Ugh the terrible 20s

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

hey, Mackenzie, I am thinking that the one post was directed at me, but I just want to be clear that my comment was directed at another poster.

Anyhow, to everyone here... Parenting is the toughest job... no one single 'right' way in every case!

My apologies on that I misinterpreted your comment

 

[Planogirl]

I don't really see it as actual parenting in every case. I remember being inclined to get advice from my Dad and also others that I saw as wise about things. I think that it really depends on the family dynamics.

As for college communication, my parents let me handle all of it. I also let DS do the same maybe because that is what I was used to. I never got much in the way of mail from his college.

 

[Wendy31]

Our DD turned 19 earlier this month & our older son will be 18 this summer, so we are just reaching the "parenting the 20s" stage.

I could be biased, but they are both really good, decent kids & seem to have good heads on their shoulders. Our DD is in her 1st year of college & is doing well & has needed minimal input from us. I foresee DS, though, perhaps needing a little more instruction/advice/direction. He's not as responsible or as motivated as DD.

I do think, as others have mentioned, that "parenting" changes as your kids get older. I'm not "in the trenches" w/ them any longer, but I worry just as much.

DD is in her 2nd semester. She's never been a math person, but she has to have a math class for her major. I suggested/advised her not to take it her freshman year & wait until next year, but she wanted to get it out of the way. Well, 2 weeks in, & she's having the hardest time w/ the class & was near tears last night.

If I could freeze time, I would have frozen it when our DD was senior in high school, our older DS was a junior in high school, & our younger DS was 8 - so far, that's been our easiest, most fun year of our family & our parenting experience.

I hope to always be available to our kids & to always be a source of support & encouragement for them.

But I hope I don't over-parent like my mom (still) does.

I'm 45. She's 71.

Our heat quit working on Tuesday night of this week. DH called the company who put in our HVAC system about 10 years ago & asked them to come on Friday (today), his off day.

I was on the phone w/ my mom on Wednesday & mentioned our heat not working. Our conversation -

Mom: "Oh no! Are you going to get it fixed?"

Me: "Yes, DH called [company]. They're coming on Friday."

Mom: "Did you call Mr. ___________________?"

(Mr. ______________________ is a man w/ whom they used to go to church years ago who used to have his own HVAC company. He retired & sold his business, but still works on HVAC systems.)

Me: "No, DH called [company]. They're coming on Friday."

Mom: "You could call _____________'s husband. He works on heaters too."

(They go to church w/ the parents of ____________________.)

Me: "Well, DH called [company]. They're coming on Friday."

Mom: "But they couldn't come until Friday?"

Me: "DH asked them to come on Friday, since he's off that day."

Mom: "So are you using space heaters now?"

Me: "Yes. DH bought a new one."

Mom: "You know you have to keep them away from the walls."

Me: "Yes, we know."

Mom: "Do you have enough? Do you need to borrow ours?"

Me: "No, I think we have enough. We're fine."

Mom: "You might want to hang a blanket over the doorway to your basement. A lot of cold air comes up from the basement."

Me: "DH hung a tarp there."

Mom: "Oh, okay. Do y'all need to come stay w/ us?"

Me: "No, I think we'll be fine. We have a couple of space heaters & a propane heater."

Mom: "Are you sure? It's supposed to get cold this weekend."

Me: "Well, they're supposed to come on Friday."

Mom: "I hope they can fix it."

Me: "Me too."

Mom: "Do you think the unit will need to be replaced?"

Me: "I don't know. I hope not."

Mom: "You know, sometimes, those companies will try to tell you that you need a new one even if you don't."

Me: "Yeah, I hope they're able to fix it, & we don't need to replace it."

Mom: "Do you wish you had just called Mr. ______________________?"

Me: "No?"

Mom: "Do you need any money to get it fixed?"

Me: "No, I think we're okay."

Mom: "Well, if you need to borrow a heater, we have one. Y'all are also welcome to just come stay here if you need to warm up."

And so it goes... By the time I got off the phone w/ her, I was stressed that we were going to have completely replace the entire system.

A guy from the company came this morning and fixed the problem. It cost $265.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Our DD turned 19 earlier this month & our older son will be 18 this summer, so we are just reaching the "parenting the 20s" stage.

