What would you have done?

[CoffeeCup]

.You said we both could have handled it differently, so what was it I should have done?

I apologize for offering my opinion and explaining how I would have handled the situation. I thought you wanted my opinion when you asked what you should have done. I did not intend to offend you, and I am sorry I made any comments about your situation.

 

[DOREEN1779]

I apologize for offering my opinion and explaining how I would have handled the situation. I thought you wanted my opinion when you asked what you should have done. I did not intend to offend you, and I am sorry I made any comments about your situation.

I only made that comment after you said that both of us could have handled the situation better. I was trying to make you understand what I was feeling at the time. I was trying to find a way to put you in my shoes and attempt to understand the frustration. I was also being sarcastic and now see I only fueled the fire. I appreciate your apology. No worries!

 

[DOREEN1779]

I can relate to this. I have a son with autism and at times have reacted differently to this kind of situation, depending on my level of emotional energy. It is so painful to be in this situation, sometimes it was just easier to say nothing, and go on with the day, despite how deeply sad you are at that moment for your child, your family, how much you love them and you want to protect them from this very thing. You want others to see what you see in your child and it hurts to understand that almost certainly behind that other childs jesture is the probability that there was a conversation in that family, complete with adults participation. My son is now 21, and in the begining, it was harder for me to react because I was so hurt. I didn't want my son to be hurt, so it felt easier to not say anything, or worse, pretend I didn't hear or see stuff. But, my non reaction caused me guilt. I felt I had not protected my son. Over the years, I found it more helpful for me and my son to be more forthright in these matters. I cannot change the fact that he has autism and now, he knows what he has, he knows how some people will react, It is empowering because now we have the ability to freely address these kinds of reactions. If it's education about autism that was lacking, well they have now opened the door. And maybe it was the parents ignorance or maybe their kid came to that conclusion on his own (less likely) but either way, I have found that many people are receptive to learning about autism and so maybe the next autistic kid they run across they would look and maybe think, oh, he probably just has autism and maybe understand. Maybe, but at the end of the day, I have learned to do what is best for Me and My Son. That is, to stand up in the face of ignorance and educate.

This is the kind of story I wanted to hear. You expressed to me something I have been feeling myself and was unable to articulate. Thank you for sharing.

 

[KPeveler]

It is not uncommon for kids who should know better (and adults for that matter too) to say something and have the parent not say anything to correct them. I can say that when someone says something offensive to me or someone around me, I tend to say something polite, educating, but very to the point. If I am talking to a child, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt.

However, a 12 year old in the OP is old enough to know better. And when I have adults say or do something very offensive like this, I say something polite, educating, and say it like I am speaking to a 5 year old.

Basically I would have looked at the parents and said something to the effect of "There is a difference between mental illness and autism. My child is autistic, and that is a disability. It is never okay to make fun of people who have a disability, or a mental illness. When you get home, maybe you can look up autism and the whole family can learn about it, and why it is not the same thing as 'crazy.' "

I do not yell at the person and I would completely ignore anything said to me after that - basically it would not matter if any of them talked to me for hours - I just ignore them, unless it is an apology.

For example, just the other day, I was in DL about to ride Small World. I was waiting for a little boy (about age 5) in a wheelchair to get off the wheelchair boat so I could board. He was a typical little boy, big smile on his face, in a custom Colours chair, so he was obviously just having a normal day on vacation.

A woman standing with a party that was using the accessible entrance for whatever reason (there was no wheelchair user in the group and I have no idea what the disability was or who had it) saw him go by with his family and looked at him with the most condescending pity and said out loud "Oh, that's so sad!"

I stopped, turned to look up at her and said loud enough for her party, two parties surrounding us, and all the IASW CMs to hear (but not shouting)- "Actually, he looked quite happy to me." And then I just ignored her and rolled onto the ride. When I looked back, everyone was kind of staring at her.

Luckily, it seemed like the boy either did not hear her or had no idea what she was saying.

