"Can I Come To Your Wedding?"

[Westcoastwild]

Weddings make people weird. Never again.

That sums up my views on weddings, yes. And some people get weirder than others!

 

[tcufrog]

Many years ago my dh was the best man at a wedding when a couple we were acquaintances with came up to us out of the blue and told us they were sorry they weren't inviting us to the wedding. The reason they gave us was that they cut the guest list so they could afford fajitas at the reception. The funny thing though was that we had never thought they'd invite us because we didn't think they were our friends. They were acquaintances we saw at parties and fraternity events. All four of us were in the same coed fraternity.

 

[Heidict]

Many years ago my dh was the best man at a wedding when a couple we were acquaintances with came up to us out of the blue and told us they were sorry they weren't inviting us to the wedding. The reason they gave us was that they cut the guest list so they could afford fajitas at the reception. The funny thing though was that we had never thought they'd invite us because we didn't think they were our friends. They were acquaintances we saw at parties and fraternity events. All four of us were in the same coed fraternity.

OMG, you got replaced by fajitas. That is hysterical.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My wedding is a personal (and maybe intimate) event for the two of us, and parents/family/close friends.

I have no desire, whatsoever, and would actually abhor, the thought that my wedding were a big semi-public 'fun' event.
In the end, another person's preferences do not have any bearing on my wedding, at all.

But, hey, to each his own....

 

[Wishing on a star]

Fajitas!!!!

Maybe Margaritas were also included!

 

[DaisyJ]

Well...my first reaction is if you keep your coworkers out of your personal life, how did she know if there was any wedding to attend?

I can't imagine asking to attend anyone's wedding- I don't like them- but on the other hand, if a friend got married and made it an "exclusive" event, that would probably bug me. Mostly because I would want to celebrate with her, but I've been in a few situations that the individual would invite me but not others in our group of friends because they wanted to keep the numbers down. It's awkward because 1) everyone else there would be strangers and 2) I never know who is invited or not and I don't want to mention it to anyone in case it hurts feelings.

I do get the money reasoning but I've always thought that was a bit of a cop out. I tend to think that if you can't afford to invite everyone who wants to come, hold a different kind of reception (no dinner) or do a destination wedding. I'd say family only, but I'd be perfectly ok leaving a number of relatives off the list, so destination wedding it is. In the long run, it's about who cared enough to show up to celebrate with the couple, not the flower arrangements or the menu or the open bar (although that last one would be a definite reason to rsvp in my family).

I'm gonna take a stab in the dark and guess you've never in your life thrown a wedding.

 

[adisneyaunt]

The fajitas beating out an invite take the cake, lol

It doesn't surprise me that people will ask if they re invited, never mind asking if they can plus 1, bring their gf/bf , that they started dating the week before..nutty!
And the no kids rule... That was the issue I recall. Our immediate family children ( not babies/toddlers) were included ( and were in the wedding) but no other children.
We had hoped the adults would actually enjoy a night without the kids. most liked it but there's always one that makes drama.
Personally if someone is not invited ( kids/plus ones) and it offends you, you should decline the invite.
Rude, probably.. but fairly typical.

Congrats on the upcoming marriage OP!

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Well...my first reaction is if you keep your coworkers out of your personal life, how did she know if there was any wedding to attend?

I can't imagine asking to attend anyone's wedding- I don't like them- but on the other hand, if a friend got married and made it an "exclusive" event, that would probably bug me. Mostly because I would want to celebrate with her, but I've been in a few situations that the individual would invite me but not others in our group of friends because they wanted to keep the numbers down. It's awkward because 1) everyone else there would be strangers and 2) I never know who is invited or not and I don't want to mention it to anyone in case it hurts feelings.

I do get the money reasoning but I've always thought that was a bit of a cop out. I tend to think that if you can't afford to invite everyone who wants to come, hold a different kind of reception (no dinner) or do a destination wedding. I'd say family only, but I'd be perfectly ok leaving a number of relatives off the list, so destination wedding it is. In the long run, it's about who cared enough to show up to celebrate with the couple, not the flower arrangements or the menu or the open bar (although that last one would be a definite reason to rsvp in my family).

I see people are giving you a hard time over your opinion, but I agree to a certain extent. I've seen a lot of family or friends fall out over a wedding. Unfortunately, decisions often have consequences. One has to decide how much relationships with those who want to attend, but aren't invited, matter to the bride & groom or their parents. I realize many people don't agree with me, but IMO a wedding isn't just about the bride & groom. A wedding is one day of your life. You'll have to live with both families & each others friends for the length of the marriage, which is hopefully a lot longer than a day. The wedding couple are free to make any decisions they want. They just need to be prepared for those decisions to come back to haunt them later.

ETA: In the OPs situation, where she doesn't really consider her co-workers friends, there's no reason to worry about how they'll feel about being left out.