I could be biased, but they are both really good, decent kids & seem to have good heads on their shoulders. Our DD is in her 1st year of college & is doing well & has needed minimal input from us. I foresee DS, though, perhaps needing a little more instruction/advice/direction. He's not as responsible or as motivated as DD.

I do think, as others have mentioned, that "parenting" changes as your kids get older. I'm not "in the trenches" w/ them any longer, but I worry just as much.

DD is in her 2nd semester. She's never been a math person, but she has to have a math class for her major. I suggested/advised her not to take it her freshman year & wait until next year, but she wanted to get it out of the way. Well, 2 weeks in, & she's having the hardest time w/ the class & was near tears last night.

If I could freeze time, I would have frozen it when our DD was senior in high school, our older DS was a junior in high school, & our younger DS was 8 - so far, that's been our easiest, most fun year of our family & our parenting experience.

I hope to always be available to our kids & to always be a source of support & encouragement for them.

But I hope I don't over-parent like my mom (still) does.

I'm 45. She's 71.

Our heat quit working on Tuesday night of this week. DH called the company who put in our HVAC system about 10 years ago & asked them to come on Friday (today), his off day.

I was on the phone w/ my mom on Wednesday & mentioned our heat not working. Our conversation -

Mom: "Oh no! Are you going to get it fixed?"

Me: "Yes, DH called [company]. They're coming on Friday."

Mom: "Did you call Mr. ___________________?"

(Mr. ______________________ is a man w/ whom they used to go to church years ago who used to have his own HVAC company. He retired & sold his business, but still works on HVAC systems.)

Me: "No, DH called [company]. They're coming on Friday."

Mom: "You could call _____________'s husband. He works on heaters too."

(They go to church w/ the parents of ____________________.)

Me: "Well, DH called [company]. They're coming on Friday."

Mom: "But they couldn't come until Friday?"

Me: "DH asked them to come on Friday, since he's off that day."

Mom: "So are you using space heaters now?"

Me: "Yes. DH bought a new one."

Mom: "You know you have to keep them away from the walls."

Me: "Yes, we know."

Mom: "Do you have enough? Do you need to borrow ours?"

Me: "No, I think we have enough. We're fine."

Mom: "You might want to hang a blanket over the doorway to your basement. A lot of cold air comes up from the basement."

Me: "DH hung a tarp there."

Mom: "Oh, okay. Do y'all need to come stay w/ us?"

Me: "No, I think we'll be fine. We have a couple of space heaters & a propane heater."

Mom: "Are you sure? It's supposed to get cold this weekend."

Me: "Well, they're supposed to come on Friday."

Mom: "I hope they can fix it."

Me: "Me too."

Mom: "Do you think the unit will need to be replaced?"

Me: "I don't know. I hope not."

Mom: "You know, sometimes, those companies will try to tell you that you need a new one even if you don't."

Me: "Yeah, I hope they're able to fix it, & we don't need to replace it."

Mom: "Do you wish you had just called Mr. ______________________?"

Me: "No?"

Mom: "Do you need any money to get it fixed?"

Me: "No, I think we're okay."

Mom: "Well, if you need to borrow a heater, we have one. Y'all are also welcome to just come stay here if you need to warm up."

And so it goes... By the time I got off the phone w/ her, I was stressed that we were going to have completely replace the entire system.

A guy from the company came this morning and fixed the problem. It cost $265.

If it's generally minor stuff I tend to wait until after it's fixed to tell my mom. That conversation you had could have been my mom and I lol. My relationship with my mom has long since pasted the parenting stage. If I used what other people considered parenting then in reality I would be parenting my mom haha (she wouldn't take kindly to that as she's 60 and isn't ready to be 'parented' by me lol).

 

[dyna]

When my DD's was in their early 20's I said they was like 2 yr olds with a drivers license.

 

[Wendy31]

If it's generally minor stuff I tend to wait until after it's fixed to tell my mom. That conversation you had could have been my mom and I lol. My relationship with my mom has long since pasted the parenting stage. If I used what other people considered parenting then in reality I would be parenting my mom haha (she wouldn't take kindly to that as she's 60 and isn't ready to be 'parented' by me lol).

Oh, I know! And I usually don't tell her about minor stuff until it's over either, for this exact reason. I can't remember how it came up in our conversation this time. LOL!

I love her, & I'll probably be the same way.

I don't think you ever really quit worrying & parenting & wanting to offer advice & support.

