Wedding invitation snub

[AustinTink]

First off HUGS!

And yes it is eye opening to know the truth.

So I will end with Maya Angelou's quote to save yourself future pain.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

I love that quote. Words to live by.

 

[DawnM]

I
You never struck me as someone reluctant to speak up . Practice this, and repeat as needed (with no embellishment or explanation): "Thank you for asking, but I can't."

Oh, it was over 10 years ago now. And I thought I was invited. I figured I just hadn't gotten the card yet. No idea why this is so tiny.

 

[Iya]

The bride is part of the bride's family, and the hosts - aka bride's family - set the number of invitees.

It will be a cold day in hell before someone other than my child tells me who I can and cannot invite to my child's wedding. I'd love to see my future DIL's mother try it.

 

[lambdabeta]

It's customary to include out of town guests at the rehearsal dinner. It's also customary for the groom's family to host - pay for - the rehearsal dinner (my parents paid for 49 guests before my brother 's wedding. It's NOT customary to dictate where the dinner is held. She should have it somewhere she can afford, even if that's the Elks Hall. Or Pizza Hut.

It is actually customary to only invite the bride and groom, the immediate bridal party and possible S/O or parents for young ones, parents of Bride and siblings not in the bridal party and the officiant and their S/O. Inviting out of town guests is a new idea that is not necessary or customary per Emily Post. It is called a "rehearsal" dinner not a pre-wedding party. Out of town guests are not part of the rehearsal. If you would like to invite out of town guests to a party or event before the wedding it is definitely optional and not up to the bride, her family and her wedding planner since the grooms family will be paying for it. Considering this is a destination wedding everyone is an out of town guest including the bride and groom. If I was an out of town guest I would never expect to be invited to the rehearsal dinner because I was not at the rehearsal. Inviting out of town guests is just one of those new stupid things like the PP with the pot luck wedding.

 

[mummabear]

The bride is part of the bride's family, and the hosts - aka bride's family - set the number of invitees.

You are missing the point. If the bride and groom truely wanted someone there, then it is up to them to make that happen. Whether it is by hosting (and paying) themselves or by making cut backs in other areas. But don’t say that you really wanted so and so there but the venue didn’t fit them-it was more important to you to have that venue than that guest.

 

[EMom]

It is actually customary to only invite the bride and groom, the immediate bridal party and possible S/O or parents for young ones, parents of Bride and siblings not in the bridal party and the officiant and their S/O. Inviting out of town guests is a new idea that is not necessary or customary per Emily Post. It is called a "rehearsal" dinner not a pre-wedding party. Out of town guests are not part of the rehearsal. If you would like to invite out of town guests to a party or event before the wedding it is definitely optional and not up to the bride, her family and her wedding planner since the grooms family will be paying for it. Considering this is a destination wedding everyone is an out of town guest including the bride and groom. If I was an out of town guest I would never expect to be invited to the rehearsal dinner because I was not at the rehearsal. Inviting out of town guests is just one of those new stupid things like the PP with the pot luck wedding.

That’s right. It’s not traditional, just optional, to invite OOT guests. Years ago, a friend married on the other side of Texas and due to the driving distance, most of the people invited to the wedding arrived the day before. She invited many of us to the rehearsal dinner, which meant it would be a huge affair, much larger than normal. I thought she was just trying to be polite, so I told her I appreciated the invitation, but it wasn’t necessary. She then explained that her parents had divorced on the worst terms possible when she was in school and that there was still much bitterness. They hadn’t been in the same room in ages. She essentially begged us to come, because more guests meant more of a buffer between her parents. Plus,she thought they’d be less likely to make a scene with non-family around. So we attended the largest rehearsal dinner I’ve ever seen.

 

[kaytieeldr]

It will be a cold day in hell before someone other than my child tells me who I can and cannot invite to my child's wedding. I'd love to see my future DIL's mother try it.

Sounds like the relationship between the two moms will be off to a rocky start. Might not be a bad idea to be more flexible and, well, reasonable. Or demand to pay for the whole thing. Then you get to dictate how many invitees.

 

[Iya]

Sounds like the relationship between the two moms will be off to a rocky start. Might not be a bad idea to be more flexible and, well, reasonable. Or demand to pay for the whole thing. Then you get to dictate how many invitees.

Get back to me after you’re involved in planning your child’s wedding. Thankfully this is 2018, not 1968.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Get back to me after you’re involved in planning your child’s wedding. Thankfully this is 2018, not 1968.

"I'd love to see my future DIL's mother try it. " is contentious. Even in 2018.

 

[Disneychick75]

Sorry OP, I would be hurt too. Hugs

 

[mousefan73]

But this is the point. It

There are a variety of reasons that one doesn't end up being invited and I can understand most times its not personal so I don't take it that way.

has to be personal. It seems it‘s a largee wedding, Yet the one personnwho is Godmother, Aunt, and woman who helped raise is not invited???

 

[mousefan73]

Well finally read the entire thread as I had nothing better to do. My final comment on OP:

For the love if God pick up the darn phone NOW and call your nephew and be direct in a nice way and ask what is going on!!!!!!

By avoiding the issue you are only contributing to a dysfunctional situation.

 

[Nancyg56]

It will be a cold day in hell before someone other than my child tells me who I can and cannot invite to my child's wedding. I'd love to see my future DIL's mother try it.

