Would you be upset??

[off2disney]

lmj, I know that one thing has lead to another, and tempers have escalated until it's like a war zone at your house. My first (and ex)husband would always get mad and belligerant when he felt like he being wronged, and most of the time he was in the wrong. His theary was that a good defense was a good offence. He never remembered birthdays or holidays either (but he was a womanizing cheat, so the less said about him the better).

My boyfriend (after the ex-husband) grew up during very hard times in the depression when his mom raised 6 kids alone after his dad ran off. They didn't make a big deal out of birthdays and Christmas because they couldn't afford it, and he doesn't to this day go in for a lot of that. In fact, he's another "bah, humbug!). In 21 years I can't remember ever getting a birthday card from him and I usually buy my own Christmas present and either put it under the tree, or tell him what he got me. He always says he doesn't want anything for Christmas, but I always buy for him, and he's tickled with what he gets.

He'd have a heart attack before he'd spend money on flowers....but sometimes I'll come in from work late at night and he'd have picked a bouquet of camillias from his friend's yard. He'd put them in a mason jar and leave them for me on the kitchen table. He's grouchy, tight-fisted and a scrooge..... but you couldn't melt him and pour him on another woman. So when I get mad or irritated with him, I back off and remember that.

In this day and age, ten years of marriage is something to be proud of--there had to have been something there to last this long. After ten years, it doesn't seem like he's going to change...so maybe you have to change. Laugh it off instead of getting hurt and mad....it might not help but it will sure confuse the hell out of him, anyway!

 

[apagano]

Another man here...

I'll refer to the good ol' boy Dr. Phil on this one:

1) Men don't get it - You have to be real specific with us. When you ask for nothing you get nothing.

2) Stop complaining and start asking - in his mind, it didn't seem like a big deal because you didn't treat it like one. Then when you got mad at him he didn't understand why because he thought that you thought it wasn't that important. Whew!

3) This is the toughest one: If he does not respect the things you value, then he does not respect you- If birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries and such are important to you, then you have to make it very clear to him that they are meaningful to you. If he completely ignores that, then by extension he does not respect your feelings and does not respect you as a human being. In other words, it's fine that he hates to shop, but it's unacceptable if he's not willing to do it just a few times a year out of respect for your feelings.

I've had battles with my wife about similar issues. My wife is very passionate about music and she usually takes time out of her evening to play keyboard and sing to herself. I had a tendency to interrupt her during this time whenever I felt like it. I knew it kind of annoyed her, but to me it was no big deal. It's not like I was cutting in on something really important, right? WRONG! Finally one night she said to me, "Do you realize that every time you interrupt me when I'm making music, you are telling me that my music is not important? This is the one time in my whole day that I'm doing something I truly love and you think so little of me that you just cut in whenever you feel like it!" That hit me like a ton of bricks. Lesson learned. If it's important to her, I have to respect it even if it's not important to me. That kind of respect is critical to a relationship.

 

[JLSE50]

APAGANO: You would like THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES. That is the kind of thing he is saying. We need to know what someone else's language is so that we can express our love of them in the language they can understand.
Not only does your wife feel loved when you let her play her music and sing, she might feel even more loved if you sat in the room quietly, listened and applauded when she finished a piece. You would be giving her QUALITY TIME. In a way, you would be LISTENING to her--listening to what is really important to her.

IMJ: You are right, you cannot change your DH. But you can change your attitude and you can learn what HIS love language is and express your love and appreciation to him in that way. When he experiences that change in you, you may be surprised what he will be able to do FOR you.

Hang in there,
Jan

 

[Beast fan]

Your DH and I could be brothers! DW's B-Day and our Anniversary are both in October. Well............. In early January I finally DW a Birthday/Anniversary/Christmas gift. (Honest, true story!) Which reminds me, I haven't bought DW a Valentines Day gift. I better get moving on that before Easter or it will be freezing cold in our room at Vero in May.

 

[snoopy]

I'd be hurt and upset too. I'm with JTB, after 10 years, he ought to know "wife-speak" by now. And besides, the fact that you gave him his gift a whole day before the anniversary, giving him time to buy something for you, makes it even worse.

I'm so sorry. I hope he is a good husband to you otherwise.

Please do consider going out and buying yourself something wonderful for your 10 year anniversary. Maybe a nice piece of jewerly or a day at the spa. I'm sure it won't be the same as him having given it to you, but maybe it will help take the sting out of your hurt now.

