Advice needed: How do I say this nicely?

[design_mom]

I will admit that I freaked out (just a little) the first time my mom was watching our son and took him someplace without telling me first. However, as I thought about it -- if I trust her judgement to watch my child, then I trust her to make decisions in his best interest... so unless we discuss a particular situation in advance, she gets to make the decisions while she's watching my kids even if that means it's less convenient for me later (like if they didn't get a nap, or ate too much junk, etc.)

However, if I *didn't* trust my mom's (or MIL's) judgement, like you appear not to trust your in-laws', she would not be watching my child. I am sorry, but car shopping is not an "emergency" that warrants leaving your child with someone you don't trust. You could have taken her with you. You could have gone in shifts. You could have found someone else to watch her. (A trip to the ER is *maybe* an emergency where you have to take what you can get in regards to childcare, but even then, there'd be limits.)

 

[mrsr2ro]

For the record - I don't know anyone in real life on this thread, nor the DIS for that matter.

Here in Canada, our laws are a bit different, but it's not as easy as one thinks to call for these types of issues either. Heck, most of my at-risk students admit criminal activities to us, and as teachers bound by law, we have to report, and not much gets done in certain cases. It is difficult around here, as our CAS workers are overworked and understaffed, not to mention, the cops are trying to deal with the flood of narcotics that are on the streets. I'm not sure how this situation would play out in my city, if indeed it were true?

So, although I think the OP clearly has some major issues, based on this thread, and her other rants about people in general, there are many issues at play here. She absolutely has the right to not want her child around drugs or dirt, so not sure what the issue is for many people in regards to those topics? If people are trying to figure out if indeed the OP is telling the truth, that is another matter entirely, but if it comes to drugs, criminal activities or neglect, than her child should not be around that. But, and it's a big but, neither should her nephews.

If everything OP says is true, and I don't believe all of it is, then her DH's family are dysfunctional enablers, which is very common when dealing with adddictions. I live in this world each and everyday with my students and their families, and truthfully, the only person that can be controlled in that situation is the OP. She can, and should keep her daughter out of that mess, and if I find out my husband or mother in law brought my child to that dysfunctional household (if indeed it exists as such), there would be major hell to pay around here.

There are lots of issues in this thread, and many posters are judgmental against the OP for her dramatic and frankly rude threads. This should not take away from the fact that if indeed that house is as she describes, then her child should not be over there, period.

As far as mother in law, clearly she does not share the same feelings as the OP, so knowing this, she cannot use her as a babysitter, end of story. Our car lots are outside around here, so she could have put baby in car, and one of them could have stayed with her, while the other looked/drove around, and then one at a time could have entered the dealership. We've actually done this, and there are no issues involved.

If OP truly is troubled by her mother in law, then she does not babysit, end of story. Basically, her car was more important than her Princess. Clearly, OP is naive, since if drugs are involved, you cannot reason with people at all, so despite wanting her mother in law to abide by her wishes, she has proven she cannot, so by OP still using her to babysit, this is neglectful to her child and hypocritical.

Lots of interesting replies on this thread, and hopefully OP has learned, from this one, and her other threads, that many people have pre-conceived judgments of her, and in that respect, nothing that she says will be taken seriously, IMHO. Wanting to truly protect your child, which I can assume all of us want to do, is one thing, but ranting about how no one can measure up to you, is clearly another. So, although it seems that DH and his family may have some serious issues, so does the OP in her perception of the world around her.

I have to imagine if the OP conducts herself as she does on the DIS, then I can't imagine many people taking her seriously, most of all her hubby and mother in law.

Tiger

Excellent post

 

[Colleen27]

I get the sense that some posters on this thread know each other in real life -- or there is some stalking going on. Given that I fall in neither of those categories, I'm simply taking the poster at face value.

A lot of the posters on this thread clearly have never had to deal with an extremely dysfunctional family. Just call CPS you say? I don't think you have an idea of the truly horrible situations that CPS typically deals with. Animal feces on the floor, they aren't coming out for that -- probably not even for a marijuana plant either. But, I too, wouldn't want my kids hanging out in a place like that. You would just offer to help them out? I feel so horrible for my DH who for years thought that if he helped enough is family would change -- he was always crushed when the minute he was gone everything would go to pot again (no pun intended). It isn't as simple and black and white as you may think.

