Don't lknow what to do about my husbands family....vent long!

[imthatgirl]

Add me to the family comes first group.




I was wondering about this as well.



Then why are you venting about it here?



Of course one of you would work.

The bride would have just found someone to replace you in the wedding party.

1. because when we go we usually open it up to anyone who wants to go. We own a house down there. We stay in the parks...but really don't care who wants to use the house.
2. because I was aggrevated with my 14yo sil and her acting like a princess. the wedding thing wasn't that big a deal which is why it's barely in the OP.
3. she already has a wedding party of 24(12 and 12) without us. I think she has already asked every damn person she knows...so having just my husband would mean her coming up with yet another person.

 

[disneyjunkie]

1. because when we go we usually open it up to anyone who wants to go. We own a house down there. We stay in the parks...but really don't care who wants to use the house.
2. because I was aggrevated with my 14yo sil and her acting like a princess. the wedding thing wasn't that big a deal which is why it's barely in the OP.
3. she already has a wedding party of 24(12 and 12) without us. I think she has already asked every damn person she knows...so having just my husband would mean her coming up with yet another person.

You and your husband could have said no, and just let your daughter take party in the weddings.

That would have saved you a ton of money and the family would have been happy.

 

[imthatgirl]

You and your husband could have said no, and just let your daughter take party in the weddings.

That would have saved you a ton of money and the family would have been happy.

But we didn't...in fact it was never brought up. when my husband called his sisters to tell them we wouldn't be in them they never asked about her., and we didn't offer it. There really is no need for her to be in them. They have more then enough people standing up for them, and my daughter wasn't overly thrilled with wearing a dress and being the center of attention to begin with....so it wasn't even an issue.

 

[lurkernj]

2. because I was aggrevated with my 14yo sil and her acting like a princess. the wedding thing wasn't that big a deal which is why it's barely in the OP.
3. she already has a wedding party of 24(12 and 12) without us. I think she has already asked every damn person she knows...so having just my husband would mean her coming up with yet another person.[/QUOTE]

Wow! opened this thread by accident and it's like a trainwreck, I couldn't look away.

I think people were so shocked by the nonchalance(sp?) of the vacation/wedding issue that no one really took much note of the 14yr olds problem. I must admit I had to read that twice. I know you say it's two different issues, but if I were your SILs, I would perceive it the same way as the majority here, "my wedding isn't important to you". Kind of like my BIL who won't chip in for a gift for MIL/FIL citing finances, but will go buy a new computer, motorcycle, or whatever the toy that month is. Or SIL who won't go on MIL/FILs 50th anniversary cruise, but is planning a cruise with another family. Just comes across as selfish to most of us, though I'm sure they can justify their behavior in their own minds.(just to clarify, MIL/FIL are the sweetest people, not deserving of their children's selfish behavior)

Obviously it's your right to spend your money as you wish, but it's SILs right to be hurt, and for others to perceive this as anything but ok(since it's on a public forum).

 

[disykat]

Obviously it's your right to spend your money as you wish, but it's SILs right to be hurt, and for others to perceive this as anything but ok(since it's on a public forum).

It's also okay for the OP and the MANY people here who have agreed with her to have their opinions. People seem to be forgetting that. I find it comical that post after post keeps berating the OP claiming that she is not listening to their side and getting angry when the OP or anyone else defends her side. Isn't that doing the same thing they claim OP is doing?

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

imthatgirl,
I know that you feel bad b/c it seems to his little sister that you guys are "being the bad people" b/c you won't bring her. But really, she's 14, I would NEVER expect my big brother (even at the age of 14) to pay for me to go on a trip anywhere. She should be old enough to understand that these vacations cost a small fortune.

On the wedding issue, I also agree with you, these are not YOUR sisters. When my aunt got married my whole family was in the wedding (me, sister, mom, dad, and brother) and I am not complaining because I am close to my aunt, she is like my big sister, we do everything together, but I do remember my mom saying that it was a lot for all of us to be in it. And we are all really close, it is my mom's sister, but my dad and my aunt are really close. Like you said you will be at the wedding, you will be there on their special day. NOW if you were not going to be in their wedding and then say a friend at work's wedding then maybe I could see them being upset, but you are taking a FAMILY VACATION, that is JUST as important. IMHO wedding these days are just getting so out of hand, when me and DF get married we are just having my sis as my maid of honor, DD as flower girl, and his best friend will be the best man and we're only inviting 40 people, our close family and friends.

Jeesh, you said you would bring up to 8 people with you on some vacations? Did you pay for all of them!? If so, I think its kind of rude that people feel entitled for you to pay another vacation for them, instead they should feel thankful that you did it for them.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

I understand your stress! First off, your husbands "baby" sister is 14 and not a baby so she is old enough to understand that this is a vacation for just you, DH and the kids. She may be disappointed and I'm sure she is jealous (heck, I'm jealous when someone I know is going to Disney and I'm not) but, she will get over it. As for the sisters, I understand they are upset that you have chosen to go on vacation rather than be in their weddings but, I also think it was unfair of both of them to expect all of you to be in both weddings (that is an enormous expense). Maybe you or DH could do a reading at each of their weddings, this way you (or he) are part of the ceremony without the financial strain.