 

[tigercat]

This thread is really interesting. Although my dh is a nice person, I am really struggling with this issue. It really makes me feel like I am not worth his attention. We have been married for 28 yrs. At the beginning I was like most women and gave general hints ect. I knew though that my 40th was going to be really special to me (kids all grown, I could do things) so on my 35th birthday I was very specific and said that I wanted a 40th birthday party. That the kids were old enough to help and that for a change I wanted them all to do something for me. For 5 yrs. I gave them very specific instructions and not just on my birthday. I am always being told I am not specific so I was. Guess what happened on my 40th? Nothing. I mean nothing. No cake, presents, birthday card, no one saying happy birthday. Nothing. I thought oh maybe they want to surprise me so I waited....and waited....and waited. Guess what...Nothing!!! He said that he knew he wouldn't have wanted a 40th party so he thought I was kidding when I said I did??????? This Christmas I was very specific again and guess what?????????Nothing. My birthday was totally forgotten again. I have now decided that I am not really that important to him and that my birthday although important to me means nothing to him so for the first time I am getting him for his birthday...Nothing. I am not making a cake, his favourite meal, a card or present. I am not saying Happy Birthday. It will be just another day. I am however planning left overs
tigercat

 

[AirForceRocks]

Would I be upset? No. If DH asks me what I want for a gift, I tell him, or give him a number of things to choose from so that I'll still be surprised. If I don't want anything, I tell him so, and that's usually what I get.

I'm more likely to be irritated when I tell him I don't want anything and he goes out and spends a load of money on something that I didn't want and don't need. While I appreciate the gesture, I'm of the opinion "Why ask me what I want if you aren't going to listen to my answer?"

 

[Claudia1]

Very nice, apagao, very nice! I am most impressed by the fact that you and your DW have a level of communication that works. She was able to communicate to you and you were willing to listen. Communication is not a one-way street.

Very nice!



lmj, I feel for you and understand. Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater but it is time to work it out. Your kids are learning what marriage is all about, too. You may think that you can put up with this but don't forget that you are also shaping the lives of your children's future families.

 

[sharbear]

My DH is not good at giving gifts, and I don't think that I am particularly good at receiving gifts. I'm working on it but sometimes I expect him to read my mind and after 15 years I've learned that he is just clueless. A lot of what I expect is how I grew up, my Dad gets my Mom gifts and if he doesn't get her exactly what she wants she gets all mad and well it's just not pretty.

In my DH's family his Dad is not good at getting gifts and his Mom does everything for him so why would I expect my DH to be any good at buying gifts. He never had to, his Mom did everything for him.

How I've learned to live with this is to remember that my DH does not buy things we can't afford. He doesn't go out and buy stuff for himself and he doesn't buy stuff for me. Now I tell him what I want and where to buy it and he takes the kids and gets me what I want. It works for him and I've stopped getting mad for one of his flaws.

I feel better about this now after my friend for her 15th wedding anniversary her DH got himself a Harley! She got him a really nice watch and he went out and bought himself a Harley. He did say that he'll let her ride it sometimes.

 

[Amy]

DH and I have been married for almost 19 years, and this issue comes up a lot. For Valentine's Day, I told him NOT to buy me candy because I'm struggling to lose weight. What does he do? He buys me 1 lb. of my favorite candy (cashew turtles) and has the kids give it to me. So I couldn't be mad or it'll upset the kids.

For Christmas, I bought most of my own gifts; the ones I didn't buy personally, I either printed out web pages, or gave him catalogs with items marked. I've already picked out a ring I want for our 25th anniversary, showed it to him, and said this is what I want, you have 6 years to save up for it.

It really ticks me off that he can't surprise me with gifts on a "regular" (i.e., bday, Valentines, anniversary, Christmas).

BUT every once in a while he comes thru......when I turned 40 a few years ago, he actually threw me a surprise birthday party. I still can't figure out how he managed to pull it off - the kids knew and neither of them spilled the beans.

This past Christmas, while I was out buying my own presents, I was talking to him on my cell phone and made a remark that I'd REALLY love a PT Cruiser. Now there's no way in the world we can afford a new car right now. But on Christmas day, I opened all the presents that I'd bought for myself, and there was a box I didn't recognized. My DH went out and got a model PT Cruiser and actually painted it the color I wanted, even went so far as to make a mini license plate!

