Wedding invitation snub

[Jaya]

Goodness, 600 people? What kind of bridezillas do y’all know? Anything more than 100 isn’t a wedding, it’s a coronation...

You obviously haven't been to an Indian wedding. Anything less than a thousand is considered an elopement....LOL.

 

[RangerPooh]

Personally I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about it. FYI I haven't read all 12 pages, just half....

Either the brides side of the family who is paying for it has limited the number of invites the grooms side receives, family was purposefully chopped (Could they be considered embarrassing to a wealthy group? Do they have any reason to not like you?), or friends (or brides family associates) are more important than family.

Snubbing might be a way to sever ties to the family. I have seen this happen with family members that the wealthier side views less deserving of their attention. People that they (their upper class friends/associates) might consider to be embarrassing.

Or it could simply be that his side was granted very few invites and he had to decide who received them. This might be the case as it sounds like the other aunts/uncles were not invited.

We were not invited to a few of my cousins weddings (who attended ours) and honestly while it bugged me for a brief moment, I realize that weddings are expensive. We are not that close, and other cousins weren't invited either.

I would not send a gift to a wedding that I wasn't invited to.

 

[lambdabeta]

As far as the family thing, I walked on eggshells for years with my brother but no more. It was exhausting, sooner or later you have to decide what is right for you & your children. Just do it & if it means cut ties so be it. You live your life being afraid to offend a pretty much narcissistic person.

@AustinTink I can tell you about my family because as I read your posts it sounded like you were describing my family. I also have a sister who was a problem in our family. Everyone walked on egg shells around her. The reason I quoted the above is she does have a personality disorder and it is Narcissism. She is extremely manipulative. As long as no one challenged her everything was ok but if you disagreed with her you would feel her rage. I was the object of most of her anger because I didn't accept her bull. I tolerated her for my mother's sake because that is who she would take it out on when I made her mad. Now that my Mother is dead, my sister, brother and I don't speak to her anymore. There was a lot of drama while my Mom was sick and my brother and older sister learned what I already knew. She was unreasonable, manipulative and a liar. Unfortunately, she has two children. I am the godmother of her daughter. Because of their mother they go along with everything she says but they are only 18 now. I don't know how they will be when they are in their 30's like your nephew but it sounds like your sister has been manipulating him a long time. I understand what a lot of posters have said but I also understand what you are saying. It sounds from your comments that your relationship with your nephew was starting to go downhill before the wedding invitations. Take it from someone who knows from experience this may be the time to cut them out of your life. It sounds like you have to walk on eggshells for both your sister and your nephew and that is not worth it. It also sounds like you have plenty of other siblings you can be close to and continue to have relationships with. When we cut my younger sister out of our family our holiday gatherings became so much more pleasant and we became so much closer. I don't believe in forgive and forget unless both parties are doing the forgiving and forgetting. In our case it was always one sided. I for one don't need that. I'd rather forget it all together.

Now to the wedding. The reason I started to read this thread is because I am going through the same thing with my older sister's son's wedding. We were not invited to their destination wedding to Disney. I was hurt but I didn't get angry. My older sister told me they could only invite so many people and that was fine. My older sister and her other children got mad for me when she found out the bride's family was inviting 15 and the groom had 4 which includes my sister. To make matters worse they didn't invite 2 of my nephew's siblings for lame reasons and then told my sister she had to pay for a rehearsal brunch which includes all 24 people that will be there. Not just the bridal party. My sister does not have that kind of money. They are trying to work it out but she is angry and my other nieces and nephews are angry. So I totally understand all sides of your dilemma and I hope things work out but I wouldn't worry so much about having a relationship with your sister or nephew based on what you have revealed here. It doesn't sound like it is worth it. My life is so much better and happier without my younger sister and family in it. I hope my experience can help you.

I am glad your house is going to be ok. I hope you recover quickly from the flu. It sounds like you need a vacation.
I am sending you some pixie dust.

 

[kaytieeldr]

You look at who you want to be there and pick a venue to suit.

Which it seems is what the hosts (aka bride's family) did, and then advised the groom's family of their equal number.

Yikes. I agree that's a perfectly reasonable standard, but using that standard, my husband's sister wouldn't even have been invited.

She would completely reasonably be on your husband's list. The poster you quoted is referring to relatives on the bride's side she never met, and relatives on the groom's side he never met.

