Skimpy Teen Clothing: Opinions?

[katiebug86]

Personally I think then your Dneph needs to be the one to say something. If your Mom is so old fashioned (as you say) then your Dneph should know this and he should know enough to talk to DGF.

I said not so old fashioned. lol, but yes we were debating on talking to DNEPH or my SIL.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I said not so old fashioned. lol, but yes we were debating on talking to DNEPH or my SIL.

Oh- I didn't mean that being old fashioned is a bad thing- I still dress nice for church (I'm quite old fashioned in many ways and very proud of it!)- I just figured that dneph would already know what is expected of him from his family so he should have caught on that her clothes were, well, lacking.

 

[badblackpug]

Wow - it always amazes me how a thread can get all turned around.

I have 15 year old girls that work for me part-time. They go out and get themselves lunch, applied for the jobs themselves, are in charge of their schedules and making sure they let me know when they need days off, etc. I will not ever tolerate parental interference when it comes to a job in my store. If you believe your child is old enough to work, then it's up to them to apply, be dressed appropriately, be on time and handle themselves appropriately. It's not mommy or daddy's job to "check up on them".

If they are capable of doing all the above, they are capable of going to a mall or a boutique on their own, with their girlfriends to be, well, GIRLS! That doesn't mean they can do whatever they want. That doesn't mean they act like wild women. That means, as long as they act appropriately, keep their grades up, show maturity and responsibility, they should be able to spread their wings further and further.

There is absolutely no reason, short of living in a gang-ridden psycho area, that a normal 15 or 16 year old teenager should not be able to shop for an hour or two with girlfriends, grab some lunch or a movie on their own and do what teens are supposed to do - GROW UP!

That doesn't mean there are no rules and standards. Freedom and responsibility, in measured doses as a child grows are necessary to ensuring a child can grow into a mature, responsible and self-reliant adult.

My daughter will be a 15 year old Junior in High School. She will be a 16 year old Senior. And, she will be leaving my home at 17 years old (actually, she already leaves my home to go to summer camp for the past three summers). When, exactly, should I let her go out on her own with friends? When she's hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away from home at college - or here, where I can watch her from a distance. Where she's still in her comfort zone, in a place that's familiar with familiar people?

I'm 44 years old and I still meet my mother once a week for a shopping and lunch date. We've been doing it since I was in Elementary School. I also started shopping on my own, with my girlfriends, beginning in 7th grade. It's how I learned how to be a responsible shopper, a social person and have some fun with my mom and then separately, with my friends. I do the same with my now 9 year old daughter and I've done the same with my now 15 and 20 year old sons. I hope my daughter and I continue the tradition until she is 44++ years old.

I just can't see never allowing my children to ever buy anything on their own or go out with their friends alone until they're 18 years old. It simply is just an unbelievable concept to me. Does it end at 18?

Again, you are making the assumption that because I do not allow this one thing I do not allow her to do anything. I am not sure how you can jump to the conclusion that I am keeping my kids practically duct taped in the basement in a burqa because I don't let them go to the mall by themselves. Sheesh, methinks we are getting a little extreme here!

Have you seen the crime statistics in Philadelphia? You wouldn't let your kids go either!

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

Again, you are making the assumption that because I do not allow this one thing I do not allow her to do anything. I am not sure how you can jump to the conclusion that I am keeping my kids practically duct taped in the basement in a burqa because I don't let them go to the mall by themselves. Sheesh, methinks we are getting a little extreme here!

Have you seen the crime statistics in Philadelphia? You wouldn't let your kids go either!

Well, if you read my post, you would have seen the part where I exactly said if one lived in an area with violence (I said gang psycho area), I would understand not allowing one's children out in public without an adult. I didn't realize Philadelphia was so unsafe. Is it more unsafe then NYC? I ask, because my sons both went to NYC with friends as teens (beginning at 15 or so). I went to NYC as a teen with friends.

I live in an area with beautiful boutiques and shopping areas in nice towns in addition to malls I consider safe enough for teens to not only work in but also visit with their friends. I mean, reality is anything can happen anywhere at anytime. 9/11 is never far from our minds, and everyday crimes occur everywhere - even in the "safest" of areas (i.e. Disney World).

