Advice needed: How do I say this nicely?

[SoonerSarah]

We took our oldest daughters with us car shopping. Two dealers in town and two dealers in two different towns 30 miles away. They were almost 4 and 3-4 months old. We actually liked having the 4 year old there, she helped give input on the cars. And I've read before that actually taking your kids can help you get a better deal and get out of there faster.

 

[walkdmc]

Just reminding everyone that you can choose to "ignore" a poster by clicking the "User CP" in the top left of the bar above. After clicking that, it's self explanatory.

 

[tlbwriter]

And I've read before that actually taking your kids can help you get a better deal and get out of there faster.

LOL! "We'll give you whatever you want, just get that kid outta here!"

I've taken DD car shopping before and she did fine. However, if she was getting over an illness and still feeling kind of puny, I would have left her at home. But heck, the last time I bought a car, my husband wasn't even allowed to come!

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Clearly MIL is not someone I can rely on and use for childcare. Luckily my mom has said she will step in whenever we need it. Which is amazing and super nice of her. I'm ready for any confrontation that may arise from this choice whether it be from Dh or MIL. Being a grandparent does not entitle you to do what ever you want. You are still taking care for another person's child and their wishes, whether you agree or not, should be respected. Otherwise say no. But trust me I will no longer be asking her she has lost that right.

My car had 150+ miles and was about 10 years old and needed massive work about $4000. Not worth it. I have a very long commute to work. I also needed 4 wheel drive. We had been discussing getting me a new car for a month. It not starting was just "perfect timing".

Troll, Helicopter parent, snowflake raiser whatever label you want to give I'm ok with it. Parents are all different because we are all raising different people. We all have different views of what is right and wrong int he world. We all have different things we value. I love my DD and she is my world. I love her immensely and till the death of me. I want her to be safe and well taken care of when I'm not able to. I think it speaks volumes that I never worry when she is at daycare because I know that her caregiver loves her like her own. Yet when MIL watches her I worry and so does my mom.

Thank you to those who gave helpful advice.

 

[Nancyg56]

Or, distance herself from her husband.

If grandma was doing me babysitting favors, I wouldn't DREAM of telling her she couldn't see her other grandchild at the same time.

I see rocky, rocky, rocky roads ahead for this whole family, based on the actions of one person.

Either way I see a woman who entered into a family and then is annoyed that the sun does not rise and set on her edicts. It is a shame really, she could simply let the babysitting go and stop the drama but some people thrive of confrontation. I am not saying I agree that MIL should ignore what OP wants but since she is Op is the person with judgement problems

Eh, I have to disagree with this on principle. A parent COULD very well have legitimate reasons for wanting to keep their child away from a cousin (maybe the cousin is violent, maybe mentally ill and not supervised properly, maybe there are suspicions of abuse... let's face it, we've heard of lots of things). In that case, I think it's completely appropriate to ask your free babysitter not to take your child to visit that child. But keep in mind that she has the right to say no, and then you have to decide to either accept the conditions of the free babysitting, or find a different sitter.

Not saying that's what's going on here, just in principle.

I agree. I had to ask my MIL to keep my children away ffrom her DD's when her SIL was there. If she chose to ignore my requeest I would never have left my kids there. I would have visited with them and invited them to my home. I also opened my home to them if my SIS Il wanted to vist with them, something the OP has refused to do.

There is a control issue going on here. There is more to this than babysitting, IMO.

I still have a hard time understanding why so many people have such issues with the OP getting upset. The mother in law should have followed the daughter in law's wishes or not babysat. I am thankful that my mom and even my in laws when I am in Louisiana respect my wishes with my kids.

Actually, I must respectfully disagree. As a parent, the OP needs to determine where she can safely leave her children. I do respect my DD's requests but in the event I did not, it would be up to her to stop asking me to care for my DGD. It is clear that this is not abpout teh MIL ability to care for teh child. This is about the OP deciding that her BIL is not worthy of a vist from her family and that the MIl must choose between her DIL (the OP's DH does not have a problem here) and her son. Since the OP feels strongly about this and the husband and teh MIl are not going to listen to her it is her responsibility to make alternate arrangement for care. Paid babysitters follow the rules. Freebies? Well you get what you get.

 

[Mkrop]

Just reminding everyone that you can choose to "ignore" a poster by clicking the "User CP" in the top left of the bar above. After clicking that, it's self explanatory.

where is the "fun" in that

 

[walkdmc]

MKROP- I get it, you're from Philly

(I'm in the 'burbs too!).

 

[Mkrop]

MKROP- I get it, you're from Philly

(I'm in the 'burbs too!).

hey fellow Philly surburbanite!