 

[DawnM]

Once I was asked to house the pianist. She was a close friend of mine and had been for years. The bride to be was a friend's daughter. The pianist was invited but I wasn't. There were 500 guests and it was a huge, lavish affair. No way to get around that they just didn't invite me......I was even asked to drive the friend to the wedding and back, 45 min. each way, but not attend the wedding. And I picked her up and took her back to the airport. I honestly didn't mind the airport or housing her, we are good friends, she was even one of my bridesmaids, but the rest.....I still scratch my head.

 

[mom2rtk]

Once I was asked to house the pianist. She was a close friend of mine and had been for years. The bride to be was a friend's daughter. The pianist was invited but I wasn't. There were 500 guests and it was a huge, lavish affair. No way to get around that they just didn't invite me......I was even asked to drive the friend to the wedding and back, 45 min. each way, but not attend the wedding. And I picked her up and took her back to the airport. I honestly didn't mind the airport or housing her, we are good friends, she was even one of my bridesmaids, but the rest.....I still scratch my head.

That's awful! Almost worth the snub just to have such a great story to tell though. You were a good enough friend to house and transport the pianist....... just not good enough for an invite. Hey, maybe you only just missed making the list........

 

[DawnM]

That's awful! Almost worth the snub just to have such a great story to tell though. You were a good enough friend to house and transport the pianist....... just not good enough for an invite. Hey, maybe you only just missed making the list........

I wasn't one of their 500 best friends!

It still does bother me. It really does. And my friend, the pianist, was embarrassed for them. She thought it was awful too. She didn't realize I wasn't invited until closer to the wedding.

 

[mom2rtk]

I wasn't one of their 500 best friends!

It still does bother me. It really does. And my friend, the pianist, was embarrassed for them. She thought it was awful too. She didn't realize I wasn't invited until closer to the wedding.

What..... you didn't take comfort in being number 501?

 

[sk!mom]

Once I was asked to house the pianist. She was a close friend of mine and had been for years. The bride to be was a friend's daughter. The pianist was invited but I wasn't. There were 500 guests and it was a huge, lavish affair. No way to get around that they just didn't invite me......I was even asked to drive the friend to the wedding and back, 45 min. each way, but not attend the wedding. And I picked her up and took her back to the airport. I honestly didn't mind the airport or housing her, we are good friends, she was even one of my bridesmaids, but the rest.....I still scratch my head.

Wow! That is a great story. You're a close enough friend to help us out but... Did the Bride's family ask you to house the pianist or did the pianist friend ask if she could stay with you? If it was the latter then maybe... but seriously, how could they think it was OK?

Weddings seem to make people lose their senses and sensibilities all in the name of, "it's my day!"

 

[DawnM]

Wow! That is a great story. You're a close enough friend to help us out but... Did the Bride's family ask you to house the pianist or did the pianist friend ask if she could stay with you? If it was the latter then maybe... but seriously, how could they think it was OK?

Weddings seem to make people lose their senses and sensibilities all in the name of, "it's my day!"

The bride's parents asked me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I honestly at that point just assumed I was invited.

 

[DawnM]

What..... you didn't take comfort in being number 501?

Not even sure I would have made that cut apparently! It was so odd. I had stayed in their home. I had been their other daughter's leader for some teen activities, and thought I had a general relationship with the family. I guess not.

 

[lambdabeta]

The bride's parents asked me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I honestly at that point just assumed I was invited.

That was just awful. You don't still talk to this family, do you? I feel bad for the poor pianist who was put in the middle. That is one terrible family IMO.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Once I was asked to house the pianist. She was a close friend of mine and had been for years. The bride to be was a friend's daughter. The pianist was invited but I wasn't. There were 500 guests and it was a huge, lavish affair. No way to get around that they just didn't invite me......I was even asked to drive the friend to the wedding and back, 45 min. each way, but not attend the wedding. And I picked her up and took her back to the airport. I honestly didn't mind the airport or housing her, we are good friends, she was even one of my bridesmaids, but the rest.....I still scratch my head.

When my cousin got married she forgot to invite the pianist to the rehearsal dinner. The pianist and her DH showed up at the same restaurant and ate at a separate table -- the bride's family got the message.

 

[mummabear]

Which it seems is what the hosts (aka bride's family) did, and then advised the groom's family of their equal number.

