What would you have done?

[Aladora]

I never find it insulting when a kid asks a question. When I said "I would say this to a kid" I meant that I word things as if I was speaking to a younger person, which really annoys rude adults.

If I find a question too personal or rude, even if a kid asks it, I will tell them that it is not a polite or nice question to ask (I will still answer it if i can). Usually this falls in the realm of questions about my toileting habits.

The only thing that can get annoying is when I answer a question or two, but the parent never steps in or whatever and I end up talking to a kid for a long time, answering lots of questions, when there is something else I should be doing or want to be doing (like talking to members of my party or whatever).

I think your answer is very good, about saying nothing is wrong with us. That is a very good answer. And generally, people in wheelchairs don't mind a question or two. As I said, the only time it gets annoying is if it just keeps going and keeps me from doing something else...

There are a few people who really do not want to answer questions, so sometimes you need to be prepared for a person to say they do not want to talk about it...

But I will always answer a kid's question. Kids are never insulting, even when I start getting compared to grandma. They are naturally curious and not asking out of pity or a macabre desire, like staring at a car wreck - kids genuinely want to know. Usually the only time I end up getting insulted is when a parent says something stupid!

This is how kid's learn about disabilities and how to see us as people first, and not see the wheelchair first.

Kids are ok. Adults are sometimes ok, but only when other conversation is established. An adult should be able to figure out how to talk to me for a minute or two before asking for my medical history. But kids are always ok - they just want to learn.

 

[Fantasmic76]

Consider the source. It is coming from a 12 year old....

Most parents don't coach their children to pick on people with disabilities. He likely embarrassed them.

Not worth another thought.

 

[bumbershoot]

I was navigating through a sea of people that were not in the line but overflowing past the ropes. The benefits of putting my son safely in a seat prior to the general public ensures a safe and happy trip for my family as well as the other passengers. You don't know what sets him off, I do and that is why we board early. It was not a normal situation, otherwise we would not have been blocked.

FWIW when I've traveled on any NON-Southwest airline, that IS the normal situation. People gather around and block others, even when they are in the last boarding group. Part of that is because it's SO hard to hear the announcements and the airlines that have a reader board don't always update it. But also it's just because people get anxious about getting onboard.

It might not have been your experience in the past, but it's possible the past experiences were different than what usually happens. Because I've never NOT seen a huge clog of people waiting to get onto an Alaska, United, etc flight. Only lines I've ever seen controlled by gate agents have been Southwest since they changed their way of boarding.

Maybe in the future you could ask the gate agents if you could stand right near them (like opposite the line from them, not behind their desk or anything), and they could signal you when it's time? That way you would be there in place, and anyone close enough to comment would see that the gate agent was summoning you?

doubtful. and it doesn't work after the fact, just like it doesn't work on puppies when you come home to the shredded slippers.

if the behavior is not addressed immediately, anything that comes along later( punishment, explanation. whatever) loses its' impact.

the parents SHOULD Have immediately made the child apologize for the comment/gesture. that would have made the OP happy, I am quite sure plus been a teachable moment that such things are unacceptable in polite society.

Having been a kid and knowing lots of kids, I just really disagree with this. Being forced to apologize right then gives a meaningless, thoughtless apology. The person hasn't been given time to think about things in any way. I'm sure it makes some people happy; I am not one of them.

With my son it's the long, meaningful discussions we have later, when we CAN have the long and meaningful discussion, that really means something to him.

ETA: the OP indicated that her child that it seems was being gestured about didn't notice the gesture, but a parent forcing an apology would have brought it to his attention. I'm not sure the OP wanted that.

Which makes it so hard. We have no idea if this little boy has some sort of invisible disability. I totally get the urge to respond to the child (or his parents), but you (general you) don't know the full details.

It's an interesting thought, that the 12 year old might have had something going on as well, and one sort of touched on early in the thread when someone was saying that the never know what their child would say...what if that was the situation happening in the other family? If it coincided with exhaustion, or came on the tails of another situation where they just couldn't handle it, that could have caused the lack of obvious action.

And, ultimately, it WAS a child. 12 isn't an adult. I have 3 younger brothers and at 12 I just never knew what was going to be said by any of them. They could be the sweetest, kindest kids one second, and the next second be utter jerks. As they got older they changed. 12 might look old, but it's most definitely not. 12 year olds are still children.

 

[Schmeck]

Consider the source. It is coming from a 12 year old....

Most parents don't coach their children to pick on people with disabilities. He likely embarrassed them.

Not worth another thought.

I hold 12 year-olds accountable for their actions every day. How else do they learn? It doesn't just pop into their heads one morning. I also find that most of a child's attitude and behavior come directly from the parent.

 

[Princess Disney Mom]

I'd let it go. It's not worth my stress. Now when a child asks I do explain.