I was not going to lecture her on why what she said was condescending, ableist, rude, and generally stupid. I did not have time to educate her on the world of disabilities, since obviously she needed it. But I just said one thing which is polite and then went on my way.

Whenever I am dealing with situations involving people I am not with, like that little boy, I waited until he was no longer in the immediate area to say something. Not only did I not want him to know something stupid had been said, but I also wanted to give the family a chance to say something if they were going to, and not embarrass them either.

So, there is generally no good way to handle a situation like the OP's, but in my experience, saying something that is polite, but still points out their stupidity makes me feel better without starting anything. But that is just my opinion and what works with my temperament. Everyone is different.

 

[DVCismyhappyplace]

Which makes it so hard. We have no idea if this little boy has some sort of invisible disability. I totally get the urge to respond to the child (or his parents), but you (general you) don't know the full details.

Exactly this. I have a nephew who has a disability. He sometimes says VERY inappropriate things in public. Looking at him, you'd never know that what comes out of his mouth is beyond his control. Unfortunately, if my brother or someone else tries to "correct" him, the situation gets out of hand very quickly. As embarrassing as it is to his parents sometimes, they just have learned that they need to ignore the inappropriateness.

 

[Disfanx4]

I have 2 daughters with ASD and take every opportunity to educate others, with a simple she has Autism actually you will find a lot of very interesting facts if you look it up on the Internet.

 

[Nixie]

I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. By reading this thread, I see it is not an uncommon occurance. I do not know how I would handle it at all. I know how I would handle my child saying something inappropriate (which happens quite often with my son). I would tell him right away while we are still in the situation that it is not appropriate. If an apology is needed, he would be giving one.

I am sadden by how many stories on this thread about people being treated rudely because they don't have a visible disability. I don't understand why other people think it is okay for themselves to be the police of handicapped spots, or FP lines, or special boarding for planes, etc.

 

[DisMom1981]

Doreen you are not alone! People can be insensitive and rude and can treat me like my child is a reflection of poor parenting. Some people are strangers who see a child that looks typical- and some are family/friends who should know better. In WDW we had an incident at an outdoor seating restaurant. A bird came by dd 2 and she freaked out. This set off ASD DS 4 and he literally started screaming and running through the dining area chasing the bird and meanwhile dd is screaming crying. Of course DH was in the bathroom at this moment. And im getting stares like- do something with your rude, out of control child. I didn't say anything- I wasn't going to take on a room of people. I think sometimes not saying something protects my son- let people think I suck as a parent and not that something is challenging my child - I know that is incorrect, but the day to day with him can be challenging enough- I'm human and can't be the advocate/educator/parent/child trainer of the world. An hey, sometimes I make mistakes too. So don't be hard on yourself for not saying something on the bus/monorail (I forget which one). I've been there.

Sent from my iPhone using DISBoards

 

[DOREEN1779]

Doreen you are not alone! People can be insensitive and rude and can treat me like my child is a reflection of poor parenting. Some people are strangers who see a child that looks typical- and some are family/friends who should know better. In WDW we had an incident at an outdoor seating restaurant. A bird came by dd 2 and she freaked out. This set off ASD DS 4 and he literally started screaming and running through the dining area chasing the bird and meanwhile dd is screaming crying. Of course DH was in the bathroom at this moment. And im getting stares like- do something with your rude, out of control child. I didn't say anything- I wasn't going to take on a room of people. I think sometimes not saying something protects my son- let people think I suck as a parent and not that something is challenging my child - I know that is incorrect, but the day to day with him can be challenging enough- I'm human and can't be the advocate/educator/parent/child trainer of the world. An hey, sometimes I make mistakes too. So don't be hard on yourself for not saying something on the bus/monorail (I forget which one). I've been there.

Sent from my iPhone using DISBoards

Totally understand. Almost identical experience with a squirrel at Joe's Crab Shack.

