Advice needed: How do I say this nicely?

[Queen2PrincessG]

MIL (shocker) causing riffs again.
I needed MIL to watch DD on Saturday so that DH and I could go shop for a new car. She was fine with it. When we returned to get DD MIL tells us that she took her over to SIL and BIL house for a visit. I was extremely pissed. I've asked her before not to do this and that if she plans on taking her places to just let me know. I think it's in my right to know where she is taking my child especially if I was under the assumption that they were laying low. Am I wrong.

BackgroundD had been running a fever 103/104. I had to take her to the Dr. on Thursday because she was cranky and just not herself. There has been something going around with 3 out of 5 of the kids at her daycare but it caused one child to be rushed to the hospital. DD was on the mend but still a bit cranky on Sat. MIL KNEW ALL OF THIS!

She doesn't seem to get that I don't want DD around BIL, SIL and their son. Why does she keep forcing them together? How can I say politely I don't want my child around them or their kid?

 

[HappyDznyCamper]

Realistically your best bet is to not use MIL as a sitter, whatever your problem with BIL or SIL it is still her child you are telling her she can't take her granddaughter to visit. Your best choice is to find a reliable sitter you can use that you are paying so you can dictate where they go(if anywhere).

 

[Hannathy]

Pay a sitter. When you use free sitting you have to deal with what it comes with. She is your Mother/family not a paid employee. If you want someone to follow your orders the get someone who will because they are an employee. Other wise just say thank you for watching her.

I always found it was just easier to go with the flow when my family watched my kids, in reality it doesn't really matter what they do or don't do in the minuscule amount of time in the large scheme of things that they have the kids It is what I do the 99% of the time in a child's life that they are with me that matters.

 

[SoonerSarah]

I think at some point you are going to have to decide if it is better for you to have free babysitting, or to have more control over what happens with your daughter while you are not present.

From you post it seems like this is not a first time event, and that MIL has disregarded you in the past.

And, where is DH in all of this? Is he confronting his Mom? He needs to be the first one to bring it up, and you need to support him, it shouldn't be you bringing him up and him supporting you. If you guys have been as firm as possible previously, I think your only option is to either put up with her taking your child somewhere, or eliminate the chance for her to do so.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Ok, yes a sitter but this was a last minute emergency. (i tried to stat my car the night before and got nothing. It was completely done! My poor car...)

I feel the need to confront her, I'm not one to just hold my tongue, especially when it come to my child. Should I just have DH talk to her since it's his mother. I feel my reasons are very valid why I don;t want DD around them. I feel like MIL thinks it's a given that she should be around DD and not a privilege. Family or not, paid or not, isn't it rude to just take someones child somewhere without telling them?

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

I think at some point you are going to have to decide if it is better for you to have free babysitting, or to have more control over what happens with your daughter while you are not present.

From you post it seems like this is not a first time event, and that MIL has disregarded you in the past.

And, where is DH in all of this? Is he confronting his Mom? He needs to be the first one to bring it up, and you need to support him, it shouldn't be you bringing him up and him supporting you. If you guys have been as firm as possible previously, I think your only option is to either put up with her taking your child somewhere, or eliminate the chance for her to do so.

He "says" that has said something to her. I haven't heard it myself other than one time we explained to her that our DD and nephew won't really be friends and that she needs to realize that. I keep telling him to say something again but his response is, "why should I say something you should."

 

[bellebud]

his response is, "why should I say something you should."

eek... that's not good. Does he realize or care that *you* speaking to her can cause a rift that might not be healed.

There's obviously a large issue w/ your nephew, and you have the right to not want your dd w/ him. BUT you have to realize that unfortunately your mil isn't going to abide by your rules. I'd just not have her babysit again, at all.

The car 'emergency' was an unexpected situation, but if this family situation is that important to you, you would have had to either take her w/ you (I get she was running the fever), or you stay home w/ her and let dh go look for a car for you, or the opposite. We've had my dh go do my car shopping, then when he finds it (he's the *negotiator* in the family), I just go look and make sure I like it. Or it all could have waited one day because you have a sick child. It stinks to realize that sometimes we cannot depend on family the way we'd like to, but it's a reality for some.

 

[HappyDznyCamper]

Ok, yes a sitter but this was a last minute emergency. (i tried to stat my car the night before and got nothing. It was completely done! My poor car...)