 

[mdsoccermom]

Clearly MIL is not someone I can rely on and use for childcare. Luckily my mom has said she will step in whenever we need it. Which is amazing and super nice of her. I'm ready for any confrontation that may arise from this choice whether it be from Dh or MIL. Being a grandparent does not entitle you to do what ever you want. You are still taking care for another person's child and their wishes, whether you agree or not, should be respected. Otherwise say no. But trust me I will no longer be asking her she has lost that right.

My car had 150+ miles and was about 10 years old and needed massive work about $4000. Not worth it. I have a very long commute to work. I also needed 4 wheel drive. We had been discussing getting me a new car for a month. It not starting was just "perfect timing".

Troll, Helicopter parent, snowflake raiser whatever label you want to give I'm ok with it. Parents are all different because we are all raising different people. We all have different views of what is right and wrong int he world. We all have different things we value. I love my DD and she is my world. I love her immensely and till the death of me. I want her to be safe and well taken care of when I'm not able to. I think it speaks volumes that I never worry when she is at daycare because I know that her caregiver loves her like her own. Yet when MIL watches her I worry and so does my mom.

Thank you to those who gave helpful advice.

I'm pretty sure each and every person on this board loves their children as well and wants their kids to be safe and well-cared for.

Didn't you say your mother lives 4 hours away, that it's 8 hours round-trip for you? How will she just step in when you have crucial, life-altering emergencies such as car buying? You have to accept that there are going to be times you either have to suck it up and let MIL babysit, or take your child with you.

 

[ols386]

We've been married for 5 years together for 10. I think the new dynamic of a child is what is screwing him up. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, he's wrong for not supporting me in front of his parents but then talking about them in the house. I don't think he wants to let them go because they are the only "family" around here. My parents are 4 hours away.

I think that you just don't say anything about the babysitting situation to her. There is no need to hurt her feelings. And I would worry about that, she is your husband's mother, your DD's grandmother. Unless your aim to to alienate her and distance your husband from his family.

I think this is exactly what the op would like to see happen, and if that happens then the op will need to deal with the consequences of that scenario.



To the op, the only option you have, if you do not like how your MIL takes care of your child, is to stop asking her to babysit, completely!

 

[surfgirl]

To the op, the only option you have, if you do not like how your MIL takes care of your child, is to stop asking her to babysit, completely!

It doesn't have to be a big confrontational thing - just don't ask. When she inquires why she hasn't sat recently, just tell her, "Thanks for the offer - we haven't needed you. Our Princess is growing up and its fun to take her places." rinse, repeat.

However, make sure the king (ie your husband) is on board with this plan or you are headed down the path of marital problems. Don't become the wedge in-between him and his family.

 

[ols386]

It doesn't have to be a big confrontational thing - just don't ask. When she inquires why she hasn't sat recently, just tell her, "Thanks for the offer - we haven't needed you. Our Princess is growing up and its fun to take her places." rinse, repeat.

However, make sure the king (ie your husband) is on board with this plan or you are headed down the path of marital problems. Don't become the wedge in-between him and his family.

True. That's not a good place to be.

 

[debster812]

My MIL, bless her heart, LOVED her grandchildren to distraction. When she passed away, she had 20 grandkids, and each and every one of them knew that Grammy adored them, and that her house was the fun house. She was also very old school Italian, and did some little things that made me a little crazy. Like insisting DS wear a hat outdoors. Normally, not odd at all, right? Well, DS was born in June, with a FULL head of hair, about 3/4 long, all over his head. So it's mid-July, 90 degrees, and she thinks he needs a hat. So I started leaving a hat in the car. I'd slap it on him when we got to her house, and take it off as soon as we got inside. She was happy, it did not hurt DS or I. Win win for everyone.

Oh, and OP, when you throw out statements like, "We all have different things we value. I love my DD and she is my world" You can certainly expect some folks to take issue with that. It's a very backhanded way of declaring other's perceived inferiority in parenting. I'm sure you did not intend it that way, but when it's hard to interpret tone with a written word, it's something to be mindful of.

 

[ccgirl]

You have made it quite clear you do not like your in laws or your DH's family though many other posts. I suggest you hire a babysitter and stop mooching off them then.

 

[my3sons77]

My MIL, bless her heart, LOVED her grandchildren to distraction. When she passed away, she had 20 grandkids, and each and every one of them knew that Grammy adored them, and that her house was the fun house. She was also very old school Italian, and did some little things that made me a little crazy. Like insisting DS wear a hat outdoors. Normally, not odd at all, right? Well, DS was born in June, with a FULL head of hair, about 3/4 long, all over his head. So it's mid-July, 90 degrees, and she thinks he needs a hat. So I started leaving a hat in the car. I'd slap it on him when we got to her house, and take it off as soon as we got inside. She was happy, it did not hurt DS or I. Win win for everyone.

