Advice needed: How do I say this nicely?

[crisi]

And clearly you are way to involved with this thread. Move on please. I always win because she is my child.

Are you winning? Or, in Dr. Phil speak "and how is that working for you?" You've opened several threads complaining about your in laws. Your inlaws haven't changed, their behavior around your daughter stays the same, and your contentment with them has not increased. Your husband seems to be in avoidance mode - not wanting to rock the boat between you and his mother - which is not a healthy place for a marriage. You seem to demand others change to fill your needs, which would be great if they did - sometimes that does work - but it doesn't seem to be working in this case.

Seems like this is a battle you are losing - or holding in an eternal tie. Your husband, who also has some parental rights, doesn't seem to be fully invested in supporting you against his family - which would make a 'win' possible.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

I win because everyone is right, I can control who watches her and who interacts with her. If she can't follow my request then she only gets to see her when I can bring her over and stay.

 

[my3sons77]

And clearly you are way to involved with this thread. Move on please. I always win because she is my child.

She is your husbands child too.

Being a mother is a priviledge, not a right. You seem very self centered and not willing to budge or find a comprimise. I dealt with my crazy MIL for 14 years before I finally put my foot down and told her enough. Never once though did I keep her grandchildren away or tell my husband to choose sides.

I haven't talked to my sister for 3 years because she is just flippin crazy. Would I get mad if my dad or mom took my boys to go and see her? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I know she loves her nephews and would never put them in harms way. I would think your BIL would have the same feelings for your child too. Don't ya think?

Just sit down and think about all of this. Try to be reasonable. Try not to burn that bridge just yet if you don't have to.

 

[jrmasm]

I win because everyone is right, I can control who watches her and who interacts with her. If she can't follow my request then she only gets to see her when I can bring her over and stay.

Hate to tell you but your husband gets a vote too. She's his child too. If he decides you can't cut out his mother, you're going to have a fight on your hands.

Might be better for everyone if you learned to compromise sooner rather than later.

 

[RitaE]

Watching your kid for you so you can go car shopping is a privilege?

<snort>

Holy Heck I hope she got down on her knees and gave you the thanks and adulation you so clearly deserve.


God Bless Grandmas - I couldn't even imagine having to negotiate something like this.

 

[sam_gordon]

I win because everyone is right, I can control who watches her and who interacts with her.

How is this a "win"? Is MIL begging to sit for your DD? I don't see anyone (other than you) in a competition that can be "won". Honestly, to me, you actually "lose" because you're losing that "emergency" babysitter.

I have three kids. We've had to take a number of trips to the ER. Obviously, having young kids in an ER is not fun or enjoyable for adults. Our closest "family" is 30-40 minutes away. We were lucky enough to contact our neighbors who were nice enough to take our kids in for a couple hours... regardless of time.

If she can't follow my request then she only gets to see her when I can bring her over and stay.

Totally agree if you feel your request is valid. I'm not looking for an answer, but I want you to think about the future... in about 7-8 years your DD is going to be invited to a sleep over. Are you going to give the host family a list of "rules" they need to follow when it comes to your DD?

I said it up thread, but I think you and your husband need to have a serious conversion about how you two want to raise your DD. If you do have that conversation, please (for the sake of your marriage) go in with an open mind and be willing to compromise.

And just remember, just because someone disagrees with you or what you do (whether on the Dis, or in real life) doesn't mean they are wrong.

 

[DopeyDame]

I'm not asking her to not see her other grandchild or even choose, I'm asking her not to bring my child around him. What she does on her own time is on her but she has no right to bring my child somewhere I wouldn't bring her.
Being a grandparent isn't a right it's a privilege. It's not their child.

I was really reading this thread just for entertainment value, but this jumped out at me and I just couldn't control myself from commenting...
being a grandparent is neither a right nor a privilege - it's just a FACT. By virtue of being DH's mother, your MIL is now and always will be your daughter's grandmother. I'm sorry if you don't like that fact, but it is what it is.
Given that, you can chose to try and get along and live nicely with MIL - resulting in a happy daughter who gets to have a loving, happy relationship with her grandmother (and a happy DH to boot) - or you can continue to fight over all sorts of issues - resulting in a strained marriage, a daughter who doesn't get to experience the blessing of an active, involved MIL, and all sorts of rocky times in the future. The choice is in your hands, but the reality is that - no matter how much you hate it - you can't change the fact that MIL is your princesses grandmother.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Hate to tell you but your husband gets a vote too. She's his child too. If he decides you can't cut out his mother, you're going to have a fight on your hands.

