Ugh the terrible 20s

[Disneybuckeye]

Don’t worry-for many 20 somethings it’s a rewarding time where they find their place-career wise, a partner, a child. As a parent one of my greatest joys is seeing how my daughter turned out to be such a good person. I’m so proud of her!

We are the same. I am having the time of my life with our 20 something kids. They are costing us a fortune as I keep inviting them to go on vacation with us (London, Breckenridge, Disney World, Disneyland last year and so far Siesta Key and Disney World this year) and I tend to cover everything but their airfare. While DH and I go many places by ourselves I love being out and about with them.

They come to our lake home most summer weekends with their friends and we tailgate before OSU games with them and their friends. We think it keeps us young. They all have good jobs and make decent salaries. Of course there are things we have to deal with, but the good far out weighs the bad and I am also so proud of them all.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm very lucky I guess after reading this, we never had any major problems. We made it very clear from an early age that they would become educated and that it would be paid for as long as they were on the right track, that there would be no laziness and laying around. They listened I guess. We gave a good example and thankfully it worked out.

Your kids are very lucky to have had their education fully funded, not everyone has that advantage. My young adults worked their butts off academically and finished a semester early (to save money), plus worked part time to pay room and board. When you have to pay for college, there is really no laying around, and it’s stressful.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I don't recall being parented in my 20s.
Any issues I had with boyfriends, jobs, etc I vented/go advice from my friends.

Maybe I would phone up my mom on the odd occasion to ask a rare kitchen question. My Dad came looking at a few houses with us when we bought our first one.
But besides that I don't recall them parenting us. Plan to do the same with my own kids.

Al my university paperwork and stuff was done by me. I doubt my parents even knew what I was taking most of the time.

 

[skyblue17]

I think what I most value from my early 20s was the ability to be independent. I was pretty shy before college, and a bit of a homebody. It was when I moved away from home for school that I learned how to become more of an individual. I'm grateful that my parents were supportive of my choice to go a school that was close enough to home to visit but not be able to lean on going back whenever I was struggling. I am grateful that they didn't balk at my moving to NYC a week after graduation with no real job lined up and a tiny apartment to sleep in and keep my things. And I'm grateful that they helped me financially when I was in college so that I could be financially independent as quickly as possible. It may not be as much of an "active" type of parenting in those years, but just stepping back and allowing your kids to grow, succeed, fail and learn lessons on their own, with some support and advice but not too much pressure, is important too.

 

[dish rag]

Your kids are very lucky to have had their education fully funded, not everyone has that advantage. My young adults worked their butts off academically and finished a semester early (to save money), plus worked part time to pay room and board. When you have to pay for college, there is really no laying around, and it’s stressful.

Sounds like you did a good job!

 

[slpeters]

I don't have kids so I guess I shouldn't comment, but...

I always sort of wonder whether it was parents that changed or kids or something else. I moved across the country to go to college. My parents never even saw the city I went to college in until they came for graduation. After graduation I spent a year backpacking through India on a travel fellowship. Then I went to grad school--different city, this time only half way across the country. My parents still only ever saw it once. I would visit them a couple times a year and we would talk on the phone for an hour or so every week or two. And from time to time we would travel together--my parents were amazing to travel with. I always appreciated how much they seemed to value my independence. My life was so different from theirs and yet they seemed to value that as well. They found it exciting that I had gone off and forged this totally different life. They loved to hear all my wild adventures and, truth be told, I think my Mother in particular sort of lived a bit vicariously through me.

When I think of advice my parents gave me in my twenties, I mainly think of cooking. I was forever calling to figure out how my Mom made some particular thing, or because I was making a recipe and realized I didn't have one of the ingredients and could she think of anything I could use instead. But I guess I always knew that if things really blew up they'd be there to pick up the pieces. Luckily, it never did. I always felt fortunate to have that sort of implied safety net, even though I never actually used it. I remember a friend of mine hit a real rough patch, got fired at work simultaneous with some medical problems. We were all living so close to the edge and it was just too much. It looked like he was going to be evicted from his crappy studio garden apartment he was so proud of. My friends and I all pooled our pennies despite not really having anything ourselves and came up with almost enough to stave off disaster for him. Almost enough. His parents had cut him off when he came out. They wouldn't even talk to him, so he didn't have that option. So I called my parents and I asked them if I could borrow a bit of cash to give to this friend. I remember my Mother asked if he had called his own parents. When I explained why that wasn't going to work, my Mother paused for a long time and then said: "I really don't think it's a good idea to lend to your children. But I'll give you the money to give to your friend. I'm going to tack on a little extra--please buy him some proper groceries."

My parents hardly ever gave me any advise once I left home, but I still learned so much from them...

 

[Colleen27]

The advisers who are the gateway yet don't have a clue about direction is apparently a plague upon higher education in America these days. Both of my daughters have been through it across 3 college and university settings, my husband banged his head against that wall at yet another university to obtain his masters and casual discussion of that subject in several social situations indicates to me that the same is happening with a wide range of college students at an awful lot of institutions around the country. Our younger DD had to resort to involving the ombudsman at her university when she either received word back that various professors across two departments were on sabbatical and therefore unable to meet with her or simply refused to respond to emails or voicemails for several weeks.

I wondered if that had become the case. I was fortunate in that my recent college experiences were very much no-advising-required, partly because I was an adult with an associates and a knack for research when I went back and partly because I went into a very small program (<100 students in the major) within a very large university (>20,000 students overall) and the department students and faculty are so close-knit that there's really no need to turn to the university's official resources for planning help.

I've been appalled at the lack of guidance my son has encountered so far, but I've kind of been rationalizing it as "It is just a community college, they probably assume their students are either capable adults or kids living at home with parents to fill the gap." and hoping that DD will have a different experience at university.