 

[georgina]

Had a longer post, changed my mind. Good luck to all. Mine are out of the house and on their own. I rarely hear from my son, youngest D calls me a bit too much, oldest D is married so less worry for me. As someone who does suffer from anxiety, I have to remind myself to breathe and realize it is not in my control.

 

[Countrywife45]

I'm in, I much prefer 2 to 20 something

 

[disneyeveryyear]

I believe your first statement is slightly misleading, in that it's not actually anything at all to do with parenting style.

I have a 24 year old and a 20 year old, one graduated, one currently attending college. We haven't ever gotten any specific information about our daughters from their universities either. I know we could/can log into the financials and I know we were listed in the emergency notifications broadcasts because I have occasionally gotten texts or emails of the testing of the emergency system and updates when there has been some type of qualifying emergency on campus. Colleges simply aren't sending out information to parents these days, even if you are authorized for any and all information possible. If you're authorized you have to log in somewhere and find the information yourself. The only information colleges are interested in making outreach for are things that generate revenue like donations or peddling merchandise through agreements they have lined up with vendors for which the university gets a kickback -- like exam week snack baskets and specialty furnishings and bedding they tend to peddle to the freshman parents.

I guess I qualify as a lazy mom because I don't even bother to go looking for info about tuition, I've always expected my daughters to let us know what, when and how. I have no idea if we're authorized to look at grades because I've always just asked, how's your classes, how's your semester and they've talked about what they're working on or how they did. It seems to work for us, the eldest got her degrees just fine and the youngest seems to be a student in good standing thus far.

I do agree, I love being a parent to children these ages. It's finally appropriate to kick back and approach it, and enjoy it, as a great friendship.

I stated the info about their universities in response to some parents who were discussing how much info they get from their colleges. I wouldn't mind an email reminder for tuition. It seems to creep up on me before I think about it and I need to transfer from the 529 to pay tuition. I remember going away to school and loving the freedom, so I have tried to provide that to my kids also. Neither of my parents had gone to college, so they weren't really able to help me much.

I don't log in to check grades either, but I don't think the kids need to know that. My kids are both good students, and tell me how they are doing academically when asked.

 

[emer95]

This thread really scares me. The teenage years have been rough beyond our wildest expectations, not because our kids are “bad” necessarily (normal, in terms of rebellion) but because of things they’ve gone through. We’re almost out of the teenage years, and without exaggeration I can say these have been the hardest years of my life. I’ve been hoping things would get better as they hit their 20s. Maybe not.

 

[sjrec]

This thread really scares me. The teenage years have been rough beyond our wildest expectations, not because our kids are “bad” necessarily (normal, in terms of rebellion) but because of things they’ve gone through. We’re almost out of the teenage years, and without exaggeration I can say these have been the hardest years of my life. I’ve been hoping things would get better as they hit their 20s. Maybe not.

Don’t worry-for many 20 somethings it’s a rewarding time where they find their place-career wise, a partner, a child. As a parent one of my greatest joys is seeing how my daughter turned out to be such a good person. I’m so proud of her!

 

[Colleen27]

i have to ask-are the colleges to some extent asking for this/encouraging this?

Our experience has been just the opposite, but equally frustrating from the perspective of a parent who thinks college should be the adult child's domain (and one of the parenting-a-20-something moments that I didn't exactly love). I WANT to let DS21 navigate his college path himself... but the school is not exactly set up to support that! The published course sequence for his program is really vague once you get past the first semester of pre-reqs, with a note to speak with an adviser about the recommended path. So he makes an appointment with his academic adviser, which takes almost 3 weeks to get in, only to find that the adviser doesn't really know either and she suggests speaking to the lead instructor in the program (because this is a vocational program). Instructor is great about the sequence of trade classes, but no help at all with the best way to figure out the academic requirements. So DS ends up coming to me for advice on the next step because he's already gotten a non-answer from both of the logical adults/authority figures to go to and the clock was ticking on registration. I'm able to track down a previous version of the course catalog that goes into more detail about the trade programs, which the current website and catalog de-emphasize, and give him the info he needed. Maybe it is my failure that his info-sleuthing skills didn't prompt him to take that approach himself, but I can't help feeling like it is also a failure on the part of the people being paid to help students navigate these things. And from talking to friends, there seems to be a lot of that going on, both in advising and in financial aid. This is a small county community college, so maybe (hopefully) the university experience will be different for DD.