I disagree. It is the bride and grooms wedding-not the brides parents.
It is up to the bride and groom to decide what is important to them-a fancy wedding or the people they want there (and that includes control of the list). There is no such thing as I really wanted you there but.... it is just an excuse. If you really wanted someone there they would be invited.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thank you. I have honestly been in tears continuously since I found out.

First off HUGS!

And yes it is eye opening to know the truth.

So I will end with Maya Angelou's quote to save yourself future pain.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Nope, sorry, I would totally take this one personally. Oh, and I wouldn't be sending a nice gift...or any gift.

I would ghost them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I also wouldn’t send a gift. But i don’t send gifts for parties I’m not invited to or don’t attend.

That is true.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

See everyone is talking about it and drama is starting. Go to the source (groom) and just ask. The talking and drama is happening anyway.

YES, stop talking about it. That does far more damage. BTDT

 

[kaytieeldr]

To make matters worse they didn't invite 2 of my nephew's siblings for lame reasons and then told my sister she had to pay for a rehearsal brunch which includes all 24 people that will be there. Not just the bridal party.

It's customary to include out of town guests at the rehearsal dinner. It's also customary for the groom's family to host - pay for - the rehearsal dinner (my parents paid for 49 guests before my brother 's wedding. It's NOT customary to dictate where the dinner is held. She should have it somewhere she can afford, even if that's the Elks Hall. Or Pizza Hut.

I honestly didn't mind the airport or housing her, we are good friends, she was even one of my bridesmaids, but the rest.....I still scratch my head.

You never struck me as someone reluctant to speak up . Practice this, and repeat as needed (with no embellishment or explanation): "Thank you for asking, but I can't."

I disagree. It is the bride and grooms wedding-not the brides parents.

The bride is part of the bride's family, and the hosts - aka bride's family - set the number of invitees.

 

[AustinTink]

@AustinTink I can tell you about my family because as I read your posts it sounded like you were describing my family. I also have a sister who was a problem in our family. Everyone walked on egg shells around her. The reason I quoted the above is she does have a personality disorder and it is Narcissism. She is extremely manipulative. As long as no one challenged her everything was ok but if you disagreed with her you would feel her rage. I was the object of most of her anger because I didn't accept her bull. I tolerated her for my mother's sake because that is who she would take it out on when I made her mad. Now that my Mother is dead, my sister, brother and I don't speak to her anymore. There was a lot of drama while my Mom was sick and my brother and older sister learned what I already knew. She was unreasonable, manipulative and a liar. Unfortunately, she has two children. I am the godmother of her daughter. Because of their mother they go along with everything she says but they are only 18 now. I don't know how they will be when they are in their 30's like your nephew but it sounds like your sister has been manipulating him a long time. I understand what a lot of posters have said but I also understand what you are saying. It sounds from your comments that your relationship with your nephew was starting to go downhill before the wedding invitations. Take it from someone who knows from experience this may be the time to cut them out of your life. It sounds like you have to walk on eggshells for both your sister and your nephew and that is not worth it. It also sounds like you have plenty of other siblings you can be close to and continue to have relationships with. When we cut my younger sister out of our family our holiday gatherings became so much more pleasant and we became so much closer. I don't believe in forgive and forget unless both parties are doing the forgiving and forgetting. In our case it was always one sided. I for one don't need that. I'd rather forget it all together.

Now to the wedding. The reason I started to read this thread is because I am going through the same thing with my older sister's son's wedding. We were not invited to their destination wedding to Disney. I was hurt but I didn't get angry. My older sister told me they could only invite so many people and that was fine. My older sister and her other children got mad for me when she found out the bride's family was inviting 15 and the groom had 4 which includes my sister. To make matters worse they didn't invite 2 of my nephew's siblings for lame reasons and then told my sister she had to pay for a rehearsal brunch which includes all 24 people that will be there. Not just the bridal party. My sister does not have that kind of money. They are trying to work it out but she is angry and my other nieces and nephews are angry. So I totally understand all sides of your dilemma and I hope things work out but I wouldn't worry so much about having a relationship with your sister or nephew based on what you have revealed here. It doesn't sound like it is worth it. My life is so much better and happier without my younger sister and family in it. I hope my experience can help you.

I am glad your house is going to be ok. I hope you recover quickly from the flu. It sounds like you need a vacation.
I am sending you some pixie dust.

Thank you for the pixie dust and sharing your story. Our sisters sound very similar. At this point I have really let it all go, including her. I'm not going to seek her out or talk about her to anyone in the family. I'm just going to let it fade away.