Have fun and enjoy your vacation!

I think THAT is a great idea!

 

[turkeymama]

OP, I agree with you. I don't think family should feel offended just because you declined "the honor" of being in their weddings. You will be there, along with your immediate family, to support them and witness their big day.

My BIL is on his second marriage and they tried to rope all of us into this one too. The last one was huge and extravagant and this one is only slightly better. I managed to keep 2 of us out of it, but only after I sufficiently offended MIL by going over her head.

I don't understand the sense of obligation others seem to feel over being in a family member's wedding. To me, that is kind of like expecting a bride-to-be to ask all her cousins and sisters to be in the bridal party, just because. I think a person is well within their ethical rights to say "I'm sorry sister or brother, but I can not be in your wedding party." I don't know, maybe I just come from one of those weird families .

I am graduating from college in a month and most of my family won't be able to attend the ceremony. For me, this day is very memorable and close in significance to my wedding day. I promise, I am not carrying a chip on my shoulder for those who don't attend. Life happens. I don't have a monopoly on their time just because we're family.

 

[RachaelRol]

Here are my two cents..

I think every once in a while you have to take one for the team even if it's not technically your team...

My SIL is on bed rest for a pregnancy and asked before this if she could "use" my house and yard to have a birthday party for her DD 3. I was hesitant at first because reality is DH and I will foot the bill and have to do the work and this was prior to her being on bed rest. She and BF will bring some stuff, but trust me when I say, DH and I will do the work and foot the bill including picking them up and bringing them to our house since they don't have a car.

Now she is on bed rest and I think she should cancel the party. In her and BF's mind theyt should still have it which of course will absolutely mean work and expense to DH and me.

Even though I want to cancel the party, I won't. Even though I want to sit there and not help, I won't. Even though I want to not buy decorations and balloons etc, I will. Why, because at the end of the day I love my husband and will do this for him with a smile.

As far as missing weddings. I did not attend my sister's wedding at Sandals because I was not comfortable leaving DS at home for 4 days. I felt really badly, but I took a couple days off, stayed home with my brother and other sister's kids and the following weekend DH and I rented a tent, tables and chairs and threw them a reception, in our back yard for family and friends. Not a mega event, but probably spent around $1000.

DH didn't blink about our spending this or doing alot of work because at the end of the day, he loves me and he did it for me.

I also threw baby showers and cristening parties for both of my sisters in law.

Again, simply because I love my husband and when we married his family became mine and mine his. That, I think are the opinions of those who don't really agree with your lack of participation and attitude about the weddings.

And FTR, you should absolutely go on vacation just your family. Everyone in our families know they are not invited on our DW trips.

 

[wvjules]

I agree with MouseHouseMama and Robin.

Is there such a thing as a disneyzilla?

BTW, what do you mean take them to disney? Do you pay their way?

Oh and you don't need to repeat "not my sister" or "did you read". Just because someone disagrees with you doesn't mean they can't comprehend what you say. Once you married your DH they became your sisters. Your disdain for his family is coming through loud and clear in your posts.

 

[lurkernj]

It's also okay for the OP and the MANY people here who have agreed with her to have their opinions. People seem to be forgetting that. I find it comical that post after post keeps berating the OP claiming that she is not listening to their side and getting angry when the OP or anyone else defends her side. Isn't that doing the same thing they claim OP is doing?

hmmm, isn't that what you just did?

It is ok for people to have their opinions, I just don't get why OP doesn't think SIL has a right to be hurt, and obviously getting defensive about people disagreeing with her.

I also don't get why you are referencing my post with regard to berating the op and claiming that she is not listening or getting angry, as none of those things were in my post.

 

[lunalibre]

The whole situation is a real mess!!

OP, I can totally understand why you would wouldn't want to be in two weddings in one year. The costs for that second one are just totally out of control! Nearly $400 for a dress for a 9 year old????

You are still going to the weddings. I can't understand how ANYONE, especially family, could expect you to spend your family vacation budget on a wedding that was not yours or your children's. Of course if you had the money it would be nice to be in both weddings! But the expenses, taken together, are just out of control.

I don't see how this is much different from the couples who choose to have destination weddings and expect family members to cough up thousands of dollars to attend. Sorry -- there's no way I'd do that.

And I do understand that family is important. We live a 13-hour drive away from DH's family. We went to two niece's weddings last year -- during the school year! -- that were two weeks apart. We drove 26 hours round trip in two different weekends (left after school on Friday, got home Sunday night) in order to go to their weddings. No, the kids could not miss school because it was during testing/finals time. It was a HUGE inconvenience for us, but by golly, we went. Our nieces were very glad we were there.

I guess, like one other poster suggested, you could have offered to take on other duties outside of the bridal party -- readings during the ceremony, serving cake, etc. However, if the bride isn't trying to keep expenses down to a level you can afford, you have every right to say no to being in the wedding party.

Are you a "crafty" person? Maybe you could do something that would be of lasting sentimental value related to their weddings -- something that would make everyone go "awwwwwwwwwwwwww". That would show that you think their weddings are important. You probably are going to have to shell out for some DARN GOOD wedding gifts in order to help smooth things over, too.

