Ugh the terrible 20s

[Pea-n-Me]

That’s great. Dd22 has her masters in accounting, passed the first CPA (had a very hard time getting the first one scheduled), has accepted a great job offer but decided to start after she finishes all exams. She has about $80,000 in student loans, totaled 2 cars in a year, became my dad’s caregiver (Alzheimer’s) from May to December (moving out of her apartment and 6 roommates to her childhood town). She was the one who found him face down in the dining room after his heart attack. He passed away.

She now has anxiety being in a house alone. She sort of moved back here, but will stay at my dad’s if ds20 (home on break) or a friend stays with her at night, but will study here or at Starbucks during the day. She grew up in a family of 7, living in the dorms at a huge college for 2 years, lived with 3 roommates the next year, 6 the following year. She drives 45 minutes away almost every night to see her friends who live by her college. She can’t afford to move back there until she starts working (even with s lot of roommates rent is over $500, plus her loans).

She is definitely stressed out.

Aww, that is so sad that she was the one who found your dad that way! The poor thing. I hope she can see how much her help must've meant to him, even though he was in a declining state of health. It's admirable that she went to live with him in order to be his caregiver. Truly. Give this to her for me.

My DD21 is working in a similar way with my mother, who lives with us (and DD commutes to college). She helps with whatever she needs help with, often cleaning or put groceries away; she helps her shower and takes her to appointments, etc. My mom broke her hip recently and DD has stepped it up, watching her in the hospital after surgery when the opiates made her confused, and coming to care meetings with me at the rehab. This week she actually met with the physical therapist on her own, as I was sick, and yesterday made some signs for Mom's room to communicate some things that needed better consistency with staff. I'm proud of her, and I know Mom is, too. Mom's face lights up when she sees her, but more importantly, I know Mom feels safe when she's there.

 

[Southernmiss]

Wow. My 22 year old has a bachelors and masters degree, has passed his cpa exam, has a full time job with a large accounting firm and his own apartment in the city. We only pay his car insurance. He could pay it, but we have decided to not make him “adult” all at once.

He has made his own path and doesn’t rely on us for day to day decisions. Really, once he left for college, he made his own decisions. We have always let him know that we are here if he needs us, but encourage him to be self-reliant.

Our 24 year old has his Master's, works and lives in a big city, is married, is one test away from his CPA and pays ALL his own bills and his wife's. They are fully on their own and killing it.

We raised all of our kids to be self reliant. Just because oldest and his wife are doing well, doesn't guarantee that our other 3 will have an easy time.

Dh and I feel very lucky that things have turned out great for him. But we are definitely not patting ourselves on the back as great parents and saying that anyone, parent or kid can do it if they do it this way.

I've said it before, there's a lot of luck in life people don't realize they have.

Our 21 year old son also raised just as his brother was has a different personality and has faced different challenges than oldest son. He is dealing with a medical situation. And will require our help to guide him through that for the foreseeable future. He is also in his fourth year of a pharmd program which will require seven years of schooling. This path will be very different than our oldest son's accounting path. It will require our support until he obtains his degree and job after 7 years of school. Our pharmacist son has the promise to double what his brother is making in accounting immediately after school. But will have school loans that his brother doesn't have.

Our third son a 20 year old is in the same Flagship college as number two. He is also in the pharmd program. But is strongly wanting to move to Medical. This kid is one of our most anxious. And requires more reassurance than the others. And I'm sure his path will require a different set of parenting than even his other brothers. And more years of school and loans than his brother's.

All of our kids have worked since age 12 and handle their school problems from high school and beyond.

Giving them guidance and advice is our job as parents and we are trying to work ourselves out of a job. But are honored to have been given the kids and opportunity to mold them the best we can as long as they reach out to us.

Our way is not the only or best way or easiest to parent. It's not a competition. We all want to raise responsible, self supporting, genuinely good adults

 

[mjkacmom]

Aww, that is so sad that she was the one who found your dad that way! The poor thing. I hope she can see how much her help must've meant to him, even though he was in a declining state of health. It's admirable that she went to live with him in order to be his caregiver. Truly. Give this to her for me.

