"Can I Come To Your Wedding?"

[weeniecat2442]

A wedding thread! Yay!

I'm planning a wedding- which has mostly been pretty fun, other than, of course, the guest list.
It was a stressful list to put together. Our awesome parents are helping us with the wedding and therefore could invite who they liked.
We will be inviting about 150 people - which is way more than I originally wanted but what can ya do.

I just had the first person come up to ask me if they were invited. A co-worker. No one from my office is invited. While I'm friendly with the people here, I keep them at work and never socialize with anyone outside of work.
I told him no co-workers would be invited and that it is family and closest friends but boy was it awkward!
I also have an acquaintance from high school that I KNOW will ask me if she is invited- she is not. I plan to go with the budget/family line.

Did people ask you if they were invited to your wedding? I think it's so rude. Wedding's are SO expensive and the cost per head is ridiculous. How did you handle these questions?

 

[Squirlz]

My first wedding had a per-head cost for food. I invited a friend from work. She had a long distance boyfriend whom we had never met. She RSVPd that she AND the boyfriend would attend. Then they never showed up.

 

[cabanafrau]

My first wedding had a er-head cost for food. I invited a friend from work. She had a long distance boyfriend whom we had never met. She RSVPd that she AND the boyfriend would attend. Then they never showed up.

That's super considerate.

OP, we never had to deal with this issue as our wedding was basically immediate family only. Being a bride and having a wedding, so not my thing. Hoping our daughters choose similar or very modest celebrations too. I would just tell anybody with the temerity to be so rude that budget and venue required your numbers to be very limited.

 

[Westcoastwild]

Well...my first reaction is if you keep your coworkers out of your personal life, how did she know if there was any wedding to attend?

I can't imagine asking to attend anyone's wedding- I don't like them- but on the other hand, if a friend got married and made it an "exclusive" event, that would probably bug me. Mostly because I would want to celebrate with her, but I've been in a few situations that the individual would invite me but not others in our group of friends because they wanted to keep the numbers down. It's awkward because 1) everyone else there would be strangers and 2) I never know who is invited or not and I don't want to mention it to anyone in case it hurts feelings.

I do get the money reasoning but I've always thought that was a bit of a cop out. I tend to think that if you can't afford to invite everyone who wants to come, hold a different kind of reception (no dinner) or do a destination wedding. I'd say family only, but I'd be perfectly ok leaving a number of relatives off the list, so destination wedding it is. In the long run, it's about who cared enough to show up to celebrate with the couple, not the flower arrangements or the menu or the open bar (although that last one would be a definite reason to rsvp in my family).

 

[cabanafrau]

Well...my first reaction is if you keep your coworkers out of your personal life, how did she know if there was any wedding to attend?

I can't imagine asking to attend anyone's wedding- I don't like them- but on the other hand, if a friend got married and made it an "exclusive" event, that would probably bug me. Mostly because I would want to celebrate with her, but I've been in a few situations that the individual would invite me but not others in our group of friends because they wanted to keep the numbers down. It's awkward because 1) everyone else there would be strangers and 2) I never know who is invited or not and I don't want to mention it to anyone in case it hurts feelings.

I do get the money reasoning but I've always thought that was a bit of a cop out. I tend to think that if you can't afford to invite everyone who wants to come, hold a different kind of reception (no dinner) or do a destination wedding. I'd say family only, but I'd be perfectly ok leaving a number of relatives off the list, so destination wedding it is. In the long run, it's about who cared enough to show up to celebrate with the couple, not the flower arrangements or the menu or the open bar (although that last one would be a definite reason to rsvp in my family).

Are you suggesting that a couple who wants to get married should plan the wedding around everyone who wants to come, whether they wish to invite those guests or not?

IMO you plan the wedding you can afford around the amount of guests you are inviting, which should be up to the bridal couple and possibly their parents depending on the situation.

 

[weeniecat2442]

Well...my first reaction is if you keep your coworkers out of your personal life, how did she know if there was any wedding to attend?

I was looking at a list of reception songs on my computer and he came over to my desk and asked if I was planning my wedding.

LOL money being a cop out. I'd love to have the money to be able to invite every person I'm friends with but that's not the case. And family and closest friends are who is invited.

 

[KayKayJS]

I do get the money reasoning but I've always thought that was a bit of a cop out. I tend to think that if you can't afford to invite everyone who wants to come, hold a different kind of reception (no dinner) or do a destination wedding. I'd say family only, but I'd be perfectly ok leaving a number of relatives off the list, so destination wedding it is. In the long run, it's about who cared enough to show up to celebrate with the couple, not the flower arrangements or the menu or the open bar (although that last one would be a definite reason to rsvp in my family).