 

[Westcoastwild]

I see people are giving you a hard time over your opinion, but I agree to a certain extent. I've seen a lot of family or friends fall out over a wedding. Unfortunately, decisions often have consequences. One has to decide how much relationships with those who want to attend, but aren't invited, matter to the bride & groom or their parents. I realize many people don't agree with me, but IMO a wedding isn't just about the bride & groom. A wedding is one day of your life. You'll have to live with both families & each others friends for the length of the marriage, which is hopefully a lot longer than a day. The wedding couple are free to make any decisions they want. They just need to be prepared for those decisions to come back to haunt them later.

ETA: In the OPs situation, where she doesn't really consider her co-workers friends, there's no reason to worry about how they'll feel about being left out.

Right. That's really what I was saying. The times I've seen drama over this, it involves family or friends who were genuinely upset they weren't invited and then the bride and groom are "surprised" that there are consequences for years after.

I wouldn't care in the OP's case at all. And I think it's hilarious that a MALE coworker asked that. My SO is even more reluctant to go to weddings than I am!

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Right. That's really what I was saying. The times I've seen drama over this, it involves family or friends who were genuinely upset they weren't invited and then the bride and groom are "surprised" that there are consequences for years after.

I wouldn't care in the OP's case at all. And I think it's hilarious that a MALE coworker asked that. My SO is even more reluctant to go to weddings than I am!

It is surprising a male wanted to go. Maybe, he's trying to impress a girl & hoping she'll decide she wants to get married. I'm female & only go to the weddings I'm obligated to attend. I would be thrilled to not be invited, but some people really care & would have their feelings hurt for years to come.

 

[Westcoastwild]

It is surprising a male wanted to go. Maybe, he's trying to impress a girl & hoping she'll decide she wants to get married. I'm female & only go to the weddings I'm obligated to attend. I would be thrilled to not be invited, but some people really care & would have their feelings hurt for years to come.

Yup. So a few years ago, a college acquaintance made a big show about not inviting me because I had said a few things less than complimentary about her groom years ago, like before she had dated him (he had broken up with a good friend of mine and my opinion of him had been confirmed by his behavior during that). I knew she was going to be a bridezilla so I had had absolutely no intention of going near that circus to begin with. She roped our mutual friends into being cheap labor (I.e. Bridesmaids) and then made their life extremely expensive and difficult. They no longer speak to her, and she did a huge martyr act when they finally dropped out of the wedding two months before the big day.

People are crazy. Anyway, the whole time mutual friends kept asking me if I was offended, and I was thrilled to not have been invited. She was the kind of person that would have been deeply offended and "wounded" if she invited me and I didn't go.

 

[Sweetpancake]

Personally I do feel it's very rude to ask the bride or groom if you're invited to their wedding. I think you handled it well. I only invited one woman I work with whom I was rather close to and had enjoyed discussing all of my wedding plans with. Of course I didn't make it known at work that she was invited.

 

[dotfurio]

It wasn't an issue at my wedding, so I don't have any personal experience having to deal from that side of things. I would never ask someone if I was invited - seems awkward. However, I can see where someone might expect they should be invited and might inquire if they haven't received an invitation (ie did it get lost, did they not get mailed out yet). I think your response is perfect.

A little off topic, but one thing that irks me is when I'm invited to the shower but not the wedding. Maybe I'm taking it wrong, but it feels too much like a gift grab to me. It's always from people I don't know well - a coworker or other acquaintance, so I don't go (and probably wouldn't have gone to the wedding, either).

 

[Skywalker]

My wedding is a personal (and maybe intimate) event for the two of us, and parents/family/close friends.

I have no desire, whatsoever, and would actually abhor, the thought that my wedding were a big semi-public 'fun' event.
In the end, another person's preferences do not have any bearing on my wedding, at all.

But, hey, to each his own....

Yeah, those fun events really suck lol.

Anyway, I don't find it rude of someone to ask. Some people are just blunt like that, as long as your co-worker was cool with the answer then he good in my books. Also, I do think LOTS of couples get too caught up in the fluff instead of the important relationships. Not all, but lots.

 

[LiveYourLife]

I think asking anyone (regardless of the relationship) if you are invited to any type of party is a cop out...of manners.

OP, don't feel awkward. Just say no and move on.

Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!!!

 

[Mizzoufan]

I don't think they are trying to be rude or making you feel bad. I think they just want to celebrate your happy day.

 

[ols386]

I would never ask to be invited to someone's wedding. That seems presumptuous and rude. And very awkward if they say no.

 

[piccolopat]

When DD got married, she didn't want a large event. We invited the family and friends that were important to her and her fiancé. Family and aquaintences that weren't a regular part of their personal lives were not invited. If people were offended, we never heard but frankly it wouldn't have changed our minds on who we were inviting. Weddings shouldn't be a gathering of anyone who ever knew you or the bridal couple and most people understand that budgets are not unlimited.

 

[bcla]

I've certainly asked if it would be possible, but wouldn't have been offended if the answer was that it would be a small affair. It was also an Asian wedding where the general idea was that most guests would give a cash gift, which would go towards paying for the wedding expenses. In the end I was one of the few coworkers who was invited to the actual wedding. I lived pretty close to the wedding site, while most of the coworkers lived further away closer to work. Quite a few coworkers were invited to the reception though.

I was invited to the bachelor party though without asking.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Elope.