What I'm trying to say is.....men can be jerks when it comes to taking hints. You have to hit them over the head with a club. But every once in a while they do something really nice to make up for all the times they screwed up. I learned long ago that my DH is a wonderful guy, he puts up with my crazy moods, he's great with our kids. Yes, he really pisses me off when he does dumb stuff. But I keep in mind that as long as the good outweighs the bad and the bad stuff isn't "big" (like an affair or spending our savings on something stupid), I'll keep him!!

 

[aprincessmom]

I told him I didn't want anything

I guess I'm in the minority. If I told him I didn't want anything and got exactly what I told him I wanted then I wouldn't be angry.

I have pretty much accepted that he is not going to change and I really don't expect the whole flowers, candy, gift thing anymore.

But apparently you DO expect these things if you are mad at him for giving you nothing even though you know upfront that's what he's going to do.

You need to either clearly tell him this is important to you, that you do expect something from him on special occasions or holidays, be very specific about what it is you want, and then you can be angry with him when he doesn't act.

But to be angry with him because you've told him you want nothing and you know that, given past history, he will take you at your word doesn't make any sense.

 

[lmj]

I wasn't going to post on this thread anymore but I just think a few of you have misunderstood my point. I was not really mad at him for not getting me flowers. I was disappointed. I got mad when he got defensive before I even had a chance to say anything. We have had this discussion many times. I don't want gifts because he never knows what to buy and I don't care about getting cards, I don't need flowers for every little occassion, but every once and a while would be nice. He knows this, we have talked about it. I don't expect a lot from him and I guess that is my fault. As much as I try to tell myself that I don't care when he doesn't do anything it does hurt.

He really does take me for granted in many ways and this is just another way I get disappointed. I usually just suck it up and forget about it but every once and a while it gets to me. I hate for the kids to see this.

Now I promise I will keep my mouth shut.

 

[apagano]

I usually just suck it up and forget about it but every once and a while it gets to me. I hate for the kids to see this.

lmj, that last sentence is exactly why it is NOT OK for your husband to do this. What are your children learning from this? They learn that it's OK for people to take each other for granted, and that it's OK to "suck it up" and be miserable just to keep the peace. I don't know how old your kids are, but I'm sure that they can sense the fact that mommy is unhappy. This affects them in ways that won't become obvious until it's too late. You are not doing your children any favors by living in a quiet misery. Imagine a time in the future when your son treats his wife poorly because "that's how it was for me growing up." Or your daughter stays with bad boyfriends because she doesn't think she deserves any better.

You really need to make a decision. Either you and your DH are going to work this out, or you are going to have to accept the way things are and be happy about it. But you can't keep on sucking it up, because other people are paying the price for your unhappiness.

Note: I'm not making any personal judgements on your husband, who for all I know is a great guy otherwise.

 

[stego]

Not really, I just happen to be a man.

It all started a few years back...
when I learned about life and stereotypes.
My world was torn apart when my wife decided to make her choice: drugs and alcohol.
We had it all-each other, and a beautiful baby boy.
At that time I had been in sobriety for about 4 years.
Now I had to face the facts: no matter what I did, I couldn't live that way any longer. The next few months were hell, but what happened opened my eyes in many ways.
Can you imagine a MAN ALCOHOLIC getting custody of a 15 month old baby? Well it happened to me.

I know, I know, you're thinking what does this have to do with the topic? Bear with me.
I was overwhelmed, to say the least. How do I raise a baby on my own? The years passed, and the lessons were hard.
The weekends I took my son to the park I was looked at as a weekend dad.
I was looked down on by my extended family because I put my son's needs before my careeer.
I didn't have a social life, and realized some time later, I wasn't missing anything!

I went on so many roller coaster rides dating, and boy, there were some mammoth ones! The stories I told my friends made them laugh, and cringe at the same time. Sometimes I got on again. I learned. And then, when my son was 5 1/2, I met a terrific lady.

What's happened is that I've learned about being a person.
Yes, I am a man. That makes me a father, a husband, a brother,
etc. I can't change that. But I do know that I can change my way of thinking. I treat my spouse as I'd want to be treated.
Now I'm not going to toot my horn and say I'm perfect in every way. Far from it. My biggest shortcoming is that I beat myself up way more than I should. I did that and then some the first year I divorced my son's mother.

