Pay for kid that doesn't live at home?

[mi*vida*loca]

Paying anything for adult children is very foreign in my family. Once you decide to move out and be a grown up you are a grown up. You need to get your own cell phone bill, own car insurance, own bank account, etc. That's just how my family has always operated.

With that said my son is 19, lives at home and goes to college. We pay for all of his vacations and a souvenir or two. Since he does work part time he does buy any extras he wants and clothes for vacation. If he decided today to move out and was still in college I would still pay for him to come on our vacations. I just don't see him as a full fledged adult yet, he doesn't have the funds to pay for vacation and he's still a college student. And I still want to come with us so if I want him there I have to pay. I'm guessing it'll stop once he graduates and has a full time adult job. I have brought up the idea of one day doing big family trips when my kids have their own families but who knows how that'll work out in the long run. Will I pay, will they pay for their family, will I pay a big portion, etc??

All of my friends stopped or will stop paying for their kids vacations once they graduate college. If it's a trip they really want them to go on they pay or they pay a big portion of the trip. One friend is taking the kids and grandkids to WDW and is paying for everyone. One friend has a DS who is 22, lives at home, not in college, works full time and they give him the option to vacation with them but he has to pay for his own portion. They front the money and then he pays them back. While on vacation they pay for most dinners also but he pays for his flight and hotel.

 

[westie55]

Well, if you want her to go I would be prepared to pay. If you can't afford to pay for her, that is certainly understandable, and you can invite get if she is willing to cover her own expenses but be prepared for her to decline the invitation if she can't afford Disney prices and/or the trip to Disney with you isn't enough of a priority anymore to her to justify the price. There is no right or wrong answer. When I was your daughter's age, my parents still paid for me to vacation with them. It was once I graduated college and had a career of my own that I started footing my own bill. As a college student, even though I did wait tables etc, I would not have had the income to pay my own way. You are obviously not obligated to pay for her, but I'm not sure her living under a different roof changes anything in this scenario since her boyfriend is not coming. If she lived at home, would you pay for her?

 

[Searc]

Assuming your daughter is making responsible decisions I would pay for her trip. Now, if she's calling in sick to work/not working and asks you for car insurance/rent/food/heat money then NOPE. I have an adult daughter falling into the latter category, sons are in the former. Chances are you won't have many more trips with her as she gets older and busier with her job and family.

This is along the same lines of what I was going to say. It depends on attitude. Is she grateful for your help or acting like a snotty brat about everything? I have one that is the former and one the latter ~ I'd pay for one and not the other. If you want to act like a *****, then forget it. It is our money and we'll spend it as we see fit, not how you think we should spend it.

 

[ErinsMommy]

I haven't read the comments so I may be repeating here, but at that age I was lucky to be making ends meet especially paying rent, utilities, and other general "your on your own now kid" expenses. I would foot the bill just to have her there and spend that time together and not put a financial strain on her, or add into the mix an uncomfortable "this is your share of the expense" conversation.

 

[jwright820]

The key to your dilemma is bolded: a trip in March 2010 is going to be very difficult to plan, even for yourself!

But, all kidding aside, either you want to pay for your daughter or you don't. It's completely up to you--your daughter, your finances, your trip. Me? I'd pay. But I'm not you.

OOps fat fingered - 2020

 

[jwright820]

Thanks everyone. I came from a home where I was never taken on vacation with my parents. They went on cruises, WDW all over the country multiple times and I was NEVER included on any of those trips. So at first I was like - well you are living on your own with your BF - if you want to go, pay for it....But I still don't know what to do. I know there is no way she could afford it for just her or her and BF. So it comes down to what everyone says - If I want her to go then I pay for her to go.
At 18 right now - she is a little b***** when she comes home from BF's house, eats all our food and disrupts the entire house for the few days a week she is with us. I love her to death, but sometimes I just want her to leave...Im sure I'm not the only mom that has felt that way (at least I hope I'm not). Kids - can't live with them, can't live without them. Thanks again everyone.

