Wedding invitation snub

[Nancyg56]

I have two in their 20's who have all their cousins on one side now married and lots of friends going, going and gone. The big joke is the more expensive the wedding the more likely it won't last. Most expensive cousin's wedding; marriage didn't last a year. The fun part was most the relatives weren't even told for another year but facebook don't lie. HAHA.

I am with you and told my kids what I was told. We will spend XXX dollars, anything more you will have to come up with. Told DD, we are not blowing a wad of our retirement for a "party". At this point both have expressed desire for small ~ and if I had to do it over again I wouldn't have had 250 people at ours ... most of which I have no idea where they are. And both kids only want to invite the relatives they are VERY close to, and I dread the day because there are some aunt/uncles they don't want to come ... mostly due to their behavior. I keep whispering "small destination wedding" in their ears while they sleep.

It's funny about FB. I knew there was trouble in paradise when my nephew's inlaws were treating their entire family to a Disney vacation. The Poly, DxDDP for every one of them. Fun, right? Well the weekend prior to their departure there was a gathering at my sisters house and my nephew came with his wife and kids, and I gave the boys their Disney Dollars that I have purchased for them. You could cut the tension with a knife! So I followed the pics on FB, and not one of my nephew! Okay....Mom, the boys, all of the extended family. No Brian.

For the next several months there were no pictures of the couple together so I figured it was getting bad. My sister told me she almost fell over when she was told they separated. Seriously? No you not pay attention to the pics on FB???? You can always tell.

I am Blessed because my three are all in stable loving marriages, and while I knwo that they all have had their challenges, so far so good! My DH and I always felt that if they could manage to get through the planning stages of their wedding respectfully they woudl have a chance to get through their lives together once the wedding was over and the marriage began. Compromise, respect, saving, budgets, timing and prioritizing, the how shebang is involved in wedding planning, just like in a marriage. My DH says it's getting their "pecking order" right. LOL!!! Farm Boy just cannot help himself!

 

[AustinTink]

This whole wedding thing makes me wonder what I have in store when my only child, my son, marries someday. I know he will want all his aunts, uncles and cousins there but what if the bride's family put restraints on him because of costs? Isn't it acceptable for the groom's family to split the bill with the bride's family?

 

[luvsJack]

This whole wedding thing makes me wonder what I have in store when my only child, my son, marries someday. I know he will want all his aunts, uncles and cousins there but what if the bride's family put restraints on him because of costs? Isn't it acceptable for the groom's family to split the bill with the bride's family?

At some weddings the groom’s parents pay for or spilt the cost of the reception. I would say that should give them some say. But the venue size dictates it some too. Honestly it should be up to the bride and groom equally imo.

Honestly, in a perfect world, numbers should be the first thing discussed by the couple and both sets of parents.

Dd is engaged but has awhile till the wedding. They are already planning and discussing. She has a large family and will invite all of them. He has a smaller family and many of them live a ways off, so may or may not attend so he will probably invite more non family than she does. But the venue they are thinking about will hold quite a bit more than the number they are thinking so it will be fine. Of course that could change.

 

[Pamlur]

This whole wedding thing makes me wonder what I have in store when my only child, my son, marries someday. I know he will want all his aunts, uncles and cousins there but what if the bride's family put restraints on him because of costs? Isn't it acceptable for the groom's family to split the bill with the bride's family?

I have known of instances where the groom's family took on a large part of the expenses because of 1)huge family and 2)better off financially, and wanted to help.

 

[Nancyg56]

I have known of instances where the groom's family took on a large part of the expenses because of 1)huge family and 2)better off financially, and wanted to help.

I think that there is no "norm" any more. We paid for my daughter's wedding. Her DH family did not offer to pitch in, however we would not have accepted any money. DD and DSIL had a small wedding of about 70 people, so they stayed well within the budget we had in mind. My youngest sone married next, and we paid for his wedding as well. My DDIL mom never offered to help, so DH and I took over roles that a brides parents generally do. They planned their wedding, I took DDIL wedding dress shopping and bought her gown as muy gift to her, gave them a traditional Jack and Jill, and then after they planned what they wanted, we paid for the wedding.

My oldest had shown no sign of marrying so we gave him his wedding money when he was buying a home He and my DDIL planned their wedding, and I have no idea if her parents paid for anything I felt it was not my business.

Most of our friends have contributed to their son's weddings.

 

[HopperFan]

I think that there is no "norm" any more.

THIS^

Back in the day the bridge and groom moved from their parents to their home together. It was simple, gifts were simple, weddings were even simple, rules were rules. Some still stand and some I think are important but ...

It's not that way anymore. Like I said we had a relative (the one that didn't last) spend tens of thousands of dollars, we had one that we all know the brides parents are now in debt over, we had one that was pot luck and we had one that simply said no - invited just parents and said maybe later they'll host a big BBQ. Money comes from bride's families, grooms families and the actual bride and groom because often they are older, or successful or already living on their own.