My DD21 is working in a similar way with my mother, who lives with us (and DD commutes to college). She helps with whatever she needs help with, often cleaning or put groceries away; she helps her shower and takes her to appointments, etc. My mom broke her hip recently and DD has stepped it up, watching her in the hospital after surgery when the opiates made her confused, and coming to care meetings with me at the rehab. This week she actually met with the physical therapist on her own, as I was sick, and yesterday made some signs for Mom's room to communicate some things that needed better consistency with staff. I'm proud of her, and I know Mom is, too. Mom's face lights up when she sees her, but more importantly, I know Mom feels safe when she's there.

Your daughter sounds like a wonderful young woman. Your mom is blessed.

 

[wvjules]

To those that have fully independent, no opinion or advice needed from parents 20-somethings, yay you. DD is 23. Lives on her own. And has a DS. So I'm not talking day to day parenting stuff. She fails at things. She doesn't always make the best decisions. And she comes to me for advice. Sometimes I know how to handle things. Sometimes I do not. Things with her are complicated right now which is what prompted the post. Life is not all perfect for her and I'm helping her as best as I can, whether that is providing a lot of guidance or none at all.

Heck, as a 46 year old...I still need parenting occasionally. I'm not sure what I'd do without the advice and guidance of my mom sometimes.

So to those of you with perfect kids...Cheers! You are better than the rest of us.

 

[soccerdad72]

To those that have fully independent, no opinion or advice needed from parents 20-somethings, yay you. DD is 23. Lives on her own. And has a DS. So I'm not talking day to day parenting stuff. She fails at things. She doesn't always make the best decisions. And she comes to me for advice. Sometimes I know how to handle things. Sometimes I do not. Things with her are complicated right now which is what prompted the post. Life is not all perfect for her and I'm helping her as best as I can, whether that is providing a lot of guidance or none at all.

Heck, as a 46 year old...I still need parenting occasionally. I'm not sure what I'd do without the advice and guidance of my mom sometimes.

So to those of you with perfect kids...Cheers! You are better than the rest of us.

Hang in there - my oldest is 'only' 18, but I still understand what you're dealing with.

As far as the perfect parents - c'mon, you had to know that was coming!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Lest anyone think it's all sunshine and roses here, this is timely in that I just had an argument with DS21 who is still home on break. He is planning for his girlfriend's bday this weekend to travel four hours up into the mountains in the middle of a predicted rain, snow and ice storm, to attend an event. He just gave me the old, "I'm 21, I can do what I want" line. True, but the problem is, he'll be in our car, under our insurance, and it's had a lot of mechanical problems lately. I also know someone who had a fatal accident under similar circumstances in the same area, so I think it's dumb and dangerous. Sigh. It was a lot easier when we could just say No. I mean, technically we can, as far as using our car goes (though her car is worse than his). But I was hoping he'd just see that it's not a good idea this particular weekend due to the weather and plan to do something else more local. We'll see what he decides as he has time to think about it today. He often makes pretty good decisions but I'm sure he doesn't want to disappoint. I think his girlfriend is the type of person who will understand, though (and her parents probably have similar concerns if they know), but we shall see. Fun times.

 

[mom2rtk]

To those that have fully independent, no opinion or advice needed from parents 20-somethings, yay you. DD is 23. Lives on her own. And has a DS. So I'm not talking day to day parenting stuff. She fails at things. She doesn't always make the best decisions. And she comes to me for advice. Sometimes I know how to handle things. Sometimes I do not. Things with her are complicated right now which is what prompted the post. Life is not all perfect for her and I'm helping her as best as I can, whether that is providing a lot of guidance or none at all.

Heck, as a 46 year old...I still need parenting occasionally. I'm not sure what I'd do without the advice and guidance of my mom sometimes.

So to those of you with perfect kids...Cheers! You are better than the rest of us.

I'm considering telling my mom I want to move back in so I can spend all my money on Disney trips!

Hang in there. The best part is that this seems to come in waves. Hopefully she'll hit a smooth patch soon.

 

[morgan98]

To those that have fully independent, no opinion or advice needed from parents 20-somethings, yay you. DD is 23. Lives on her own. And has a DS. So I'm not talking day to day parenting stuff. She fails at things. She doesn't always make the best decisions. And she comes to me for advice. Sometimes I know how to handle things. Sometimes I do not. Things with her are complicated right now which is what prompted the post. Life is not all perfect for her and I'm helping her as best as I can, whether that is providing a lot of guidance or none at all.

