Would you be upset??

[goofyrn13]

Are you sure my DH is not yours in disguise?Joking aside,I know exactly how you feel.My DH never buys a card,never buys flowers.I pick out my own xmas and B-day presents.But what he does do is love me and my girls.He is the main housekeeper,I hate to clean and frankly I'm not good at it.So I comprimise figuring I get alot more than most wives do and settle that I'll never have surprises but always a clean home.I think this year though he may start surprising me because at valentine's day my (female secret pal) gave me flowers and boy was he jealous.She over heard me talking about how I was practically the only one in our dept that never got flowers and she felt sorry for me.

 

[adamak]

I'm so sorry. We're on the same boat, so I know your DH didn't' do that on purpose. He REALLY doesn't think it makes a difference buying you flowers / gifts or not. And from his point of view, he has already told you. So there you go. That's how men think.

Instead of getting mad, buy yourself some flowers. Tomorrow. And next year, treat yourself a spa day or something. Maybe he'll learn.

 

[4greatboys]

Yes I would be mad too. Even if you didnt expect a gift, something small like a card or flowers is great. Some guys dont realize just a little something on a special occasion just says "I love you and didnt forget our special day".

 

[lmj]

I think at this point I'm not even mad about the lack of a gift. I am upset because he is still pissed off. He actually gave me the ring back that I bought him. Now I'm really pissed. I get my feelings hurt but now it's my fault we are fighting. I just don't get it.

 

[Mishetta]

lmj ~ I understand. After this many years, you shouldn't have to tell him you'd like flowers or anything for that matter. It should want to come from his heart to give you a little something for such a special occassion.

My DH is a wonderful man but it's only been the past 2 Christmas' that he got me something & not this past Valentine's Day but the one before (he went all out by getting me my fave hand lotion & a Barry Manilow CD!). I was beside myself! This Valentine's day I bought my own Cinderella snow globe & I put it under his nightstand & told him that he can give that to me for Valentine's Day. Guess what? It's still there under his nightstand! I never said anything & it's still there. I'm still waiting for him to give it to me!

In his defense, he does buy me beautiful cards with beautiful words but just a little token that looked like he put some thought & effort into buying me something would be such a welcomed change!

I'm so sorry. Happy Anniversary anyway.

 

[jipsy]

I told him I didn't want anything.

I have to agree with LucyStorm and mickeyfan1 on this one.

If you told him you don't want anything, he took you literally. Then, when he fulfilled your statement, you got mad at him. This confuses him, which makes him mad because he doesn't understand this type of thinking.

I know it's cliche' but I highly recommend that you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. And DON'T try to make him read it, just read it for yourself. And give him back the ring you bought him and apologize to him for getting mad because you were wrong.

Even if you don't feel you were.

Just realize that if you told him "I don't want anything" he hears "Don't get me anything". If you want something for your anniversary, then say "Let's set a limit for our anniversary gifts - no more than $100 spent on each other." If he agrees to that, and THEN gets you nothing, then you can get upset.

 

[wdwnutze]

lmj-Yes, I would be mad but even more hurt. I have been living this for the past 20years. This past xmas was the 1st time he bought me a gift(a digital camera he wanted). I always buy my own gifts for xmas. My husband feels holidays are for kids and birthdays are just another day. He does give a card for our Anniversary(because his sister calls and reminds him). We have had the discussion about the thought that counts. I have told him a thousand times that the way to my heart is with flowers(even the grocery store bouquet). He says I shouldn't tell him what to get me. I have stopped expecting things from him but it doesn't stop the hurt when these special days come up. Treat yourself to something nice and talk to him about it when you have both cooled off(I think it is their guilt that makes them get mad at us in this situation.).