I feel the need to confront her, I'm not one to just hold my tongue, especially when it come to my child. Should I just have DH talk to her since it's his mother. I feel my reasons are very valid why I don;t want DD around them. I feel like MIL thinks it's a given that she should be around DD and not a privilege. Family or not, paid or not, isn't it rude to just take someones child somewhere without telling them?

Go ahead if it will make you feel better. Be prepared though to never have a good relationship with her, also be prepared for her to tell you she will a)not be able to sit for you anymore or b)continue do as she has been doing and if you don't like it too bad, you get what you pay for.

Sorry but car shopping is not an "emergency" need for a sitter, yes it makes it easier but, if you don't like the way your MIL "works" then you can just take kiddo with you or trust DH to narrow down the choices for you and only take DD to look at a few cars.

 

[SoonerSarah]

He "says" that has said something to her. I haven't heard it myself other than one time we explained to her that our DD and nephew won't really be friends and that she needs to realize that. I keep telling him to say something again but his response is, "why should I say something you should."

That is hard then. If he is not supporting you, at least in the sense of standing up to his Mom, then that is going to show her that your wishes as a parent do not matter.

I think that if it were my hubby to say "why should I say something, you should", I'd get pretty angry with him. While she is now a part of your family, she is and always will be his mother. It is a different kind of relationship, and he needs to stand up to her to show her that he is an adult, you are his wife, and the two of you are in agreement and that your relationship is of the utmost importance. I think that when he doesn't do this, it helps enable his Mom to disrespect and disregard you.

I'm sorry for the situation that you have to be in. Good luck!

 

[Colleen27]

Pay a sitter. When you use free sitting you have to deal with what it comes with. She is your Mother/family not a paid employee. If you want someone to follow your orders the get someone who will because they are an employee. Other wise just say thank you for watching her.

I always found it was just easier to go with the flow when my family watched my kids, in reality it doesn't really matter what they do or don't do in the minuscule amount of time in the large scheme of things that they have the kids It is what I do the 99% of the time in a child's life that they are with me that matters.

This.

You can't realistically expect to dictate to family the way you would a paid sitter, so if that is important to you it is time to hire someone rather than letting your MIL watch your DD, even in a pinch.

My inlaws watch our kids all the time - actually, my girls are over there right now just so DS could have his birthday party/sleepover without having to worry about waking them - but that works for us specifically because I trust her completely. I don't expect to check in with me every time they go somewhere and I know she wouldn't take the kids anywhere I wouldn't approve of. With anything less than that level of trust it just doesn't work, because it is so difficult (if not outright impossible) to dictate conditions to your/your husband's parents.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

belle it's more of an issue with BIl and SIl and how they are raising nephew. He takes off his clothes everywhere, even in public, No discipline. he slaps and hits, no discipline.
There home is disgusting dog and cat poop everywhere. They have a rabbit and a guinea pig that they let run around too. it's always disgusting! Dd still puts a lot of things in her mouth because shes getting 5 new teeth right now eek and she picks things up, she explores, shes a kid.

Also in my eyes: DD and her fellow daycare mates clearly had something serious. Why would you bring her over to another kids home that also has a pregnant woman living there?

 

[marlynnp]

Advice needed: How do I say this nicely?


You Don't.


You need to stop asking people that you don't like and don't get along with to do you favors.

 

[surfgirl]

belle it's more of an issue with BIl and SIl and how they are raising nephew. He takes off his clothes everywhere, even in public, No discipline. he slaps and hits, no discipline.
There home is disgusting dog and cat poop everywhere. They have a rabbit and a guinea pig that they let run around too. it's always disgusting! Dd still puts a lot of things in her mouth because shes getting 5 new teeth right now eek and she picks things up, she explores, shes a kid.

maybe she's trying to establish a relationship between cousins since its obvious you won't ?

One suggestion: your husband (note that!) could say, "mom, we're uncomfortable with Princess G at {slob}'s house. Since its nice you want them to play together, could it all be at your house ?"

It has to be your husband... anything else continues the stereotypical mil/dil relationship. Also, next time, she might not tell you!

Also in my eyes: DD and her fellow daycare mates clearly had something serious. Why would you bring her over to another kids home that also has a pregnant woman living there?

Don't get too sanctimonious about taking a sick kid to a pregnant woman's house, because they may turn and point the finger at you and say why would you take a sick kid to mil's house?
(nice run-on, I know)

 

[Colleen27]

Honestly, from your DH's reaction and the reasons you want to keep your DD away from SIL & BIL & nephew, it sounds to me like he's really not on the same page as you about that particular issue.