I think conversation HAS to happen way ahead of time as to what a parent is willing to contribute .... and then the bride/groom can decide what is most important to them ... go from there. No one, parents or bride & groom, should feel pressure to do anything they are not comfortable with. No one should go in to debt or feel a financial pinch. The whole thing is not about how much is spent.

I remember when I got married I TOTALLY UPSET the cart when I said I was walking down the aisle alone. It was horrifying for me who barely could get up in front of class for a report but it was very important to me. My Dad was not there to do it, and I wasn't going to replace him. Probably the hardest thing I ever did and my mother was not happy but anyone who was there and mattered, understood. My hope is even if I disagree with something my kid wants to do, I can find a way to be supportive.

In the end it's one day, and there will likely be glitches ...... it's the long run that matters.

This whole wedding thing makes me wonder what I have in store when my only child, my son, marries someday. I know he will want all his aunts, uncles and cousins there but what if the bride's family put restraints on him because of costs? Isn't it acceptable for the groom's family to split the bill with the bride's family?

That is something he has to work out with his bride when they discuss what kind of wedding they want. They then need to find out what the parents are willing to contribute. If their contribution will not cover the size the bride and groom want, they'll need to take on some of the cost themselves.

It is the Bride & Groom's day, they need to keep control of that.

 

[AustinTink]

That is something he has to work out with his bride when they discuss what kind of wedding they want. They then need to find out what the parents are willing to contribute. If their contribution will not cover the size the bride and groom want, they'll need to take on some of the cost themselves.

It is the Bride & Groom's day, they need to keep control of that.

We paid for our own wedding, so all of this is so foreign to me. My father had just passed away, we were in our mid-twenties and earning a good living, and I would not have dreamt to ask my mother for money at that point in my life. We never thought to ask my in-laws either. It wasn't a big, lavish occasion but we paid for it and that meant something to us. Maybe my son will feel the same way when he gets married.

 

[HopperFan]

We paid for our own wedding, so all of this is so foreign to me. My father had just passed away, we were in our mid-twenties and earning a good living, and I would not have dreamt to ask my mother for money at that point in my life. We never thought to ask my in-laws either. It wasn't a big, lavish occasion but we paid for it and that meant something to us. Maybe my son will feel the same way when he gets married.

Yes, I lost my Dad my senior year of high school and got married 4 years later. My Mom told me what she could contribute financially and for a year we planned while buying what we could each month to prepare. We paid for a good deal of ours and we did much of the work ourselves and were able to host a large wedding for buffet dinner and open bar. If I had to do over, it would be MUCH smaller, maybe fancier in a unique place, but I would still never spend more than I could afford to pay for.

I don't think you ever really know how it will turn out with a son because we don't know if their bride had those life long dreams she may bring to the planning. I hope that you can put this experience behind you, don't let it keep worrying you as it's nothing that you have in your control. It will only eat at you if you let it. You can only control how you feel and how you will handle it.

 

[AustinTink]

I hope that you can put this experience behind you, don't let it keep worrying you as it's nothing that you have in your control. It will only eat at you if you let it. You can only control how you feel and how you will handle it.

Thank you. I am honestly ok about the snub now. It has been one heck of a long week and so many other things have put it into perspective for me. I am going to let it go.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

This is one of the reasons i won’t be paying for weddings. I would flip my wig if i paid for my DDs wedding and she refused to invite aunts and uncles.

We also send invites even if we know that person lives far abd can’t make it. I’m doing it for my sons grad party. We will be sending invites to his great grandparents and a few great aunts and uncles in Miami even though they told us they can’t make it. Along with my aunt in Arizona and my SOs cousin in Texas. We want them to know they are invited even if they can’t make it.

 

[LSUmiss]

Yes, I lost my Dad my senior year of high school and got married 4 years later. My Mom told me what she could contribute financially and for a year we planned while buying what we could each month to prepare. We paid for a good deal of ours and we did much of the work ourselves and were able to host a large wedding for buffet dinner and open bar. If I had to do over, it would be MUCH smaller, maybe fancier in a unique place, but I would still never spend more than I could afford to pay for.

I don't think you ever really know how it will turn out with a son because we don't know if their bride had those life long dreams she may bring to the planning. I hope that you can put this experience behind you, don't let it keep worrying you as it's nothing that you have in your control. It will only eat at you if you let it. You can only control how you feel and how you will handle it.

Yeah I have a DS although he is still a young child. But, I resented my MIL overstepping her boundaries for DH & I’s wedding. DH & I agreed & that’s all that mattered. She would offer $ to get her way. But we didn’t want/need her $. I said I will not do that to DS if he gets married.

 

[Cubbiecakes]

This thread reminds me of why we eloped.

Also:

It is the Bride & Groom's day, they need to keep control of that.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *wheeze* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

It's the Bride's day. The groom is just a required guest.

 

[sk!mom]

This whole wedding thing makes me wonder what I have in store when my only child, my son, marries someday. I know he will want all his aunts, uncles and cousins there but what if the bride's family put restraints on him because of costs? Isn't it acceptable for the groom's family to split the bill with the bride's family?