Heck, as a 46 year old...I still need parenting occasionally. I'm not sure what I'd do without the advice and guidance of my mom sometimes.

So to those of you with perfect kids...Cheers! You are better than the rest of us.

Sorry to hear about your daughter's rough patch. My mom always says you never stop parenting your children. I am, by all accounts, a fairly successful 48 year old and I still need my mom at times...for advice, a shoulder to cry on, etc.

As people get older, often the struggles become harder in different ways than when they were children.

 

[deserrai]

I wouldn't call what I do with my DD24 parenting as much as worrying and giving advice when asked for it. It is not parenting like it was when she was younger, but it is definitely still stressful. And I worry because I can't fix it if she makes a bad choice; I can only help her get through it. I was told many times I would worry about my children forever, but never really believed it until I got there myself.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Is it worse than 12 year olds? Is there no light at the end of the tunnel???

 

[Southernmiss]

As a college professor I really wish there was less parenting happening for kids in the 18-22 range. I've been a professor for a long time now (almost 20 years) and when I started, I felt students were relatively independent - they could register for classes on their own, solve their own problems, address issues, etc.

About 5-7 years ago my fellow faculty and I started noticing a change - first it started with the calls from parents, then the requests from parents to sit in on advising sessions, then requests from parents to meet with us. Students come to me with lists of classes written by their moms or dads, or drop classes (that they really need for their major) because a parent told them to do so. Instead of working to solve their own problems, kids will call their mom or dad for advice or help. Students make all kinds of career decisions that aren't what they truly want to do because a parent wants them to, then burn out halfway through their degree. Anxiety is so, so high with these students.

Personally, I left home at 18 to attend college, came home the first summer after that and worked full-time to make money, and was essentially an "adult" after that. With my own children, I'm really working to let them exert independence as early as middle school - my sons try, and fail, and try again. I'm teaching them as many life skills as I can now, so that I can back off when they go to college.

And seeing it as a professional looking in on parenting is different than actually being the parent.

Just wait (I remember my mom's older sister telling her that about parenting--cousins were 5 years older than us) until you are the parent of the 20 something. Life is very different from here than when we were parents of younger kids or when we were the 20 somethings.

DH and I married at 21 and aside from living in a trailer owned by DH's parents for the first year, we were fully on our own. After the first year we saved up and moved out into our first purchased home. Don't see my kids being able to purchase a home at 22... Life is is different for today's kids.

 

[Southernmiss]

Is it worse than 12 year olds? Is there no light at the end of the tunnel???

Big difference. When they are little they have little problems. When they are big, they have big problems.

It's not the "in the trenches" parenting anymore. But it is more stressful.

 

[wvjules]

I wouldn't call what I do with my DD24 parenting as much as worrying and giving advice when asked for it. It is not parenting like it was when she was younger, but it is definitely still stressful. And I worry because I can't fix it if she makes a bad choice; I can only help her get through it. I was told many times I would worry about my children forever, but never really believed it until I got there myself.

This 100x!!!!!!

 

[SC Minnie]

It's not parenting in the literal since. DD is 24, works full time, and

To those that have fully independent, no opinion or advice needed from parents 20-somethings, yay you. DD is 23. Lives on her own. And has a DS. So I'm not talking day to day parenting stuff. She fails at things. She doesn't always make the best decisions. And she comes to me for advice. Sometimes I know how to handle things. Sometimes I do not. Things with her are complicated right now which is what prompted the post. Life is not all perfect for her and I'm helping her as best as I can, whether that is providing a lot of guidance or none at all.

Heck, as a 46 year old...I still need parenting occasionally. I'm not sure what I'd do without the advice and guidance of my mom sometimes.

So to those of you with perfect kids...Cheers! You are better than the rest of us.

I'm right there with you. DD24 is on her own working full time but she still asks us for advice. Sometime she takes it and sometimes she doesn't. It's hard sitting back and watching your children make a decision that you know is not going to have a good outcome. In the middle of that right now. It's hard letting them learn from their mistakes.