 

[Lsdolphin]

I come to Disney with my young adult nephew. He has ASD, OCD, BiPolar Disorder, and some vision issues as well. We frequently have problems with buses as he does not have the balance to stand on a moving bus we often wait for multiple buses as people rush to get on. Śometimes people waiting for the bus will see him pacing and talking to himself and will allow us to get on first. But mośt of the time if you are not in a wheel chair you are not considered handicapped. I am thinking of renting a car for our next trip to ávoid buses.
Because he is 6ft tall and is constantly pacing and talking to himself we do get a lot of stares and I háve even had people move away from us. Thankfully, most people are friendly and seem understanding.

 

[twinmom1107]

My son has cerebral palsy and is in a wheelchair. He's 15 and the most amazing blessing or family could ever ask for! Most times than not, if someone stares - my son who does have I/DD will take the initiative to say hello on his own. If not, I will say hello for him and draw them in to a conversation. It's probably not what they're looking for but it's what they get from us! Most times it has a very good outcome. But not always. If they are just rude or nasty - I have to confess we've been known to "put a bumper on them". Not proud, but feels good for a minute or two. It just so hard sometimes when you love your child so so much and someone looks at them like they are less than they are. Especially when you don't see them as having a disability. You see them as they are - perfect.

 

[BigAlsGal]

Which makes it so hard. We have no idea if this little boy has some sort of invisible disability. I totally get the urge to respond to the child (or his parents), but you (general you) don't know the full details.

Agree! How awkward would it have been for the OP to scold the offending child by saying "well he's not nuts, he has autism and you shouldn't say mean things like that" only to have the parents respond with "I'm so sorry, my son is also on the autism spectrum and says really mean things sometimes".

Doh!

 

[IndianaPrincess]

There was one time that I stood up for my son in a situation like this. I just did it without thinking. My son looks "normal" and his behaviors mostly come off like a really naughty and/or rude kid. I usually just accept this and also accept that strangers think we're crappy parents.

Okay, but the one time I said something...

My son uses a big kid stroller that looks just like a regular stroller. He doesn't need it day to day, but he for sure needs it for vacation (gives him his space, lets him check out and the rest of us can keep going, prevents meltdowns, etc). So we are making our way through the airport and my son and husband are about 20 feet in front of me and my daughter. A group of teenage girls pass us and one of them says "Did you see that? I can't believe that kid was like 7 years old in a stroller!" So without thinking, I shout back "He's special needs. Thanks for caring enough to talk about him."

It was TOTAL reflex.

 

[1000HappyWishes]

There was one time that I stood up for my son in a situation like this. I just did it without thinking. My son looks "normal" and his behaviors mostly come off like a really naughty and/or rude kid. I usually just accept this and also accept that strangers think we're crappy parents.

Okay, but the one time I said something...

My son uses a big kid stroller that looks just like a regular stroller. He doesn't need it day to day, but he for sure needs it for vacation (gives him his space, lets him check out and the rest of us can keep going, prevents meltdowns, etc). So we are making our way through the airport and my son and husband are about 20 feet in front of me and my daughter. A group of teenage girls pass us and one of them says "Did you see that? I can't believe that kid was like 7 years old in a stroller!" So without thinking, I shout back "He's special needs. Thanks for caring enough to talk about him."

It was TOTAL reflex.

I've done this before. My younger brother has violence problems (directed towards me or children younger than him) so if we go out in public, it look silly, but we sometimes have to put a child leash on him to prevent him from smacking little kids around. We get a lot of stares and sometimes it just gets bothersome.