A messy house and a spoiled child are pretty flimsy justification for not allowing your child to have a relationship with her aunt, uncle and cousin. It isn't like your MIL is putting your DD in danger by allowing her to be around them, and I don't think you can fault a grandmother for wanting her grandkids to grow up together as friends/playmates.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

MIL (shocker) causing riffs again.
I needed MIL to watch DD on Saturday so that DH and I could go shop for a new car. She was fine with it. When we returned to get DD MIL tells us that she took her over to SIL and BIL house for a visit. I was extremely pissed. I've asked her before not to do this and that if she plans on taking her places to just let me know. I think it's in my right to know where she is taking my child especially if I was under the assumption that they were laying low. Am I wrong.

BackgroundD had been running a fever 103/104. I had to take her to the Dr. on Thursday because she was cranky and just not herself. There has been something going around with 3 out of 5 of the kids at her daycare but it caused one child to be rushed to the hospital. DD was on the mend but still a bit cranky on Sat. MIL KNEW ALL OF THIS!

She doesn't seem to get that I don't want DD around BIL, SIL and their son. Why does she keep forcing them together? How can I say politely I don't want my child around them or their kid?

Why would you take a child that has been sick to your MIL house anyway?

If your MIL continues to do things you do not like - stop going to her for favors. Plain and simple.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I would stop asking MIL to babysit as well. Right now my 6yo is at my MIL's, not for any reason except he asked her if he could sleep over and she said yes. I have no idea if they're home or out, I don't even know what time he's coming home (although if I was going out today I would have established this). Last time he stayed over she took him to an Aunt's house, McDonald's and Sam's Club. I had no idea ahead of time that they were going there and I don't care as long as she uses his car seat, which she does. If I had a problem with it I wouldn't allow him to go.

I don't think it's okay to ask someone to babysit as a favor to you and expect them to sit home with your child all day.

 

[StitchBuddy]

That is a difficult situation. We lived 2 hours from my mother-in-law, so we never asked her to baby-sit. But, I can see your point as my BIL and his wife were much the same way. I agree with other posters that you need to find several people who can babysit, 8th and 9th grade girls are usually the best. They still like to entertain and play with little ones. That way this doesn't happen again and doesn't cause a riff between you and MIL. We never lived close enough to family for anyone to watch our daughter and to be honest we probably only left her with a sitter about 10 times. We did have fiends we would switch off with , but very rarely. She just went where ever we went. Good luck, but don't ruin your relationship with MIL. Not worth it!

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

I's not like they call us to come visit. Why would I open my house up for MIL to use?

Like I said it was an emergency, DD was on the mend.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

That is a difficult situation. We lived 2 hours from my mother-in-law, so we never asked her to baby-sit. But, I can see your point as my BIL and his wife were much the same way. I agree with other posters that you need to find several people who can babysit, 8th and 9th grade girls are usually the best. They still like to entertain and play with little ones. That way this doesn't happen again and doesn't cause a riff between you and MIL. We never lived close enough to family for anyone to watch our daughter and to be honest we probably only left her with a sitter about 10 times. We did have fiends we would switch off with , but very rarely. She just went where ever we went. Good luck, but don't ruin your relationship with MIL. Not worth it!

Usually she does, I just felt that hours at the dealership wouldn't be the best since she was starting to feel better. I needed a new car though. Too late. After the whole birthday party situation we have steadily gone down hill. I'm not asking her to sit at home. Though usually that's all she does anyway. But in my eyes if you're doing something then just say no. Did she really need to go see them? When I asked why she went over she said, "oh i wanted to see how the baby's room is coming along?" So it wasn't an urgent need and more her being a busy body.

 

[dfchelbay]

Time to get a nice teenager or neighbor for the last minute needing of a babysitter. The entire reason your child was not with you is because she was just getting over being sick and still not 100%. If she wasn't healthy enough to sit around a dealership for a few hours, what makes your MIL think she's healthy enough to be taken out of the house and taken to another house, being around another child, etc. FWIW, if it were my child, that would be the last time MIL gets to watch her. If she's disrespected my wishes in the past, and again with this, that's all I need to experience...it's done...no more babysitting. You'll be exposed to the nephew and his family at family functions and that sounds like that's about all you need to be. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but she is your child and you have ALL the say. For those that thinks it sounds harsh, well, grandma brought it on herself. She did what she wanted to do and now she gets the consequences for that. She did it to herself. Sorry, but you don't take a recently sick child, like within the last 24-36 hours, around town to visit, cause that's what YOU...MIL/grandma...wanted to do.