Oh, and OP, when you throw out statements like, "We all have different things we value. I love my DD and she is my world" You can certainly expect some folks to take issue with that. It's a very backhanded way of declaring other's perceived inferiority in parenting. I'm sure you did not intend it that way, but when it's hard to interpret tone with a written word, it's something to be mindful of.

Very well said

 

[ccgirl]

Clearly MIL is not someone I can rely on and use for childcare. Luckily my mom has said she will step in whenever we need it. Which is amazing and super nice of her. I'm ready for any confrontation that may arise from this choice whether it be from Dh or MIL. Being a grandparent does not entitle you to do what ever you want. You are still taking care for another person's child and their wishes, whether you agree or not, should be respected. Otherwise say no. But trust me I will no longer be asking her she has lost that right.

My car had 150+ miles and was about 10 years old and needed massive work about $4000. Not worth it. I have a very long commute to work. I also needed 4 wheel drive. We had been discussing getting me a new car for a month. It not starting was just "perfect timing".

Troll, Helicopter parent, snowflake raiser whatever label you want to give I'm ok with it. Parents are all different because we are all raising different people. We all have different views of what is right and wrong int he world. We all have different things we value. I love my DD and she is my world. I love her immensely and till the death of me. I want her to be safe and well taken care of when I'm not able to. I think it speaks volumes that I never worry when she is at daycare because I know that her caregiver loves her like her own. Yet when MIL watches her I worry and so does my mom.

Thank you to those who gave helpful advice.

Wow...so you are don't care if their is fallout from your DH? Way to set yourself up for a successful marriage. Just remember; as important as your family is to you his is to him. I just really can't believe how one sided you are. Your poor DH.

 

[SaraJayne]

It doesn't have to be a big confrontational thing - just don't ask. When she inquires why she hasn't sat recently, just tell her, "Thanks for the offer - we haven't needed you. Our Princess is growing up and its fun to take her places." rinse, repeat.

However, make sure the king (ie your husband) is on board with this plan or you are headed down the path of marital problems. Don't become the wedge in-between him and his family.

I'm pretty sure that happened on their first date or soon thereafter.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

My MIL, bless her heart, LOVED her grandchildren to distraction. When she passed away, she had 20 grandkids, and each and every one of them knew that Grammy adored them, and that her house was the fun house. She was also very old school Italian, and did some little things that made me a little crazy. Like insisting DS wear a hat outdoors. Normally, not odd at all, right? Well, DS was born in June, with a FULL head of hair, about 3/4 long, all over his head. So it's mid-July, 90 degrees, and she thinks he needs a hat. So I started leaving a hat in the car. I'd slap it on him when we got to her house, and take it off as soon as we got inside. She was happy, it did not hurt DS or I. Win win for everyone.

Oh, and OP, when you throw out statements like, "We all have different things we value. I love my DD and she is my world" You can certainly expect some folks to take issue with that. It's a very backhanded way of declaring other's perceived inferiority in parenting. I'm sure you did not intend it that way, but when it's hard to interpret tone with a written word, it's something to be mindful of.

Well if someone read it that way I'd be concerned. how many I statements does one need to make. I stated what I feel is important has NOTHING to do with what other here find or don't find important.

 

[Mkrop]

My MIL, bless her heart, LOVED her grandchildren to distraction. When she passed away, she had 20 grandkids, and each and every one of them knew that Grammy adored them, and that her house was the fun house. She was also very old school Italian, and did some little things that made me a little crazy. Like insisting DS wear a hat outdoors. Normally, not odd at all, right? Well, DS was born in June, with a FULL head of hair, about 3/4 long, all over his head. So it's mid-July, 90 degrees, and she thinks he needs a hat. So I started leaving a hat in the car. I'd slap it on him when we got to her house, and take it off as soon as we got inside. She was happy, it did not hurt DS or I. Win win for everyone.

Oh, and OP, when you throw out statements like, "We all have different things we value. I love my DD and she is my world" You can certainly expect some folks to take issue with that. It's a very backhanded way of declaring other's perceived inferiority in parenting. I'm sure you did not intend it that way, but when it's hard to interpret tone with a written word, it's something to be mindful of.

My SIL freaked at my MIL for putting socks on my niece with sandals. She screamed that she made her look like a dork. Niece had slept over there and got her dressed for SIL and they were headed to a party. I thought to myself instead of ranting and raving, why didnt you just pull over a block away and take off the darn socks if they bothered you that much. That was the beg of the end of my poor MIL getting to see her granddd. My SIL is off her rocker. I have more stories similar to that.

 

[Vijoge]

My parents pop in all the time and take the kids to breakfast and who knows where else. I don't care where they go...they're not with me and that's all that matters

My DIL agrees! She did say I need to call her if we're leaving the country (but only so she can bring me their passports!).