And some MILs (or any other family members really) are extremely manipulative and messed up themselves. Now, granted, that is the reason I would never leave my kids with my MIL, but this idea that because they are a grandparent they have the best interests of your kids is just wrong.

No stalking needed, the OP has started several controversial/memorable threads that tend to stick in one's mind (I honestly have never read anything as ridiculous as her thread about being upset over her SIL having a girl because she wanted her princess to be the only granddaughter in the family).

CPS absolutely will get involved if the conditions are as bad as the OP describes. I know someone who had her children removed for something much less significant that was much less within her control (an expensive repair her home needed that they worked around rather than fixed for financial reasons). They won't remove the child, but they will monitor the situation to make sure the parents clean up their acts and maintain a suitable environment.

Look, I know first hand that not all family is worth keeping around. My children have no relationship at all with my father (the older two met him once, the youngest not at all) because of the choices he's made in life. But those choices are much more serious than lousy housekeeping.

The OP gets the reactions that she does because of her history of petty, middle-school-eque drama posts about her inlaws, plain and simple. She seems to have decided from the start that they aren't good enough for her and her child, and thinks nothing of what it will do to her daughter to be stuck in the middle of her little snit.

 

[ols386]

I get the sense that some posters on this thread know each other in real life -- or there is some stalking going on. Given that I fall in neither of those categories, I'm simply taking the poster at face value.

A lot of the posters on this thread clearly have never had to deal with an extremely dysfunctional family. Just call CPS you say? I don't think you have an idea of the truly horrible situations that CPS typically deals with. Animal feces on the floor, they aren't coming out for that -- probably not even for a marijuana plant either. But, I too, wouldn't want my kids hanging out in a place like that. You would just offer to help them out? I feel so horrible for my DH who for years thought that if he helped enough is family would change -- he was always crushed when the minute he was gone everything would go to pot again (no pun intended). It isn't as simple and black and white as you may think.

And some MILs (or any other family members really) are extremely manipulative and messed up themselves. Now, granted, that is the reason I would never leave my kids with my MIL, but this idea that because they are a grandparent they have the best interests of your kids is just wrong.

I know absolutely no one on this thread personally, AT ALL.

How do you know if anyone on here has had to deal with dysfunctional families? You don't. Unless YOU know them personally.

The bottom line is that if the op doesn't like/want her MIL to babysit for the little girl, then she should quit asking her. There are many on here who have tried to tell her that.

 

[justhat]

It must depend on your city (and your city's level of problems) because we, too, have had to do this for what I would consider a more serious situation than OP's and they didn't care (or probably to be be more accurate are so overworked that they prioritize cases and this horrible situation incredibly would pale in comparison to what CPS typically deals with).

This was in Detroit, last year, where there are likely a high number of distressed, homeless kids.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

OP- stop making problems for yourself. If you don't want her watching your child then just don't ask her. THE END. There is no need to "tell" her that she can't babysit. Simply don't ask her. Why make a federal case out of it?

FTR- Going to buy a car isn't an emergency. You could have taken her with you. 2 adults with one child shouldn't have been a problem.

 

[hsmamato2]

I feel the need to confront her, I'm not one to just hold my tongue, especially when it come to my child. I feel like MIL thinks it's a given that she should be around DD and not a privilege.

.....'nuff said.

 

[Leajess99]

It must depend on your city (and your city's level of problems) because we, too, have had to do this for what I would consider a more serious situation than OP's and they didn't care (or probably to be be more accurate are so overworked that they prioritize cases and this horrible situation incredibly would pale in comparison to what CPS typically deals with).

Yep, we actually had a child killed by mother's boyfriend even though CPS had been notified by several people of the abuse. Little boy was I think 6 years old. Our CPS had a major investigation and several lost jobs or were relocated (great way to fix a problem huh??) but it still hasn't changed. I still recommend calling CPS because at least you know you did your part to try and help protect the child.