 

[2girlsmom]

OP, I get why you didn't say something, but it is definitely a hard thing for the non ASD child to understand. We have some similiar issues with our 13 year old who doesn't quite understand when it is appropriate to stay quiet vs standing up for her 15 year old ASD sister. I am thankful that my 15 year old is verbal, but when she melts down for seemingly nothing things, and people make comments, it is sometimes easier to let them think what they will. Plus, I find a lot of times, they don't get it even with explanation. We had this recently, when we went to pick up my dd15 schedule at the high school and her counselor commented on that Meag needed to work harder this year and get her grades up. I answered back that, as she knew, last year the school wasn't meeting Meag's accomodations in her IEP, so I was certainly hopeful that this year the SCHOOL would do what they were supposed to instead of expecting an ASD child to be able to handle the classroom without her assistance. She still wanted to make it my dd's "fault" that she struggled last year, and that if she would have "worked harder" she would have been fine. Umm, NO, she DID work hard last year.

 

[IndianaPrincess]

OP, I get why you didn't say something, but it is definitely a hard thing for the non ASD child to understand. We have some similiar issues with our 13 year old who doesn't quite understand when it is appropriate to stay quiet vs standing up for her 15 year old ASD sister. I am thankful that my 15 year old is verbal, but when she melts down for seemingly nothing things, and people make comments, it is sometimes easier to let them think what they will. Plus, I find a lot of times, they don't get it even with explanation. We had this recently, when we went to pick up my dd15 schedule at the high school and her counselor commented on that Meag needed to work harder this year and get her grades up. I answered back that, as she knew, last year the school wasn't meeting Meag's accomodations in her IEP, so I was certainly hopeful that this year the SCHOOL would do what they were supposed to instead of expecting an ASD child to be able to handle the classroom without her assistance. She still wanted to make it my dd's "fault" that she struggled last year, and that if she would have "worked harder" she would have been fine. Umm, NO, she DID work hard last year.

I wish there was a "like" button. I think you handled that very well. Good for you for not letting her comment fly.

 

[Schmeck]

Agree! How awkward would it have been for the OP to scold the offending child by saying "well he's not nuts, he has autism and you shouldn't say mean things like that" only to have the parents respond with "I'm so sorry, my son is also on the autism spectrum and says really mean things sometimes".

Doh!

Saying mean things is not a condition of autism. Even a child with autism should be corrected when being cruel. That being said, after reading all the responses, I want to let you all know that I will be trying my hardest not to respond in kind, as I stated I would do earlier. You've given me some "food for thought" as well. Thank you.

 

[KPeveler]

Good point Schmeck about the "food for thought..." We always want to protect our children or others we identify with. I try very hard not to say something mean or even directed at the other person, but more "educating" about the situation at hand.

I have had kids with autism do things that are not acceptable, even by "spectrum standards' (that is, i may not pay attention to a kid who wants to feel the texture of my tires, but I will say something to the parent if the kid hits or grabs me). I just ask the child (and parent within hearing distance) to stop what they are doing, that it is not nice/that it hurts/that is it not ok.

When someone says something rude about a person, and no one was injured or could have been injured in the incident, it is really hard not to tell the person off.

My preferred method of dealing with rude people who should know better (I put people above age 12 in this category) is to educate them as to why they are ignorant bigots (obviously without using those words), using words as if I was speaking to a 5 year old. Basically I say politely and without sarcasm or condescension something to the effect of "He is autistic and epileptic, so he uses this as a wheelchair. We call this a special needs stroller. See how it is made for a bigger kid. This lets us take care of kids who do not or cannot use a wheelchair like mine."

I would say this to a kid who asked a question - I get questions from kids all the time about my wheelchair and I am happy to answer. Kids are not asking out of pity or cruelty - they actually want to learn. Adults, who can read all about wheelchairs and everything on the internet, are a different story.

I have discovered that adults do not like being spoken to like a child, but as long as I do not "talk down to them" (like using a higher pitched voice like when you talk to a baby) or be sarcastic, there is very little they can do about it.

Here is something that happened to me in DL last week. I was in the smaller of the two disabled stalls in the restroom. A woman with a scooter was in the bigger one. As she was trying to back her scooter out, a family with a stroller was in her way, would not move, complained about how long it took her to get out of the stall, etc. The woman in the scooter said something to the effect of "You are making it very hard for me to get out. And using this stall just to change clothes with the stroller makes it hard for people with disabilities. These stalls are for disabilities."