I do not think that there is one "acceptable" way these days. Since many people wait to marry until they are older, they do not expect their parents to pay and often pay for it themselves. Still others, have parents who want to pay and it is split. Still others go the traditional route and the Bride's parents pay the most.

Probably the wisest way I've seen recently (IMO) was for my niece's wedding last year. She and the groom were both several years out of college and working. Her parents wanted to contribute but as adults the bride and groom knew what they wanted and were mostly planning on their own. My sis and BIL gifted them the amount that they felt that they could spend. The bride's mom did the same. The bride and groom then planned what they wanted.

DH and I plan to pay for DD's wedding but if she actually marries her BF of 4 years (an only child), I'm quite certain that his parents, will want to contribute.

 

[MamaBelle4]

You know, when we got married, I was 21, DH was 24 and I was pregnant (shh!)

My parents offered to contribute what they could, as did DH's parents. We declined their offers. We didn't want to be told who to invite or what to do. We had both sets of parents involved and helping where they wanted, but we put on our wedding for $3,000. And invited the closest 80 family and friends to us. He made his list, I made mine. His was longer initially (he had more cousins to invite), so I filled mine in with some close friends.

I can't imagine marrying someone, having their parents pay and tell me who I can and can't invite. It's my wedding! No one else (save DH) gets to decide who shares that day with us.

 

[dreamin_disney]

Right or wrong when it happened to me, it changed my view of our friendship.

same here and I wont go out of my way to get them a gift. I will just say congrats!

 

[luvsJack]

This is one of the reasons i won’t be paying for weddings. I would flip my wig if i paid for my DDs wedding and she refused to invite aunts and uncles.

We also send invites even if we know that person lives far abd can’t make it. I’m doing it for my sons grad party. We will be sending invites to his great grandparents and a few great aunts and uncles in Miami even though they told us they can’t make it. Along with my aunt in Arizona and my SOs cousin in Texas. We want them to know they are invited even if they can’t make it.

But would she refuse?

I mean all is still way up in the air but I won’t have to tell or even suggest to dd who she invites and I know that she will invite all of her family. It’s just the way she is.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

But would she refuse?

I mean all is still way up in the air but I won’t have to tell or even suggest to dd who she invites and I know that she will invite all of her family. It’s just the way she is.

I highly doubt it. I offered DD a trip to Europe instead of a quinceanera and she refused saying she wants everyone to party with her. But people have been known to lose their minds when they get married.

 

[jerseygal]

Maybe the sister was in charge of mailing the invitations and pulled some out. The nephew might not even know you've been left out.

IF your sister removed some invitations from the invitations intended to be mailed, she is a "sick person" and I would definitely keep my distance from her in the future. That would be EVIL! No mother of the groom has the right to pull invitations out of intended ones to be mailed out, lets hope she did not. I believe in open communication; I would simply take the "guess work" out of the lack of invite and have a civilized conversation with the groom to be, nephew. What is the worst that you can hear at this point? Best of luck with all of this; I can imagine that this is extremely sad for you.

 

[gotomu212]

I do not think that there is one "acceptable" way these days. Since many people wait to marry until they are older, they do not expect their parents to pay and often pay for it themselves. Still others, have parents who want to pay and it is split. Still others go the traditional route and the Bride's parents pay the most.

Probably the wisest way I've seen recently (IMO) was for my niece's wedding last year. She and the groom were both several years out of college and working. Her parents wanted to contribute but as adults the bride and groom knew what they wanted and were mostly planning on their own. My sis and BIL gifted them the amount that they felt that they could spend. The bride's mom did the same. The bride and groom then planned what they wanted.

DH and I plan to pay for DD's wedding but if she actually marries her BF of 4 years (an only child), I'm quite certain that his parents, will want to contribute.

I really like this approach. My parents and my husband’s parents gifted us money that we could use for the wedding, honeymoon, or a house however we chose. They then didn’t provide any input on our wedding or house plans (other than saying oh that looks nice).

From my viewpoint the wedding is the first step in a life long partnership between the bride and groom. This is the point where they should step up and make decisions together as adults. I don’t like the idea that either persons family tries to dictate the terms.

 

[sk!mom]

I really like this approach. My parents and my husband’s parents gifted us money that we could use for the wedding, honeymoon, or a house however we chose. They then didn’t provide any input on our wedding or house plans (other than saying oh that looks nice).

From my viewpoint the wedding is the first step in a life long partnership between the bride and groom. This is the point where they should step up and make decisions together as adults. I don’t like the idea that either persons family tries to dictate the terms.

Agree. I felt like it was the best approach since (as this thread illustrates) weddings are fraught with tension. In my personal experience, moms (of the bride or groom), have become too personally invested in what they wanted the wedding to be and then have used “i’m Paying” as a weapon. It just seemed much calmer to gift the money and then let the couple make the decisions.

I certainly don’t think anyone has an obligation though.

And honestly when I say that DH and I plan to pay when DD21 marries, that isn’t entirely true. We are willing to gift an amount that we think would be enough for a reasonable wedding with a full dinner with bar reception. If DD were to plan something extravagant, our money would be a contribution to her wedding. We would not pay more than we felt comfortable with.