 

[DisneyHardin]

IMO the whole adult kid living at home or moving back home says nothing about parenting or if said adult child is a free loading or not. Or if parents failed.

Each situation is unique and different. Sure there are cases were many adult children are free loading. And there are many cases where they are not. A good friend of mine was married and moved back into her parents house with her husband. Did not have to pay rent or anything for two years. Sure they pay their own phone bills and contributed food etc. but no her parents and did not give them a monthly bill for utilities or rent. Her parents offered this from their side as they knew they wanted to save for a home. They were able to save capital a lot faster by not having to pay rent in an expensive city. My friend told me they were able to save almost 50 grand within those two years. It was very generous from her parents to do that they had the space. Empty nesters, huge house with empty bedrooms so why not.

For me living back at home in my 20s would not have worked. I was simply out and about too much. I do not want to have to deal with dirty looks or questions if I brought a guy home or did not come home at night.

I agree completely. I moved back home for about 6 months when I was about 27 or so. I sold my house and the one I was planning to buy fell through, but I still had to be out of mine. I moved in with my mom and she let me "free load" there while I began the search for a new house again - She told me not to worry about paying any rent or anything so I would have a little extra for the down payment on the new house.

 

[luvmy2boyzz]

I want to get in on this pity party too

Same
Two boys 20 & 22 need I say more?

 

[luvmy2boyzz]

I have to remind myself to breathe and realize it is not in my control[/QUOTE



This ^^

 

[luvsJack]

Our DD turned 19 earlier this month & our older son will be 18 this summer, so we are just reaching the "parenting the 20s" stage.

I could be biased, but they are both really good, decent kids & seem to have good heads on their shoulders. Our DD is in her 1st year of college & is doing well & has needed minimal input from us. I foresee DS, though, perhaps needing a little more instruction/advice/direction. He's not as responsible or as motivated as DD.

I do think, as others have mentioned, that "parenting" changes as your kids get older. I'm not "in the trenches" w/ them any longer, but I worry just as much.

DD is in her 2nd semester. She's never been a math person, but she has to have a math class for her major. I suggested/advised her not to take it her freshman year & wait until next year, but she wanted to get it out of the way. Well, 2 weeks in, & she's having the hardest time w/ the class & was near tears last night.

If I could freeze time, I would have frozen it when our DD was senior in high school, our older DS was a junior in high school, & our younger DS was 8 - so far, that's been our easiest, most fun year of our family & our parenting experience.

I hope to always be available to our kids & to always be a source of support & encouragement for them.

But I hope I don't over-parent like my mom (still) does.

I'm 45. She's 71.

Our heat quit working on Tuesday night of this week. DH called the company who put in our HVAC system about 10 years ago & asked them to come on Friday (today), his off day.

I was on the phone w/ my mom on Wednesday & mentioned our heat not working. Our conversation -

Mom: "Oh no! Are you going to get it fixed?"

Me: "Yes, DH called [company]. They're coming on Friday."

Mom: "Did you call Mr. ___________________?"

(Mr. ______________________ is a man w/ whom they used to go to church years ago who used to have his own HVAC company. He retired & sold his business, but still works on HVAC systems.)

Me: "No, DH called [company]. They're coming on Friday."

Mom: "You could call _____________'s husband. He works on heaters too."

(They go to church w/ the parents of ____________________.)

Me: "Well, DH called [company]. They're coming on Friday."

Mom: "But they couldn't come until Friday?"

Me: "DH asked them to come on Friday, since he's off that day."

Mom: "So are you using space heaters now?"

Me: "Yes. DH bought a new one."

Mom: "You know you have to keep them away from the walls."

Me: "Yes, we know."

Mom: "Do you have enough? Do you need to borrow ours?"

Me: "No, I think we have enough. We're fine."

Mom: "You might want to hang a blanket over the doorway to your basement. A lot of cold air comes up from the basement."

Me: "DH hung a tarp there."

Mom: "Oh, okay. Do y'all need to come stay w/ us?"

Me: "No, I think we'll be fine. We have a couple of space heaters & a propane heater."

Mom: "Are you sure? It's supposed to get cold this weekend."

Me: "Well, they're supposed to come on Friday."

Mom: "I hope they can fix it."