The woman with the kid/stroller just said "yeah, whatever." And then began helping her daughter change out of her Jasmine outfit - not even a potty break, but a changing room!!!

I said from the next stall over "It is not "whatever" to those of us in wheelchair or with other disabilities. It means we have to wait much longer when regular stalls are open. So it is not "whatever" for us to sit out there waiting and pee our pants because you like to bring the stroller in with you."

The woman did not reply in English, but I know enough Spanish to know she called me very non-Disney names. What I said is true, and I did not speak down or in an angry voice. I just said it like we were having a conversation...

It is hard to call people out, because I cannot tell if they have a disability just by looking. I was responding to what she said. But there are times even I have assumed that a person did not need to be in the handicapped stall, based on two pairs of feet, and the kid seemed big enough to go on their own. Then a woman and a girl with Down Syndrome walked out. SO glad I did not say anything!

 

[Aladora]

I would say this to a kid who asked a question - I get questions from kids all the time about my wheelchair and I am happy to answer. Kids are not asking out of pity or cruelty - they actually want to learn.

Not to derail this thread, but can I ask you a question, Katy?

My son is autistic, high functioning and getting to be quite verbal, at least by his standards. However, becoming verbal also means asking a lot of questions, some of them are not what I would deem appropriate.

He has in the past looked at someone in a wheelchair and asked "mom, what's wrong with that person?" After I get over wanting the earth to swallow me up, I usually try to explain that there is nothing "wrong" but that their body might not work the same as his.

Here is my question, how truly insulting is it to you when kids ask questions like that? He's 8 but looks younger and definitely sounds younger. Am I just being overly cautious about what he says?

TIA for answering this!

OP, sorry to hijack this thread!

 

[KPeveler]

Not to derail this thread, but can I ask you a question, Katy?

My son is autistic, high functioning and getting to be quite verbal, at least by his standards. However, becoming verbal also means asking a lot of questions, some of them are not what I would deem appropriate.

He has in the past looked at someone in a wheelchair and asked "mom, what's wrong with that person?" After I get over wanting the earth to swallow me up, I usually try to explain that there is nothing "wrong" but that their body might not work the same as his.

Here is my question, how truly insulting is it to you when kids ask questions like that? He's 8 but looks younger and definitely sounds younger. Am I just being overly cautious about what he says?

TIA for answering this!

OP, sorry to hijack this thread!

I never find it insulting when a kid asks a question. When I said "I would say this to a kid" I meant that I word things as if I was speaking to a younger person, which really annoys rude adults.

If I find a question too personal or rude, even if a kid asks it, I will tell them that it is not a polite or nice question to ask (I will still answer it if i can). Usually this falls in the realm of questions about my toileting habits.

The only thing that can get annoying is when I answer a question or two, but the parent never steps in or whatever and I end up talking to a kid for a long time, answering lots of questions, when there is something else I should be doing or want to be doing (like talking to members of my party or whatever).

I think your answer is very good, about saying nothing is wrong with us. That is a very good answer. And generally, people in wheelchairs don't mind a question or two. As I said, the only time it gets annoying is if it just keeps going and keeps me from doing something else...

There are a few people who really do not want to answer questions, so sometimes you need to be prepared for a person to say they do not want to talk about it...

But I will always answer a kid's question. Kids are never insulting, even when I start getting compared to grandma. They are naturally curious and not asking out of pity or a macabre desire, like staring at a car wreck - kids genuinely want to know. Usually the only time I end up getting insulted is when a parent says something stupid!

This is how kid's learn about disabilities and how to see us as people first, and not see the wheelchair first.

Kids are ok. Adults are sometimes ok, but only when other conversation is established. An adult should be able to figure out how to talk to me for a minute or two before asking for my medical history. But kids are always ok - they just want to learn.