 

[Tiger926]

Yep, we actually had a child killed by mother's boyfriend even though CPS had been notified by several people of the abuse. Little boy was I think 6 years old. Our CPS had a major investigation and several lost jobs or were relocated (great way to fix a problem huh??) but it still hasn't changed. I still recommend calling CPS because at least you know you did your part to try and help protect the child.

That is so horrible.

That happens in my province too, moreso in the bigger cities like Toronto, but it has happened in my area as well.

I have had students who have been removed, or, have non-association orders with drug addicted family members and boyfriends/girlfriends, and they still hang together.

We call and report as well, but based on OP's responses, I don't think that has been done either?

Tiger

 

[surfgirl]

We call and report as well, but based on OP's responses, I don't think that has been done either?

If the "problems" in the household were fixed, the OP would have no reasonable reason to prevent her "princess" from going there. Her "punk" husband would figure out that she just dislikes them no matter what.

It isn't about the condition of the household, its about the people in the household.

 

[jenrose66]

MIL (shocker) causing riffs again.
I needed MIL to watch DD on Saturday so that DH and I could go shop for a new car. She was fine with it. When we returned to get DD MIL tells us that she took her over to SIL and BIL house for a visit. I was extremely pissed. I've asked her before not to do this and that if she plans on taking her places to just let me know. I think it's in my right to know where she is taking my child especially if I was under the assumption that they were laying low. Am I wrong.

BackgroundD had been running a fever 103/104. I had to take her to the Dr. on Thursday because she was cranky and just not herself. There has been something going around with 3 out of 5 of the kids at her daycare but it caused one child to be rushed to the hospital. DD was on the mend but still a bit cranky on Sat. MIL KNEW ALL OF THIS!

She doesn't seem to get that I don't want DD around BIL, SIL and their son. Why does she keep forcing them together? How can I say politely I don't want my child around them or their kid?

I have the same problem with my in laws. They always want to take my kids places...either visiting other relatives or to community events.

DH works in insurance and I used to work in insurance. You hear about all kinds of terrible car accidents and dead kids on a daily basis. I am not comfortable with anyone driving my children but me or DH. I mean obviously an accident can happen to anyone but I would not be able to live with myself if my kids were harmed out of my care in this way.

With that said, if you can't trust MIL then don't let her babysit. Make due and take DD car shopping. My inlaws don't watch my kids.

 

[my3sons77]

I have the same problem with my in laws. They always want to take my kids places...either visiting other relatives or to community events.

DH works in insurance and I used to work in insurance. You hear about all kinds of terrible car accidents and dead kids on a daily basis. I am not comfortable with anyone driving my children but me or DH. I mean obviously an accident can happen to anyone but I would not be able to live with myself if my kids were harmed out of my care in this way.

With that said, if you can't trust MIL then don't let her babysit. Make due and take DD car shopping. My inlaws don't watch my kids.

You also hear about school bus accidents. Are you not going to allow your children on field trips. We work in insurance too. You can't control everything. As long as your kids are in their car seats and they are properly installed your children should be fine. Don't live in fear. I bet they have a great time with their grandparents! I am sure your inlaws would hold just as much guilt and blame themselves if something ever happened. They want to take their grandchildren places because they love them and are proud. My dad or mom has never offered to take my boys anywhere! They won't even call on Christmas or birthdays unless I remind them. Count your blessings they want to be involved!

 

[Marionnette]

I have the same problem with my in laws. They always want to take my kids places...either visiting other relatives or to community events.

DH works in insurance and I used to work in insurance. You hear about all kinds of terrible car accidents and dead kids on a daily basis. I am not comfortable with anyone driving my children but me or DH. I mean obviously an accident can happen to anyone but I would not be able to live with myself if my kids were harmed out of my care in this way.

With that said, if you can't trust MIL then don't let her babysit. Make due and take DD car shopping. My inlaws don't watch my kids.

Would you be able to live with yourself if they came to harm while in your care? Believe me, there is no living with yourself when you lose a child, regardless of the circumstances.