Easy to say when your son is marrying a woman who is willing to compromise, who does not have preconcieved ideas of what "her" wedding is going to eb, and whose parents are not bent on ensureing that their every detail is adhered to while your son and his family are along for the ride.

One thing I learned a long time ago is that when we are on the outside looking in at wedding planning it can be very clear to see how the marriage will be "run." If the couple is courteous of both sides of the family, and both respect the traditions, finances, etc of the "other" side, and can manage to include both families in planning whiel still maintaining their own identity, you will have a peek at how the relationship between each family and the couple will flow. WHen one side, either brides side or groom's, has a voice that must be adhered to regardless of the concerns of the other, you will see how the dynamic is going to be moving forward.

It is very easy to say what your reaction would be when you are not wearing those very tight shoes someone else is wearing. I am very lucky to be blessed with children who married people who respected us, but I have been an uphappy observer with family members who were not as lucky as my DH and I. There is no graceful way to put your own foot down when it is going to land on your child, and once that occurs rebuilding the break is very complicated, if at all possible.

A wise woman told me years ago that

1: She would never lose her son over her DIL
2: We all are given a finite number of bullets in this life so when you choose to use your ammunition, make it count.

I have never forgotten her advise, and to this day I am very careful about my words and my actions with my children and their spouses. If they ask I will share my opinion. If they do not ask I think long and hard about using that bullet to make my point.

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

But this is the point. It

has to be personal. It seems it‘s a largee wedding, Yet the one personnwho is Godmother, Aunt, and woman who helped raise is not invited???

OP was speaking in hypothetical in her first post which is what I based my post on.its annoying how people do that and then give their story. It's like those facebook friends that say something cryptic so that everyone will ask them what is wrong and they get attention.

 

[Darcy03231]

It will be a cold day in hell before someone other than my child tells me who I can and cannot invite to my child's wedding. I'd love to see my future DIL's mother try it.

Are you willing to pay for whomever you want to invite? That would include the larger reception venue, costs per plate, extra flowers/centerpieces, etc.?

DD's future MIL gave her and her fiancé a huge list of her closest family/friends. Her list was more than double what their list and our list was. When she was told she could invite all those people, but she would have to pay for them it was amazing how quickly her list shrunk!

 

[Iya]

Are you willing to pay for whomever you want to invite? That would include the larger reception venue, costs per plate, extra flowers/centerpieces, etc.?

DD's future MIL gave her and her fiancé a huge list of her closest family/friends. Her list was more than double what their list and our list was. When she was told she could invite all those people, but she would have to pay for them it was amazing how quickly her list shrunk!

Our list as parents is about 50 people and 30 of those would be overlaps with DS's. We've already discussed with him what we will be doing in regards to the cost. The other family will not be allowed to steamroll my child's wedding (regardless of gender), as was suggested above.

 

[Nancyg56]

Our list as parents is about 50 people and 30 of those would be overlaps with DS's. We've already discussed with him what we will be doing in regards to the cost. The other family will not be allowed to steamroll my child's wedding (regardless of gender), as was suggested above.

Again, it sounds like your family is already in the same page. I watched family get steamrolled, and that pattern continued throughout the marraiges, whch are no longer in place. If your DS is enamoured and either in lock step with his bride, or unwilling to insist on a compromise, you would be surprised how quickly the demands of Mom go down the drain. You can withhold funds, support, whatever, but if the couple and the IL's are not aquiescing it is not going to happen.

 

[eeyoreandtink]

My concern would be that the Nephew doesn't know you were not invited and would be hurt if you didn't show. I think a simple conversation with him would be best. You aren't going to put more stress on him before his wedding if he already knows. If he doesn't you are potentially salvaging a relationship.If your sister gets mad, let her. I quit caring what the crazies in my family thought or said about me a long time ago, and it has been a freeing experience.

 

[leebee]

My concern would be that the Nephew doesn't know you were not invited and would be hurt if you didn't show. I think a simple conversation with him would be best. You aren't going to put more stress on him before his wedding if he already knows. If he doesn't you are potentially salvaging a relationship.If your sister gets mad, let her. I quit caring what the crazies in my family thought or said about me a long time ago, and it has been a freeing experience.

On the other hand... Maybe the nephew DOES know OP isn't being invited and that's why he's stopped visiting- so he doesn't have to divert conversation about a wedding to which he knew OP wasn't being invited. Instead of getting caught in an awkward situation (could be anything as simple as "How are the wedding plans going?), maybe the nephew decided to just back off from seeing OP and her family.

 

[bethwc101]

Im sorry but DH and I paid for our wedding, so our parents did not get to invite any "friends" that were not on our list already. We only had less than 100 at our reception and only 30 at the ceremony. When my MIL started inviting people who we didn't invite it got ugly. Only close cousins and SO were invited. Like 3 or 4 combined both our sides.
Even the day before the ceremony MIL invited guests to the ceremony that weren't invited. So some of my guests had to stand. I was furious! but in the middle of the ceremony when I realized so couldn't say anything.
It is the Bride and Groom's wedding day. They can invite who they want when they want.
But to OP, if they are giving you a "title" like Godmother that implies you are close with them, I would think you would be invited. Seems like something might have upset them or been interpreted wrong. I would directly ask the bride and groom if I did something to upset them or offend them.