Me: "Me too."

Mom: "Do you think the unit will need to be replaced?"

Me: "I don't know. I hope not."

Mom: "You know, sometimes, those companies will try to tell you that you need a new one even if you don't."

Me: "Yeah, I hope they're able to fix it, & we don't need to replace it."

Mom: "Do you wish you had just called Mr. ______________________?"

Me: "No?"

Mom: "Do you need any money to get it fixed?"

Me: "No, I think we're okay."

Mom: "Well, if you need to borrow a heater, we have one. Y'all are also welcome to just come stay here if you need to warm up."

And so it goes... By the time I got off the phone w/ her, I was stressed that we were going to have completely replace the entire system.

A guy from the company came this morning and fixed the problem. It cost $265.

This made me laugh!! I am sure my Mom and I had this exact conversation at least a dozen times over the years! lol.

After Katrina, she came over and stayed at our house that had no lights from her house WITH lights because she wanted to make sure we were safe!! I really wanted to ask her “and exactly what is your little 68 year old self going to do?” Lol. (My niece and family and her in laws from NOLA were all at mom’s).

I think of those conversations every time I want to over mother my 36 year old and his wife. I try to just think it and not actually say or do it!

 

[Snowysmom]

My DH tends to like to "give" the kids advice. Both are young men, married, and have families. They are smart and usually have some common sense. They do not care for the advice most times and just humor him or they can get a bit snarky. I wait until they ask for advice and they still do occasionally. If I saw them doing something really stupid or dangerous I would say something but that has not happened so far. You are always a parent and will still want what is best for your kids.

 

[dish rag]

I'm very lucky I guess after reading this, we never had any major problems. We made it very clear from an early age that they would become educated and that it would be paid for as long as they were on the right track, that there would be no laziness and laying around. They listened I guess. We gave a good example and thankfully it worked out.

 

[cabanafrau]

Our experience has been just the opposite, but equally frustrating from the perspective of a parent who thinks college should be the adult child's domain (and one of the parenting-a-20-something moments that I didn't exactly love). I WANT to let DS21 navigate his college path himself... but the school is not exactly set up to support that! The published course sequence for his program is really vague once you get past the first semester of pre-reqs, with a note to speak with an adviser about the recommended path. So he makes an appointment with his academic adviser, which takes almost 3 weeks to get in, only to find that the adviser doesn't really know either and she suggests speaking to the lead instructor in the program (because this is a vocational program). Instructor is great about the sequence of trade classes, but no help at all with the best way to figure out the academic requirements. So DS ends up coming to me for advice on the next step because he's already gotten a non-answer from both of the logical adults/authority figures to go to and the clock was ticking on registration. I'm able to track down a previous version of the course catalog that goes into more detail about the trade programs, which the current website and catalog de-emphasize, and give him the info he needed. Maybe it is my failure that his info-sleuthing skills didn't prompt him to take that approach himself, but I can't help feeling like it is also a failure on the part of the people being paid to help students navigate these things. And from talking to friends, there seems to be a lot of that going on, both in advising and in financial aid. This is a small county community college, so maybe (hopefully) the university experience will be different for DD.

The advisers who are the gateway yet don't have a clue about direction is apparently a plague upon higher education in America these days. Both of my daughters have been through it across 3 college and university settings, my husband banged his head against that wall at yet another university to obtain his masters and casual discussion of that subject in several social situations indicates to me that the same is happening with a wide range of college students at an awful lot of institutions around the country. Our younger DD had to resort to involving the ombudsman at her university when she either received word back that various professors across two departments were on sabbatical and therefore unable to meet with her or simply refused to respond to emails or voicemails for several weeks.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I am not sure but my kids and their worries are still my worries, i feel. My dad was like that and so I am. While they are adults they still need us for advice, guidance, etc. My 24 & 22 yr olds live on their own and I worry about the 22 yr old more because he makes terrible decisions. He has 2 tickets right now and he can't pay them because he is layed off and hasn't gotten his unemployment checks yet. I worry he is going get pulled over and go to jail because they aren't paid. My 20 yr old dd is having a breakdown. She is going to college F/T and working P/T and is stressing more than I have ever seen her stress. I think she is depressed. The 24 yr old is going to ask his GF to marry him in March. They are barely making it financially and now they are going to plan a wedding. I have more stress now then when they were small. Yikes!