/her "new family" new wife, newer kid to Disney and didn't take you...wouldn't you feel completely left out, and like you weren't part of his/her real family?
I'm not saying that you can never take your dd anywhere alone (because just honestly you won't/don't have your dss very often), but somewhere big like Disney??? Well, in my opinion, you married a family, not just your husband. He already had a kid, so like pp. said, it's a package deal, and no I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving one of my kids out of a Disney trip.
Here's what's going to happen, your dss isn't going to think of you and his dad as his real family (because you guys don't include him as an equal kid in your family.) Maybe your husband won't care, so it may not be an issue to him, but trust me, that's what's going to happen. I'm not saying that was your real first intention, but just trying to give you the kids point of view.

 

[jillyb]

I'm a Stepmom. I've been in my SD's life since she was 2. She's 14 now. DH and I have a DD together. There is no way in the world I'd put up with DH's family and/or his Ex giving us heck about how we choose to spend our money. It's none of their business. What we do when SD isn't here is our business, just like what she does when she's not with is her/her Mom's business.

My MIL has made comments to me before (when DD was much younger) when we've planned something with DD and SD isn't going to be with us. She said it wasn't fair to SD not to wait to take her too. I told her I wasn't about to put my life or my DD's life on hold or make DD miss out on things just because SD couldn't participate. It's not fair to her (our DD). DH agrees and has told his Mom so. She still doesn't like it but she keeps it to herself now. Plus, as in your situation, SD does things with her Mom and Stepdad so it's not like she's not getting to do anything. Don't let people put a guilt trip on you!

 

[usarmywife84]

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[gower525]

It is a sticky situation. I am in a similar bind regarding vacationing. I have a ds10 and a dd7 and a dsd9. Dsd only comes every other weekend. She cries and gets very upset if we have done ANYTHING without her. I understand that she feels left out, but are we supposed to sit at home for 2 weeks? We got hockey tickets for free at the last minute over Christmas and went to the game without her. She found out and cried and got mad for a long time. She even said to DH, "You promised you would never have fun without me". He says he didn't say that, but what do we do? I told her we do have fun sometimes, just like she has fun with her mom (She went to Hawaii for 2 weeks), but that we always have more fun when she is with us. We have not taken any trips without her as a family. I have taken DD and DS without DH to visit family out of town, but that is it.

 

[usarmywife84]

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[usarmywife84]

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[Leajess99]

Thank you also!
If DSS lived closer and we'd not have the huge expense of paying for all his flights it would be much much more feasible to take vacations with him.
We have mentioned this to ex also but she sticks to her story about not having the money for the plane tickets.

I'm really concerned as to what will happen if we decide to have a second child because then we certainly would not be able to afford covering every plane ticket every time does DH just not see SS if his mom won't cooperate?

It may honestly take not getting him if she will not pay her share. There is no reason that she is not paying her share to send him to visit you other than her knowing that you guys will not go to court over it.

Document everything so if your DH does end up in court again he has it in writing. Also, stop paying the extras when she calls. If your ex is paying his child support (I'm sure he is as the military will step in if he is not) than that is all he is required to do. He may need to see if the court can force her to provide documentation/receipts for where his child support is going to if she keeps calling asking for money.

If your DH and you want to send extra money than that is YOUR choice. It really irritates me how some mothers can expect their exes to pay above child support for every little thing because they want the CS for themselves.

My ex husband is like your DH's ex in that he doesn't want to pay half the costs either. Sometimes the fight is not worth it but in this case when you DH gets home he may really need to head to court. In Ky summer visitation is generally 5 weeks if you live out of the state (my ex only gets 2 weeks a year due to abuse issues). 2 weeks is insane and just not enough time.

As for Disney, I would not stress it as you did nothing wrong. Your family should not have to go without because there is another child. Your dh is paying gis child support and his mom could pay for him to go on whatever trip. should he not be allowed to do anything because your daughter isn't there to do it with him?? Of course not so why should your daughter not get to do things without him??

 

[Leajess99]

I agree with you. I do.

But forget Ex-wife for a second. Can you imagine what it must have been like for that little boy to know his dad was taking his sister to WDW, but not him?

I'm widowed-- my new husband knew that DS and I were a package deal, and that if he couldn't treat DS just the same as any future kids, then he needed to find someone else to have kids with.

I know it's hard. I can't imagine, but I can tell you that childhood me would have been really, really hurt. And I can also tell you that if my husband suggested we take a new baby to WDW but not DS, he wouldn't be my husband anymore.

Your situation is completely different as there is no ex in it. My father died when I was 9 years old and I can say that I think it was easier to deal with growing up without my dad than what my kids deal with with having a father who is elsewhere.

Should my kids or I feel bad because we went on a trip without their half brother but with their father?? Should my kids be mad because their half brother will go on trips without them?? They don't live in the same house (unlike your son and if you have a new baby) and may or may not see each other in the future. You can't not live your life because their is a step/half child/sibling. That is just crazy to think the step/half child needs to go everywhere your family goes. If they were going on the trip when the step child was to be there than yes, include them but why should the kids in the home suffer and go without while the stepchild is off on a vacation with his other parent??

 

[cornflake]

I would definitely stop discussing your finances with these people at all. If she calls for money - as another poster suggested, just ask if she didn't receive the child support and then get off the subject/don't engage with her about it at all.

If there's a support agreement in place, I think that's generally that, except for specific other things that come up that can then be split. Like if the kid in question wants to go to a special camp one year that's like $2000 - that's a new thing, outside the general expenses, I think that can be a 'he wants to go to this camp, can we split the cost 50/50' conversation.

However, constant calling for random $? No. Obviously you wouldn't want your stepson to suffer because she's out of money but as long as you're not talking about 'there's no food,' which it certainly doesn't sound like you are - her money issues are not your or your husband's problem. Think about it in reverse, if you guys had extra expenses and it was really tight to pay the support, and you called up saying, 'hey, we're going to pay $200 less for a couple months because, you know, times are tough,' how would she take it? Because that's pretty much exactly the same thing, just in reverse.

As for Disney - no, I don't think you have to wait for him. If she was truly impoverished and could really not afford half his plane ticket to you and he never got to go on vacation, maybe it's a different conversation. Maybe in that instance you could, say, plan for a big trip for him and you guys for a specific date like next summer, and try hard to save and get her to save for the airfare in a specific acct.

As it is, he goes on vacation with her, she's obligated to pay half the airfare by the court (if she truly could not afford it, she could get the order amended by showing proof she couldn't afford it and the way it worked would be changed by the court - maybe the times would change so it'd be fewer trips but longer and you'd pay or maybe the support would be altered in exchange or something else), and she's doing this.

If she doesn't pay her share - take her to court and get on her. They can make her or amend the order if she can prove she can't afford it, but it doesn't sound like that's likely. If she's just refusing, she can get in trouble and you can get it fixed.

People are wary of going to court to do this stuff but it will protect you and your stepson in the end. It's better to have it all worked out on paper and then when someone doesn't do what they're supposed to, it'll be taken care of.

 

[Arabelle]

I think it is different issues. Paying half is fine. Picky, but fine.

Planning major vacations without someone who needs his dad and as much time and memories with his new sibling, assuming you want them to be close, is not my style at all. Taking one more costs very little. A ticket and some meals. Too many parents forget their original children when they start over with new one. Too many new partners are all the more happy to allow that, too.

Seldomly do they consider how they would feel if he/she did the same to the new family.

 

[usarmywife84]

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