 

[cabanafrau]

I wondered if that had become the case. I was fortunate in that my recent college experiences were very much no-advising-required, partly because I was an adult with an associates and a knack for research when I went back and partly because I went into a very small program (<100 students in the major) within a very large university (>20,000 students overall) and the department students and faculty are so close-knit that there's really no need to turn to the university's official resources for planning help.

I've been appalled at the lack of guidance my son has encountered so far, but I've kind of been rationalizing it as "It is just a community college, they probably assume their students are either capable adults or kids living at home with parents to fill the gap." and hoping that DD will have a different experience at university.

I absolutely hope your DD has a better experience. Based on the experiences of both of my daughters, my husband, friends of my daughters and children of various friends I say tell her to stay on top of it consistently and be incredibly persistent about documenting everything all the way through.

 

[mousefan73]

Just got this text from my mom. I’m 45.

 

[runwad]

^ Did you know that @mousefan73??

I don't think it's bad for parents to give advice to their grown kids. They have way more life experiences and are far wiser than younger people. I wish I still had my parents to give me advice.

My DH's parents never gave us any advice, they figured we were adults and could make our own decisions, but I would've welcomed someone older and wiser guiding us in life's decisions, but it wasn't how they rolled.

 

[PollyannaMom]

...So I called my parents and I asked them if I could borrow a bit of cash to give to this friend. I remember my Mother asked if he had called his own parents. When I explained why that wasn't going to work, my Mother paused for a long time and then said: "I really don't think it's a good idea to lend to your children. But I'll give you the money to give to your friend. I'm going to tack on a little extra--please buy him some proper groceries."

I love your mom!

 

[Toolulu22]

When I was 21, I moved halfway across the country from where my parents live. Money was tight, we survived on eating a lot of potatoes, and didn’t have much extra at the end of the week. But, I learned how to manage a budget, cook and take care of a house with a yard, and made friends with other young couples. Best of all, we had our FREEDOM. I remember loving being on my own, not having to explain anything to my parents, and being able to make my own mistakes/learn lessons without anyone standing over me to judge. I love the memories I have of my early twenties. Was it a struggle? Yes! Would I go back and change it if I could? Never! I have some family members living at home with their parents at 25 and 30 and feel sorry for them for the things in life they are missing out on sitting in their childhood bedrooms for so long. They keep talking about things they want to do, and I tell them that you just have to go do it. Make it work. Life is passing you by.

 

[LSUmiss]

As a college professor I really wish there was less parenting happening for kids in the 18-22 range. I've been a professor for a long time now (almost 20 years) and when I started, I felt students were relatively independent - they could register for classes on their own, solve their own problems, address issues, etc.

About 5-7 years ago my fellow faculty and I started noticing a change - first it started with the calls from parents, then the requests from parents to sit in on advising sessions, then requests from parents to meet with us. Students come to me with lists of classes written by their moms or dads, or drop classes (that they really need for their major) because a parent told them to do so. Instead of working to solve their own problems, kids will call their mom or dad for advice or help. Students make all kinds of career decisions that aren't what they truly want to do because a parent wants them to, then burn out halfway through their degree. Anxiety is so, so high with these students.

Personally, I left home at 18 to attend college, came home the first summer after that and worked full-time to make money, and was essentially an "adult" after that. With my own children, I'm really working to let them exert independence as early as middle school - my sons try, and fail, and try again. I'm teaching them as many life skills as I can now, so that I can back off when they go to college.

Oh my goodness. That’s not surprising but is disturbing. My nephew’s wife’s mom wanted to call the professor when she got a bad grade when they were in college a few years ago. I thought it was the funniest & most absurd thing that I’d ever heard! I thought it was just her but reading this I now think it’s a trend! I think we should either let that age be more independent OR change the legal age so that they’re not legally adults anyway. I personally actually prefer the latter.

 

[LSUmiss]

I work at a college and see a lot of what you see too. But those parents aren’t parenting. They are hovering. Big difference.

Parenting at these ages is letting them make their own decisions and mistakes but being there it advise or help when needed. The hard part is standing back and letting them beat their own head.

Perfectly put. And, this is what my dad did for us.

 

[LSUmiss]

And seeing it as a professional looking in on parenting is different than actually being the parent.

Just wait (I remember my mom's older sister telling her that about parenting--cousins were 5 years older than us) until you are the parent of the 20 something. Life is very different from here than when we were parents of younger kids or when we were the 20 somethings.

DH and I married at 21 and aside from living in a trailer owned by DH's parents for the first year, we were fully on our own. After the first year we saved up and moved out into our first purchased home. Don't see my kids being able to purchase a home at 22... Life is is different for today's kids.

Sorry, but I think it’s different for today’s kids b/c of today’s parents. Admittedly I’m not there, but I’m hopeful I can do what needs to be when the time comes.

 

[disykat]

I don't think you ever stop being a parent or a child. (I'm at the stage of taking care of my parents now and I think they still feel like they are my parents and worry about me accordingly.)

When the day to day parenting stops, the feelings still continue. I admit to having my feelings pretty hurt over the last few years at times over holidays, wedding planning, etc. Talking with other parents of 20 somethings, it seems to be common. There's an art to letting go - especially when they still need emotional, physical and/or financial support at times. Yesterday, I drove an hour and a half each way to retrieve and store furniture for my 26 year old "child" who is moving to a smaller place. We're in the middle of wedding planning with one son and have another son spending weekends at our house for the next few months due to a weird work situation.

I'm no longer setting curfews or planning out their nutritional needs, but as a supportive family member I'm still "parenting." I left home at 17 and never lived there again, but I still called my parents for advice etc. on occasion until the day dementia set in and took away their capability of giving it.