What?!? So basically because I can't invite every single person that might want to come I shouldn't have dinner at my wedding? LOL!!! My wedding is modest but we cannot afford more than around 50-60 guests. It's a beautiful venue, great DJ, open bar, great dinner and desserts. Many friends we don't see often are not invited, and a ton of family members I haven't seen in years, as well. I would've loved to invite them but it's not in the budget. And I would say open bar and other things that cost a lot of $$$$ are important. I care about my guests enough to provide them with a comfortable event. If that means I can only have 50 and not 200, then that's fine. I'm not gonna half *** it so I can invite 200.

 

[soccerdad72]

Well...my first reaction is if you keep your coworkers out of your personal life, how did she know if there was any wedding to attend?

Even with the best efforts of keeping people out of your personal life, I would imagine something like an upcoming wedding would be difficult to keep from coworkers for very long.

I don't recall anyone asking to be invited to our wedding (it's almost 20 years now, so it might have happened), but we did have one or two people add a +1 that we didn't invite (because we didn't know they were seeing anyone) and we had one or two no shows as well. Both a more than a little annoying.

 

[Westcoastwild]

Are you suggesting that a couple who wants to get married should plan the wedding around everyone who wants to come, whether they wish to invite those guests or not?

IMO you plan the wedding you can afford around the amount of guests you are inviting, which should be up to the bridal couple and possibly their parents depending on the situation.

Hey, I realize few people are going to agree. I just think the whole guest list thing is a stupid way to create stress to begin with. That's been a recurring issue in 3 of the weddings I attended in the last 2 years. One was really messy just because of that- like friendships ruined. The ones that had less expensive weddings and no guest list drama were a lot more fun.

So from that, I've drawn the conclusion that it's less to plan a wedding where the budget can be stretched to include everyone who wants to show up. Of course the bride and family can have whatever wedding they want- just be prepared for the awkward incidences that the OP is dealing with.

Fwiw, I would have no problem with cheerfully telling the coworker they weren't invited. It wouldn't be awkward at all. It doesn't sound like they're personal friends.

 

[KayKayJS]

I've been left off the guest lists from a ton of weddings (family too) and I've never even thought about it. I'd never judge someone for having a smaller wedding so that they could actually have the wedding they wanted, instead of having a huge wedding but it not be what they dreamed of. Just to appease others.

Life is too short to spend it worrying about what everyone else thinks.

 

[cabanafrau]

Hey, I realize few people are going to agree. I just think the whole guest list thing is a stupid way to create stress to begin with. That's been a recurring issue in 3 of the weddings I attended in the last 2 years. One was really messy just because of that- like friendships ruined. The ones that had less expensive weddings and no guest list drama were a lot more fun.

So from that, I've drawn the conclusion that it's less to plan a wedding where the budget can be stretched to include everyone who wants to show up. Of course the bride and family can have whatever wedding they want- just be prepared for the awkward incidences that the OP is dealing with.

Fwiw, I would have no problem with cheerfully telling the coworker they weren't invited. It wouldn't be awkward at all. It doesn't sound like they're personal friends.

I realize I'm probably not the braintrust anybody would choose to plan their wedding, being as that is just not my cup of tea and all, but I have no idea how anybody could possibly plan a wedding where the budget can be stretched to include everyone who wants to show up?

 

[wilkeliza]

We are handling it by saying that the venue we have chosen has a strict capacity and although we would love to be able to celebrate with everyone we just had to make some hard choices of who to invite. The only 2 people who have said anything were completely understanding. Our website will probably say something similar as to discourage any surprise plus ones and well the venue won't be allowing surprise plus ones anyways so I really hope no one tries.

Money wasn't even a problem when we picked a venue we just wanted no more then 100 people so chose a venue that would go up to 125 in full knowledge that fiance's mom would be adding people on to the list no matter who we put on it.

 

[lorimay]

My son was married 2 months ago, they had their hearts set on a venue that was beautiful but only held 100 max.
They decided to keep guest list down and have exactly what they wanted.
I was happy they did that, but boy people are so forward.
I lost count on how many people asked outright to bring someone else along.
My head was spinning it was happening so often.
They allowed a couple family members to bring a date after they got a couple no responses.
My poor daughter in law even had a distant not close family member not invited tell her on Social Media, can't wait to be there........

 

[nkereina]

Well...my first reaction is if you keep your coworkers out of your personal life, how did she know if there was any wedding to attend?

I don't think this is that out of line. I do not socialize with my co-workers outside of work either, but we still have small talk throughout the day. They all knew I got married last year, though none of them were invited. Our department has about 10 people, so I told them that to invite all 10 of them plus their significant others would have put me over capacity (which was true), and there are also people in our department that I don't know well but I wouldn't want to exclude them. So it was an all or nothing situation, and I decided to go with inviting none of them. They were all fine with it and no one was offended.

 

[KayKayJS]

But, back to the OP. I'm getting married in 4 months and we have had multiple people ask. One asked because my fiances dad decided to bring it up at a soccer game. That was awkward and we had a talk with his dad (which feels like we have to do every week about the wedding) not to discuss the wedding with people who aren't invited. And not to just randomly invite their friends.