 

[barkley]

As a college professor I really wish there was less parenting happening for kids in the 18-22 range. I've been a professor for a long time now (almost 20 years) and when I started, I felt students were relatively independent - they could register for classes on their own, solve their own problems, address issues, etc.

About 5-7 years ago my fellow faculty and I started noticing a change - first it started with the calls from parents, then the requests from parents to sit in on advising sessions, then requests from parents to meet with us. Students come to me with lists of classes written by their moms or dads, or drop classes (that they really need for their major) because a parent told them to do so. Instead of working to solve their own problems, kids will call their mom or dad for advice or help. Students make all kinds of career decisions that aren't what they truly want to do because a parent wants them to, then burn out halfway through their degree. Anxiety is so, so high with these students.

Personally, I left home at 18 to attend college, came home the first summer after that and worked full-time to make money, and was essentially an "adult" after that. With my own children, I'm really working to let them exert independence as early as middle school - my sons try, and fail, and try again. I'm teaching them as many life skills as I can now, so that I can back off when they go to college.

i have to ask-are the colleges to some extent asking for this/encouraging this?

i ask b/c i can't believe all the communications dd's former university sent the parents of students the entire time she attended (graduated this past june). when i went to college back in the stone age (late 70's and on) i took care of everything on my own and i don't recall my mom ever getting any communications. flash forward to when dd starts attending in 2013 and while i knew there was an optional parent's orientation i didn't realize it was going to an introductory overview to 'how you are an essential part of your child's college team'. several hours later dh and i walk out of our session and we've been 'schooled' on the who/what/when/where/why of college costs/advising/academic timelines/services...then the mass e-mails start. we get the timeline ones on what WE/THE PARENTS should have accomplished 'for your student' at different points in the summer prior to attendance, the 'reminder' emails about registration, forms that need to be done, important upcoming dates. these continue through the years and then it's all the graduation information-again, with parent 'to do' lists.

i would check w/dd to see if she was doing the stuff on these lists, some she knew to/some she didn't-but the university wasn't sending the same information to the students, it was like they PLANNED on parents taking care of certain aspects and disseminating vital information to the students.

it was an entirely different experience than dh and i anticipated for dd and not one that i planned on/wanted to have to have so much personal hands on involvement with but it certainly seemed to be set up that way.

 

[mjkacmom]

i have to ask-are the colleges to some extent asking for this/encouraging this?

i ask b/c i can't believe all the communications dd's former university sent the parents of students the entire time she attended (graduated this past june). when i went to college back in the stone age (late 70's and on) i took care of everything on my own and i don't recall my mom ever getting any communications. flash forward to when dd starts attending in 2013 and while i knew there was an optional parent's orientation i didn't realize it was going to an introductory overview to 'how you are an essential part of your child's college team'. several hours later dh and i walk out of our session and we've been 'schooled' on the who/what/when/where/why of college costs/advising/academic timelines/services...then the mass e-mails start. we get the timeline ones on what WE/THE PARENTS should have accomplished 'for your student' at different points in the summer prior to attendance, the 'reminder' emails about registration, forms that need to be done, important upcoming dates. these continue through the years and then it's all the graduation information-again, with parent 'to do' lists.

i would check w/dd to see if she was doing the stuff on these lists, some she knew to/some she didn't-but the university wasn't sending the same information to the students, it was like they PLANNED on parents taking care of certain aspects and disseminating vital information to the students.

it was an entirely different experience than dh and i anticipated for dd and not one that i planned on/wanted to have to have so much personal hands on involvement with but it certainly seemed to be set up that way.

I don’t get anything from dd22 and ds20’s universities, except I think graduation information (Dd graduated from a huge school with 2 separate ceremonies for her program and class). I get most information by following the Twitter feeds. I am getting emails from the colleges dd17 is accepted at.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

both of mine are in their 20's and while it's challenging at times i much prefer it to when my late mom got to the stage in life where i had to 'parent my parent'. with my 20 somethings i see them taking on more personal responsibilities and learning from/becoming more capable with each positive and negative experience. when the time arrives that one has to parent their own parent, well...it's not seeing someone blossom, more like slowly seeing petals fall....

My mom is at this point with my grandmother.