One more thing -- your DH needs to be the one to have it out with the sister who's causing the stink. Or is it your MIL? Anyway, he needs to be the intermediary with his family.

Good luck!!!

 

[robinb]

BTW, what do you mean take them to disney? Do you pay their way?

I was wondering that myself. It seems to me that a family that can afford two extravagant weddings (a $16 k Bridal shower ... Do I remember right? I'm on my phone and can't check) can afford to pay for a WDW vacation on their own.

 

[robinb]

BTW I think the idea of doing a reading at the weddings is a great one. The op should approach the SILs and ask if there is a place in the wedding for them like a reading. That would show the SILs that she wants to be part if the special day and not just another guest to feed. Actually participating in the wedding will go a long way to smooth over any hurt feelings.

 

[imthatgirl]

I agree with MouseHouseMama and Robin.

Is there such a thing as a disneyzilla?

BTW, what do you mean take them to disney? Do you pay their way?

Oh and you don't need to repeat "not my sister" or "did you read". Just because someone disagrees with you doesn't mean they can't comprehend what you say. Once you married your DH they became your sisters. Your disdain for his family is coming through loud and clear in your posts.

I basically pay for it. I use my travel vouchers and air line points to get them all there, I put them up in my house, I get them each tickets and I usually do 2-3 meals for everyone to get together. they pay for whatever else they may want.

I o a lot for his family...but I hardly feel that I need to do everything they ask of me.
And yes, when you have to correct someone over and over on the things they say, it does mean they aren't comprehending what your telling them. thats actually the definition.

 

[wvjules]

I basically pay for it. I use my travel vouchers and air line points to get them all there, I put them up in my house, I get them each tickets and I usually do 2-3 meals for everyone to get together. they pay for whatever else they may want.

I o a lot for his family...but I hardly feel that I need to do everything they ask of me.
And yes, when you have to correct someone over and over on the things they say, it does mean they aren't comprehending what your telling them. thats actually the definition.

So the vacation stuff that you pay for is approximately $2500, maybe more? You should have been in the weddings and just not paid for the vacations this year. The weddings and family are important; Disney is not.

Comprehension means understanding. People understand they just disagree.

 

[imthatgirl]

So the vacation stuff that you pay for is approximately $2500, maybe more? You should have been in the weddings and just not paid for the vacations this year. The weddings and family are important; Disney is not.

Comprehension means understanding. People understand they just disagree.

I haven't taken them on vacation this year, we're going alone. Which was the point of the post.
See I don't keep track of the money I spend on people. If had planned on taking them we would have regardless of the weddings. I would never say...well I'm going to be in your wedding which means I'm canceling your trip. Vacations and weddings really have nothing to do with one another. We don't weigh every peny we spend based on whether we want to be in their wedding. We chose not to be in it, and now we've moved on.

When someone continues to say the same thing over and over....and continue to be wrong about the point that they've made....and you correct them over and over to try to get them to understand the story you are telling them.....it means they aren't comprehending it.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

you know OP, I was just thinking....
You have done something nice in the past by taking extra people to Disney and paying yourself, this year you cannot afford to be in their weddings and people are complaining about how you shared YOUR money.
So I say from now on if people are going to complain about it, don't take anyone to Disney, do not do special things for others that are a large expense, b/c your darned if you do and darned if you don't. It seems like you can't make anyone happy.
Your not telling SILs that you are not going to their weddings, you are telling them you cannot afford these lavish expenses. Like I said, I plan on getting married and just having my sis as my maid of honor and DD as flower girl. If I had a big wedding I'd have my aunt and her 3 boys in it, and I wouldn't want to put that financial burden on her and her family. Then I'd ask DF's sis who is moving out on her own, having to pay rent, get new furniture, etc etc. I wouldn't want to put that burden on her either.

 

[OceanAnnie]

This thread is really something! I think you should have a poll. That would be really interesting.

 

[imthatgirl]

you know OP, I was just thinking....
You have done something nice in the past by taking extra people to Disney and paying yourself, this year you cannot afford to be in their weddings and people are complaining about how you shared YOUR money.
So I say from now on if people are going to complain about it, don't take anyone to Disney, do not do special things for others that are a large expense, b/c your darned if you do and darned if you don't. It seems like you can't make anyone happy.
Your not telling SILs that you are not going to their weddings, you are telling them you cannot afford these lavish expenses. Like I said, I plan on getting married and just having my sis as my maid of honor and DD as flower girl. If I had a big wedding I'd have my aunt and her 3 boys in it, and I wouldn't want to put that financial burden on her and her family. Then I'd ask DF's sis who is moving out on her own, having to pay rent, get new furniture, etc etc. I wouldn't want to put that burden on her either.

You know whats funny, until I posted this I hadn't thought twice about the things I've done for them. But the negative people in this post have actually made me realize something, they take me for granted. No matter what they ask of me they expect that I can just do it for them. Then the one time I tell them no, they act like children.

So thanks to all the those people, even if they didn't agree with me they have made me see that I'm a push over. We may need to change our ways.