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[BroganMc]

I everyone! We just got back from a fabulous stay at The Wilderness Lodge. Only a couple of things bugged me but none of them had to deal with Disney directly. My middle DS(9) is non-verbal autistic. We kept bumping into a family on the bus that consisted of two adults and two children, probably 12 and 10. I joked we must be on the same travel plan. Well, one day on the bus, the 12 year boy said, very loudly, " Hey Dad, Look, its the (and made the nuts sign with his finger) The mom and dad looked uneasy but did not do say anything to him and just ignored him. My heart sank! My son is the most lovable little boy and he knows ASL. I am just glad he didn't see that sign. So, would you have called them out on what their son said or just let it go. I am so tired of having to educate people on Autism but on the other hand if I don't, my son and other autistic will be viewed as less human. Would you have let it go, ignore them, or spoke up?

Oh that's an interesting question. Can I answer it from two perspectives?

I've lived with a very visible physical disability for decades (grew up with JRA as a kid so my body doesn't look or work normal). I simply cannot hide my issues so the stares, comments, questions, etc. are a fact of life for me. I'll tell you what I learned over my lifetime. First, my mom taught me to always treat questions in the most upbeat positive manner possible. Like it or not, I am often a non-disabled person's first and maybe only contact with disability. I'm a good talker and a friendly person so it's my opportunity to be a goodwill ambassador. And she taught me most people ask the dumbest questions or assume the stupidest things because they honestly are clueless. I can straighten them out. So often I just correct the misassumptions and go into my lecture mode. No, I'm not crippled, no I don't hurt ALL the time, no I don't need someone taking care of me every second of the day, yes I can dress, feed, bathe myself, yes I have a job, a family and a life, etc.

But I'm human and sometimes those questions get downright annoying. (Worst was in college when some guy asked if I could have sex. I think I turned three shades of red that time. ) So there are times when I will just ignore a rude or ignorant comment like I would a rude or ignorant driver on the highway. I just don't have the time or energy to waste on such foolishness.

The first decade or two I spent going about with disability I was super sensitive and aware of all those looks and questions. Now I tend to ignore the truly stupid and only notice the genuinely curious. I block out the negative, you see. Makes my psyche a lot happier that way.

Now my other viewpoint is that just because I've grown up with one type of disability doesn't mean I'm not just as clueless and curious as the next person. My new neighbors have a non-verbal autistic son. I haven't a clue how to relate to him or what all their issues are, but I've tried in my own feeble ways to inquire. I usually apologize for asking what I fear is an insensitive question and just hope the mom understands enough to help me out. And that has worked. I use that method with all the people I meet in the world who seem different to me.

In your case, I probably would've been so shocked I didn't react at first. Then it woulda bugged me enough I would have brought the subject up the next time we met. I do think it's important to remember we're talking about a 12 yo boy here. I have several nephews that age and believe me they say the most ignorant things. Just to read what they and they're friends say on Facebook is like Lord of the Flies. Adults really need to be on top of boys that age to civilize them. That's what Grandmas, Moms and Aunts are for. (Dads & Uncles too if they've been properly civilized.)

But in the end, I would just dismiss the thing like you do some idiot who cuts you off on the freeway and blares his horn at you. It's not worth the mental anguish to fret over. Believe me, once you fill your memories and attention with the positive things in life, you'll feel a lot better about yourself and the world.

 

[foxxxy83]

My son's Autistic and I would've spoken up. No offence but I would've felt like knocking their kid into the middle of next week. I don't condone violence but that's how I would've felt inside so I would've HAD to say something. The fact his parents ignored it speaks volumes too so I would've been likely to tell them they need to parent their child better so the child grows up to show respect instead that child is likely to grow up a right moron like SO many people are these days unfortunately. I am SO sorry you had to encounter idiots like that!!

 

[sunshinehighway]

My son's Autistic and I would've spoken up. No offence but I would've felt like knocking their kid into the middle of next week. I don't condone violence but that's how I would've felt inside so I would've HAD to say something. The fact his parents ignored it speaks volumes too so I would've been likely to tell them they need to parent their child better so the child grows up to show respect instead that child is likely to grow up a right moron like SO many people are these days unfortunately. I am SO sorry you had to encounter idiots like that!!

How is a reaction like you describe teaching your own child anything? By reacting that way all you would do was make yourself look bad.

Posters tell stories of their disabled children acting or reacting in ways that upset/offended other people. Can you imagine if those people reacted like you describe?

 

[foxxxy83]

We all deal with situations differently. The question posed originally was what we as a third party would do.. that is what I would do. You do not know my situation and therefore cannot judge me for it. I certainly wouldn't keep quiet about somebody who teaches their child it is ok to disrespect someone and if that makes me look bad then that's a consequence of my personal opinion/actions and something I have no problem at all in taking responsibility for. If our children know nothing about respect, how can the world honestly say they are in the wrong when things go tragically wrong??