Considering all this, I'm curious, since I don't live in an area where teens are not allowed in malls (geez, I think the GNP of Long Island would catastrophically plummet if teens were not allowed in malls without their parents) - who exactly works in the malls in Philadelphia? I can't see a mother of two part-timing at Abercrombie, Hollister or Gilly Hicks. Don't 15, 16 and 17 year olds work in your malls and fast food restaurants? Must their parents accompany them to work?

It just seems bizarre to me - where do kids go without their parents? Here, we have tons of beaches and villages and parks and shopping areas, movies, skating, etc. My son (15) walks "downtown" after school with his friends and goes to a local restaurant for a snack (he's been allowed to do this since he was 12). They might walk over to the library (which has a cool teen section) or down to the waterfront. They might shop or grab an ice cream. To me, this is what teens do. It's developmentally appropriate for them to want to be with each other.

I know all my kids' friends. I always know where they are. My kids know they can trust me and I know I can trust them. With each level of growth, we've all learned to take a deep breath and move forward.

In any event - I'm perfectly happy with the choices my dh and I have made raising our children. They are independent (my oldest lived in Africa for 2 months, backpacked through Europe, my middle guy is on a whitewater trip somewhere in Quebec, as I type this, my youngest, all of 9, is on her third summer at sleepaway camp where she takes care of herself better than many 20 year olds), responsible, have never given us any reason not to trust them, etc. Do I want to keep them here, under my thumb, you betcha! It would certainly be easier on my stress levels - but, it would be a disservice to my children. I birthed them. I don't own them. It's my job to give them roots to depend on and wings to fly.

Sorry, we're just going to have to agree to disagree.

 

[SunKat]

OK, since we're talking skimpy teen clothing here, I've noticed a trend here that I find a bit disturbing. My daughter will be twelve in a few weeks and she and I have both noticed her peers posing in their bikinis and posting the photo's on their myspace. Now, I'm not talking about a picture of them swimming or at the beach in their bikinis. These photo's are taken in their bedroom or outside by the pool - with them attempting "sexy" poses. Their moms actually allow this - in fact my neighbor took the photo of her daughter with her friends posing. Maybe I'm a prude but there is no WAY I'd let my daughter do that!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

OK, since we're talking skimpy teen clothing here, I've noticed a trend here that I find a bit disturbing. My daughter will be twelve in a few weeks and she and I have both noticed her peers posing in their bikinis and posting the photo's on their myspace. Now, I'm not talking about a picture of them swimming or at the beach in their bikinis. These photo's are taken in their bedroom or outside by the pool - with them attempting "sexy" poses. Their moms actually allow this - in fact my neighbor took the photo of her daughter with her friends posing. Maybe I'm a prude but there is no WAY I'd let my daughter do that!

Nope. Not prude. There is no way on earth I would even let my child post a picture of themselves let alone in a bathing suit. Maybe the neighbors think it is cute/funny but don't realize the implication of it?

 

[badblackpug]

OK, since we're talking skimpy teen clothing here, I've noticed a trend here that I find a bit disturbing. My daughter will be twelve in a few weeks and she and I have both noticed her peers posing in their bikinis and posting the photo's on their myspace. Now, I'm not talking about a picture of them swimming or at the beach in their bikinis. These photo's are taken in their bedroom or outside by the pool - with them attempting "sexy" poses. Their moms actually allow this - in fact my neighbor took the photo of her daughter with her friends posing. Maybe I'm a prude but there is no WAY I'd let my daughter do that!

I'll probaby get blasted for this too, but MySpace is strictly forbidden. Too many internet pedophiles.

I live in a small town outside of Philadelphia now. The local mall has restictions on unaccompanied minors in the mall, I don't know about employees. Most of the people I see working in the smaller stores seem to be college age (or maybe I am just assuming that) We have several universities in the area.

Philadelphia is easily accessed by public transport. The mall requires a bus change in "questionable" area.

That being said, My oldest is alowed to go to the small shops that make up our "business district." But there are no real clothing stores. Mostly little cafe's and some artsy/craftsy places, a movie theater and a nail salon (a great favorite with the girls) The are a 4 block walk from my house. I have no issue with my oldest (and my 10 year old if she is with the oldest) going here, unaccompanied. The mall is a different story.