One family member fb messaged me that due to family drama, she wouldn't come but please send her an invitation. I just glossed over that in my response because I don't even know how to respond to that. She's not invited because my dad's siblings are not able to get along without having knockdown dragout fights and I'm not having that at my wedding. I love them, but my wedding is not going to be the place they see each other again after the last big blowup. I love my aunts and uncles, but they made their bed.

 

[Westcoastwild]

I realize I'm probably not the braintrust anybody would choose to plan their wedding, being as that is just not my cup of tea and all, but I have no idea how anybody could possibly plan a wedding where the budget can be stretched to include everyone who wants to show up?

Yeah, but how many people really want to show up? Or want to show up badly enough to ask, anyway? So far for the OP, that's been a grand total of 2 people.

I think numbers are more of a problem when it comes to plus ones. People get mad sometimes when that's not on the invite or when it says "please no kids". That's a big problem with my family's weddings. That can easily double or triple the number of people who show up and there's no way to plan for that.

 

[amberpi]

The first big fight I had with my now ex husband involved people from his family (extended family, people's names I'd never heard, more of less MET) wanting to be invited to the wedding I was paying for (not him), again a pp cost. We had agreed to a smaller (100), very intimate wedding. I agreed and six people that were supposed to be coming from out of town and never showed. I never met these mysterious people who messaged me on FB to solicit an invite in the 7-8 years we were together. Weddings make people weird. Never again.

 

[Westcoastwild]

We are handling it by saying that the venue we have chosen has a strict capacity and although we would love to be able to celebrate with everyone we just had to make some hard choices of who to invite. The only 2 people who have said anything were completely understanding. Our website will probably say something similar as to discourage any surprise plus ones and well the venue won't be allowing surprise plus ones anyways so I really hope no one tries.

Money wasn't even a problem when we picked a venue we just wanted no more then 100 people so chose a venue that would go up to 125 in full knowledge that fiance's mom would be adding people on to the list no matter who we put on it.

I completely understand wanting a certain venue and that is an ingenious method to cut down the guest list (even though I know you didn't do it for that reason.) may have to try that..

 

[cabanafrau]

Yeah, but how many people really want to show up? Or want to show up badly enough to ask, anyway? So far for the OP, that's been a grand total of 2 people.

I think numbers are more of a problem when it comes to plus ones. People get mad sometimes when that's not on the invite or when it says "please no kids". That's a big problem with my family's weddings. That can easily double or triple the number of people who show up and there's no way to plan for that.

Sorry, but I cannot understand how your "solution" solves anything -- by your own reasoning. Logistically I cannot think where your starting point might be. Instead of save the dates do you send out a survey and open up the entire planning process to the whims of your potential guest pool?

Joe and Jane intend to wed in 2018. Since you know Joe and/or Jane they wish to glean your potential interest in attending their nuptials.

Would you be interested in attending their wedding if the arrangements suit you?

If yes, please review the list of Saturdays in 2018 and indicate those dates for which you may potentially be willing to attend their wedding.

For those dates you indicated an interest in potentially attending their wedding, would you prefer a noon, 1 pm, 5 pm or 6 pm ceremony?

According to your date and ceremony time preferences, how long after the ceremony would you prefer the reception start?

For the reception, would you prefer alcohol be offered or no?

If you prefer alcohol be offered would you like simply beer and wine offered, or do you prefer a full bar package?

If you prefer beer and wine, what are your style and/or brand preferences?

If you prefer a full bar package, would you rather select from house brands or will you require premium shelf offerings?

What type of reception venue would be your preference?

Is there a location you would consider most ideal for the ceremony and reception?

What type of music would you enjoy listening to at the reception?

Would you prefer music be played by a live band or a DJ?

Would you enjoy a cocktail and appetizer hour to begin the reception?

If you prefer having a cocktail hour, would you enjoy a string quartet or jazz trio for light music to start the festivities?

Would you prefer the couple have a reception line or make their way individually to all tables of guests?

Would you prefer a buffet or table side service for the food?

What type of food offerings would you like to have for the reception menu?



Perhaps I have come upon an ingenious method of either chasing away potential guests -- or the most dialed up wedding and reception ever!

 

[wilkeliza]

I completely understand wanting a certain venue and that is an ingenious method to cut down the guest list (even though I know you didn't do it for that reason.) may have to try that..

We actually did chose the venue over the other because it was smaller and thus couldn't let future MIL invite the entire world of people we just don't care about haha. We did sadly end up having to cut 2 friends over this plan but I'll take 2 friends who aren't super close over having 100 people I don't even know at my wedding. Not kidding when it came to make a list sister in laws thought they got to invite a few people and so many people suddenly because "long time friends of the family" when really it was friends of this sister or friends of that sister or friends of so and so who kind of know MIL. My fiance has played his family game so long he knew exactly how to stop that haha. We also split the list in that he got a number, I got an number, and his mom got another haha.