 

[ttintagel]

I'm generally too shocked in the moment when I see or hear something over the top like this to actually respond the way I'd like to. I guess it's a symptom of my own privilege as a person with invisible disabilities that are relatively easy to work around.

What I'd like to THINK I'd do if something like this happened is to give the parents an incredibly surprised look, a look that seemed to say, "Did I really just see what I thought I saw? I couldn't possibly have seen that, could I? Do people really still make gestures like that in the 21st century? I MUST have been mistaken about what I thought I saw, because I know it's not 1960!" And then gone back to my business.

 

[ttintagel]

Gah, just read the airport boarding story and that's even worse!

She saw you being pre-boarded at the same time as the person using a wheelchair - anyone who's ever flown before should have realized you were being pre-boarded for medical reasons.
After she kept pestering you, you came right out and TOLD her you were being pre-boarded for medical reasons.

The gate attendant should have had enough backup staff on duty to deal with her so that your husband didn't have to get involved. That should be their job, even though they don't get paid enough for it.

 

[crashbb]

We all deal with situations differently. The question posed originally was what we as a third party would do.. that is what I would do. You do not know my situation and therefore cannot judge me for it. I certainly wouldn't keep quiet about somebody who teaches their child it is ok to disrespect someone and if that makes me look bad then that's a consequence of my personal opinion/actions and something I have no problem at all in taking responsibility for. If our children know nothing about respect, how can the world honestly say they are in the wrong when things go tragically wrong??

But you have no problem judging a family (the ones you planned on insulting) despite not knowing their situation?

Many posters here have children who act (when in public) in ways that other people do not understand, I can only imagine their feelings if someone reacted to their child in the manner you describe.

 

[sunshinehighway]

But you have no problem judging a family (the ones you planned on insulting) despite not knowing their situation?

Many posters here have children who act (when in public) in ways that other people do not understand, I can only imagine their feelings if someone reacted to their child in the manner you describe.

Exactly. That was what I was getting at.

Its not that the situation didn't deserve some type of response. Its just getting so mad you want to hit a 12 year old and saying the kid is going to grow up to be a moron is not the right response.
If you (general you) want people to not judge you or your child, then perhaps they deserve the same. It's entirely possible the kids had something going on beside being a brat. Its also possible he didn't but, the parents were trying to make the situation less awkward by waiting until they were in private to correct the kid.

 

[foxxxy83]

Maybe they were and yes, it is entirely possible. I doubt it but I cannot say it's 100% impossible that the child has some stress in their life. But that is also like saying "it's ok you bullied that child that was a lot more vulnerable than you because you were stressed".

 

[crashbb]

My son's Autistic and I would've spoken up. No offence but I would've felt like knocking their kid into the middle of next week. I don't condone violence but that's how I would've felt inside so I would've HAD to say something. The fact his parents ignored it speaks volumes too so I would've been likely to tell them they need to parent their child better so the child grows up to show respect instead that child is likely to grow up a right moron like SO many people are these days unfortunately. I am SO sorry you had to encounter idiots like that!!

Maybe they were and yes, it is entirely possible. I doubt it but I cannot say it's 100% impossible that the child has some stress in their life. But that is also like saying "it's ok you bullied that child that was a lot more vulnerable than you because you were stressed".

But there are myriad options between those two responses.

 

[bidnow5]

The biggest thing I learned from this board is not to judge people. You don't know any more about the child that offended you about your son then they know about your son. I used to get very angry when a child was acting up till I started reading this board and realized there might be a reason they are acting that way. I have been JUDGED for a long time for invisible disabilities and now have a better appreciation of want others go through. It makes for better vacations not to get upset with others because I don't know the situation

 

[Princess Olivia]

I'm generally too shocked in the moment when I see or hear something over the top like this to actually respond the way I'd like to. I guess it's a symptom of my own privilege as a person with invisible disabilities that are relatively easy to work around.

What I'd like to THINK I'd do if something like this happened is to give the parents an incredibly surprised look, a look that seemed to say, "Did I really just see what I thought I saw? I couldn't possibly have seen that, could I? Do people really still make gestures like that in the 21st century? I MUST have been mistaken about what I thought I saw, because I know it's not 1960!" And then gone back to my business.

I have two autistic children and love how you would have handled it. It's exactly what I would have done.

Just to add...I do not believe anyone wanted to actually hit the child. Sometimes it's just so upsetting, mamma bear automatically comes out. I want to protect my children while wanting to cry at the same time. Feels terrible.

 

[Princess Disney Mom]

Exactly. That was what I was getting at.

Its not that the situation didn't deserve some type of response. Its just getting so mad you want to hit a 12 year old and saying the kid is going to grow up to be a moron is not the right response.
If you (general you) want people to not judge you or your child, then perhaps they deserve the same. It's entirely possible the kids had something going on beside being a brat. Its also possible he didn't but, the parents were trying to make the situation less awkward by waiting until they were in private to correct the kid.

Exactly.

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