 

[JC2]

Originally posted by lmj
He has never been good at buying me gifts

I am so sorry that you're hurting, especially on a day that should be a happy one for you!
I would like to just add a thought and I hope you won't take it the wrong way - I don't mean it to be hurtful.
The phrase that I quoted of yours really bothered me. Are you saying that when he buys you gifts he doesn't do a good job? That is the way I understood it. And I just want to say that I believe most men want to make their wives happy but sometimes don't know how. And if they ever get the idea that what they are doing "isn't good enough", they might just give up. Maybe his feelings are hurt b/c he knows you don't think he's good at gift giving. I would encourage you to focus on the "small things" in your marriage that you can compliment him on. I hope there is something he does right in your marriage. Find one thing that you really like/appreciate and focus on it! I believe, in time, it'll come back around to you.
{Hugs}

 

[gepetto]

Originally posted by Mishetta
This Valentine's day I bought my own Cinderella snow globe & I put it under his nightstand & told him that he can give that to me for Valentine's Day. Guess what? It's still there under his nightstand! I never said anything & it's still there. I'm still waiting for him to give it to me!

How long are you going to leave it there?

 

[lmj]

JC2 - He hates to shop and basically never does. I do all of the shopping even his. When holidays or birthdays come he gets real defensive about buying something because he is so clueless about what to get.

 

[LIDisneyFan]

lmj - Do you think he'll ever really change? Seems like if you're tired of hurt feelings and fighting - --, right, wrong or indifferent you have 2 options. Either you can continue to be angry and miserable each and every occassion, or decide this is the way it is -and stop buying him gifts (unless you really want to, knowing there will be nothing in return).

It doesn't sound to me like he's going to change - so, what do you get by being angry - it only hurts you.

Just MHO

 

[Dan Murphy]

I think I might be the first guy in on this. But, after being married for almost 32 years, I really have to fully agree with jipsy and her book thought. I have never read it but do know what it is about. Every year I live, I more and more am amazed at the HUGE differences between men and women, mentally and emotionally and what makes them tick, both of them. What is important to one is not to the other, and visa-versa. I just try to go with the program.

Your hubby did what he does, and did not do what he does not do, you know both already, don't try to force a change on such an unimportant (in the big picture) thing. It just not him. I happen to be a big card/flower/gift guy, but if I was not, I doubt Marie would get all that upset.

And with those thoughts, I am going to step out of here, carefully, with all the piss on the floor here.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Second guy. Hi Lids.

 

[jipsy]

He hates to shop and basically never does. I do all of the shopping even his. When holidays or birthdays come he gets real defensive about buying something because he is so clueless about what to get.

So, if you know this, and you know you also told him you didn't want anything, why do you feel justified in being so upset when he didn't get it?

 

[SuiteDisney]

The problem is that you are thinking like a woman and your DH is thinking like a man. You're expecting him to think like a woman and he can't. He can't even take subtle hints like a woman can. Like Bonnie said, you told him to get you nothing and that's what he did.

If you want your life to be easier in the future, learn to give him hints that men can understand. This would go something like...... I can't believe that our 10th anniversary is next Monday. I really wish I would get flowers for our anniversary. Or..... Gee, Valentine's Day is almost here, I hope Cupid brings me some candy. Or.... I'm so glad Christmas is almost here because I really want this new sweater from Macy's. (Then you have to show him the picture of the sweater and tell him what color and size you want.)

Yes, that's right, you must wield your hints like a club and beat him over the head with them. He'll not only be able to understand them, but he'll be grateful that he knows what you expect. It will be a lot easier on both of you. And that's when he'll probably start surprising you.

 

[allicat]

This is a tough one. On the one hand, I think at this point, you cant teach an old dog, new tricks. On the other hand, there is no excuse for not being thoughtful. Im not saying he had to go purchase a huge gift, but a card would have at least been thoughtful.
You arent the only one with this problem. I know a few friends who have the exact same problem.Maybe if you follow Suite Disneys suggestions for giving him hints, you might just have better luck when the next time gift giving rolls around!

 

[lmj]

I think you all are getting the wrong idea about me here. I have pretty much accepted that he is not going to change and I really don't expect the whole flowers, candy, gift thing anymore. I don't get mad most of the time when he doesn't do anything and I have really scaled down what I do for him for these occasions.
I have given up on Christmas, Valentine's Day, and my birthday completely. This was not meant to be a male bashing thread. I just got hurt because I thought a 10 year anniversary was a little out of the ordinary. At this point I'm not even upset about the flowers. I will continue to buy them for myself when the mood strikes. I just can't believe the fight this generated. I'm all done harping on this and am going to bed. He fell asleep long ago.