I can see not allowing someone to drive your child if you are concerned that their skills are impaired (like slow reaction time, chronic speeding record, alcoholism, etc.) But to not allow your in-laws to drive the kids somewhere just because you fear that something might happen is irrational. A fatal accident can happen even when a cautious, skilled driver like yourself is at the wheel. All it takes is one very inebriated fool with a set of car keys to cross the yellow line at a high rate of speed to change your life forever.

 

[justhat]

I have the same problem with my in laws. They always want to take my kids places...either visiting other relatives or to community events.

DH works in insurance and I used to work in insurance. You hear about all kinds of terrible car accidents and dead kids on a daily basis. I am not comfortable with anyone driving my children but me or DH. I mean obviously an accident can happen to anyone but I would not be able to live with myself if my kids were harmed out of my care in this way.

With that said, if you can't trust MIL then don't let her babysit. Make due and take DD car shopping. My inlaws don't watch my kids.

I assume you also will not let your children go anywhere with friends either, right? As something could easily happen when a friend's parent is driving. Now, your kids are young yet, but wait another year or 2 when your older one starts asking to go home with friends after school, or when a friend invites him over for the day and wants to take him to the playground. Then what? Are you always going to say no? If so, prepare for the ramifications that will go along with that, and prepare your kids as well.

My daughter had a friend like this. Her mother was a lawyer and constantly reminded everyone of that and said she wouldn't drive any friends in her car in case she got in a freak accident and someone sued her, nor would she let her kids ride in anyone else's car as they could crash. Well, we had field trips once a month and often had parents drive the kids. Her kid was the only one in the class who always had to drive with her mom and no one else in the car. This was in kindergarten and ALL the other kids noticed after the 2nd field trip and they ALL made an issue out of it. "Why can't you ever ride with anyone else? Why can't I go in your car? How come your mom won't let you go without her?" And the kid HATED it. She would literally beg the mom, crying and pleading, to let her ride with a friend and the mom always refused.


Now, if you are saying "my inlaws are alcoholics/senile/demented/etc." then I totally, totally get it. But to say just because there are accidents, well, that can happen to anyone, anywhere. Hence the term, "accident". You would never forgive yourself, but you'd never forgive yourself if you were driving either.


I also see it as, my mom drove me around and my MIL drove my husband around. We're both fine. They're not old to the point of being impaired, they both drive daily (in fact, my inlaws own a transportation company and drive limos, sedans, buses, etc.), they both love my kids and would never intentionally harm them, etc. So if they want to drive my kids anywhere, it's fine with me. In fact, when I had my 3rd kid, I had an unexpected c-section so I was unable to drive for a few weeks. My mom came to help for the 1st week and my inlaws the 2nd week. They drove my kids to school, swim class, ballet, gymnastics, etc. It was that or they would have missed all their activities and had to sit home with me everyday, which would not have been fair to them at all.

 

[scrapquitler]

I will admit that I freaked out (just a little) the first time my mom was watching our son and took him someplace without telling me first. However, as I thought about it -- if I trust her judgement to watch my child, then I trust her to make decisions in his best interest... so unless we discuss a particular situation in advance, she gets to make the decisions while she's watching my kids even if that means it's less convenient for me later (like if they didn't get a nap, or ate too much junk, etc.)

However, if I *didn't* trust my mom's (or MIL's) judgement, like you appear not to trust your in-laws', she would not be watching my child. I am sorry, but car shopping is not an "emergency" that warrants leaving your child with someone you don't trust. You could have taken her with you. You could have gone in shifts. You could have found someone else to watch her. (A trip to the ER is *maybe* an emergency where you have to take what you can get in regards to childcare, but even then, there'd be limits.)

This.

 

[StitchBuddy]

I think maybe the OP just comes here to vent and let off some steam. I think if most of us are honest our in-laws have bugged us a time or two. That being said there are far worse things to worry about. She should be thankful this is the least of her worries with her child. I didn't always have the smoothest relationship with my MIL, but I know she loved her grandchildren. My DD13 has no grandmothers left. I would give anything for her to have a grandmother to spoil her a little. I hope this all works out and that the OP finds a happy medium.