 

[mommyof2princesses]

I heven't read everything, but wanted to say:

Myspace is forbidden in my house, for now. DD13 has a select group of websites she visits that we approved. She does go to other websites for school work, but recreational web surfing has it's limits right now.

We do not let her wear anything she wants. I take her shopping and we decide together. She does like skirts, but we require them to be fingertip length. We had a very hard time finding shorts. In fact, we only bought one pair because everywhere we went only had shorty shorts. It is ridiculous how hard it was. I do make most of dd4's clothing, so my mom and I made her some shorts and dresses. We of course had to make them cool!

I don't think we are strict, we are jsut parents and it is our job to raise our children to be respecful adults.

 

[leagirl12]

I'll probaby get blasted for this too, but MySpace is strictly forbidden. Too many internet pedophiles.
QUOTE]

No blast from here just a Woo Hoo Good Job!!!!!

I have no problem with MySpace at an appropriate age but I hear too much about 12 and 13 yo's that lie about their age and have a MySpace page....and their parents condone it. Crazy in my opinion!!!

 

[kcromley]

well, not to discourage the Long Island poster, but the ability to take expensive vacations paid for the by parents is hardly evidence of your childrens' maturity or independence. With enough financial resources, anyone of almost any age could do the trips you mentioned. Now if the kids had earned some of the money themselves for the trips/camp, that would impress me. But just travelling to Africa or Quebec or fancy camp? Just takes a check and a willingness to send the kids off.

 

[mommyof2princesses]

I wanted to add that my dd13 really wants to do certain tours at disney. She has a small job down the street taking care of dogs. She has earned enough money to do her tours. She is a very independent girl. We have instilled these values into her. Work hard for something you want. Be responsible. Treat others with respect.... She even pays for most of her own clothes, but knows what is allowed in our house. We did let her get a bikini, but she only wears it at our neighborhood pool which she can only go to with an adult. (Pool rules and I like them just fine!)

Also, I lived in Long Island for a long time and would not let my dd13 go to RFM or Smithhaven mall alone. They are pretty malls, but I don't think either of these malls are truly safe! Of course I live near a very big mall that is a tourist attraction in my state. On a weekday I will let her walk to a few stores on her own as long as I am in the mall! Never on a weekend!

 

[mjkacmom]

well, not to discourage the Long Island poster, but the ability to take expensive vacations paid for the by parents is hardly evidence of your childrens' maturity or independence. With enough financial resources, anyone of almost any age could do the trips you mentioned. Now if the kids had earned some of the money themselves for the trips/camp, that would impress me. But just travelling to Africa or Quebec or fancy camp? Just takes a check and a willingness to send the kids off.

I totally disagree. As much as I allow dd12 freedom to go places with friends, without adults (deli for lunch, local street fair), she's just not an adventurer. I did get her to travel with SIL for 3 weeks this summer, and fly home into NYC alone, but I can't imagine her travelling to Africa, even years from now. We're 10 miles from NYC, and she hates cities - she has her comfort level. I'm hoping that in JH, where she will be in a very competative concert choir, and travel, that she'll be more relaxed.

I can't imagine how dependent she would be on me if I hovered! Now, ds10, I totally see going to Africa.

 

[kcromley]

I'm sure she would manage just fine if she had to or wanted to. My best friend was sent to overnight Swiss nursery camp for a week in 1965, at age 3, and again at age 5. No, she wasn't particularly mature, sophisticated,or independent; she was a preschooler. All it took was a check and a willingness on the parents' part to do it.

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

well, not to discourage the Long Island poster, but the ability to take expensive vacations paid for the by parents is hardly evidence of your childrens' maturity or independence. With enough financial resources, anyone of almost any age could do the trips you mentioned. Now if the kids had earned some of the money themselves for the trips/camp, that would impress me. But just travelling to Africa or Quebec or fancy camp? Just takes a check and a willingness to send the kids off.

My oldest son paid for his entire trip to Africa from his own money earned by working part-time at restaurants and at our store. He spent over $5,000 of his own money to "luxuriously" volunteer in a village in Ghana which had no plumbing, no running water, where he had to walk 15 miles to buy his bagged water. He also paid for his entire trip to Europe where he luxuriously stayed in youth hostels, handled his own money, currency exchanges, etc.

