That's the rub... we are family. It's my nephews wedding. I helped raise him from birth, they lived with us when I was a teenager. I have 6 siblings, only one sibling was invited. The rest of us were not and are really shocked and saddened.
I don't believe it's lack of money. The bride's family is wealthy and footing the bill. I learned from the one sibling that was invited that it is going to be lavish affair, black tie, seated, multiple courses, etc.
My sibling whose son did not invite his aunts and uncles refuses to address us about it. Did they think we wouldn't find out about the snub? This sibling is my son's godparent. I'm totally at a loss here.
Edited to add: we live in the same city and see each other often.
OP, I feel bad for you. Your posts sound like you have supported your sibling and nephew through thick and thin ... and this is something special you would have liked to have been a part of. I have a few nieces I would hate to miss their special day if it turned out that lots of the grooms family had been invited and I was not.
There are lots of reasons this could have happened, and it sounds like your sister is not healthy enough to see the effects here. It could also be that she doesn't have the numbers to include everyone but felt she had to invite the one she is with daily. And if she has issues, you may not know her current interior workings of how she may feel about different people, if she will feel unable to handle the stress of the wedding let alone relatives. It could be lots of things. I honestly would not take it personally since most of you were not invited ... it sounds more like it is your sister/nephews problem whether numbers etc. Remember if there are numerous siblings/spouses/cousins it could be that they felt if they invited the rest of you the numbers would jump big time.
I have two siblings and all my nieces are younger than my kids. We are all close but the gaps means our kids are all at different places in life. My DH has four siblings and 8 nieces and nephews all now married (one twice). We have had everything from an expensive wedding in "social approved" venue to a wedding with just their parents because they weren't going to spend tons of money for that. One sibling hosted a wedding with over 300 people. When the son was getting married the groom/bride controlled everything and made the decision to only have about 160 people (which was still a big party) so the sibling suddenly had to trim her previous list from 200+ to 50. Oh my. Even the grandma was livid. But that was the size wedding they wanted, and they wanted half of that their personal friends group.
Long complicated dynamics in the family at that point in time but sibling said to me .... "I don't know what I am going to do I have to cut so many off the list." I said "No one should ever assume that they should be invited to a wedding unless it's their own child. I would never get upset because I would assume there is a reason. I certainly understand venue size limitations and per head costs. A bride/groom should be able to have their wedding where they want and not have to move it, or change the style just so lots of people can come. You do what you have to do for
their wedding."
So a wedding invite came for DH and I. Our three kids were not invited. Some cousins were but they were distant and I think done with the idea they would not come (and most didn't). Well, I RSVP yes that the two of us would be there. On returning from a vacation just weeks before the wedding DH brought up wedding, I said yes I had RSVP'd and it would be us two. He asked why the kids didn't want to go, and I said they were not invited, but it's fine they were okay with that, they understand. Well ........... he called his sibling and questioned why they were not invited. I was embarrassed because I firmly believe that no one is obligated to invite anyone ... sometimes constraints make it difficult particularly when inviting this grouping means more groupings and 3 turns into 13. Kids, me ... all okay. DH not, he took it too personal. Well a couple weeks later out of the blue the doorbell rings. I see sibling, son and another child standing at door. I went upstairs. They actually stood there and blamed the brides mother for somehow leaving them off the list. Having been part of the process this is something you check and recheck and recheck again to make sure all the invites are correct. A week away they asked them to come ... saving face. (or had enough "no's" that the B list kicked in) Kids decided no, they would honor the invite and not attend. At the wedding I was approached by their best friend asking where my kids were. I told her. Her face was priceless, her kids were not invited either but she called the sibling and said they are attending anyway. It seemed as though they invited some who they figured would not come, then did not invite the ones that would. Numbers game. And honestly that is okay, I even told them to cut the list, folks are not owed an invite.
I guess my point is no wedding, even in the same family is the same ... not even the lists. That sometimes a decision is made due to ripple effects ... if they invite you they may feel they have to invite everyone and they might feel like they have to invite the one they did. Sometimes there are irrational reasons why, weddings are stressful and amplify things. There truly are only two people that are important at a wedding, the bride and groom. It should be a dream day for them so that may mean a small venue, an expensive venue/meal and they may choose to keep the wedding very small. That is okay, it's about them.
I would just look at it that it's what they want, it's their decision and their issues ........... and you should not take it personally. This isn't something that you should try to figure out as they obviously don't want to talk about it. I would just let things settle, focus on your own family and not get torn up about it. Promise you I know what this kind of thing can do to you, and when you push toxic issues away you feel SO MUCH BETTER.
No invite means no gift is necessary. I would send the nephew a card of congrats and wish him well, leaving it at that. You don't want to bring any more negativity to the situation, it won't help.
Just surround yourselves with positive energy and don't try to get answers, or open up anything. I would tell my siblings ... it's their wedding and while I hate to miss nephews special day, it's their day and I have to respect their choice.
My DB and DSIL also had no choices in the amount they paid, or how it was used. They were given a bill. The rehearsal was also their responsibility with the guest list planned my MOB, the venue and menu chosen by MOB.
The wedding cost in excess of $75,000. The couple is now divorced.
I refused to play games for my oldest boy's wedding. We had given him a set amout of money even before the couple was planning to marry, but told him he could use it any way he wanted: wedding, towards a home, awesome vacation. Whatever. When they started planning I kept out of it unless I was specifically asked, and told them to invite whoever they wanted. I wore what I wanted to wear: I hate beige! LOL!!! MOB purchased beige, so I guess it worked out.
I have two in their 20's who have all their cousins on one side now married and lots of friends going, going and gone. The big joke is the more expensive the wedding the more likely it won't last. Most expensive cousin's wedding; marriage didn't last a year. The fun part was most the relatives weren't even told for another year but facebook don't lie. HAHA.
I am with you and told my kids what I was told. We will spend XXX dollars, anything more you will have to come up with. Told DD, we are not blowing a wad of our retirement for a "party". At this point both have expressed desire for small ~ and if I had to do it over again I wouldn't have had 250 people at ours ... most of which I have no idea where they are. And both kids only want to invite the relatives they are VERY close to, and I dread the day because there are some aunt/uncles they don't want to come ... mostly due to their behavior. I keep whispering "small destination wedding" in their ears while they sleep.
I would definitely be hurt. As others have said, sometimes it is an issue with limitation of guests due to venue size limitations, budget, etc. BUT in this case, at VERY VERY MINIMUM, in my opinion, it is time for your nephew to "put on his big boy pants" and discuss this with you like an adult should
. For God's sake, you helped raise him from birth!!!!
Did your sibling when she communicated her invite, state if she knew why your other siblings were not invited? I hope for you that there is an explanation or some type of "mixup"!