 

[goofymom23]

No one can read minds. You did tell him that you didn't want anything, and I will admit he still should have gotten you a card or some flowers, but he got you what you said. If you are tired of buying your own gifts tell him you want him to start buying them, but when he gets you something you don't like or didn't want do not be mad. Some people are not good at buying gifts but they have other skills that are great. On your anniversary you should be together, so I say go upstairs and shut the door and tell him thanks for getting you the gift you asked for then do what comes natural. Most of all talk to each other, marriage requires constant communication. Life is to short to stay mad.

 

[Jakk]

One thing I have learned about after 17 years of marriage is if you are really expecting a gift don't tell him "nothing" because that is what he is going to hear. I'm truly sorry that you are hurt and upset by all of this but in the large scheme of things how important is it? Is he a good husband otherwise? Is he supportive of you? Does he treat you with love and respect? That is so much more important and defines his love for you so much more than any store bought card or gift ever could. BTW I read the book that Jipsy mentioned and it is very enlightenting.

 

[JLSE50]

Another good book is THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES but Gary Chapman. He says that there are five different ways people express and appreciate love:
Gifts
Acts of Service
Quality time
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch.
It is a good book to read and gives insight on all interpersonal relationship.
If you feel loved and appreciated when you get a gift and he feels loved and appreciated when you sit by him and act interested in the hockey game, then your ring does not show him love and your absence during the hockey game does not show him love.

For years I bought my own flowers. This year DH bought me a dozen red roses for my birthday. I am 54. We got married when we were 20. We met when we were 18.
I never got a dozen red roses before.
I never got a dozen roses before.
He has phased into this over the last 36 years.
He thought flowers were a waste of money because they die. He understood buying shrubs for the yard, but not flowers for the inside of the house.
Finally I started buying my own flowers.
Recently he started picking up flowers in the grocery store when we were shopping together. Then, this past Saturday, he went out while I was still asleep, bought the groceries on the list and the roses, brought them home, made coffee and left it on our bathroom sink with the flowers--safe from sleepy arms that might have hit them if they were on the bedside table.
What a nice surprise to find when I got out of bed.

For years I have given hints about a tennis bracelet.
This year I got very specific and DH said he did not think I wanted one.
I told him I did not want one that was so expensive I would be looking over my shoulder for muggers.
I did not want to feel that children were starving in a third world country because I had an expensive bracelet.
I did not want one like the one we all gave my mother for her 80th birthday which had real diamonds that were so small they were hard to see, but they were real.
I wanted a zircon bracelet, square Princess cut stones, a bit over $100 from Penny's on this page of the catalog and I tore out the page.
That Saturday he said "Let's go."
I said "Where"
He said, "To get this bracelet." as he held the catalog page.
I said "You are supposed to get it so it is a 'surprise'"
He said, I don't want to get the wrong one and if you are there we will get the one you want.
So I went along.
After we found it, he said "Is there anything else you like here?" I said that a certain ring would have gone well with my Snow White costume that I made to wear on the Disney MAGIC Halloween 2002 Cruise. He asked the lady to get it out and told me to try it on. It fit. He bought it too. When I said that I did not want to spend $50 on a ring for a costume I probably would never wear again he said, "You never know......."
So now I wonder when we will book another Halloween Cruise and/or go to a costume party and in the meantime, I wear that ring all the time with my anniversary band that we got shortly before our 30th anniversary (that I dragged him into a store before Valentine's day, showed him what I liked and it is Princess cut zircons too.)

But right now, your DH is in his lair. Read MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS and discover that when he is mad he retreats so that he does not say something or do something he will regret later. If you go into that cave--lair--you may be attacked by the dragon. It does make sense in the book.

Check out the books and see what fits your situation.
Know that you are not alone.
Rejoice in his commitment to stay married in a culture that seems to encourage divorce.
Keep your chin up.
And SMILE BABY SMILE.

Jan