Might be better for everyone if you learned to compromise sooner rather than later.

Compromise? I don't think asking her not to bring her to one location ( ok, two) is asking a lot.
I'm sure it will be tough for him but at the same time he can't sit at home and say he agrees with me but doesn't want to confront her about it. He has said that she manipulates him and whenever he's about to say something she starts crying. He needs to get over it.

 

[luvsJack]

Compromise? I don't think asking her not to bring her to one location ( ok, two) is asking a lot.
I'm sure it will be tough for him but at the same time he can't sit at home and says he agrees with me but doesn't want to confront her about it. He has said that she manipulates him and whenever he's about to say something she starts crying.

Have you ever thought that your dh is agreeing with you because he doesn't want confrontation with YOU either? Most people that don't like confrontation don't like it with anyone and will pretty much do whatever to stay away from it.

If you come between your dh and mil, you are not going to WIN anything except maybe a divorce. That is his mother, like it or not and nothing you do is going to change that.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

I was really reading this thread just for entertainment value, but this jumped out at me and I just couldn't control myself from commenting...
being a grandparent is neither a right nor a privilege - it's just a FACT. By virtue of being DH's mother, your MIL is now and always will be your daughter's grandmother. I'm sorry if you don't like that fact, but it is what it is.
Given that, you can chose to try and get along and live nicely with MIL - resulting in a happy daughter who gets to have a loving, happy relationship with her grandmother (and a happy DH to boot) - or you can continue to fight over all sorts of issues - resulting in a strained marriage, a daughter who doesn't get to experience the blessing of an active, involved MIL, and all sorts of rocky times in the future. The choice is in your hands, but the reality is that - no matter how much you hate it - you can't change the fact that MIL is your princesses grandmother.

No one is saying she isn't her grandmother but that doesn't not give her the right to do whatever she wants with her. She has another grandmother so she wouldn't be missing love or a happy relationship.

 

[RitaE]

Compromise? I don't think asking her not to bring her to one location ( ok, two) is asking a lot.
I'm sure it will be tough for him but at the same time he can't sit at home and says he agrees with me but doesn't want to confront her about it. He has said that she manipulates him and whenever he's about to say something she starts crying.

sorry but that's husband speak for "God I hate being in the middle of this."

He doesn't want to confront her because he really doesn't care all that much about this newest thing that has you in a snit concerning your obsession with acting as Queen of Superiority over his family.

 

[DVCBELLE]

My DIL agrees! She did say I need to call her if we're leaving the country (but only so she can bring me their passports!).

I am with you!!! I trust my parents and my in-laws with my kids! I know they love them as much as I do and would never do anything to hurt them...

OP - I believe you said your MIL is a dentist...which tells me she is well educated. I am sure that she would never do anything to hurt your DD.

Here is a thought for you that you might be able to grasp onto: Did it ever occur to you that she wants your DD around their son as a positive influence. That maybe she is hoping that your BIL and SIL will see your obviously perfect and wonderful family and try to take steps to being just like you?

While I am obviously being over the top in my description - it is possible that she does hope that her other son will try to be more responsible and turn his life around and she sees your DH as a positive influence on him. Maybe your BIL is sick of his mom constantly comparing him to his brother.

 

[my3sons77]

No one is saying she isn't her grandmother but that doesn't not give her the right to do whatever she wants with her. She has another grandmother so she wouldn't be missing love or a happy relationship.

That's really a sad way to look at it.

My mom lives in FL, my dad lives in NC. Neither of them have an active relationship with their grandkids. I have to remind them when the birthdays are and how old they are going to be.

My husbands father died when he was 18 and his mom died a few years ago. His mom was very active with them and as long as she had them properly in their car/booster seats she was free to take them where ever she had to go if she was watching them. She even took them to the waterpark at our local aquatics center during the summer when I had to work. They have the best memories of her and their time with her. It didn't matter what I thought of her, I never let my feelings toward her interfere with their relationship.