There are fresh flowers in the house every week. I take my wife to lunch, whenever, where ever. I call her to tell her I love her.
I write her love notes. I buy her small things, big things.
We go places-locally-and far away. We do things together, as a couple, and as a family.
She doesn't expect me to buy her things. I do, but that's not the point.
She went through hell with her ex. I read the posts about ladies buying their own xmas gifts. (that's what she lived with for 15 years, and then she realized there was more to life than living that way-I know-it's a lot more than that, the whole story is another post) What kind of stuff is that? I love the way she expresses herself when she receives something, and opens it, and is so surprised.

The gifts, cards etc., are a way of my outward expression for the way I feel for her. She's just as happy if I can take the afternoon off and take her to the park. Or I cook a nice dinner for her (I cook at least 1/2 the meals) She constantly tells me I'm not like most men. I don't get it. I'm a person, she's my spouse.
I didn't have a choice when it came to being a man. I asked for help, as a parent, when I stood there with a 15 month old baby.

My wife saw the person I was, what I'd been through, and what I wanted to be. There is always going to be room for growth. I have made some really stupid mistakes. But she has forgiven me.
I don't know what it is, but we just can't stay mad at each other. What a gift!

She had a choice-she could settle for less, or she could find the man who made her feel loved-in all ways. She doesn't expect anything for our anniversary, but it happens. We just do it.
My son's birthday was yesterday, I baked him a cake. I always do. I'm a parent. Who gives a darn because I'm a man? People can bake cakes. In every way I have asked for help to be the best parent my son deserves. And now, as a spouse, I continue on that path...through my prayers, my actions, and the guidance of others.

It took me a long time to be the person I am today. I have lived my life selfishly, and thoughtless of others. Now I know I can't change people-and my choice is to accept them as they are, without expectations.

IMJ, you can't change the way your spouse thinks (or the way he acts). But you change the way you think about him. Love him for who he is.
Yes, he won't buy you flowers. But give him a chance to love you the best way he can-on his own terms.

Well, now that you all have been entertained by my post, I will go to lunch.

 

[glo]

Stego what a wonderful post. Something that not everyone learns in their lifetime, and heat warming. I guess men really can care if they want.

I know that it is not the actual gift that you wanted, but the thought that you were important enough for him to have gone out of his way a little for you. Money, and what you spend is not important, what is important is that it comes from the heart. My most treasured gifts, are gifts given from the heart, and in most cases were not items which were given from a store, but of the person themselves.

It is nice to feel special to someone....


I am sorry you are hurt. I wish there was something to make you feel better. I have been there many times....

{{{HUGS}}}

 

[Serena]

stego, would you marry me? j/k




Imj, good luck. I hope he is a great husband otherwise.

 

[December99]

I wouldn't be mad at mine because I don't expect things from him. I am happy to have a roof over my head, help with groceries once in a while and a safe and secure relationship. In my mind, why do I need material things from him?

 

[Teejay32]

I know what you're saying lmj. My DH is the reverse, he's the one saying "I don't want anything. Don't worry about it." Now I suppose some people might take that as "ignore the whole thing, don't even acknowledge the day's event" but I would certainly have to explain myself if I did, and I wouldn't feel very good about it besides. So needless to say it isn't done that way. I'm like this: on every happy occasion because he's a pain about the 'don't get anything' business, but we manage.

If I were you I would take that ring back to the store and get one for myself in exchange, and be done with it. Next occasion, ask him what he wants and abide by that; then ask yourself what you want, and go out and get it.

 

[PRINCESS Ariel34]

I told him I didn't want anything


Happy Aniv and many more

Have you not read the book, MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS



BTW, I told dh the same thing one year.
WE went out to dinner and I just knew I had a gift coming. I gave him his and he blew me a kiss for my gift

I was mad as all hellions which put a damper on the dinner.
He had this smirk on his face the whole time which really added wood to my fire.

He asked me if I really meant what I said about not wanting a gift for our aniv and I said NO!! If I could take it back I would.
He said I knew you didn't mean it, so I had to teach you a lesson. He handed me a black velvet box which held a 2carat diamond anniversary band

It was a lesson learned.

BTWWW, GO ON A NICE ANNIVERSARY SHOPPING EXCURSION YOU DESERVE IT

 

[luv2nascar]

after 8 yrs of marriage my DH knows when I say I don't want anything for a birthday or holiday I'm lying

Personally I think it was incessitive