And, even if we had paid for the trip - to be able to travel internationally, to live in the wilderness, to be responsible for flights, money, security, etc. all of those things take an independence and maturity not found in many teens these days.

Sorry - you truly have no idea what you're speaking of. The majority of teens today do not learn the skill necessary to live life.

 

[kcromley]

I'm delighted your child earned the money to finance the trip, and yes, travel abroad is most certainly a luxury, even when doing charitable work. I'm sure the next generation will manage just fine; I have faith in today's young people.

 

[NotUrsula]

Considering all this, I'm curious, since I don't live in an area where teens are not allowed in malls (geez, I think the GNP of Long Island would catastrophically plummet if teens were not allowed in malls without their parents) - who exactly works in the malls in Philadelphia? I can't see a mother of two part-timing at Abercrombie, Hollister or Gilly Hicks. Don't 15, 16 and 17 year olds work in your malls and fast food restaurants? Must their parents accompany them to work?

Well, I'm not in Philadelphia, but in my area, the stores give out ID's to underaged employees. If they can show an employee ID to the entrance guards, then they are allowed in without an older escort. (Here the escort must be 21 or over -- doesn't have to be a parent. The policy is only in effect on weekend evenings, not all day every day.) Remember that this curfew rule was not created to protect the teens; it was created to protect other shoppers from harassment BY the teens. Presumably a teen who is actually working won't be harassing store patrons.

As for teens being able to navigate on their own around town, or out of town for that matter, I'm all for it, but it's getting very rare here since the infamous Shawn Hornbeck case. The P-D even ran this article last week about how overprotective parents here and elsewhere are getting to be: http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/ne...C50BC280B3014C5B8625749600102936?OpenDocument

You might think it's contradictory of me to approve of letting teens out on their own as much as possible, but insist on their changing to appropriate clothing when they are out with me. I don't think so. To me, the second scenario is more about understanding expectations and making concessions when asking an adult for a favor.

 

[Disneygirl26]

I live in Philadelphia, and my now DD16 has been going to the mall, to the movies, skating with friends since she was 14. I also give her my credit card to go shopping; I set a limit she’s never gone over. I live around the corner from back, I’ve sent her to deposit checks and get money from the ATM, I don't see what the big deal is, How else is she going to learn how to do these things, when I 10 years old I was allow to ride all over the city using public transportation, my parent had rules and boundaries, they were teaching us to become independent, I think children should be allowed certain age appropriate freedoms, you can’t lump them all together, while its ok for a 14 year old to go the mall, I don’t think a 12 should be in the mall alone. I think if a child can hold a job in a mall they should be allowed to shop there without their parents. I’m leery of people who don’t allow there 15 or 16 to go to the mall alone, that’s strange to me, If not at 15 or 16 what age do you allow your kids to go to the mall and other places without? I enjoy shopping with my daughter, but how is she ever going to learn to pick out appropriate clothing and how to shop for bargains and things on that line, if I’m always standing over her with my credit card

 

[Nie0214]

I'm curious as to how some of your kids shop with your credit card. When I worked in retail I checked every single card & corresponding signature. If the signatures didn't match, I declined the sale and informed the customer that they would need to pay another way.

There were some people who sign the back of their card with "See ID", and would yell at me for asking to see their ID. There were many other people who would say "thank you for checking" though.

 

[Disneygirl26]

I'm curious as to how some of your kids shop with your credit card. When I worked in retail I checked every single card & corresponding signature. If the signatures didn't match, I declined the sale and informed the customer that they would need to pay another way.

There were some people who sign the back of their card with "See ID", and would yell at me for asking to see their ID. There were many other people who would say "thank you for checking" though.

Nowasdays you have to slide your own care through the machine so they don't ask for ID, the only time stores ask for ID is if you have to hand the card to the sales person.

 

[Nie0214]

Nowasdays you have to slide your own care through the machine so they don't ask for ID, the only time stores ask for ID is if you have to hand the card to the sales person.

I still asked to see the card so I could see the back of it (the signature). It's policy. (I worked retail less than a year ago.)