The last couple of years she just calls me and has a 30min rant, swears up and down she'll never be that way and if she is I have full permission to lay it on her lol and so many things. She called me yesterday discussing how my grandmother is acting because my uncle (her son) is in the hospital and no one ever does anything for her and yada yada yada.

My grandmother is at the bitter stage with her kids but as a grandkid I've not experienced it. My grandmother's mental facilties is mostly intact but she does have issues every now and then. Most recently she pressed a button on accident on her answering machine which caused people to not be able to leave messages. She constantly breaks her hearing aids too.

There's not a whole lot I can personally do to ease the stress off of my mom other than just let her rant it out and be her sounding board but honestly? Internally I hate seeing my grandmother like this.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

As a college professor I really wish there was less parenting happening for kids in the 18-22 range. I've been a professor for a long time now (almost 20 years) and when I started, I felt students were relatively independent - they could register for classes on their own, solve their own problems, address issues, etc.

About 5-7 years ago my fellow faculty and I started noticing a change - first it started with the calls from parents, then the requests from parents to sit in on advising sessions, then requests from parents to meet with us. Students come to me with lists of classes written by their moms or dads, or drop classes (that they really need for their major) because a parent told them to do so. Instead of working to solve their own problems, kids will call their mom or dad for advice or help. Students make all kinds of career decisions that aren't what they truly want to do because a parent wants them to, then burn out halfway through their degree. Anxiety is so, so high with these students.

Personally, I left home at 18 to attend college, came home the first summer after that and worked full-time to make money, and was essentially an "adult" after that. With my own children, I'm really working to let them exert independence as early as middle school - my sons try, and fail, and try again. I'm teaching them as many life skills as I can now, so that I can back off when they go to college.

I think it was at the Welcome/Decision Day (or whatever it's called) that we parents had to sit in an auditorium (that I once learned in myself) to watch a video about "letting go". It came right after a parental lecture given by leaders in DD's major (which was also mine there years back) which was to the point of being offensive. They had us close our eyes and "meditate" while they talked down to us, basically, but the best part came at the end when we were instructed after we opened our eyes to "Raise your hand if you're a helicopter parent". One poor lady raised her hand while the rest of us looked around like wth. I was pretty disappointed that my beloved college would do such a thing.

But whatever. I get it. I was also out on my own at 18 and completely saw my my own way through school and life, etc., and I've tried to raise my kids to be independent, too (as well as good people, more importantly). But I can certainly understand why some parents may want to help oversee things when they're forking over $20K per semester (or $30 or $5K per semester, whatever) and few seem to really care what happens individually with students and it's easy for them to fall through the cracks. Granted, every school is different, but this can be something that people are unaware of until they're committed. It's not that I totally disagree with the message, I just think there are better ways to go about delivering it. It left a really bad taste in my mouth.

It will be interesting to see how it is for you as a parent when your kids get to college.

 

[wenrob]

I have no doubt a lot of that goes on.

But sometimes people complaining about how hard parenting is at this age are the very ones letting go and letting the kids make mistakes.

Exactly.

My 22 year old has been “adulting” since she started high school. She works full time, pays her own bills including tuition, buys her own necessities, has her Associates and will have her Bachelors in the Fall. She busts her butt and makes her own decisions. But...sometimes she still needs her mom.

Parenting an adult is hard because you walk that fine line of wanting to do for them and letting go so they can do it on their own. You have to learn to step back and keep your mouth shut even when you know they’re going to crash and burn. It’s stopping yourself from inserting yourself into a situation and being there when asked.

I don’t think you ever stop parenting. My dad never did. I never hesitated to ask his advice even long after having a family and life of my own.

 

[mousefan73]

Adult parenting is hard!

That is all.

Tip number one. Move out of your parents house.

Tip 2 call them every once in a while to let you know you are alive.
Tip number three have fun but don’t do anything too stupid


I loved my 20s. But my parents did not know too many details of my life. I had great fun living the city life. It was like Friends.

The best thing my mother and I did to maintain our relationship was she let me go. I am now middle-aged, with own kids, and I’m very close to her. She even lives with us some nights of the week.

We would have killed each other had I still lived with my mother after college. She would have been so judgemental and it just simply would have ruined our relationship.