You DO need to comprimise unless you really want to head down the path of being a single, divorced mom. Sorry, a man can only handle so much bickering before he gets tired of it and moves on. Gooodness gracious.

 

[mdsoccermom]

No one is saying she isn't her grandmother but that doesn't not give her the right to do whatever she wants with her. She has another grandmother so she wouldn't be missing love or a happy relationship.

There are so many things wrong with that outlook. So many things...

 

[DVCBELLE]

I win because everyone is right, I can control who watches her and who interacts with her. If she can't follow my request then she only gets to see her when I can bring her over and stay.

You realize that this will stop once she starts school...you no longer get to control who watches your child and who she interacts with...

And if you try - at school you will be labeled "THAT PARENT" and you can bet your life that your DD will not get the class placements you want and your endless demands will start to fall on deaf ears...

And when she reaches a point where you tell her she can't be friends with people you don't approve of - she will dig her heals in and search out friends she knows you won't like.

Life is about choosing your battles...teaching your children how to make good choices and then trusting that they will. Controlling every situation your DD is in will not give her the skills to make those choices when she is older.

She is your husbands child too.

I know she loves her nephews and would never put them in harms way. I would think your BIL would have the same feelings for your child too. Don't ya think?

No she doesn't think that - remember this is the girl who is jealous that they are having a girl b/c now her DD will not be the only Princess in the family. She doesn't grasp the concept of loving any other child than your own!

 

[ols386]

I win because everyone is right, I can control who watches her and who interacts with her. If she can't follow my request then she only gets to see her when I can bring her over and stay.

Then, it sounds like this is the solution to your situation. The grandmother only gets to see your dd when you bring her over and stay. No more asking her to babysit because she doesn't follow your requests.

Sadly, it sounds like it's all about YOU winning. That's an odd way of seeing it, because it sounds like a game.

 

[Marsheliz]

I know what you mean.. My MIL is the same exact way.. I never let her keep our son anymore because of it.. When he was like 3 months old, she kept him and accidentally told me that night that she had taken him to Wal Mart and I had to tell her that in the future- please ask before you take him places without me knowing.. Especially when he is an infant and you are taking him out in the public where everyone can touch all over him.. UGH

 

[mjkacmom]

Compromise? I don't think asking her not to bring her to one location ( ok, two) is asking a lot.
I'm sure it will be tough for him but at the same time he can't sit at home and say he agrees with me but doesn't want to confront her about it. He has said that she manipulates him and whenever he's about to say something she starts crying. He needs to get over it.

What is the other place? Because not letting your child over to your DH's brother's house is huge! I love my sister, and all of my SIL's and BIL's. However, even if I didn't, it would be very important to me to foster a good relationship between my children and them, and my children and their cousins. OP, how do you get along with your siblings?

 

[mjkacmom]

No one is saying she isn't her grandmother but that doesn't not give her the right to do whatever she wants with her. She has another grandmother so she wouldn't be missing love or a happy relationship.

This is one of the saddest things I've read on this thread. It sounds like your MIL wants to be involved with your dd - many complain here that the grandparents don't want to be bothered! You really think your mom can make up for your dd not having a relationship with her other grandmother?! And it sounds like your mom is on board with this - pathetic. If I vent to my mom about my MIL, she gently talks me down, plays devil's advocate for my MIL, and would never say anything bad about my DH's mother. My parents live in town, my IL's an hour away, and my mom stays back when they're here, because she understands that they don't get as much time with the kids as they do. Respect goes a long way.

 

[mrsr2ro]

I don't know what is more suprising to me - that this thread is till going or that I keep reading it.

I defended OP early on but the more I'm reading I'm realizing there are deeper issues here. I was not aware of historic posts regarding in law problems - I think many of you are and that is why some are responding the way they are.

OP you do realize that if you and your DH separate, he will get some form of custody and be able to take your daughter wherever and with whoever he pleases right? So tread carefully in creating a wedge there. Some PP aluded to this and I totally agree. I also agree with those who said that his non confrontational attitue with his mother probably applies to you too - he may not be telling you what he really thinks to avoid a fight with you.... just sayin'

I've seen way too many "perfect" and "strong/solid" marriages fall apart in the last 2 years to realize you can "never say never".