 

[Christine]

At 18 right now - she is a little b***** when she comes home from BF's house, eats all our food and disrupts the entire house for the few days a week she is with us. I love her to death, but sometimes I just want her to leave...Im sure I'm not the only mom that has felt that way (at least I hope I'm not). Kids - can't live with them, can't live without them. Thanks again everyone.

Well, at that age, I would say both my son and daughter could really get on my nerves when they were at the house! They are so much better now that they are in their mid-20s. Even with that, I still wanted them on family trips with me. So it really comes down to if you want her along on the trip.

 

[jwright820]

Do you want her to go, or do you feel like you are obligated to bring her?

Based on the answer to that question I would have 2 different answers.

I feel obligated to bring her and I want her to go - UUGGGGG

 

[QueenIsabella]

You do what's right for you. You certainly don't "owe" her the trip, but it might be a nice way to reconnect. But, you have no obligation--remember that. If you don't want to pay, or can't afford it, whatever, that's perfectly fine.

They say that older teenagers are obnoxious, so it's easier to let them go. There are times my DD16 sits on my last nerve! But, spoiler alert--I'll still be heartbroken when she leaves. I just won't miss her occasional "entitled royalty" act.

 

[Searc]

Thanks everyone. I came from a home where I was never taken on vacation with my parents. They went on cruises, WDW all over the country multiple times and I was NEVER included on any of those trips. So at first I was like - well you are living on your own with your BF - if you want to go, pay for it....But I still don't know what to do. I know there is no way she could afford it for just her or her and BF. So it comes down to what everyone says - If I want her to go then I pay for her to go.
At 18 right now - she is a little b***** when she comes home from BF's house, eats all our food and disrupts the entire house for the few days a week she is with us. I love her to death, but sometimes I just want her to leave...Im sure I'm not the only mom that has felt that way (at least I hope I'm not). Kids - can't live with them, can't live without them. Thanks again everyone.

I feel your pain. One of our children creates constant chaos and is not a nice person to be around right now (at least to me), so yep, this child doesn't get invited on vacations for the time being.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I think most teens are obnoxious. My son doesn't have the entitled spoiled attitude but he does know it all and purposely annoys his 13 year old sister (going in her room unannounced which turns to blood curdling screams from her. And I know he loves to get her riled up). It gets under my skin at times. She annoys him too but he's 19 and I expect him to act 19 and not 13 but that's not happening yet.

If I planned a family trip without my son he would be very hurt. And I know DD wouldn't feel right going without her brother. But I know my kids can get along great when they have activities and they vacation well together.

I have friends who have twins that are also 19. Both kids live on campus within driving distance of their home and my friends are footing the bill for college. They don't take the twins on vacation anymore. The twins aren't good travelers with the parents. They constantly keep their faces in their phone, complain a lot, won't try new foods, want to sleep until very late, won't listen to the plans for the day, etc. They took them on a 16th birthday trip and told them that was it for vacations from them! lol They are doing a big family trip next year with their kids and grandkids so they will pay for the entire trip but that's it.

So if your kid wrecks havoc and makes vacation a crap show I wouldn't take them. Who wants to pay to be tortured with a bratty entitled teenager? There's a difference between being a typical annoying teenager and just ruining vacation all together.

 

[robinb]

Thanks everyone. I came from a home where I was never taken on vacation with my parents. They went on cruises, WDW all over the country multiple times and I was NEVER included on any of those trips. So at first I was like - well you are living on your own with your BF - if you want to go, pay for it....But I still don't know what to do. I know there is no way she could afford it for just her or her and BF. So it comes down to what everyone says - If I want her to go then I pay for her to go.
At 18 right now - she is a little b***** when she comes home from BF's house, eats all our food and disrupts the entire house for the few days a week she is with us. I love her to death, but sometimes I just want her to leave...Im sure I'm not the only mom that has felt that way (at least I hope I'm not). Kids - can't live with them, can't live without them. Thanks again everyone.

Believe me, you are not the only one who feels that way! I feel your pain.

 

[DISNEY1975]

My son, 25, is engaged to a girl he has dated since HS (9 years). He bought a house with a friend 3 years ago and wanted to move to his "maybe forever home" without the roommate, closer to his work, in preparation for his marriage. Closer to work meant more $$. He asked to borrow money to put down a larger down payment so his monthly payment would be lower. I told him I would LOAN him the money, but it made more sense for him to come back home and save more money rather than trying to pay me back and make the new monthly mortgage payment. He agreed, sold his 1/2 of the house to the roommate and moved back home last December. His wedding is 08/2020 and he plans to buy a new house by next June. I LOVE this kid. He is every mothers dream child. But..... he just went on a business trip this past Tuesday and I have to say I do notice the peace and quiet Not that I ever want him to leave, but I have been thinking about next June often during the past couple of days

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

I pay for my adult children (20s) to go.

Why? Because I *want* them on the trip with me. They have limited funds and limited vacation time. They also can't afford the Disney trip prices. So if I want them there with me, I pay. If I didn't care if they went on the trip, maybe I would make them pay. I don't know.

I agree!! And even more so of late because I AM HAVING HARDER time saving for a WDW vacation. My pay increases aren't nearly as high as the Disney Co.'s increases.

 

[disneychrista]

My adult daughters started paying for their food/tickets/etc when they started working FT. They both still live at home.

 

[FreeTime]

My daughters were told that the last trip we
Took this summer would be the last one that would be 100% paid. They are 18 & 19. They both will be in college this year and both are working. When we returned from the trip to oldest invited me to return with her in October and said she would pay for half. I booked a value to save her money but she has already paid her part. People at work have said, “you are going to be a good
mom and pay for the entire thing, right?” No!

We did give each of them 100 vacation club points when they graduated and told them they would have to pay the dues each year that they wished to use them. If they don’t want them one year, I pay and I will use them. One daughter has booked a trip next year already for her and a friend and knows that she has to cover all the expenses.

Do what you want to do!

 

[quandrea]

My parents made us pay for vacations from about sixteen years of age. I don’t advocate that. Now that I’m a parent, my parents’ approach just seems weird.

I’d pay for her. At 19, she has so many other things to save for—a home, a wedding, who knows what else?

If you want her to join you, make it easy. I think the time she’ll want to join you could be fleeting, as she is growing up.

My best friend and her girls are joining us next year. I’m paying for the villa, her daughters’ passes, all meals. I want them with us. My helping out financially makes it possible. Their presence makes my trip that much better. I suspect the same applies with your situation. Have fun!

 

[NOLA_Tink]

For all of my WDW trips during college (ages 18-22), my mom paid for the WDW hotel, meals, and transportation, but I was expected to pay for my park ticket and souvenirs. She felt like it was a fair compromise and I agreed. (I also had 2 jobs while in school, but if I couldn't have afforded it, she probably would have paid for my park ticket as a Christmas or birthday present.) After college, I was expected to pay for everything myself.
Best wishes for a fun trip!

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

I think it's a very personal decision that should factor in first and foremost if you can afford it. I would then look at whether you want to pay for her (is she fun to travel with, will she be appreciative or is she expecting that you will invite her and pay, do you want a kid-free trip, etc). You should not feel guilty should you decide not to pay for her. There should not be an expectation (unless you've told her you'd pay) that you pay for her. Likewise, since she's an adult, regardless of who pays there should not be an expectation that she has to go (though obviously there should be a deadline that she makes a decision by so no one is out any money).

Neither of my parents (divorced) ever took us on big vacations when we were kids. When I was 19, I paid to take my mom and younger brother to Disney for their first time as there's no way my mom could have afforded it. Since then, we've gone back again together and she paid for her and my brother (17 at the time) and DH and I paid for our family along with a few extras for everyone.

My kids are a long way from being adults so I have no idea how we will handle it. Before joining the DIS, I honestly had no idea so many families pay for their adult children to vacation with them. I definitely see the argument that if you can afford it and want them to go, then why not pay for them, but I also don't think there's anything wrong with not paying for them for any reason.

 

[disneychrista]

I'm sure someone else has said this but one very important thing to consider if you choose NOT to pay for her. Will you be dissapointed if she chooses not to go because you aren't paying.